I'm so angry, ALL THE TIME...

[Ldavis24]

I really am. I am angry at everything. My childhood, my life everything that has ever happened to me. I am just angry at everything. It's not at any person in particular although my poor DH is the often the recipient of my misplaced anger and once in a rare while my precious DD gets yelled at when I am having a bad day (yelled at as in "dammit! you threw cat food all over the friggin FLOOR!").

I posted on here about my dad and yup that really makes me really really angry. I am so not a huge fan of therapy but DH begged me last night to make an appointment TODAY with someone, anyone...So I did and I think I am glad because I don't want to spend a whole day and night crying (last night and today) because I feel like I am just a walking open wound. I can't even bring myself to talk to DH about it, although I know he would listen without judgement. 

I have an appointment Monday and I am cautious about the whole thing but apparently it's not normal to envision yourself slitting your wrists in the bathroom (this is NOT a cry for help, this was awhile ago and I am NOT going to be killing myself so please don't freak if you read this). Apparently it is also not normal to be ANGRY all the time. So to therapy I go. I have plenty of fodder from my childhood to talk about but I'm not sure if that is going to help...

Some days I am just so angry I want to scream like a monster or go outside and beat the $^@% out of a tree with a baseball bat. Anything to relieve some of the rage that I internalize on a daily basis...

So yeah this is me growing I guess, because I made an appointment to go to therapy. We'll see

[AttunedMama]

Therapy will help.

I mean, I know there's a chance it won't. But I really think it will. Please hold on for a few days.

I'm with the first therapist I've ever felt really truly excellent about. She seems to recognize that I need to vent a lot, but doesn't leave me alone in all that mess either. She brings me back on track. Mostly we focus on personal power, what *I* can do with my time here on the planet. Because it's through my university, she is specifically geared toward emphasizing my role as a student, which is helpful because I often resent being a student-mama and want to drop out.

I totally, totally know a difference. Sometimes I feel like I "shouldn't need" therapy anymore. Well, what the f___, I shouldn't have been terrorized and left to fend for myself when I was seven, either, YK?

I hope the new therapist is really with it and you all can click right away.

[applecider]

I have lots of anger too! I am really trying to work on it, but it's HARD. I think therapy is a great place to start. I am reading a book called "Feeling good, the new mood therapy" and it's about cognitive therapy. I haven't tried it yet, but I want to because it seems like it gives you things to do when not in therapy that will help you along. So sorry, not much advice, but just to let you know that you're not alone!

[Ldavis24]

Originally Posted by applecider 

I have lots of anger too! I am really trying to work on it, but it's HARD. I think therapy is a great place to start. I am reading a book called "Feeling good, the new mood therapy" and it's about cognitive therapy. I haven't tried it yet, but I want to because it seems like it gives you things to do when not in therapy that will help you along. So sorry, not much advice, but just to let you know that you're not alone!

hehe, thanks mama! My DH is actually just starting CBT today and if it seems to work for his panic attacks maybe I will bring it up with my therapist, assuming we click enough that I go to see her more than once...

Honestly, I feel like one of the easiest things I could do is exercise but being depressed makes it a challenge to get out of bed on a good day...Sigh

[Koalamom]

Hugs mama! I am very bitter at times too. I know that alot of my health issues stem from my emotions. I hope therapy works for you. It has helped a ton with one woman and not with the other as one said "wow you are a mess, your life is messed up too. I think you should see someone else." The next woman I saw was amazing. So don't give up if you don't feel a connection.

[Ldavis24]

thank you bluebird for sharing your thoughts!

I am feeling hopeful about this particular therapist. I have been chatting with her over email (I am shy and honestly I prefer email, how weird is that) and I am getting a general good vibe from her thus far. Monday is the day I will see so fingers crossed.

I just feel like I have a "why me" complex sometimes. Why was my childhood such an F-ing mess. Why didn't anyone recognize I was in 7th grade having full blown breakdowns and the solution was to let me leave school early and visit my grandparents?? Why Why Why is the general question buzzing in my head these days. Why can't I let it go? Why can't I control my temper? Ugh, I could be a one woman soap Opera...

I used to think my family was awesome. Now I look at them all with older wiser eyes and I see so many layers of disfunction starting even with my 83 year-old grandparents. I few months ago I was visiting them (married for over 60 years) and I went to visit my grandfather at his office, I walked in on him fooling around with a woman who appeared half his age...That really killed me. I went back to the house where my grandmother sits all day home waiting for her husband to come back and I just pretended I didn't see a damn thing...That alone is tearing me up inside and yes making me ANGRY...

So yeah I don't know why I have been kidding myself, that even though I don't like therapy I could definitely use it!

I so appreciate hearing other mamas struggling with these similar issues though. Nice to know I'm not alone

[june'smom]

I have a lot of anger too.  I dealt with it kinda ok until stress got the best of me (self-employed, three kids, two dogs, house, etc...)

I haven't started therapy, so I can't comment there, but I have started taking a B complex vitamin, as well as magnesium and fish oil.  It helps my overall mood enough that I can keep a handle on the anger and not lash out at my husband and kids.

Good luck.  I am also really hesitant to get into my childhood issues, so I feel you there.

[Koalamom]

Originally Posted by Ldavis24 

Ugh, I could be a one woman soap Opera...

I would tune in if I had TV. Lol!

[Ldavis24]

Originally Posted by bluebirdmama1 

Originally Posted by Ldavis24 

Ugh, I could be a one woman soap Opera...

I would tune in if I had TV. Lol!

Hehe, actually a more juicy thing would be to write a book about my family...My DH likes to refer to them as the "Kennedy's of Canton"

They are incredibly well established in my hometown. They have been there for generations are related to half the town (literally) and my grandfather is a very prominent, very wealthy, very well respected leader in the community and a good portion of the state...To go with that there is TON of dysfunction. Infidelity all around, drug/alcohol abuse by various members of various ages. Lying, backstabbing certain family members refusing to even be in the same room with others. A ton of moral superiority flying around from everyone (including the adulterers, drug addicts etc.) 

All my Uncle's and their families literally live on the same cul de sac. The same goes for all my second cousins, they all live on their little cul de sac and so on...

I am literally the only one out of all my first cousin's and aunt's uncles etc, to move away (my parent's divorced, the only ones by the way) and stay away.. Black sheep of the family right here! There are reasons I don't visit often, one of them being all the BS that surrounds them and the other the fact that I get anxious just thinking about having to go there!

[CookiePie]

I have written an email to a therapist inquiring about an appointment a dozen times then deleted it & never have gone.  I think it could help me but my fears get the best of me, I kep asking myself if discussing the past help the future, or just dredge up old STUFF?  Good for you for reaching out for help, I know I should too.  I'm also angry, a lot but I don't really know why...

[Ldavis24]

Originally Posted by CookiePie 

I have written an email to a therapist inquiring about an appointment a dozen times then deleted it & never have gone.  I think it could help me but my fears get the best of me, I kep asking myself if discussing the past help the future, or just dredge up old STUFF?  Good for you for reaching out for help, I know I should too.  I'm also angry, a lot but I don't really know why...

It is hard isn't it? Carrying that weight of anger. It's like a lead blanket to me. I am thinking and realizing a bit that I use my anger like a shield because more than anger I am hurt. Hurt over what varies greatly by day but unfortunately a lot of it has to do with how my life was growing up, things that happened to me etc. I'm hurt and I express it as anger..

If you want  cookiepie I am PM you after my first session with the therapist to tell you how it went and maybe give you a nudge to send out that email you have written over and over...Let me know

[CookiePie]

Well I just took a leap & inquired via email to the therapist that I've been interested in.  I just asked about insurance & that was it.  I just feel stuck in my life right now & I don't know how to get un-stuck...

[Ldavis24]

Originally Posted by CookiePie 

Well I just took a leap & inquired via email to the therapist that I've been interested in.  I just asked about insurance & that was it.  I just feel stuck in my life right now & I don't know how to get un-stuck...

I feel that...Hey an inquiry is a start. I would NOT have made this appointment if my DH had not sat down and literally begged me to make one IMMEDIATELY. I love my DH and if he asks something that seriously how could I ignore it..Yeah I don't really want to do it but if I am honest with myself I need it and might as well take it as an opportunity to hash some stuff out.

[mandib50]

how are things going lauren?

[Ldavis24]

hello hello all. Sorry for the lapse in replying. Things have been crazy around here.

We are getting chickens tomorrow and since Friday we have been scrambling like mad to get the coop built.

I am....ok....I wish I could say things have been going well and I have been feeling great...

Friday, I had a panic attack. A full on gasping can't breath freak out...It was totally irrational, some guy came to the house to buy our Wii of CL and DH dealt with him but this guy's voice freaked me out.Then Saturday DH and I got into a totally unnecessary fight. Stupid topic, I don't even really remember what it was but I got very very out of control. I slammed our closet door so hard with my palm that it flew off the hinges and I cut my hand 

 I have never been that physically out of control of myself. I scared DD (which made me cry even harder) and DH ended up taking her outside to play while I tried to calm myself down.

It was not a good experience and only reaffirmed that DH was very right that I need to see a therapist. I am going tomorrow and I have a lot to discuss with her.

At this point I feel like I don't even know myself when I am this angry. Angry or upset...I'm not sure which but they are intertwined I think.

Today we had a great day, got lots done (spent ALL day working on the coop) and we were all just really happy. I wish more days could be like this. Right now DD is watching Monster's Inc. next to me and DH is laying down on the other couch. It's nice to just relax and be happy. 

I told DH I need an outlet. I feel like all the time I am constantly holding back strong emotions because I don't want to scare DD or yell around her. I feel like I never get to be angry and then when I do it all just bursts out in an extreme fashion that is totally counter productive. I hope the therapist can give me some tools to deal with that. I told DH my body get so "jacked up" I can't relax and I feel like I need to go release all the physical tension I have, but I can't. I want to go outside and whack a tree with a baseball bat sometimes...

So anyway that is where I am at. I am looking forward to the therapy appointment tomorrow and we'll see how it goes. I will keep posted because I know there a couple of other mamas who are considering therapy too and might be curious as to how it is going..

Thanks for thinking of me! It makes me smile

[june'smom]

Physical activity is so important to me in keeping my temper in check.  When I am taking good care of myself, I run.  I don't run very fast or very far, but that sweating, mindless activity helps me clear my mind. 

Good luck on your journey. 

[philomom]

Originally Posted by june'smom 

Physical activity is so important to me in keeping my temper in check.  When I am taking good care of myself, I run.  I don't run very fast or very far, but that sweating, mindless activity helps me clear my mind. 

We hike hard twice week. This helps us to be calmer with our teenagers and gives us a sharing/bonding time together.

Are you really on Cape Cod? If so, here's a link to hikes in your area.

http://hikingcapecod.com/

[june'smom]

I think part of the reason that exercise makes me feel better is that I am actively taking care of ME.  It is one of the only times that I am doing something for myself that does not include the rest of my family.  Not that therapy isn't important, because it does help so many people.  But I think it works best in conjunction with other acts of self-care. 

[Linda on the move]

sending hugs and positive vibes your way.

exercise and therapy are a good combination. I love yoga and it's really helped me deal with my past, and I'm not so angry and freaking out as I used to be. And I hardly ever think about killing myself anymore. I think we store emotions in our bodies -- in our very cells and muscles, and that we can release the emotions through movement.

I've seen a book called Trauma Releasing Exercise but I haven't tried it yet.

And I don't know "why you."  Some people seem to skate through life quite easily, and some people have so many different things to deal with and overcome, and it's not fair and it does suck. I feel the same way sometimes. I try to just connect with the moment -- just to breath and look around and see exactly where I am. The whole big picture of my life story is overwhelming and somewhat horrific, but this moment is usually OK. Ironically, connecting 100% percent to the moment I am in is a path out of staying stuck in the past.