Become a SAHM? Stay a WOHM? Help me get some clarity, please!

[Laurski]

Hi Mamas,

I'm having a hard time starting this post because every time I start it it sounds stupid, so I'm just going to stumble onward and hope it makes sense...

I'm really conflicted right now about my job situation and am trying to figure out if I want to continue working or transition to being a SAHM for a while.  I never, ever thought I'd want to SAH, but ever since the birth of DD I have been conflicted about whether or not to continue working.  I've been back at work now since January, and while I used to love my job (or at least many aspects of it), the magic is gone.  I still like it, but at the same time I feel like I'm constantly being pulled in a million directions and am doing everything really poorly.

I'm posting here since I'm hoping to get some perspectives from new mamas, whether they be SAHMs or WAHM/WOHMs.  Did you have a plan to be one or the other before your LO arrived?  Did your plan change after?  What are the challenges and rewards of your current parenting situation?

I hope this all makes sense.  I'm open to hearing about everything--the good, the bad, the ugly.  I'm just feeling really lost right now, and am hoping that the perspectives of other mamas with babes can help me clarify my own feelings.

Thanks!

[mra]

I planned on being a SAHM once our LO arrived. I'm a teacher, so I was able to request a 1.5 year leave. I'll reevaluate our situation once my leave is up. I'm hoping that our finances will still be fine so that I can SAH even longer than that.

I loved my job as a teacher, but obviously my LO is much more important to me. I would never be able to drop her off at a sitter or daycare at such a young age. No way. I won't even kennel my dogs and I only let trusted friends watch them! I would not be able to function at work worrying about how my LO is being taken care of with someone else. Also, I don't want to miss out on all her smiles and milestones! She will only be young once and I know I'll look back and always cherish this time that I can be home with her.

As a teacher, I can't imagine functioning at work with little sleep. I'd be a tired mess and that's never good when you work with children. Not to mention it can be such a draining job that I would probably have no energy once I got home. I would also work a lot in the evening and on weekends, which would leave less time for my LO or my students would suffer. Either way, I wouldn't be happy because I'd be stretched too thin.

The challenges of being a SAHM for me are:

Spending so much time without much adult contact - I miss having adult conversations and such.

Getting bored with pretty much the same daily routine.

We have to budget more, so I don't get to spend as much money as I did while I was receiving a paycheck (although childcare would take a huge chunk of my less than fabulous teacher salary so I'd be in the same boat if I was working).

Sometimes my husband annoys me because he doesn't realize how much work it is to be a SAHM while still taking care of the majority of the housework and finances.

The rewards are:

Getting to watch my LO make all kinds of advances on a daily basis.

Knowing that she is safe and all her needs are being met.

Knowing that she is being raised by my standards and not by someone else's.

Having all those unforgettable moments throughout the day when we cuddle and smile at each other.

Not having to divide my energy between her and work.

Being able to have days where I just let everything go because perhaps she is having a fussy day and the best thing to do is curl up in bed, nurse her and nap with her.

I can also get some things done around the house that daddy usually does so he can spend that time with her.

[tzs]

i was SAH after dd and was planning on staying that way just because it didn't make any financial sense to make the pennies that i make as a preschool teacher and then pay for daycare. 

that said, after awhile i started getting way lazy at home and stir crazy at the same time. it seemed like we were sitting around all day being super unproductive and it just seemed like it was getting so bad for me AND her (we're talking alot of daytime tv being on, pajamas until noon.) so i thought a good compromise would be to go back teaching half-days which would get me out of the house and dressed, get dd some fun outside time at the same center i worked at, and then we'd have a great afternoon.

in reality it was more like working half-days and then being so exhausted that i felt physically incapable of doing anything fun with her after nap (i also wasn;t counting on getting pregnant again and that was a big player in that.) it was also very different from what it had been before at work. unlike the years before i had been a mother, i didn;t feel any real connection to the kids in my class. i also felt like i was coming home and being way more critical of dd's normal age-appropriate behavior, just from being around other toddlers all day. i noticed a big difference in the way we interacted at home over winter break and that's when i decided it wasn't working out.

anyway, only you can know if it's going to work for you (or maybe you won't right away...i know i was wrong in my case) but you can always go back on whatever decision you make. i think the big lesson i learned is that there's alot of "grass is always greaner" whatever you choose so it just takes learning which one has the fewest drawbacks for you. good luck.

[Peony]

I was supposed to go back part time after DD1 was born, about one shift a week. 12 hour shift, really more like 13+ and then a 45 minute commute on either side. After 6 weeks or so work started pestering me about when I was returning, I said I would when she 2.5 months, but then I just couldn't. It was just too long to be away for me. I quit and happily just stayed at home for over a year, just being a mom. I then started volunteering heavily in my specialty which I did for the next 5 years while having 2 more babies. I accepted a part time job right when my oldest turned 7, my youngest wasn't 1. I've been doing that for over a year now and really enjoy it but it is very flexible, and quite part time. I work partly from home with half a day of working in the clinic thrown in here and there, some home visits. All arranged when I want to do them. Sometimes I work more, like right when when I am hiring and training counselors, but it is still doable with my 3 soon to be 4 children. Life was easier when I *just* a SAHM, I say just because my hours are minimal so I rarely miss much, but is difficult trying to schedule everything. No matter how mundane the daily school pick up or gymnastics run is, I do really enjoy spending the time with my children and I want to be the one doing  those daily tasks the vast majority of the time.

[Knitting Mama]

I was going to take 12 weeks of maternity leave and then go back to work. By the time Cecilia was born, I knew I didn't want to at all. But we still went back and forth on it, because me leaving work would mean a big lifestyle change-- I made as much as my husband did, so me quitting meant half the income we used to have. By 6 weeks I knew we were going to do it, and I informed my job that I was not going to be coming back. It was hard and scary but also exhilerating, and it meant a huge weight off of my shoulders. The honest truth is that I didn't like my job at all, it was just a means of money, and going back to something I felt so ambivalent about and leaving my girl, who had quickly become the center of my world, was completely unfathomable.

Now, the plan is for me to continue to be a SAHM, and then I believe I will be homeschooling our children. I have a degree in elementary ed and early childhood development, but I don't want to teach in regular schools anymore. However, I do want to use my knowledge and expertise. A homeschool co-op with other like minded friends is really exciting to me! To be honest, I don't even want to think about working for income again until my kids are way older.

[Disco Infiltrator]

I'm a WOHM and I love it. The catch is that I'm an RN and I work 12 hour shifts, so I end up being able to work and be an active and engaged parent. I love my job and I'm proud to model a working parent/woman for my kids. I also like being able to get away because parenting is hard work and sometimes work is at least simpler, and if someone is bugging me I can walk away. It's hard being away from my kids a couple days at a time and only being able to snuggle them overnight, but I get to support my little family financially. My wife does stay home/work part time but she actually really misses work these days. DD is still pretty dependent on the boob, but that's changing and being able to take on clients is probably in her future. Our kids have never been in daycare and that's really really important to both of us- when DW is working we schedule swap. If they weren't happily at home in mama's care I might feel very differently about working. I'm so grateful to be able to have a career and parent at the same time.

[Laurski]

Thanks for all your replies so far mamas...I'm actually off to work right now, but will read them all more closely when I get home!

[slgt]

I'm in sort of a unique situation. I have a WOH job, but I can actually work at home 4-5 days out of the week! My schedule is somewhat flexible. And, DH is a SAHD. It's kind of the best of all worlds in some ways.

I get to see my girls throughout the day, and listen to their play. I don't have to waste 1.5 hours a day in the car.

On the down-side, yes, I feel like i am pulled in a million directions. I am very sensitive to DH's time with the girls and making sure I don't take our situation for granted. He would rather be working, but we both know this is what's best for our family (I have the more stable income and great benefits). I think that being pulled in all directions is just a fact of life for all parents, and is exacerbated for working parents who are also committed to spending quality family time. I'm learning to let some things go, but sometimes I get really down, feeling like I'm inadequate in one more more arenas of my life. Honestly, couple-time ends up getting pushed to the bottom of the list. DH and I are both aware of this, and have talked about how right now, our energy is mostly going into the family and making it through these early months (DD#1 is 3, DD#2 is 8.5 months).

I can't recommend what's right for you and your family, but just know that you are not alone. It's exhausting, but the joys of parenthood are countless. Lots of luck to you, mama!

[Twinklefae]

I'm a WAHM, and have noticed a trend - the first year or so of your baby's life, you are more interested in them, and the 'magic' as you say is gone from everything else.  However, after 2, the magic starts to come back as your child grows and matures.

If you used to really really love your job, I wouldn't quit it, because chances are that in a couple of years you will really want it back, and I would hate to see you regret that decision.

OTOH, if it's possible to drop to part time or something while you are in the 'baby phase' that could be a good compromise.

[Mosaic]

Originally Posted by Twinklefae 

I'm a WAHM, and have noticed a trend - the first year or so of your baby's life, you are more interested in them, and the 'magic' as you say is gone from everything else.  However, after 2, the magic starts to come back as your child grows and matures.

I think this is spot on. The first year is rough: you're not sleeping through the night, you're tied to a pump, your baby comes home with every germ known to man from daycare and then shares it with the rest of the family, so you're stuck trying to concentrate on work when you have a million and one other things you want to think about, not least of which is the adorable snugglebug who thinks you're the bees knees. So yeah, you have that "nothing is getting done well" feeling.

'Round about 2.5yo, I couldn't get to work fast enough. DD was busy running around and didn't want to have anything to do with me. The tantrums, the potty training, the NEEDNEEDNEEDWHINEWHINEWHINE drove me nuts, and she behaved SO much better at daycare with other kids and more activities than I could provide at home. At work I could get something DONE, whereas at home I felt like I never finished anything. Plus, in spite of feeling like I'm messing everything up, I got promoted; so clearly I'm not doing SO badly!

It's not all sunshine and roses, but I'm level-headed enough to know that staying home isn't, either. Both have challenges, so I just try to focus on what's best for us all long-term and go from there.

[1stTimeMama4-4-10]

My salary is around 3x what DH makes, so we agreed before I was pregnant that when we had a child he would be a SAHD and work occasional evenings and weekends to supplement. That's exactly how we are doing it.  I went back to work at 3m PP. I was not expecting to want to stay at home, but man it was HARD to leave. I had a lot of difficulty knowing that it was DH and not me with DD - still she sometimes wakes when I leave and cries because I am not next to her in bed. It breaks my heart.  But then, we really have no other options. We have a beautiful home and a comfortable lifestyle. If I stayed home, we would lose our home. It's not an option, so I just suck it up.  It's still hard sometimes, but I am SO thankful that DH is with her because it is AWESOME to watch their beautiful relationship.  If I could swing it financially, I would stay home in a heartbeat, but I can't, so we just make the best of it. If DD was in daycare though, we may well have made a different choice though. 

[poorlittlefish]

I am going through this right now as well.  I have a 3 year old and a 9 month old.  Right now I work full time and have an hour commute each way.  The stress was getting to me and all areas of my life are suffering.  My DH just got a new job and I am planning to quit my job to stay home starting next spring.  However, out of the blue I just got a call about a potential opportunity to work from home.  I would still have to send my DD's to daycare but I would be with them more, and be able to work on housekeeping things during the day over my lunch break and that might be enough for me.  It is a hard decision and I am stil struggling so I wish you luck and peace with whatever you decide.

[Laurski]

Thank you all so much for your thoughtful and honest replies!  You've all given me some very compelling points to think over...

Twinklefae and Mosaic: your points about the baby stage are interesting ones...although to be totally honest, DD was/is a HN baby, (although things seem to be slowly improving as she becomes more independent) so there were some days during my maternity leave when I couldn't wait to go back to work! 

On the surface, my work situation does look ideal--I'm a high school teacher and my school has let me work part-time this year.   However, part-time isn't really part-time when you teach; as mra pointed out, there's all that evening and weekend work.  Plus all sorts of administrative nonsense that keeps me at school for many more hours than my teaching hours.  On top of all that, my schedule's all over the place, so poor DD doesn't have much consistency in her routine.

Complicating things is the fact my DH works long, long hours during the week (12 hour days at work, plus usually 1-3 hours of work at home at night) and usually has lots of work to do at home over the weekend, so the little time we all have together feels like a rush-rush ball of stress.  It's been incredibly stressful coordinating things the few times I've had to stay at school past 6 for meetings, as DD's daycare closes then, DH usually isn't able to get home by then, and when he does leave early to get her, we only have one car, which leaves me begging for rides.

On the other hand, I really enjoy my time *in* the classroom.  My students are funny, smart, and (usually) hardworking.  I get paid to read and teach great literature.  I get to feel like I'm making a difference in my students' lives, as corny as that may sound.

I also think DD really likes daycare.  She loves being around other people and seems to enjoy the activities they do there.  The caregivers there love her, although there are certain things I don't love about the daycare, so if I continue working I'll have to add finding a new daycare to my to-do list.

Hmmm....I just don't know.  My school wants me to teach more hours next year, and it's not really something I can negotiate downward;  it's more that I either take on the additional hours or wave goodbye. 

*Sigh*  This is really one of those times when I wish *I* were a kid again and someone would just sit me down and tell me what to do!

[vegrunr]

I went back to work as a teacher when my son was 10 weeks old, as I had been planning to do.  It was soooo tough, I cried every morning before I left and in the evening once I got home.  I knew that I couldn't do it.  After two months I quit and now I am so grateful to have found something very part-time that I can do from home.  I did love my job, it was in a very special school with very special students, but I just wasn't myself anymore.  I had a 10-10.5hr day with my commute and my husband works until 8:30 three nights a week so I was very stressed to say the least.  I knew that continuing to teach in that state wasn't best for the students and also my emotional state wasn't good for my baby or my husband.  My salary was more than my husband's so we are stretched financially but it's worth it to me. On the other hand, now that my son is almost 7 mos.  I do get stir crazy during the day (esp. during the winter) and have even been considering finding a part-time job one day/night a week to get out of the house. I do miss adult interactions and just getting dressed and using my brain in the academic sense.  I don't plan to go back to working full-time anytime soon and hope I won't have to but I would be up for a part-time teaching position next year when he's almost a year old. 

[happyhippie]

HI, 

I am new to this site, but I guess you can answer to anyone right? 

Well, I just want to say that if you are feeling called to stay at home with your little one then I think you should follow that instinct. 

It is so worth it. Worth every bad day too. Since the job is never ending there is definitely bad days. That was really hard for me to grasp in the beginning. I am a daughter of a very hardworking business mama. I always had it in my mind that when I had a child, I wouldn't be gone a lot, or have a lot on my plate like my mom did. 

Guess what though? While I am with my daughter all the time, I still have a LOT on my plate.

Life is all about balance. All of us have to find what works best for the life we want to live. Do you want to be home for this fleeting and delicate time in your child's life?

Good luck with your decision. You might not regret work, as you will probably get used to it, but I would bet money that you will not regret being able to stay with your baby. Just my opinion though. :-)

[Laurski]

Originally Posted by vegrunr 

I went back to work as a teacher when my son was 10 weeks old, as I had been planning to do.  It was soooo tough, I cried every morning before I left and in the evening once I got home.  I knew that I couldn't do it.  After two months I quit and now I am so grateful to have found something very part-time that I can do from home.  I did love my job, it was in a very special school with very special students, but I just wasn't myself anymore.  I had a 10-10.5hr day with my commute and my husband works until 8:30 three nights a week so I was very stressed to say the least.  I knew that continuing to teach in that state wasn't best for the students and also my emotional state wasn't good for my baby or my husband.  My salary was more than my husband's so we are stretched financially but it's worth it to me. On the other hand, now that my son is almost 7 mos.  I do get stir crazy during the day (esp. during the winter) and have even been considering finding a part-time job one day/night a week to get out of the house. I do miss adult interactions and just getting dressed and using my brain in the academic sense.  I don't plan to go back to working full-time anytime soon and hope I won't have to but I would be up for a part-time teaching position next year when he's almost a year old. 

Wow...I can't imagine how tough things were for you when you first went back!  I'm glad you were able to find a solution that made things a little easier for you and your family.

I know that I have it pretty good in that I'm working part-time...but it's still tough, you know?  I think maybe if I found an adjunct position or something with more consolidated and finite hours I'd be happier...although I'd miss my students and the collegiality of my current school.

As a pp said, I guess the grass is always greener...I definitely have some serious thinking to do in the next few months...