terrified to have children with in-laws

[awefree]

I have such anger towards my in-laws that thinking about having children who would be related to them makes me sick. It's repulsive to think about them considering my children "theirs" or that they have any "right" to them.

I've read other posts and I can't say that they have done anything worse then anyone else's, but after living with them for the first 2 yrs of my marriage (due to school and deployments- great financially, disastrous otherwise) I realized how detrimental they were to my marriage and what kind of people they are. It also became very evident how neglectful their parenting was to my husband- which has been the root of so much that he's struggling with now- and they are oblivious to all of this even after multiple people have tried to address it with them.

I know it's horrible of me to feel this way and wrong for so many reasons... but I can't imagine ever letting them touch my children or hold them when they're little- I want to protect them and keep them from people who I don't trust or feel safe with or comfortable around. Is it ever right to betray a mother's nurturing and protecting spirit simply to appease someone else?

It's breaking my husband's heart as well as mine.

[Adaline'sMama]

Im sorry if this comes off as harsh, but I think that if you have this type of hatred for your inlaws, I suggest you seek counseling to deal with it. I dont think its healthy to harbor that kind of anger towards people who arent abusive. These people sound like unattentive parents, and not someone that you are going to agree with about a lot of stuff on. However, they dont seem like they have done anything to warrant you not allowing them to hold or touch your baby. If they were child abusers, or sexual offenders, I could understand you being "sick" at the thought of it, but it seems to me that they are just crappy inlaws that lots of us have to deal with. The fact that they are detrimental to your marriage is a problem that you and your husband need to deal with, preferably BEFORE having children. If you view them as having so much sway over your marriage, that makes me think that you and your DH need to build a more solid marriage. In the long run, that will probably make you happier.

Also, sometimes seeing someone that we view as very negative or someone that we "hate" hold a little baby can be a good experience. You are seeing the joy and love of someone that you didnt know could be capable of such qualities, because they seldomly show it. My MIL is such a better grandmother than mom, and it is nice to see her show such positive emotion with my DD.

[crunchy_mommy]

Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama 

Im sorry if this comes off as harsh, but I think that if you have this type of hatred for your inlaws, I suggest you seek counseling to deal with it. I dont think its healthy to harbor that kind of anger towards people who arent abusive. These people sound like unattentive parents, and not someone that you are going to agree with about a lot of stuff on. However, they dont seem like they have done anything to warrant you not allowing them to hold or touch your baby. If they were child abusers, or sexual offenders, I could understand you being "sick" at the thought of it, but it seems to me that they are just crappy inlaws that lots of us have to deal with. The fact that they are detrimental to your marriage is a problem that you and your husband need to deal with, preferably BEFORE having children. If you view them as having so much sway over your marriage, that makes me think that you and your DH need to build a more solid marriage. In the long run, that will probably make you happier.

I have to agree with this. Unless they were abusive, this amount of hate is just not healthy or good for your family. You don't have to like or love his family but this seems a bit extreme, although maybe there are other factors that didn't come across in your post.

I don't think grandparents have "rights" to your kids but most grandparents do want a relationship with their children's kids. You don't have to leave them alone with them or anything, but I don't think you can realistically expect them not to even HOLD your child (again, unless they are abusive). It's hard when the inlaws are vastly different from how you picture your children's grandparents being, but they are family and they likely will love your child and want to be a part of their lives (and vice versa).

But on the other hand, instincts are sooo important and that's something I'm dealing with now -- honoring my instincts vs. spending time with DS's grandparents (my parents) -- and it's incredibly tough to deal with. I wish I had those instincts before DS was born so I could have dealt with this then... so I would strongly advise you to work through this now, while you have the chance to take advantage of therapy, mediation, etc. (much harder once the baby is here!) On another note, I appreciate my inlaws so much more now that I'm having this issue with my own family. It made me realize I was being kind of petty before in my annoyance with the inlaws.

[Linda on the move]

I think that if you want to be away from them, then you should be. I don't understand an adult living with people they hate. You have a lot of control over your own life that you refuse to take.

I think that you and your DH could opt to grow up and be independent. Move to a whole new city if you want to. Get into counseling together and figure out how to make a grown up relationship work between the two of you. Take responsibility for your lives.

BTW, I was neglected and abused as a child. My father is a sociopath.  It would make me very sad if my DH held it against me that my childhood was a nightmare. But we life far away from both my parents and haven't seen my dad in years. I take full responsibility for my mental health, and even though I graduated from therapy, I go see a therapist once a month just to check in.   

[Ldavis24]

as always Linda, I love your advice

[syn_ack89]

Linda's advice is good...

[Lisa1970]

You should not have children until you have been able to resolve this. Plus, people often turn out like their parents when it comes to parenting, even if it seems like they will not before then. My inlaws are nasty. But my dh is adopted so I at least never had to see my MIL's eyes in one child or FILs hair in another. I know this may go contrary to what everyone else says, but, I regret having children with my dh with his inlaws being who they are. They have really ruined a lot of motherhood through the years. They are not as much of an effect anymore. But, I cannot even stand the thought of my children having their last name (which my children do not). I love my husband so back then, the thought of leaving him because I could not stand them seemed impossible and something I would never do. But in hindsight, I wish I had. My DH and I have been married 17 years.

[Adaline'sMama]

Originally Posted by Lisa1970 

You should not have children until you have been able to resolve this. Plus, people often turn out like their parents when it comes to parenting, even if it seems like they will not before then. My inlaws are nasty. But my dh is adopted so I at least never had to see my MIL's eyes in one child or FILs hair in another. I know this may go contrary to what everyone else says, but, I regret having children with my dh with his inlaws being who they are. They have really ruined a lot of motherhood through the years. They are not as much of an effect anymore. But, I cannot even stand the thought of my children having their last name (which my children do not). I love my husband so back then, the thought of leaving him because I could not stand them seemed impossible and something I would never do. But in hindsight, I wish I had. My DH and I have been married 17 years.

I have to say, I am really sad for your situation. The OP seems to love her husband, and wants to make this relationship work. I think unless her DH is willing to either do as Linda says, and grow up and be independent with her, or put his foot down about how his parents effect their relationship, she should either leave or resign herself to having no children. However, your assertion that people often turn out like their parents is pretty offensive to me. Personally, Id like to think that most people are on this board because they have made a desicion to think hard about the way that they are choosing to parent, and hopefully their partners are of the same mindset. I hate the idea that anyone would think that because my mother is a nasty, awful mom, I am going to be ANYTHING like her. Ive dedicated hours and hours and a huge part of my life to NOT being like my mother.

Again, Im sorry you regret having your children because of your inlaws, but I urge the OP to seek help and not just choose to not have children.
 

[Ldavis24]

Ok I am not one to really judge because I currently live with my MIL and there have been times when I have hated her...We are doing well now. I finally figured out the nicer I am to her the nicer she is in general and we can all get along if we just TRY to be nice...Not always easy..

Anyway, of course your marraige is going to be negatively impacted by living with your In-laws...You got married and immediately were living with them? That is hard all around. However....IF it was so horrible you would have done something about it... It wasn't so horrible that you moved out. You stayed because it was tolerable I am assuming. I've been there I get that. 

The whole, never let them hold my baby thing...You'll get over that. I promise. It may annoy you but I guarantee you that once the baby is there you won't rock the boat to the point of freaking out if one of them asks to hold the baby, which WILL happen because gee, they are the grandparents. They may not have legal rights but they have the right to WANT to hold their grandkid...

As much as I dislike my MIL at varying times she is a very good grandma in her own way. Yes she buys DD Disney princess crap constantly and reprimands her and thinks time outs are good but guess what I control how much MIL interacts with DD and I do just that I CONTROL it. If I am not feeling so good about MIL and DD I keep them separated, keep in mind we all live together so this takes finesse sometimes.

I think you need to reread your post. It was very vague (which is fine) but it leaves the impression that you hate these people so much but not enough to not live with them for 2 years for whatever reason (finances etc). My MIL did a major number on DH but she is still in our lives. Feelings change with time, you'll see.

[Lisa1970]

I want to add, you should spend some time on an inlaw forum and see what some of those people have been through at the hands of their inlaws. It becomes 100 times worse when your inlaws are trying to destroy your relationship with your children. If your inlaws were purposefully trying to cause trouble between you and your husband, they are not going to suddenly become sweet and kind because there is a baby involved. They will most likely just get worse. Also, the fact that your dh was even willing to have the 2 of you live with them says a lot about where he is emotionally when it comes to dealing with them. I am doubting he will be able to handle it when his mother starts attacking you as a parent. When you have children and your marriage is ending and you are in a nasty custody battle, complete with the inlaws making up lies about you to try to get your children from you, you may seriously wish you had listened to your instincts. There is a lot more to creating a family than just you and your dh. It is the big picture. 

[Ldavis24]

Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama 

I have to say, I am really sad for your situation. The OP seems to love her husband, and wants to make this relationship work. I think unless her DH is willing to either do as Linda says, and grow up and be independent with her, or put his foot down about how his parents effect their relationship, she should either leave or resign herself to having no children. However, your assertion that people often turn out like their parents is pretty offensive to me. Personally, Id like to think that most people are on this board because they have made a desicion to think hard about the way that they are choosing to parent, and hopefully their partners are of the same mindset. I hate the idea that anyone would think that because my mother is a nasty, awful mom, I am going to be ANYTHING like her. Ive dedicated hours and hours and a huge part of my life to NOT being like my mother.

Again, Im sorry you regret having your children because of your inlaws, but I urge the OP to seek help and not just choose to not have children.
 

I have to completely agree with this. I would be really REALLY upset if someone told me I turned out like my dad, and slightly less upset if someone said I was just like my mom. 

[limabean]

Originally Posted by Ldavis24 

I think you need to reread your post. It was very vague (which is fine) but it leaves the impression that you hate these people so much but not enough to not live with them for 2 years for whatever reason (finances etc). 

I agree. OP, you don't need to spill all the details to us, but the vague wording of your post makes it sound like their behavior was tolerable while you were getting something from them, but not that you don't need them anymore you suddenly find them repugnant. Are they truly evil people unworthy of having a relationship with their grandkids, or do they just annoy you and disagree with you about stuff? 

[Lisa1970]

I want to add that how your dh deals with things is a big factor. You said they were detrimental to your marriage. I take that to mean that your dh was unable to disconnect from things they have done. I have abusive parents. But I never ever would have let them do the things toward my dh that dh allowed his parents to do toward me. If my parents told me I had to do something or make my dh do something, which they really did not do, but if they did, I would laugh it off. I supposed there were a few times. Like we went on vacation for Christmas and my parents got upset and said we had to stay back and I ignored it. But for my dh, if his parents told him we could not take a vacation, he would have come home looking sad and just inform me we cannot go. My parents did not like what I named my children and it was too bad for them. But when my inlaws disagreed with what we named our children, my dh just picked a fight with me suddenly, while I was in labor, informing me we were naming the baby that name. It took him a year to admit the it was MILs idea and he never liked that name. These are some of the more minor examples, but you get the idea. One time, MIL demanded dh spank our daughter at 4 yrs old for something our dd did not do. I told my dh no. He spanked her anyway!

So the point is, it all comes down to how your dh has handled things. If your dh has handled things like he thinks his parents are in control or lets them affect him, then it is a bad situation. Watch his actions and take those seriously. Not just empty promises that he will change or things will be different.

[CatsCradle]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 

I think that if you want to be away from them, then you should be. I don't understand an adult living with people they hate. You have a lot of control over your own life that you refuse to take.

I think that you and your DH could opt to grow up and be independent. Move to a whole new city if you want to. Get into counseling together and figure out how to make a grown up relationship work between the two of you. Take responsibility for your lives.

BTW, I was neglected and abused as a child. My father is a sociopath.  It would make me very sad if my DH held it against me that my childhood was a nightmare. But we life far away from both my parents and haven't seen my dad in years. I take full responsibility for my mental health, and even though I graduated from therapy, I go see a therapist once a month just to check in.   

This is a great post. 

OP, I'm having a hard time understanding your situation, as your post about neglect is sort of vague.  I think that hatred for being around certain people can arise from various things.  Take my own parents, for instance.  I truly love them, they are my parents, but there are times when I absolutely despise being around them, so I chose to live far, far away and limit DD's involvement with them.  They are not abusive in the classic sense, but I vehemently disagree with them on a wide variety of issues and they are super intolerant of anything that doesn't fit in their world view.  I don't want my child around that.  I don't hate them, but it is healthier and happier for all of us if we remain distant.  My own DH tolerates them but I can see that being around them for any extended time makes him uncomfortable.  The most I can say is don't let their negativity and your feelings of them dictate what you do in your life.  If you do, then they have exerted control over you, even if not on purpose.  I agree with others that you should find a place far from them with your DH first and move on with your life.  It may be a difficult transition for your DH, but if he is committed to you and your life together, he will be able to do it, albeit, probably with a lot of guilt, etc. at first. 
 

[labdogs42]

Well, I can kind of understand where you are coming from.  I had a similar terror around bringing a child into my own family.  It was more because of my crazy family dynamics (my parents are divorced and I was raised by my grandparents), than about my DH's.  I was rather terrified about bringing a child into my crazy family, but my DH and I discussed it and realized that we wouldn't let anything bad happen to our child.  If family couldn't act appropriately, then they wouldn't be seeing us much.  It was good to have that discussion before we had our son.  It had worked out well so far and my DS is 6 now.  We never let my grandmother babysit, despite how much she protested (she has dementia and was not capable of watching him), and we do what we feel is right for our child.  Luckily, My MIL lives 3 hours away, so she isn't a big deal.  But in your case, if you have to move to get some distance from the IL's, maybe that's the way to go.  If having a child is something you really want from life, then find a way to do it.   Or some people decide not to have children for any number of reasons.  That's an OK choice, too, but you can't blame it on your in laws.  You have to make the choice for yourself.  Good luck.  It sounds like a tough decision. 

[Pavlovs]

All I can provide is some personal reflection about my in-laws, who I can't say I feel any hatred toward but who I don't particularly like.  It's taken my quite awhile to come to the place I am at, but it is a good place for me and my family.

For our young, pre-verbal children, they don't get to spend time alone with the in-laws unless absolutely necessary.  They just don't have common sense a lot of the time when it comes to little kids.  They adore my kids and want to do what's best for them andrthey try hard to honor the wishes of my husband and me, but they just have no "baby sense."  I don't think I've ever met a woman with no maternal instincts before - it's really crazy.  (To be fair, my "MIL" is childless, she is the step mother of my husband).  When my oldest son was an infant, we tried very hard to include them and not offend them, but by about age one it became apparent that they just should not be left alone with babies.  OS is now 6, and we are very happy to let him play at their house for several hours at a time without our having to be there.  We pretty much get a play-by-play from him when he gets home, so we know all that happened during their time together.  They still make mistakes, but overall minor ones that aren't putting him in any danger.  They are very good about calling when there is something they need help with (he has Type 1 diabetes and need hand-holding when it comes to feeding him and such, which is fine).

Our younger son who is 20 months is still not sent over there without us staying.  It will be several years before that happens.

Now, again, I don't like them much and have a hard time spending time with them.  But boy oh boy does my OS love them, and I had to get it through my head that he deserves to be around people that love him so much.  He deserves to have loving and caring grandparents that want to dote on him for hours on end (what a nice break for me!).  He comes home happy and full of wonderful stories about digging for dinosaurs and cooking meals.  I had to learn that it's not about me, it's about my son and his right to have people love him.

So I still roll my eyes a lot, bitch to my husband when my kids are asleep about stupid stuff his folks say and do, and generally get annoyed by them.  But that's no reason for my children to be deprived of a warm a loving relationship with family.

I hope that helps you, OP.