Depressed, stressed, anxious MIL blames me... - Page 2

[HonkyTonka]

So I learned on the drive home that FIL decided to vent to DH about what a bad person I was and how FIL didn't respect me. The conversation caught DH by surprise and he didn't respond (even with his first convo including DH saying "I will not tolerate you speaking badly about my wife"). Instead of calling his dad out on being disrespectful, DH clammed-up and just wanted to get out of there (I picked him up the following day).

Now, DH has just had a conversation with his mom about her progress and afterwards DH spoke to FIL. The chit chatted about work and other stuff. DH was laughing and being 'normal' which just made me totally furious. 

Am I crazy to be so pissed and hurt at DH for ignoring the conversation where FIL said he didn't respect me at all? I think DH should be polite to his Father for his Mom's sake, but to pretend like everything is normal - fun family happytime (without me), drives me to distraction. DH doesn't want to cause any waves with his parents since they are going through such a rough time, but I feel like he didn't stand up for me when he should have, and as a result, chose to make me unhappy instead of them. Is this selfish?

[heathergirl67]

Wow, I can really see where you both are coming from. On the one hand, I feel strongly that when you're married you're supposed to have each others' backs always. On the other hand, it sounds like there's a good possibility that your FIL will die soon thanks to his health issues. I can really understand just wanting to ignore any areas of contention so that your DH can enjoy the last few months his father has left.

The impression that I've gotten from what you've posted is that your ILs are panicking in their own ways. I can't imagine how I would behave if I found out that I or my husband were likely to die in the next year or so. On the other hand, it sounds like your FIL has always been... difficult... so this may not be new behavior from him. Exacerbated, sure. Whereas it sounds like (Obviously I'm basing this all on just what you've posted, so take it for what it's worth) your MIL is usually more stable and reasonable, but has just been spinning out. Also, and this may be harsh, she's the one who will be around longer. She'll need your support and strong relationships with you both more than ever. It might be worth it to let stuff like that go if at all possible. Easier said than done, I know.

And if your FIL finds success with his treatments and his outlook for the future looks more stable, fixing the relationship with him can be done at that point.
 

Did you tell your husband how you're feeling?

Originally Posted by HonkyTonka 

So I learned on the drive home that FIL decided to vent to DH about what a bad person I was and how FIL didn't respect me. The conversation caught DH by surprise and he didn't respond (even with his first convo including DH saying "I will not tolerate you speaking badly about my wife"). Instead of calling his dad out on being disrespectful, DH clammed-up and just wanted to get out of there (I picked him up the following day).

Now, DH has just had a conversation with his mom about her progress and afterwards DH spoke to FIL. The chit chatted about work and other stuff. DH was laughing and being 'normal' which just made me totally furious. 

Am I crazy to be so pissed and hurt at DH for ignoring the conversation where FIL said he didn't respect me at all? I think DH should be polite to his Father for his Mom's sake, but to pretend like everything is normal - fun family happytime (without me), drives me to distraction. DH doesn't want to cause any waves with his parents since they are going through such a rough time, but I feel like he didn't stand up for me when he should have, and as a result, chose to make me unhappy instead of them. Is this selfish?

[babygirlie]

Just apologize. No preambles.. no excuses just say sorry. No buts. It's just a word. This woman is losing her family and she is suicidal. Just apologize. You were probably young and not as understanding then. This isn't the time to have a war. She's you mom. Let it go. It's the only way to go about with someone who is suicidal. It's not the time to tell her she's a horrible person. If she gets better maybe but right now for HER to move on and get healthier .. who cares.. say you're sorry. It's two words. Don't over think it.

[AttunedMama]

Originally Posted by babygirlie 

Just apologize. No preambles.. no excuses just say sorry. No buts. It's just a word. This woman is losing her family and she is suicidal. Just apologize. You were probably young and not as understanding then. This isn't the time to have a war. She's you mom. Let it go. It's the only way to go about with someone who is suicidal. It's not the time to tell her she's a horrible person. If she gets better maybe but right now for HER to move on and get healthier .. who cares.. say you're sorry. It's two words. Don't over think it.

This is really insulting, and not helpful.
 

[babygirlie]

How do you figure? Someone is suicidal. Pick and choose your battles. To push someone to death? now THAT is insulting. Guarenteed she would lose her husband over that. I would never forgive a spouse for pushing my mother over the edge.

I'm sorry but I find many women here are young and selfish with a lot of growing up to do and she even stated as such.

[HonkyTonka]

Originally Posted by AttunedMama 

This is really insulting, and not helpful.
 

I agree.

Quote:

Originally Posted by babygirlie 

How do you figure? Someone is suicidal. Pick and choose your battles. To push someone to death? now THAT is insulting. Guarenteed she would lose her husband over that. I would never forgive a spouse for pushing my mother over the edge.

I'm sorry but I find many women here are young and selfish with a lot of growing up to do and she even stated as such.

I'm curious to know, have you dealt with people with depression before? 

Also, I never said I had growing up to do. You hypothesized that about me.

[laohaire]

Originally Posted by babygirlie 

How do you figure? Someone is suicidal. Pick and choose your battles. To push someone to death? now THAT is insulting. Guarenteed she would lose her husband over that. I would never forgive a spouse for pushing my mother over the edge.

I'm sorry but I find many women here are young and selfish with a lot of growing up to do and she even stated as such.

I already sounded out my thoughts on just apologizing in my post #4 (because I did give it some serious consideration), but since I really hate to see anyone actually placing responsibility for someone's mental illness on the OP, I figured I'd chime in. The OP, regardless of how young and selfish she may or may not be, is not driving MIL to suicide. Think about it. But more than that, you are assuming that if the OP apologizes, that will be the end of it and everyone will be happy. However, what is more likely to happen is that the OP will be pressed to make more apologies in the future, change more things, and capitulate to more demands. And even if she did that, she still wouldn't "cure" MIL of her problem, while putting her own marriage, self-esteem, stress levels and family life in jeopardy. I'm all for people, including the OP, owning up to their part of any issues, but this is outright blackmail, and it's preposterous to say that the OP is responsible for MIL's condition.

[heathergirl67]

Also, if you read beyond the first post, you'll see that the OP and her MIL have gone a long way in reconciling and patching things up. They've had at least one pleasant conversation and they've both admitted to each other areas where they were wrong and could improve. The issue now is with her FIL. Totally different, IMO.

[HonkyTonka]

Since my last post, nothing has happened. DH and I still think and talk about this issues on a regular basis, but we have made no progress in resolving any issues.

MIL is now acting a little more normal - writing emails to DH, getting out gardening. She hasn't seen a therapist yet. I couldn't believe it! The only person she talks to is my FIL who we are certain is propagating negative feelings. DH has had skype and phone conversations and emails (without me) with FIL and MIL. DH is pleasant with FIL but doesn't think he ever wants to see him again based on what he said about me. This makes it tough for DH because he wants to be there for his mom, but he can't let go of what his Dad has done. 

MIL requested last week that DH skype with them on a more regular basis, so that they can see DD. This was an opening for DH to finally say that he is not happy with the situation. Here is his email:

"At this point I am still under the assumption that you asking to Skype with myself and DD but not HonkyTonka, is that correct? I understand that this has been an issue that we are avoiding until we all feel prepared to deal with it, but it is very difficult for me to have a pleasant conversation with you guys when I know that there are such negative feelings towards my wife. I'm not necessarily asking for us to discuss this at length at this point, but I would at least like to acknowledge the elephant in the room." 

MIL took six days to respond but here it is: 

"I have taken such a long time to reply because I wanted to think about what you wrote. I am certainly very much aware of the elephant and have always been so. We used to call  them mammoths  in the hospital. When I went into the hospital I had two big ones and a whole family of smaller ones. I have reduced them now pretty much to the one big one. Mostly I try not to think about HonkyTonka, it just makes me too sad. Your email has made me think about her a lot over the last week. Just thinking about her reduces me to tears and/or gives me an anxiety attack ( I can hardly see to write this now). What you call "negative feelings" are not just a whim,  they didn't just pop up like mushrooms overnight. Somehow this all has to get resolved as it is making me very unhappy. At the moment consider HonkyTonka's recalcitrant attitude a serious obstacle to any solution."

(recalcitrant = Having an obstinately uncooperative attitude toward authority)

(I'll remind you that I have had no contact with MIL at all since Xmas. I sent a photo album that was intercepted, I wrote a letter saying "I want to be friends" which didn't get delivered, and I sent a thank you letter for a scarf that was given to me from MIL from her trip to Thailalnd. She has not spoken to me at all)

DH and I have had our stomachs in knots and are bouncing off the walls with stress. We're talking about seeing a counselor tomorrow to help us figure out what to do. DH is at a total loss. He can't see any good solution to this problem. He would be fine with never seeing his dad again, but wants to help his mom, but wants to stand up for me and do what is right. We don't know what part of MIL problems are depression-related and which ones are "real". We don't know if I should talk with MIL or try to ride it out longer.

I'd love for people who have dealt with depression to help us through this. Do we try to smooth things over (assure her that I don't intend to keep her grandchild away from her and tell her that I don't hate her (both true)) or is it a losing battle if she is still stuck in depression???

[howeberry]

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I wish I had more to add. It sounds like it might have helped if your card and photobook had made it to your MIL months ago. I don't know what good it would do at this point since so much time has past and she's obviously so worked up over it, IMO. I wonder if it would help to call her yourself, to try to talk things out. Try calling with a clear head (if possible) and no agenda, just that she was on your mind and you wanted to see how she's doing. Just a thought. Sounds like she's over thought the entire situation and has your FIL to add fuel to the fire. I have no idea if this will work.

Good luck. I hope others have more helpful ideas...

[wantingagirl2b#4]

You surely have went the extra mile; wished I had your patience with my MIL!!! I sometimes wish they had a MIL forum!! Kiddo's to you!!