Family contacting me after 20 year absence. Advice?

[zoesmom2009]

I've been out of touch with my father's side of the family for nearly 20 years. Once I turned 18 and graduated high school, they just dropped of the face of the earth. Before that, I was very close to my grandparents and my aunt S. Visited them frequently as I was growing up. My dad, on the other hand, is a different story. We were never very close.  My parents were teenagers when I was born. They never married and he rarely came around. But even as he got older, he still remained unstable, changing jobs frequently, moving around alot. I'd see him, maybe,  3 or 4 times a year. Last I saw him he'd just divorced his 5th wife. In fact, the last I saw any of them were at my high school graduation. My dad and my brother showed up. Gave me hugs, cards from the rest of the family, congratulated me and then left. After that I heard next to nothing from them, other than the occasional phone call, always made by me. When I graduated college, I sent out invitations to all of them: my dad, my brother, grandparents, aunts and uncles. I got nothing. No cards, no calls, no nothing. I gave them every possible way to contact me, including both mine and my mom's phone numbers and addresses. I wasn't expecting gifts or money. I wasn't even really expecting them to show up. My college was a bit of a haul for them. At least 4 hours one way. But I was hoping for some sort of acknowledgement that they still cared. Nothing. It really hurt me, but I just assumed they wanted nothing to do with me, so I stopped trying to contact them altogether. They never tried to contact me. Until now. A couple weeks ago my aunt S found me through Facebook. We've exchanged a couple brief emails and she's given me her phone number. I've not yet called her. I don't know if I will. She seems completely oblivious as to why we "lost contact." I'm not really sure what to do. Part of me doesn't want to reconnect, yet another part of me does. At least to find out what happened all those years ago. I guess it is possible that every single invitation went astray. Possible, but not likely.

So, this is pretty much where I'm at. Both dh and my mom say that it is ultimately up to me and will support my decision either way. But I just really don't know...I don't know what to say to them anymore. I don't know that I have anything to say to them. I had long since closed that chapter of my life and moved on. I don't know if I want to open it again. Anyone have any advice? Anyone experience something similar?

[Adaline'sMama]

Are you happy with your life? Are you satisfied with the family you do have?

Sometimes it can be good to reconnect, but sometimes it brings a lot of drama and chaos for very little reward. I would have a long think about it, and if I felt satisfied with my life and wasnt yearning for more family, I might stay in touch with facebook, but I wouldnt call.

[Ldavis24]

Originally Posted by zoesmom2009 

I've been out of touch with my father's side of the family for nearly 20 years. Once I turned 18 and graduated high school, they just dropped of the face of the earth. Before that, I was very close to my grandparents and my aunt S. Visited them frequently as I was growing up. My dad, on the other hand, is a different story. We were never very close.  My parents were teenagers when I was born. They never married and he rarely came around. But even as he got older, he still remained unstable, changing jobs frequently, moving around alot. I'd see him, maybe,  3 or 4 times a year. Last I saw him he'd just divorced his 5th wife. In fact, the last I saw any of them were at my high school graduation. My dad and my brother showed up. Gave me hugs, cards from the rest of the family, congratulated me and then left. After that I heard next to nothing from them, other than the occasional phone call, always made by me. When I graduated college, I sent out invitations to all of them: my dad, my brother, grandparents, aunts and uncles. I got nothing. No cards, no calls, no nothing. I gave them every possible way to contact me, including both mine and my mom's phone numbers and addresses. I wasn't expecting gifts or money. I wasn't even really expecting them to show up. My college was a bit of a haul for them. At least 4 hours one way. But I was hoping for some sort of acknowledgement that they still cared. Nothing. It really hurt me, but I just assumed they wanted nothing to do with me, so I stopped trying to contact them altogether. They never tried to contact me. Until now. A couple weeks ago my aunt S found me through Facebook. We've exchanged a couple brief emails and she's given me her phone number. I've not yet called her. I don't know if I will. She seems completely oblivious as to why we "lost contact." I'm not really sure what to do. Part of me doesn't want to reconnect, yet another part of me does. At least to find out what happened all those years ago. I guess it is possible that every single invitation went astray. Possible, but not likely.

So, this is pretty much where I'm at. Both dh and my mom say that it is ultimately up to me and will support my decision either way. But I just really don't know...I don't know what to say to them anymore. I don't know that I have anything to say to them. I had long since closed that chapter of my life and moved on. I don't know if I want to open it again. Anyone have any advice? Anyone experience something similar?

Mama, I think you answered your own question right there. 

You have closed the door, moved on etc.

I can't imagine that your Aunt is trying to contact you for any reason that puts YOU first. She is obviously trying to take care of her own need. 

If it was me...just me, I would let it rest and just stop responding to the attempts at contact. 

[Caneel]

I really relate to how you describe your father.  My bio father is the same way - teen dad, very little contact.   I reached a point in my early 20s when I gave myself permission to stop feeling guilty because I didn't feel guilty about being happier without contact.  Doesn't that make sense? 

My first suggestion would be to think about what answer to the "At least to find out what happened all those years ago?"  question are you hoping for?    A particular reason they stopped contact?  Would any answer make you feel better?

If you father is flaky, is it possible that Aunt and Grandparents also share that trait?

My grandmother calls me once or twice a year and I do see her out of a sense of family obligation.  She is ok and pleasant enough to be around but I haven't seen anyone else from that part of the family since I was in high school.  I am perfectly fine with the way things are.  

[zoesmom2009]

Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama 

Are you happy with your life? Are you satisfied with the family you do have?

Absolutely. I am happy and fulfilled. I don't feel that I am missing anything by not having my bio father's family in my life.
 

Originally Posted by Ldavis24 

I can't imagine that your Aunt is trying to contact you for any reason that puts YOU first. She is obviously trying to take care of her own need. 

You know, my mom said the same thing. She thinks my aunt is just feeling guilty and trying to clear her conscience. Old person trying to get into heaven, so to speak.
 

Originally Posted by Caneel 

My first suggestion would be to think about what answer to the "At least to find out what happened all those years ago?"  question are you hoping for?    A particular reason they stopped contact?  Would any answer make you feel better?

After giving it some thought, I've realized that I really don't care that much about reuniting with them. The only reason I've been considering calling my aunt would be to find out what happened. Up until now, I laid the blame completely on their doorstep: they stopped caring, once I became an adult they didn't have to be legally responsible for me (i.e. my mom couldn't force my dad to pay child support) so they didn't have to play nice anymore, they simply forgot about me. But now I'm starting to wonder if perhaps it was a misunderstanding on my part? But even if it was, all I'd want to do is apologize. Other than that, I just don't care anymore. I hope they are well and happy, but it's the same generalized hope I have for every other living being on the planet.

[AttunedMama]

I dig reading that you're fulfilled and not needing them. Yay!

That said, if a person in this situation was NOT feeling fulfilled, I say it's all the more reason to be wary. Vulnerability sets us up to be, well, vulnerable and needy. When our lives are not well-rounded and satisfying, is when we're likely to accept substandard relationships and torment ourselves trying to make them good enough.

In my opinion and experience, a facebook reconnect is not the most valuable thing around. I used FB once and ended up getting people I'd known ten years prior, and not so well at that time, wanting to be 'friends'. If you were not on FB, would this person have been seeking you out? Or were they drunk one night and searched some names they could think of?

[zoesmom2009]

Originally Posted by AttunedMama 

In my opinion and experience, a facebook reconnect is not the most valuable thing around. I used FB once and ended up getting people I'd known ten years prior, and not so well at that time, wanting to be 'friends'. If you were not on FB, would this person have been seeking you out? Or were they drunk one night and searched some names they could think of?

Yeah, facebook is a strange phenomena. I have people from my junior high and high school days, who wouldn't give me the time of day back then, wanting to be 'friends'. Sometimes, I think it's just an ego-trip for people to collect as many friends as possible. As far as my aunt is concerned, I really do think she was honest when she said she'd been thinking about me. Though, whether, it's because she wants to absolve herself or chastise me, remains to be seen.