UPDATE - IT AIN'T PRETTY: Well, it's been a week and a half, and since I'm pretty much anonymous here I'll be honest: I wasn't cut out for this.
I've always said even before kids that I didn't think I'd be able to be a SAHM and the past 10 days have shown me that I was pretty in tune with who I was before the kids got here. I have no idea how you all do it without going completely insane. I'm not kidding. Unfortunately I'm a Type A personality with ADD and I overwhelm easily. I also have less patience than my toddler. So when I have days where I get literally not a single minute to myself - in which I usually spend that time doing something for the greater good of everyone else - I get very, very depressed and frustrated. I have a toddler who won't listen to one single thing I ask her to do - who also has self-inflicted encopresis/holds her stool and that in and of itself is enough to drive a sane person to the edge. Then I have and almost 9 month old who cries just at the sight of me standing, as if I'm abandoning her for the rest of her life, when all I want to do is use the bathroom. We all cosleep as well, with my toddler in her own bed in our room and the baby snuggled right up against me. The nights where I fall asleep putting them to bed drive me wild because another 24hrs has passed where I haven't had one single solitary minute alone. Sometimes if I wake up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom I'll stay up for 2 hours (or until I hear the baby cry) just to be alone, and still, most of that time is spent either researching my toddlers bathroom issues, making grocery lists and Googling coupons, of loading the dishwasher at 2am.
I'm not a selfish person at all, otherwise I'd use the teensy bit of two-hands-free time for myself, which I never, ever do - I'm always doing something for my family. Hell, I feel guilty just putting on a TV show I want to watch when my kids are awake - and even THEN it's something like Dr. Oz who has something about supplements on his show that day that I'm interested in, for the betterment of my entire family... it's not even some stupid mindless fluff show. But if I don't have anything left to give because my own reserves have all been depleted, then what? I've been burnt out for SOOOO long now that I don't even know how to replenish myself. My toddler goes to daycare once a week for an enrichment program and this Friday (the day she goes), my inlaws - who live an hour away - are going to watch the baby... all so I can clean my house and go food shopping, because it looks like someone ransacked this place and there isn't a damn thing to eat. Once can only do breakfast for dinner so many times in one week on a kitchen table that is stacked 2 feet high on one end with laundry, a sewing machine that hasn't been used in 2 months, some canned goods that I have no room for, piles of unopened mail, and an array of other things that have gone missing for weeks at a time.
What I'm wondering is this: am I sooo much different from all other women to feel this way? All I read or hear from other women who are SAHM's is that they just grin and bear it. All I ever hear is "it goes so fast, enjoy it". All I ever hear is "they're only little for such a short time". All I ever hear is, "you'll find your groove and it'll become second nature, but give it months and months to really start working out". I never hear about women doing anything for themselves, I never hear about the hard times or anything even remotely close to what I've posted here. I simply hear, "Well, that's just how it is" and they just live their lives this way day in and day out, without a complaint to be heard. I am not one of those women. I'm not that good. Maybe I'm "broken" or something to feel this way, I don't know. All I do know is that I just don't know how I'm going to make this work not only for me, but for my kids, without completely losing myself, the cleanliness/order of my home, and my grasp on reality of what happens in the real world while I'm busy just struggling along.
I love my kids, I'd die for them. I look at them and I tear up just wondering how I got so lucky... but when I can't even manage a shower but once every 5 days, or, I can't even open the mail, something has got to give.
Sorry for what seems like a pity party... I just know my limitations and I know there HAS TO be someone else who feels the same way I do... Maybe you all live this way. I just simply don't know how.