Tempter-tantrums 101 Spark-notes, Please

[onlyAngil]

Someone give me the break down of how to deal with tempter-tantrums again?

She is 3, 2.9123123123123 - lol - and I make sure to try and keep things "normal" (nap, food, sleep, all the stuff) so I am rather sure she is in no way "stressed" and this is a developmental step of her grow - which I really want to respect. With my son there was a lot of me holding/ rocking/ signing(/ crying with) him till he was calm, really the only things that worked with him - I also found out he had gluten sensitivity so that helped with making him more stable - perhaps it was me, perhaps I just have no idea to start with.... I understand, and use redirection, destruction, and a few other little tricks to help avoid reaching a full blown tantrum, but once we are there I AM CLUELESS!!! 

So, ya, tempter-tantrums 101 spark-notes, please, lol.

Edited by onlyAngil - 4/1/11 at 6:58pm

[mamazee]

Some kids are just going to have tantrums, and if it isn't caused by hunger, being tired, illness, etc., I'd just relax and let her have her tantrum.  Tantrums are a normal part of development for a lot of kids, and they are learning through them.  I'd just let her have her tantrum without judgment, and then when she's done give her lots of love and cuddles.  My older child had a trillion tantrums, some of them awful, but she did finally outgrow them, and then my second doesn't seem to really have them.  But I don't think tantrums are a problem - they're just something to endure and a stage to get through hopefully intact.

[onlyAngil]

I get what you are saying... just wish I knew how to deal with getting pushed, kicked, screamed at a bit better. I mean it upsets me both that she is feeling that this out burst is needed and that this types of actions make me rather disgruntled. Holding her close makes it worse, and putting her in her room would be a seemly worse in the long run, and understandably so. I feel like I am tween a rock and hard place with a splitting head and a 3yo - wait I am, lol. 

Thanks for the support that it is okay though :D

[LynnS6]

What happens if you step back, but not put her in her room? Or put her in her room if she hurts you, but check up on her regularly?

For my 2 kids, they needed vastly different treatment with tantrums. Ds needed to be left alone. Any sort of intervention (touch, talk) would make it worse. He was already over the edge and the extra 'stimulation' was more than he could handle. Dd, on the other hand, needed to be held. She would rage for a bit herself, but could not truly calm down until she was held.

I don't see separation when you're out of control as necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes people (children or adults) need less stimulation in order to get over it. I'd start with either just stepping away (staying close, but not touching/holding), or setting up a calming down spot in the main part of the house. Some place like behind the couch or in a corner with pillows would make a good place for a child to retreat to when they're overwhelmed.

[Bird Girl]

Tantrums are a normal way for children to behave when they are more frustrated (angry, upset) then they can handle. Children with stronger emotions have more of them. The key to "handling" them, for me, is to enforce reasonable behavior while sympathizing with the overwhelming emotion. There's no kicking/hitting/biting/scratching during a tantrum, and I would treat that behavior by removing them to a safe place, (crib, car-seat, your bed) and enforcing a consequence after the tantrum was over. As far as screaming and throwing oneself on the floor, that's OK, and I generally ignore it, after commenting mildly on the emotion, "Oh, you must be feeling very frustrated right now."

I found that both my kids were looking for connection more after the tantrum than during it. For my older child, especially, her tantrums were more over things that she had to do and didn't want to do, like leave her shoes on when walking on hot cement, or staying in her carseat. She wasn't looking to connect over those things, she was angry that I was holding the line! Afterwards, though, she would be much more amenable to talking about what had happened ("Mommy needs to keep you safe because I love you, and that's why you have to leave your buckle on.") We could reconnect at that time.

[onlyAngil]

Originally Posted by LynnS6 

What happens if you step back, but not put her in her room? Or put her in her room if she hurts you, but check up on her regularly?

I don't see separation when you're out of control as necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes people (children or adults) need less stimulation in order to get over it. I'd start with either just stepping away (staying close, but not touching/holding), or setting up a calming down spot in the main part of the house. Some place like behind the couch or in a corner with pillows would make a good place for a child to retreat to when they're overwhelmed.

If I just step back she normally tries to go back to what she was doing, which as of right now if things like claiming up onto the stove - while it is on, to try and eat the food which is being cooked- sitting on the cat, or climbing the book shelf (we go the park and there are things to climb in out back yard which she dose take full advantage of any moment she can). It really come down to me needing to stop her for safety reasons... and if I move her then leave her alone she try to get away from where ever we/ she is and get back to what she was doing. Very determined, I give her that! :D 

I am unsure where or how I could set up a place like that, out house small and there is no true "main part" unless I set something up under my kitchen table - being we choose to eat sitting on the floor... under a coffee table is really small, lol. Though over all I think you are right, I may need to learn to be more "hands off."

Originally Posted by Bird Girl 

Tantrums are a normal way for children to behave when they are more frustrated (angry, upset) then they can handle. Children with stronger emotions have more of them. The key to "handling" them, for me, is to enforce reasonable behavior while sympathizing with the overwhelming emotion. There's no kicking/hitting/biting/scratching during a tantrum, and I would treat that behavior by removing them to a safe place, (crib, car-seat, your bed) and enforcing a consequence after the tantrum was over. As far as screaming and throwing oneself on the floor, that's OK, and I generally ignore it, after commenting mildly on the emotion, "Oh, you must be feeling very frustrated right now."

I found that both my kids were looking for connection more after the tantrum than during it. For my older child, especially, her tantrums were more over things that she had to do and didn't want to do, like leave her shoes on when walking on hot cement, or staying in her carseat. She wasn't looking to connect over those things, she was angry that I was holding the line! Afterwards, though, she would be much more amenable to talking about what had happened ("Mommy needs to keep you safe because I love you, and that's why you have to leave your buckle on.") We could reconnect at that time.

Could you explain to me what you mean by what I made bold?

I think the reconnecting may be something I am kinda over looking and need to add to my "parenting arsenal" (lol). Perhaps make some type of little 'ritual' to help me remember to do it and offer a form of end for myself in nothing else.

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This thread hads been really helpful to help "fine turn" my parenting in a time of change! Thank you guys :D