Thoughts on Boys

[mareseatoats]

We found out on Tuesday that we are having a boy. I had a feeling that was the case anyhow, but it was confirmed and everything looked perfect. It was very exciting. He's kicking a lot these days, and others are able to feel it so we're really getting into the sweet spot of pregnancy. But here's my dilemma -- I didn't really feel disappointed that we are having a boy; I expected it and I see a lot of really cool positives about having an older sister/younger brother dynamic. BUT I have come to realize that I, for some reason, feel like having a boy is a lot less special than having a girl. I'm not sure why I think this way. I know that I could have happily had only daughters and not felt like I was missing out on something, and I'm sure that's a part of it. But why do I feel like I am doing something less special, less rewarding, now that I know our baby is a boy?

I haven't been upset about it (except at the thought of legos taking over my house. Darn those legos) at all, but it is somehow kind of a "Oh, well okay." feeling. When I read birth stories or find out someone is having a girl I feel like they did a better job, or somehow got something more precious than I will. I wonder if part of me feels that because he's a boy he'll be less mine, somehow. Another factor is a stepson who has some issues and who has had very different parenting than what my DF and I have planned (no video games, etc). I thought maybe part of it also, is that I don't like a lot of "boy" things. I don't like the dark, bright colors of a lot of boy clothes and gear, I'm bothered by the inherently violent aspect of the majority of boy toys, I can't stand sports... and I have absolutely loved being the mother to a little girl (which, obviously I still will be, but she's 4 and growing up so very fast). I'm not too worried about this feeling leaking over into when the baby is actually here, I already love him to pieces, but I'm wondering if anyone has any thoughts on this? I would also love to hear some experiences from mothers with sons.

Thank you.

[LovingBaby]

Hmmm I don't really know what to say.  I have two boys and they are wonderful, caring and so so so sweet!  And momma is usually the favorite parent (so he'll still be your little baby) and they love cuddles too!  Maybe it is your experience with your step son that has you a little worried?

I think boys are great, and though I would love to have a daughter I think my chances of having another boy are greater.  lol  And I am totally on board to have another boy.  Girls can be just as much or more into sports than boys, just because you are having a boy doesn't mean he will want to play sports.  And wait till you get to play with the nerf guns, they are surprisingly fun.  And lego (my DH is extremely into legos, even if we had girls I am sure we would still have  a gazillion legos laying around) is really such a great toy.  They come with instructions for a specific build, but my boys really enjoy making anything that their imagination makes up.  

Boys ARE rewarding, and in my opinion it is great that you get the opportunity to experience raising a girl and a boy.  

PS between my husband and I, I am the sporty one.  Not him ;)

[hck73]

My first pregnancy, my husband and I both just assumed we were having a girl.  Well, that didn't pan out :)  I just felt like I wouldn't know what to do w/ a boy.  But he came, and he is awesome :D  And you needn't worry about him being less yours.  Boys love their mamas!  So almost 3 years later I was pregnant w/ my daughter and nervous about having her because now I felt like I was a boy's mama.  Again, it's a non-issue.  So you'll be fine.  And you'll love them both even though right now it's hard to imagine loving anyone as much as you love your daughter.  Your son will be awesome, too :)

[mei_78]

Hi, just wanted to let you know I can relate to how you are feeling. I have 2 girls ages 5 and 7. I just had my first son 5 weeks ago. I actually wanted a boy, so I could experience that too, but it seemed so out of place for me. I could shop for girl clothes all day long, but boy stuff? Seemed ugly and frankly, quite generic to me. Everything is trucks or sports! I didn't think I could get in to it and enjoy it as much. Well, everything has changed now that he is here. It's a little harder to find clothes or baby gear that I like, but it's out there and it's just as much fun as it is for girls, and what's cool is that he's my 3rd kid, but it's somewhat of a new experience. I can see it might be a little harder to raise a boy with our values, since society does seem to push more violence at them, but I really look forward to being able to teach him how to be a kind, compassionate gentleman. And I am hoping he'll be a Mama's boy! I think you will adore your little man and love being the mother of a son. I know I am so grateful for the opportunity to grow even more as a mother. It's a beautiful thing!

[Earthylady]

I have two girls and one boy.  Today my ds turns 5!  And while I love him to pieces, but in my experience there is just something about girls that are so much sweeter, gentler, cuddlier.  Boys are so rough, dirty, messy, etc and I have a really hard time 'getting' him a lot.  He's just a boy!  It's just that he's different than a girl!  Duh!  LOL  I get frustrated some times cause he goes full steam ahead ALL THE TIME and he's so rough and the girls get hurt when he's just playing.  It's not the same as my girls being all gentle and cautious and helpful.  So, there are definately differences in a boy vs. girl that are just how they are made.  As I said, I LOVE my son!  But I connect a lot deeper with my daughters.  I hope to have another boy for my older boy to play with and they can be rough together and give these girls a break.  LOL  As difficult as it is for me to 'get' the boy, it's that difficult for hubby to 'get' the girls.  I just understand them better, and hubby understands the boys better.  So, it works out.  :)

[SuzyQ-ME]

Try not to assume to much what your boy will be like - in the negative, I mean.  He's still *your* son.  The marketing is annoying - all the sports and the violence.  But that doesn't mean your boy will be into all that!  Maybe he'll be into books and wizards!  Maybe he'll be into music or painting. His gender matters far less than his genetics, which are half yours.   It will be so great that you will not force gender stereotypes about what he is "supposed to" like on him, and instead let him discover and reveal his own personality.  

[Mommel]

Wow. I so get this... we were expecting to see two on the ultrasound screen and weren't even thinking about gender, but when we were told it was one boy, honestly I was a little stunned. I don't know anything about boys, and the fact that DP may or may not be in the picture makes it all that much more disconcerting right now. And Earthylady did not help much at all, as far as that goes. Sorry to say, but that was really hard to read honestly, especially given that this is my first, and likely my only child for many reasons, not the least of which are physical. I know it's her opinion and experience and it's always good to get a variety of takes on a subject, but I (like the OP, I think) am hoping for more positive experiences with boys here, to counteract all the stereotypical differences that have been thrust upon me, without my knowledge until now.

Personally, I'm just spending a lot of time talking to my friends who have boys, especially those who have only boys or those whose first child was a boy, to try to understand more about what it would be like to have a boy and really focusing on the positives, like not having to worry about what he's wearing as a teenager so much, etc. and I'm finding out that little boys are often much closer to their mamas than most little girls are, especially as they grow up. And I'm doing research. I am also really annoyed by everything with trucks and guns and camouflage all over it. There's nothing wrong with it per se, but it's really hard to find boy clothes that have some actual style to them, in lieu of a baby suit and tie... LOL

[berry987]

Dropping in from the Nov. due date club! I have three boys (6, 4 and 2) and I think I know what you mean about being sort of unexcited about boys. I felt that way when I was pregnant with my first son. I was so sure I was having a girl and since I come from a family of four girls and one boy, I just always pictured lots of daughters. So finding out I was having a boy was sort of uncharted territory. And I looked around at all these boys I'd see running around the mall and they didn't seem very cute.

But let me tell you - once you have that little boy in your arms he will be no less precious than your daughter. I thought boy clothes were boring, but now when I see my older boys walk around in a t-shirt and khacki shorts looking like mini-men my heart swells and I think they're adorable. Their short little boy haircuts may not be as obviously cute as a little girl with pigtails but when it's on your little boy, with all his heart and sweetness, you'll think he's the cutest thing ever. 

Because the reality is he will be YOUR child and the reason you think your daughter is fantastic and adorable is because she is yours, not because she's a girl. 

I'm pregnant with my fourth child now and honestly, I'm feeling nervous about the prospect of having a girl. I know boys now and they are wonderful. They love playing basketball outside and building legos, but they also love cuddling, coloring and baking. And their "boy" interests are fun to watch - even though I don't particularly like Star Wars, I love how passionate they are (my oldest in particular) when he talks about Star Wars. They're just cute and fun and...well, you'll love your son so much you'll forget you ever had reservations. And the old adage is true - they LOVE their mamas so much. 

Edited: I just read Earthlady and Mommel's posts and I wanted to add something: the people I know who have a girl and a boy seem to have a harder time with their boy. Maybe girls are gentler and calmer and they set parents up to think that gentle and calm is better and then they have this energetic boy and they don't know what to do with him. I only have boys, so I can't compare too much (although I do have 5 nieces) - my boys are energetic, but they aren't hyperactively obnoxious. They have daily needs for physical activity (I joke that I sometimes take them to the park just to "run them") - so we take walks, go to the park or they just play outside by themselves for hours on nice days. We have a mini trampoline in the basement to help for rainy/cold days. But they can also color for 20-30 minutes at a time, play legos quietly, and they love snuggling on the couch and reading. They may be MORE energetic than girls (not sure), but it's not some crazy frenetic pace here. They can be rough at times, too - but that is all part of setting boundaries. They play with neighborhood girls and don't hurt them when they play - they know hitting and kicking, etc is unacceptable. They love playing with fake guns (sticks, whatever) but we have rules about pointing them at people and only playing guns if the other person wants to. So, I guess what I'm saying is boys are different than girls, I'm sure - but they aren't (or don't have to be) those crazy hyperactive boys who jump off the walls and chase the cat everywhere. Just like girls, boys come in all kinds of shapes and sizes - most likely your son will be more like you or your partner than some generic "boy" type.

Edited by berry987 - 4/1/11 at 11:43am

[brackin]

Totally DDC crashing, but saw this is new posts and had to respond.  My oldest child is a girl and I have 2 younger boys.  When I found out my second child was a boy, I was really nervous; all I knew was girls, having had a daughter and having grown up with two sisters.  I'm feeling emotional writing this, because I absolutely LOVE having 2 boys.  My daughter is more...sensitive and empathetic?...but my sons are every bit as snuggly, sweet, loving, and fun as my daughter.  I agree with pp also on this--boy clothes are even cute and fun.  You won't believe how much you'll love it.

[Phineasmama]

Goodness, mine are the opposite! My DD is a handful and a total drama queen, but my DS is a sweet little momma's boy :) I find boys a lot easier, I kind of hope the new baby turns out to be a boy!

[hck73]

Originally Posted by Mommel 

Wow. I so get this... we were expecting to see two on the ultrasound screen and weren't even thinking about gender, but when we were told it was one boy, honestly I was a little stunned. I don't know anything about boys, and the fact that DP may or may not be in the picture makes it all that much more disconcerting right now. And Earthylady did not help much at all, as far as that goes. Sorry to say, but that was really hard to read honestly, especially given that this is my first, and likely my only child for many reasons, not the least of which are physical. I know it's her opinion and experience and it's always good to get a variety of takes on a subject, but I (like the OP, I think) am hoping for more positive experiences with boys here, to counteract all the stereotypical differences that have been thrust upon me, without my knowledge until now.

Personally, I'm just spending a lot of time talking to my friends who have boys, especially those who have only boys or those whose first child was a boy, to try to understand more about what it would be like to have a boy and really focusing on the positives, like not having to worry about what he's wearing as a teenager so much, etc. and I'm finding out that little boys are often much closer to their mamas than most little girls are, especially as they grow up. And I'm doing research. I am also really annoyed by everything with trucks and guns and camouflage all over it. There's nothing wrong with it per se, but it's really hard to find boy clothes that have some actual style to them, in lieu of a baby suit and tie... LOL

My boy was first and I wouldn't trade him :)  And I think he dresses pretty darn well ;)  I think that most of my friends who have both will agree that boys are harder in the beginning (toddler years).  But I suspect that the tables will be a turnin' in the teenage years.  When I say harder it's more for lack of a better word.  And also, it's not across the board.  Boys just tend to be into everything.  And honestly, I think that's a great gift.  And I certainly know a few girls like that, too.  As I said above, I had the same reaction as you when I saw the u/s.  But a baby is a baby and then by the time he's not a baby?  You will be so in love w/ him.  You won't even be able to imagine him not being your boy :)  Since you are looking for some positive things:  My son is 7.5.  I am pretty sick being pregnant.  Well, this child has stepped up.  He takes care of his sister and gets her snack when I can't.  When I'm laying down, he comes in just to check on me and see if I need anything.  First thing he does when he gets up in the morning?  Run into to see me and give me a kiss and tell me how well he slept.  He is very empathetic even though he has the "boy" trait of having lots of energy.  He is the best little host I've ever met - sometimes to a fault.  And I wouldn't trade him.  I adore my little girl, too, but I won't bore you w/ that ;)
 

[19spitfire]

I have two sons , 2 yrs and 10 yrs, and a daughter who is 12. I was nervous about having boys because of the 'rough' nature of boys. I have learned a lot from my oldest son. I have found him to be just as sensitive, kind and cuddly as my daughter. I think that for most boys it is their nature to be less talkative than girls and my oldest son definitely has a harder time getting the thoughts and feelings from his heart and head to his mouth quickly. But I see now that this doesn't mean he is defiant or ignoring me. Boys just respond differently than girls (much of the time.). I don't intend to say that all boys are like my son, but in my experience with my sons this is what I've found.
PS My oldest son is always the first to say something kind to me when I need it most!

[rareimer]

i have a girl and a boy, and i love them both to pieces, but my boy is my "mama's boy."  he is so much snugglier than my daughter was, and just melts me.  i never had any brothers, and never had much experience with boys, and wasn't sure what to expect, but i've found in so many ways it's been easier to parent him than it was to parent a girl, and there is just something special about having a little boy (kind of like daddies with their girls.)  i think you will love having a little boy!

[ArtistMama28]

I just have to say that I too have been, well, more ambivalent about having a boy. I have a daughter who I adore, and I don't know if it's because I think it would be great for her to have a sister, or I feel like I'm used to having a girl, or just because boy names are so darn difficult, but I've been hoping a little bit that this one is a girl, too.

But reading some of your beautiful posts made me feel so awesome and reminded me that no matter who this baby is, it'll be unique. I already love it!

Thanks.

[youngsoul]

I totally relate too, mareseatoats...I'm finding myself actively wishing that the baby in my belly is not a boy! I have a 2.5yo DD whom I adore, and the thought of adding a boy to my family is a hard thing to comprehend. I'm going to find out the gender at my ultrasound in a few weeks only because I need to emotionally prepare if the baby is a boy. :) I hope that if I do have a boy, he is as gentle and compassionate as my daughter...but I'm worried he'll love sports and toy guns and all the stuff I avoid in my life!

Anyway, it's nice to see all the posts from folks who have lovely little boys! :)

[redpajama]

This is such an interesting topic to me--and one that I sort of feel I've been on both sides of.

When I was pregnant with my first, I really wanted a boy.  I don't even recall why, exactly, except that I had a lot of nephews at the time, and boys were sort of what I "knew," and I loved the idea of having a son.  And alas, my oldest was a boy.

With my second, I felt relatively indifferent--I knew that I really wanted to have a daughter at some point, but I knew I would most likely have another child eventually, so I didn't feel any "pressure" (or whatever) for that baby to be a girl.  Nonetheless, I was excited when I found out she was a girl.

By the time I was pregnant with my third, my son was 3.75 and my daughter had just turned 2.  My son was a total handful (I think 3 is a difficult age in general) and my daughter was the sweetest, easiest toddler I've ever known.  I was sort of terrified of having another boy.  I had a hard time relating to his impulses--especially the aggressive and anti-social ones.  I sort of felt at a loss when I was trying to deal with him, like I just didn't "get" him.  I told my husband that if this baby (#3) was a boy, there would be no #4, because I couldn't possibly run the risk of becoming the mom of 3 boys (I said this *mostly* tongue-in-cheek...mostly).

My third was a girl (we didn't find out ahead of time, so it was a surprise at the birth).  At that time, my son was 4.5 and my daughter was 2.75.  My older daughter had a really difficult transition into her new sibling role, and acted out a lot--emotionally, rather than physically like my son did at her age. Soon she turned 3 (a magic number, indeed) and as she entered her sort of "rough patch," my son was nearing five, began reading pretty well and got interested in all sorts of things that I love sharing with him (like Harry Potter, and piano).  

Now, expecting my 4th, my perspective has changed so much.  As they've grown and developed a little bit, I have so, SO much more in common with my son than I have with my daughter (I don't feel any closer to my son, he's just easier for me to "get" and we have more in common in terms of interests and personality).  This time around, I can honestly say that it as absolutely unimportant to me whether I have a boy or a girl (though I suppose I am sort of wishing for a boy because both my older kids--now 6 and 4--have expressed that they're hoping for a brother).  

I know I got really long-winded here, but I guess my point is just that your feelings about this will likely shift with time.  The truth is, there are some really special things about having a daughter...and some equally, if different, things about having a son.  I love the relationship I have with each of my kids, and the more I know of them, the less their sex has any relevancy at all.

[CamilleBethany]

This is a quick response, but my oldest is a boy (now I'm expecting my 3rd girl). I was raised with 3 sisters, no brothers. I really wanted a girl my first time around, and I had that same feeling when I found out it was a boy. It's not that I wasn't excited or didn't love him, I just don't know boys...it was weird.

I love that kid sooo much! I hate mess and clutter, but the Lego's don't bother  me. You can choose the colors you want (I do a lot of blues, grays, blacks, navy blue...) He's such a delight, so funny, so unique, and I just can't imagine life with out him. I'm so happy to have at least one boy. And yes, the brother/sister relationship is so sweet to watch!

[snanna]

I love reading everyone's thoughts on boys. For me, with a girl, then a boy, and now a mystery coming, there is a certain longing for another girl-- I had sisters and would love to give my dd that experience-- but I'll be happy to watch the two of them welcoming a brother as well.

I have found that there are a lot of differences between my two, though I'm not sure how much to ascribe to their physical sex, how much to personality, and how much to socialized gender roles. It's fun to watch evolve, though! With my son, I enjoy our differences, and find his toddler/preschooler drama easier to deal with because it is less similar to my own than my daughter's is. Dd and I often clash in ways clearly due to our very similar emotional landscapes. Is this partly because she's my first? So many factors!

My son's physical size has been another difference that has impacted my experience of mothering him-- at 3, he is the same weight and shoe size as dd, 6. He's a few inches behind in height, but that's changing too. It's a whole different thing, carrying a tantrumming 44pounder out of a restaurant. And people think he should be more mature for what they assume to be his "age". This is more of a boy phenomenon, but I know it can happen with girls as well.... 

[dramamamax4]

Gosh, my son is a walk in the park compared to my daughters.  He has always been so mellow and even tempered-very sweet and still cuddly at eight.  My daughters bring on the drama 24/7.  Love all of their unique personalities, but I know our family would not be the same without our little guy! 

[mareseatoats]

We are in the process of moving, so this is not as long of a reply as I would like it to be, but I just wanted to say a very, very heartfelt thank you to everyone. Reading your thoughts and experiences has been absolutely wonderful. They are eloquent, beautiful and caring. I feel both understood and supported . From the bottom of my heart I want to thank you for the time and thought you've put into your responses. It means so much to me, and I've been quite and introspective the last few days, really exploring my thoughts on boys and thinking about what all you have said. And I'm getting excited! As several of you pointed out, there will be some differences, but individual personality will matter a lot more than gender, and I'm finding I just can't wait to find out who this little guy will be. And I am SO looking forward to some good snuggling.