At a loss with my 4 year old son :(

[Feelingblah]

Since the day he was born he has been very high-maintenance.  Colicky, high-needs, didn't sleep, very strong-willed, always crying or screaming, etc...  Now that he is 4 he is much much much better but he knows exactly how to push my buttons and sometimes I think I dont even "like" him.  I love him tremendously and even talking about him in a bad way makes me feel sick to my stomach but I need some advice and I have to get this stuff out.

He is very high-energy.  Always very loud, making messes, getting into things, doing things he isnt supposed to be doing.  He goes to reschool 3 days a week and i love the break.  But the second he is home we are at each others throats.  I should also mention that he is very intelligent and I really love his little personality and I wouldnt change him for anything.  But sometimes when he does things or doesnt listen to me I feel like I want to hurt him to make him listen :(  I dont really spank (though I have) but lately he's really been on my nerves and I fly off the handle at him.

Toady, for instance, it was time for his nap.  We cuddled on the couch and watched a show then we went upstairs for him to take a nap.  We sat in the glider to read a story.  He picked the book.  I told him 1 book (bc it was late for a nap).  We get halfway thru the book and he says he doesnt want to read that book that we wants a different book.  I told him no that we were going to finish that book then he was taking a nap.  He started throwing a fit.  I yelled at him and told him "We read this book or no book at all!!"  He said, "But I dont want to read that book!  I want another book!"  I just flipped out.  I literally pushed him off of me and he landed on the floor on his butt and I yelled, "Then go get another book!" as I threw the other book across the room :(  He started crying and walked over to get a new book.  I didnt even feel bad.  Then he was taking forever to pick out a book and I got up and grabbed him by the arm and yelled for him to hurry up and pick out a book.  He was crying for daddy and picked another book.  I raced thru the book and put him in his bed without saying a word to him but of course he was fine at that point like nothing had happened.  All he knew was that he got his way and here I am an hour later and I;m still upset about the whole thing.

I feel like he brings out the worst in me but I know its not him its ME!  I feel like what I did today was borderline abuse and I'm so upset by it.  I dont want that to happen again but Im just not sure I can control myself.  He brings out a side of me that I didnt knew exsisted.  I have a younger son who is 2 and I've never flown off the handle at him. 

I'm not sure what I want from this post but I needed to get it out.  I know I need to work on my anger towards him but I dont know how.  Its not like I want to act this way.

[syn_ack89]

I have an 18 mo old and 4 year old and I think part of the anger I sometimes feel is something related to hormone and mothers instincts to push an older child to be more independent. The younger one essentially programs us to push the older one out of the baby role.

I am planning to have my DH take the younger one so I can spend time re-bonding with the older. I LOVE him but lately he is making me wacko.

On a side note, maybe instead of a nap the older one can just have quiet time...my older gave up naps a long time ago (too early for me). So maybe this is your DS's way of indicating that naps are no longer wanted/needed.

[berry987]

The book incident sounds like what my 4yo does almost nightly at storytime. Have you read Scream Free Parenting? It helped me a lot with all of my kids. It's about clear rules, staying calm, not taking your child's behavior personally, etc. We all lose our tempers and do/say things we wish we hadn't - my goal is to keep those incidents to a minimum.

[Natalie12]

I have a button pushing kid too.

Be gentle with yourself, and give yourself as many breaks as you need.  This may mean taking more breaks than you think you should need, but do it anyway.

On another note, your ability for patience will grow with your child. My daughter is 5, and every bit as challenging as she was at 2. But I'm a much more patient person now, and so it's easier. 

Hang in there . Trust me, I know how hard it is.

[crunchy_mommy]

A book you might consider reading is Simplicity Parenting by Kim John Payne... It sounds crazy but simplifying his life by providing a daily rhythm, fewer choices, less media exposure, etc. could help calm him down some.

Do you have someone to help you -- a partner, family/friends, etc? One thing I find is I reach my boiling point much more quickly when I'm already stressed out by work/chores/life/etc. and don't get enough time to myself...

As far as the situation you described, a few things I see could have helped that. One, watching TV before nap/bedtime can be too stimulating and make the transition to bed more difficult. You could consider cutting out the show and having a longer reading time... Two, pick & choose your battles. It drives me nuts when DS wants to change books halfway through, but is it really that big a deal? This is also an area where limiting choices (having only 1-2 books available, for instance) could help. Three, take a time out. Just remove yourself from the situation, go into another room and count to 30, or say a quick prayer/meditation, or listen to a short song, or do something physical (jumping jacks or whatever) to de-stress.

Those are just a few ideas off the top of my head.... Kudos to you for reaching out for help. My DS was/is high-needs and it is just so tough, really tests your patience and drains the life out of you at times...

[DuckDuckGoose]

I could have written your post,  seriously.  My 4 year old is the same way for me. Its frustrating and he spends a lot of time with his daddy because daddy "gets" him better than I do.  we do go through periods of time where we get along better, but I feel like he has similar personality traits that I had when I was a kid and we tend to repel each other.  I also have a 2 year old that is much more of a compliant child. When I am upset at him he gives me this grin and says "Alwight......mama" and it melts my heart. I've never really gotten that from ds1.

Being firm with limits, but also learning to pick my battles has helped some. But I really need to work on retaining patience because I'm known to freak out at the drop of a hat. I guess I just wanted to send you some empathy. I'm hoping that the strong traits that our boys possess will turn into positives later on in life. I already see mine shaping into a leader and an artist and a performer. Channeling his energy into productive things works great for keeping the peace around here!

[ElliesMomma]

Fish oil helps me. i use coromega. i actually give it to both of my kids too. there have actually been times when i think to myself that i could be screaming about this or that, and yet i am surprisingly calm and let things slide. i love those times. i'm going to go out on a limb here and give at least some of the credit to taking the fish oil. when i forget to take my daily dose, i think i have more "meltdowns" (of me). also, as others have noted, it happens when there's too much going on, and no "me time." 

Edited by ElliesMomma - 5/28/11 at 10:16pm

[sweetpeppers]

I think what other people have said about not taking your child's personality personally is very important. Yes, it's good to be understanding and all, but there are times when we just need to walk away and do something else. I don't do timeouts or any punishments, but I've taken to putting my son out of the room when he hits me. I try not to get mad, but I'm not going to put up with being abused by a 4 year old! Or anyone else. The way he talks to me sometimes is just unbelievable. I wouldn't put up with anyone else screaming at me about any little thing. But it's really not my problem. It's not our job to make our children happy all the time. Just because they are unhappy, doesn't mean we have to be.

I second the recommendation for Simplicity Parenting. As mothers we can do our job by controlling the environment (speaking of which the Parenting Passageway blog pointed me toward this blog post that I have been using as inspiration all week): making sure they are getting enough sleep, enough time outside, keeping the house clean, regular mealtimes, limited screen time, not too many activities, etc, etc. But then we have to step back and ... I don't know, live our own lives? Let them live theirs? Don't sweat the small stuff?

Something I always remind myself: is that I'm not responsible for his behavior, only for mine. Maybe you could look at the times when you get boiling mad, and try to figure out what your triggers are, so you can catch yourself before you have a tantrum. I find that the things that make me the maddest at him are when he's keeping me from doing what I want (like at bedtimes and formerly at naptimes-he doesn't nap any more or when I'm trying to get something done). It's really important to just walk away, and have a mantra that you say to yourself. At times I have recited to myself the fruits of the spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, goodness, self control. Those are the things that I want to be modeling for my son. Those are the things that I want to be living.

We lived in a conversion van for a while last year, and it seems like every day I would be ready to explode or I would explode. It was the ultimate experience of tribulation worketh patience. Even now, I know my triggers: if I'm not getting enough sleep or haven't eaten lunch yet or am stressing out about work that isn't getting done, everything he does will set me off. Many times we have to go to our separate corners so to speak. I'm single, so there isn't anyone to mediate, and I know that is true for most mothers all day long.

[beenmum]

 Take a deep breath. You ARE doing fine.

I loved the link that was posted. That blog was extremely beautiful...not so much in her description of her daily routine, but in her understanding that she didnt control the consequences of her sons actions....HE did.

If he doesnt pick up his toys, he doesnt get any toys to play with. If he wants to read a book, he can choose 2 books, and thats it. If he doesnt want to read those books, the next stage of the day happens, which is nap. Thats his choice by decided he doesnt like the options he choose.

You have every right to expect that he heed your rules. Those rulesd should be firm and clear. Any breaking ofd those rules should have a related consequence that has been previously explained. You owe him no explaination. At 4 he should be told of the rules, the consequences and left to learn that the concequences are what he is chosing with his actions...not that YOU are choosing them for him. That his behaviour has chosen them.

[Lisa1970]

Something about 5 yrs old (which is directly preceeded by 4 yrs old) gets me running to the schools to enroll my children. LOL..I am not kidding, sadly so. My now 16 yr old was sooo difficult at that age. He knows it too and can giggle about it now. Thank goodness he is such a good kid now! My theory is, the child who had to hear NO the most when he was little is the one who understands it the best when he is older. 

Wish I had better advice! Just keep plugging away and know it will not always be like this.