Is it CIO to ignore tantrums?

[hasya]

I was trying to lube DD's stroller wheels yesterday with some machine oil, and she wanted the bottle of oil. You could say that I should have done it while she was asleep but because she sleeps in our bed, I remain in the same room while she's asleep.

Anyway, she started shrieking for the bottle, which of course I wasn't going to give her. Before starting, I left many of her own and library board books for her to look at on the floor. She loves looking at the pictures. As soon as she saw me doing something interesting with something interesting however, she wanted a piece of the action. No amount of new things pulled out (her hat, her blanket, my hat, my scarf...) would distract her, neither would sitting in my lap. I tried to get her to "help" by pushing the stroller wheels back and forth. No go. Finally, I set her down, and started talking to her. Not that she understood, but I told her that if she used crying for things like this, it would lose its efficacy when it truly mattered. Not really I hope, and I certainly hope it doesn't come to that, but I was trying to keep my own sanity with a shrieking almost-toddler drumming into my ears. She somehow calmed down and went behind the stroller and started pulling shoes out of the shoe rack. It is something I let her do occasionally for a few minutes (we're buying a closed shoe rack today, much as I hate keeping shoes closed), so it wasn't a bribe or anything. And I got my job done.

Now, was I letting her CIO by not giving in to her demands for attention? Or the oil bottle, which of course there's no way I can give her, because it isn't a plaything, most definitely. I know that if I had been sitting with nothing in my hands, she wouldn't even have come near me. So, it wasn't me that she wanted. It was the bottle.

What would you have done? Or not done?

PS: I know that DD is only 11 months old, but I figured that this behaviour tends towards toddler-like, and she's almost a toddler now.

[hildare]

oh, absolutely not!  (imo)  especially since you sure can't stop the screaming.  it's how they're learning to process emotions, and i was very surprised when dd started tantruming at around that age.  offer comfort, if you can, try to explain or label feelings, etc.  but, honestly, you can't give a baby a bottle of oil.  nothin' else to do!  it will eventually start getting better, though, for us it's improving a little more now that dd's comprehension skills are increasing-- the other day she DIDN'T tantrum when i explained we were going to do something else first, then the bath she was about to start yelling for.  i made my mind up though, at the age your lo is, that i would absolutely positively under no circumstances 'give in' once i had said no for something.  i think that's key from what i've seen with other people.  if mama waffles once ever, it's a lesson baby won't forget..  and it probably would work for some folks to offer a substitute (another bottle with water in it?) but that never worked for us.  not once.  monkey is not fooled. 

[darcytrue]

I don't think it is. You weren't intentionally putting her in a room and shutting the door to let her go to sleep on her own and CIO. That's what CiO means to me.

[prothyraia]

Refusing to give them something dangerous or unhealthy because they're screaming for it is not CIO.

Refusing to give them COMFORT when they're screaming for it is CIO.

That's the difference in my mind.  Tantrums don't get my kids what they want; but I will sympathize with their feelings, reflect them, and try to verbalize what I think they're going through so that they eventually develop the tools to express those big emotions in a more appropriate way as they get older.

[Mal85]

Yeah, that's not CIO. DD started throwing tantrums just a little older than that. At first I felt like such a mean mommy by ignoring them. But, I try to help her at first. Sometimes she'll let me distract her, sometimes she won't. When she won't, I just tell her I know she's feeling frustrated/sad/angry/etc. because she wants whatever it is she wants, but that Mommy can't help her if she won't let me. And I leave it at that, going about whatever it is I was trying to do. She gets pissed off at first and usually the tantrum escalates for a few minutes once I walk away from it. But after that few minutes, she realizes that I'm not giving in to her and she moves on. Sometimes she'll end up coming to me for snuggles, which I happily give her. Sometimes she just finds something else to focus on.

I just found that a lot of times, it is just a huge waste of time for both of us if I try to stop her tantrum. And it usually just makes it worse anyway.

[treeoflife3]

I would have let her throw her tantrum too and ignore it.  Maybe I'd have given her her own bottle or job to do but if it was a no go for her than too bad, she can wear herself out crying.  It isn't my job to keep her happy and quiet 100% of the time, it is only my job to keep her safe and loved.  As much as they might like you to believe it so they can get their way, a tantrum doesn't mean they haven't received enough love.... actually it can often mean they've received a lot of love.  Sometimes there is nothing you can do to avoid a tantrum other than give in to something unsafe (such as giving a bottle of oil if they won't agree to a different helpful job or a bottle of pretend oil.)  Between a tantrum and a real bottle of oil in the hands of an 11 month old, I'd take the tantrum.  Sure, we don't like seeing our kids unhappy and crying, but sometimes it is our job to let them do exactly that.

[hasya]

Thank you all for your replies! This is a shocking new thing she is doing. I was wondering where we went wrong with her. It is good to know that other AP parents experience this too, and the kids do turn out well! Since I am sitting at the boring old computer now, she is playing with her snowsuit. And she's back. Wants my cup of hot tea. Er....sorry, no!

Edited by hasya - 4/3/11 at 12:50pm

[lactatinggirl]

When DD (24 months) has a tandrum, I just calmly set her on the floor and tell her to let me know when she's done. I know that sounds weird, but it's what works for us. I stay in the same area as her and often go about whatever I was doing before. She doesn't like to be touched at all when she's upset, so I just let her be. Personally, I wouldn't call it CIO because I'm not ignoring her. She's not crying for hours. She's not being denied my attention when she wants it. Tantrums are just tantrums and you have to let them get it out of their system. 

[marinak1977]

My DS started tantruming around 11 months. I think of it as learning - he is learning to process his emotions and to deal with disappointment (both very important skills), and it makes the screaming a lot more bearable. I usually stay nearby and talk through his feelings to help him validate them. When he's done he usually wants to snuggle and nurse a little, and I am there for him.

[JohannaInDairyland]

We've been using Harvey Karp's "Happiest Toddler on the Block" and his "toddlerease" technique with quite a bit of success.  It also lets me feel like I can do something, and let Liam know that while I disagree with him, I do understand that he's upset.

[Baby_Cakes]

No no, not CIO!

Just my 2 cents, and what I'd do with DD in that situation, is put the bottle away.  Remove her and it from the equation, tell her "Mommy said no, enough crying (screaming), lets calm down."  And either leave the room or go inside, whatever the case may be.  It's TOUGH dealing with tantrums when they want something they really can't have and you're trying to get something done.  

[Honey693]

Originally Posted by lactatinggirl 

When DD (24 months) has a tandrum, I just calmly set her on the floor and tell her to let me know when she's done. I know that sounds weird, but it's what works for us. I stay in the same area as her and often go about whatever I was doing before. She doesn't like to be touched at all when she's upset, so I just let her be. Personally, I wouldn't call it CIO because I'm not ignoring her. She's not crying for hours. She's not being denied my attention when she wants it. Tantrums are just tantrums and you have to let them get it out of their system. 

This is what we do too.  I'll ask her if she needs  a hug every so often.  Sometimes it snaps her out of it, sometimes it makes it worse, but it makes me feel better.

[tracymom1]

Oh my goodness, if I gave DD everything she wanted when she has a tantrum I would be afraid to wake up in the morning!!  

Seriously, she has all-out crying fits for things that she absolutely cannot have (DH's tools, my shaving razor, kitchen knives, etc...) and I just calmly tell her that there are so many other wonderful things we can play with or explore and give her an option or two, and then tell her I will be happy to play whenever she is finished.  Sometimes it lasts 10 seconds, sometimes 10 minutes.  But I always make sure she is safe, knows if she needs me that I am here.  I try my best to redirect, but I do believe that sometimes toddlers really need to express their emotions through a good tantrum - it is how they learn so many things like what they can and cannot have, how to accept "defeat" and that throwing a fit is not how you go about communicating your wants.  It is an important part of the learning process - and for some kids, all it takes is one tantrum before they realize that it is not going to work (my DS was like this) and for others they may go on for a long time.  

CIO is when you let them cry even though they need comfort.  Protecting them from harm and letting them have a little fit because they didn't get what they wanted is in no way equal to that.