April running is not just for Fools! - The April Dingo Thread - Page 3

[kerc]

Real, Thanks for posting about what bike you do have, I'm shopping for exactly that kind of bike. Always helpful to know what others have.
 

Originally Posted by tjsmama 

I honestly don't know what else to do to try to impress upon him that *I'm* the boss, not him.

Just to play the devil's advocate, but do you have to be the boss? He is five and yes, you are in charge of his safety and well being. But he's also seeking to make decisions by himself and be heard. It sounds like he keeps telling you that:

Every argument/time-out/etc is punctuated by almost constant "MOMMY!" and "I'm trying to tell you something!", which is usually that a) he loves me b) he doesn't like me right now or c) that's not nice/I don't like it when you do that. I am so discouraged right now.

.My own, sweet, mellow, incredibly mellow 5 yr old went through a rough patch lately. She's just figuring out how to stand up for herself and to say no. I want her to learn those things, I want her to make decisions. But darn it, I don't want her to be a pain in the rear, kwim?  In contrast my oldest is a hard kid to parent. Here are some techniques/ideas I've learned from the trenches. Take them or leave them, in no particular order:

• choices.  "I'd like you to help me empty the dishwasher. Would you like to do the cups or the spoons?"
• acknowledging that you are hearing the kid, but remaining firm. "I can hear that you're really angry with me right now, but it is very important to me that you empty the dishwasher"
• knowing it is ok to back down sometimes - it doesn't make you a bad parent. "I'm going to leave these cups here for you to do later (on the counter that is)."  Then move on and when he asks for something, "hey, those cups are still here, we need those to be put where they belong."
• compromise. "It is kind of silly to fight over cups. can we put them away together and get out of the house?"
• recognizing when you do something that in hindsight you think is a little silly/stupid/whatever. "ds, last night we had that big fight and I locked my door. it wasn't cool. I was really frustrated with you and wanted to get my point across, but it really didn't help."  and then let it go.
• knowing that with a "stubborn" kid (I prefer the word persistent, better connotation), you make more progress by talking in a "sunny window" time. Meaning that it is three days later, you're having a nice breakfast and you bring up, "so remember that fight we had over the cup?  I was really frustrated because I wanted to get the job done quickly. "  you can ask if he has any ideas about how to make it smoother next time. Make this conversation quick, but to the point.

Book recommendations-

• Raising our children, raising ourselves
• raising your spirited child
• becoming the parent you want to be

Quote:

Originally Posted by JayGee 
Who here composts?  DH was interested in composting, but doesn't want to spend a ton of money on special containers or whatever. Any good DIY links for building a composter?  I hate throwing stuff away that could be good in the garden.

Me. But it's a heap, not a special container. And it is frozen about 3-4 months of the year. But you live in a neighborhood where the garages are not 50 years old, fed by an alley system and allowing for the heap to exist between the garage and the alley and no one sees it but the bears.t

http://digital.net/~gandalf/woodcb.htm
 

[Nickarolaberry]

Kerc, thanks for these suggestions. I use some of them sometimes but it's really good to have them laid out again. I feel like, especially when I'm tired, I lose the grip on all my 'peaceful parenting/communication' tools and end up yelling. Which I, and they, hate.

Gaye, I hear you. My oldest will argue with the paint on the wall and my youngest (5.5 yrs) has moments exactly like your little man. They are pushing boundaries. It's not that he doesn't respect your authority. It's that you're the one he feels safe enough to explore learning independence/advocating for himself with. And, he is separating himself from you and discovering that you and he are not actually the same person.

But it's not easy. Not at all.

The other parenting book I really like is Peaceful Parents, Peaceful Kids . It's out of print but you can probably get it through the library.

[JenLove]

I wrote this at like 11pm last night but didn't hit submit??

"I'm still up because with all the spring cleaning we did yesterday, I was totally ready for Treasure Map 2011.  V and I went out in the rain, snow, hail and whatever else it was doing this morning to gather supplies.  The New Moon always has me reeling - this one even more than usual.  I went through my magazines and have clippings ready.  I hope to start pasting on my board tomorrow and finishing it with other mama friends on Tuesday evening.  How are the other maps going so far?

Penelope ~ ((hugs))  I hope you are catching up on my rest.

ND ~ How was that party?!

Jo ~ If you ever need to fall back on renting your place... I know a nice young couple who would be interested in a year lease.  LOL :P"

Yoga Booty Ballet is on deck for today! :)

[tjsmama]

As always, wise dingo mamas.

In retrospect, it all seems so very silly, doesn't it? The funny thing is, jaygee, that is EXACTLY what HE wanted to do, but I guess I was being the stubborn one and wanting him to do it all himself. We do that frequently, actually, "you do this one and I'll do this one" but for some reason last night, I just put my foot down. I get SO frustrated when he won't do things that I ask him to do, and then it all escalates from there. In the grand scheme of things, is it all that important? Nope.

I ended up sleeping in his bed with him last night (another perk to the big boy bed!) and we got some good snuggles this morning. He has his lovey back, and all is right with the world. Until the next battle.

[poppywise]

I got back last night from a lovely trip to Charleston - had such a great time doing the bridge run with my girl Mel38!

I am telling you, she's back ladies! Her knee seems to be on the mend and I was definitely holding her back, but I am so glad we ran together. She was like a helium balloon tethered to my waist At any moment, I am sure she could have floated away and had a much better time than 1:09:18 but we had fun taking pics, and the whole way. It was almost exactly one year ago that I met up with her the first time in Germany - so cool we could meet up again and also run together, a race to boot!

I feel great, my legs feel good, although I am going to go back to the ART torture chamber this week. I do feel like it is going to help my ITBand situation in the long run, I just need to go through the painful part of getting rid of some built up scar tissue near my knee. Ouch.

Gaye - We've all been there

More personals later, I've got to get ready to go to work. Bummer.

[kerc]

Originally Posted by Nickarolaberry 
 They are pushing boundaries. It's not that he doesn't respect your authority. It's that you're the one he feels safe enough to explore learning independence/advocating for himself with. And, he is separating himself from you and discovering that you and he are not actually the same person.

Yes. This. Totally.  And know that life doesn't always look like one big giant fight. You go through phases that are easier and phases where they are emotionally growing (or not) that are harder. I find now that my bossy kid who wants to do it her way is actually pretty decent at directing clean up of their room.
 

Originally Posted by tjsmama 

In retrospect, it all seems so very silly, doesn't it? The funny thing is, jaygee, that is EXACTLY what HE wanted to do, but I guess I was being the stubborn one and wanting him to do it all himself. We do that frequently, actually, "you do this one and I'll do this one" but for some reason last night, I just put my foot down. I get SO frustrated when he won't do things that I ask him to do, and then it all escalates from there. In the grand scheme of things, is it all that important? Nope.

Some of the wisdom gleaned from a mucho older friend is the growth that happens with each of us in knowing when to back off. Sometimes I'm terrible at that.
 

Considering the 100 day challenge to eat real food. I'm afraid my 38 yo kid can't handle ww bread. If I were to remove the white flour entirely for 100 days he might move out. But I can compromise a bit and he'll compromise a bit and we'll make it all work.

My RP should totally be a Dingo. I'll mention it to her.....

[Mel38]

Originally Posted by poppywise 



I got back last night from a lovely trip to Charleston - had such a great time doing the bridge run with my girl Mel38!

You are already back home!? I can't believe how quickly the weekend went! I was just thinking I should swing by your brother's house and bring some "pig" t-shirts for your kids. And now I put it off for too long!!! And thank you again for that incredibly cute poodle bag!! I will post a pic on FB, it is an adorable print.

Jennifer - I had the.best.run.ever on Saturday. I never, ever run so easily, and that just put me on cloud 9 all day that day! Your presence does wonders for me and my running Of course, maybe it helped that I hadn't just run a half marathon a few days earlier, gotten up at 3 am Pacific time, jet lag, etc, right? Seriously, you did not hold me back one bit! I thought the pace was great, and that was like the shortest 6 miler I've ever done! Next time we meet up, it will be for a bloody mary somewhere with some sunshine, ok?

Also, I really hope that your knee continues to improve through the ART. It does sound like a hard commitment to make because of the discomfort involved, but definitely worth it in the long run if it can keep you running longer. It was great that you explained how all that works, because I could recommend it to a neighbor of mine who used to run a lot but doesn't any more because of her IT band.

Monday... back to work.

[bec]

Gaye - I really like JayGee's suggestion about doing thing with and trying to create a teamwork sort of spirit to things.  I also think that Lala's firm boundaries are a good idea as well.  I admit that my kids are not huge tantrumers, and are relatively compliant, but when we have had the occasional meltdown, taking some time either to reconnect with snuggling or to sit alone in their room to pull themselves together has helped. 

Real - I have a hybrid bike, and due to our tax situation, the road bike that was to be my birthday/Christmas present must be put on hold this year (yes, that means I officially got nothing for Christmas or birthday).  The women's tri I did last year had a bunch of bikes like the one you were riding, as well as hybrids and road bikes (some of them pretty fancy), so, given the wide range of abilities and competitiveness, I would say you are fine on your bike (unless you are looking for a good reason to buy a new bike, in which case I would tell you it is totally unacceptable! ).

RR: I, finally  found some running mojo, and due to weather and little kids, and school schedules, I had to run at the gym.  I switched off miles from the indoor track and the treadmill.  My hip was aching by the end as it was, from the only turning one way on the track (13 laps/mile), so it was a good thing I did half the miles on the treadmill!  Anyway, I got 10 miles done in a little under 2 hours, including walking to and from the treadmills), so I am very pleased!  I will try to do 11 next week.  This will give me a few weeks to maybe get in a 12 miler or two before the half. 

[1jooj]

Jealous of the meetup, poppy and Mel! In a good way, of course!

We had one heckuva night. I'd recently announced I was "done" with cleaning my kids rooms once every couple months, and the typical 8- to 9-hour production (per room!) it had become. Junk collectors!  Not hoarders, just careless and sloppy and falling back on the consistent, reliable reality that "Mom will do it." So anyway...fast forward to yesterday, and dh finally got to see for himself what holy heck they leave for me. Of course, his reaction was to be as angry at me for not cleaning behind them as he was at them for the messes in the first place. But I stood up for my position (which I stand by--it was time for a real, natural consequence) and reminded him that I'd put everyone on notice that I was done. The long and short--the house is truly, truly ready for treasure mapping , the kids cleaned their own rooms, the clutter is gone gone gone, dh is still grumpy, I really don't care, and I do feel a little more "heard" on the issue.

I suck at any kind of conflict, but I am learning.

RR: Did 30min on the arctrainer with some serious high intensity intervals (19 mets), then a few weight machines and some yoga to cool down and calm down. I'm out running errands now, and have to get back to check on the contractors who are working on the porch. More yoga this evening if I can make it happen.

Jennie, part of me wishes we could afford to hold onto the farm. I'm getting seriously wistful these days. If it becomes a possibility, I will be immediately in touch with you!

[Mel38]

Originally Posted by 1jooj 
 the kids cleaned their own rooms, the clutter is gone gone gone, dh is still grumpy, I really don't care, and I do feel a little more "heard" on the issue.

Yay Jo! Seriously, sometimes it's good to stop hiding the real problem by fixing everything. Arg, I see this in our future, too, as I am the only one who really cleans the little ones' room. They just pile things up.

[JayGee]

RR ~ 2300 yards in the pool.  Beforehand I had ART on my piriformis.  OW OW OWEEEEE!!!!  I actually had to make him stop so I could regroup myself before he finished working the entire length of the muscle.  But, it feels better now.

kerc ~ thank you for some great suggestions!  And what is this 100 day challenge to eat real food?  I restarted Clean Eating last week and could totally get on board with that kind of challenge.  Of course, my DH will protest as well.  No Oreos???  He'll never survive!!!

jo ~ my DH is kind of like that with cleaning stuff too.  He figures it's easier for me (or him) to do it for them and then they don't get so totally out of hand.  But then you end up with adult men like my dear sweet brother who expects his wife to pick up after him (after all, that's what my Mom did).  There is a balance there between kids doing everything and parents doing it all.  I'm still working on finding that balance.

It's cold and rainy here, but my pantry is empty so off to the commissary we go.

[Nickarolaberry]

Mamas, I need some help (medical related). Can you check out the yahoogroup if you have time?

[Realrellim]

tjsmama--my only advice is to ride it out and like kerc suggested, have a conversation with him sometime this week about what ideas he has so that it doesn't break down into all-out screaming next time. Also, fwiw, if I'm trying to explain something and R isn't listening, I try to abbreviate what I have to say to a short sentence and then listen to her (so long as she isn't screaming at me). Or, I'll tell her that I'll listen to her in a minute and I walk away.

DH tends to talk *at* her (read: long-winded never ending slowly-paced explanations of why what she did wasn't ok and why it resulted in this action and on and on and on) and it's horrible for her and anyone else stuck in the house. (Seriously--when he does that even I get frustrated, in the dude-shut-up-already kind of way.) R does better either with time just to calm down (even if she spends it shrieking at the top of her lungs) and my or DH's explanations can wait, usually for a few days when necessary.

He probably is testing limits, which is (unfortunately) normal. We still have them here on a fairly regular basis. Stay strong, be consistent and it will pass. Also, treat yourself because it is completely exhausting to deal with that. (We've had several in the past month, sometimes daily...ugh!)

bec--awesome workout!

Jo & JayGee--my mom never cleaned up after us, so I too struggle here with expecting R to always clean up after herself and my own desire to just clean it up to have it done after I've asked eleventybillion times and am tired of fighting.

Thanks for the bike & triathlon advice. I love my bike and don't see a newer bike in the cards. Maybe when J is in school, or if I manage to pull in a little more income (if state employees ever see a raise again, which hasn't happened for a few years and isn't likely soon).
Edited by Realrellim - 4/4/11 at 6:25pm

[JayGee]

Real ~ my DH does the exact same long-winded lecturing!  And my reaction is the exact same "Dude, just shut up already!" 

Poppy and Mel38 ~ great job on the bridge run and for Dingo meetups!!!

I'm headed out for a short run and a swim this morning after the kids are off to school.

[babybugmama]

My theory is if you can't say it in 10 words, they tuned you out long ago!

Okay, so now I need some advice.  My dd has always been intense, wear her heart on her sleeve, kinda gal.  But lately she's getting so snotty and mean with her frustration. I feel like she's constantly yelling at ds, being really rude and mean to me and her dad and I can't seem to get her to stop or at least recognize how much she's hurting us.  I actually asked her this morning how many times she thought she'd hurt my feelings...when she couldn't answer I asked her, how many times she'd yelled at ds (unprovoked), me, been snotty or mean to us, or given us venomous looks...her eyes widened.  It's almost non-stop these days. I know that wasn't the best way to handle it, but it was the best I could do after being worn down for months on this.  Help?

Nic - I checked out the yahoo, but I don't have words of wisdome - I hope some ideas suggested are helpful. Hugs to you.

Jo - nicely done! Really really nicely done, good for you!

[kerc]

Originally Posted by babybugmama 

Okay, so now I need some advice.  My dd has always been intense, wear her heart on her sleeve, kinda gal.  But lately she's getting so snotty and mean with her frustration. I feel like she's constantly yelling at ds, being really rude and mean to me and her dad and I can't seem to get her to stop or at least recognize how much she's hurting us.  I actually asked her this morning how many times she thought she'd hurt my feelings...when she couldn't answer I asked her, how many times she'd yelled at ds (unprovoked), me, been snotty or mean to us, or given us venomous looks...her eyes widened.  It's almost non-stop these days. I know that wasn't the best way to handle it, but it was the best I could do after being worn down for months on this.  Help?

We really do have similar children.....we recently had a sit-down talk. And I stopped letting it roll off my shoulder and just every.single.time she did something (eye rolling, tongue out, nasty words, etc.) I said, "That is the kind of thing I'm talking about." We put a carrot out in front (she can't attend science night -- I would hire a sitter to take Leah and dh would stay home and ensure that dd1 got to bed before 7. I also spent some time (different "sunny window") talking about how I don't think she's mean, rather it is a habitual way of responding. I agreed I (we) would remind her and we are sure she can get back into a nice groove. We're on day 4. Science Night is friday and so far I'm inclined to bring her.

[Geofizz]

Originally Posted by babybugmama 

Okay, so now I need some advice.  My dd has always been intense, wear her heart on her sleeve, kinda gal.  But lately she's getting so snotty and mean with her frustration. I feel like she's constantly yelling at ds, being really rude and mean to me and her dad and I can't seem to get her to stop or at least recognize how much she's hurting us.  I actually asked her this morning how many times she thought she'd hurt my feelings...when she couldn't answer I asked her, how many times she'd yelled at ds (unprovoked), me, been snotty or mean to us, or given us venomous looks...her eyes widened.  It's almost non-stop these days. I know that wasn't the best way to handle it, but it was the best I could do after being worn down for months on this.  Help?

Hmmmm.  When I was in 4th grade, my classroom had a  "good feelings" jar (I don't recall exactly what it was called), where the teacher put a bean in when she heard positive & supportive comments amongst kids, and took one out for what she called "put downs."  She wouldn't really make a big deal of it after the first few days, but you'd hear a "you stink" from one side of the room, and everyone would turn to see the teacher drawing out a bean.  We then had something like a fun activity when the jar was full or something.  I wonder if you could implement something like that.  The trick I think is to make a distinction between comments meant to be hurtful and honest expressions of emotion.  At the same time, there was a focus on being supportive of other people in your environment.   It's ok to be emotional, get frustrated, struggle with a younger brother.  It's not ok to take it out on someone.

Dunno, maybe there's something to munch on there.  We're dealing with some of the same issues in our house, just with lower intensity.

heh.  Cross posted -- my chair came in to talk to me as I was writing this...

[babybugmama]

I've tried what you suggested Kerc and it worked for a while.  But then it stopped. Her thoughts behind this morning were that she wanted to get through school quickly.  Hmmm...way to accomplish that when you're so nasty you have to get sent to your room.  School still happens, but it's delayed then. How convenient.

I like your idea Geo about a positive jar.  That's a great idea for both.

I agree about the emotions are good, fine in fact....it's what you do with them and what she's doing with them is causing lasting pain.

[kerc]

Originally Posted by babybugmama 

I've tried what you suggested Kerc and it worked for a while.  But then it stopped. Her thoughts behind this morning were that she wanted to get through school quickly.  Hmmm...way to accomplish that when you're so nasty you have to get sent to your room.  School still happens, but it's delayed then. How convenient.

I like your idea Geo about a positive jar.  That's a great idea for both.

Yes, indeed. Thing is these learning children need a constant reminder. When it stops working at our house that's when we have a sit-down and when we begin to recognize good behavior more frequently. I feel like she needs to be in the habit or not being mean/nasty (which brings me all sorts of doubts about myself as a parent and her as a person that I dont' really need to get into here). But the jar is fabulous, in part because both kids can contribute. I'd also encourage my kids to catch me being nice to someone else -- I would like to see Leah or Erin recognize that I held the door for the guy with crutches or something and comment on it. That means they are watching me and learning from me (which of course we know they do, but sometimes we forget).

Ya'll I feel like garbage today. Please send get well vibes: go away cold, cough, aches.

[babybugmama]

It'd be cool if they would reward us for our good behavior too, but I could totally see N saying well when you told me I couldn't do x,y, or z you were nasty and want to take a bean out.  I agree that it really makes me wonder about myself as a person...is *that* what I'm modeling?! I really don't think so.  I think she's gotten into bad habits of when she is either out of sorts or bored wanting to share the wealth.  And I think it's her way of managing stress with school.  

I hope you feel better Kerc :hug