I think I will just try a random what's up message....although one last question...POF where I found his profile, or FB? I feel like POF would be a little more direct...like " guess what, I caught you! I know you're actually looking to start dating again!" grrr....here I am saying I'm all in a place where I wouldn't waste any mental anguish and I'm trying to decide what to write in a silly message and on what site. Maybe I've already fallen into old patterns!
April! - We'll Be Fools No More! - Savvy Dating Thread! - Page 2
Neighborhood Guy (NG) = Too young
Last Resort Guy from OKC (LRG) = I backed out on meeting him; I wasn't in the mood to put effort into it when he seems just passable; I told him I will let him know if I feel like trying some other time
Guy who I Previously Dumped to Go Back to the Psycho (GPDGBP) = Meeting him for a drink tomorrow
Nobody Else on the Horizon (NEH) = Well, that's it; no other options besides these three
I like GPDGBP a lot and I'm hoping that he would still like to be with me and is just being very cautious, but I feel like it would be invasive to try to discuss it right now. I hung out with him and had a blast about 6 weeks ago. I'm sure I will have fun again tomorrow and that is enough for now.
mimim & Learning Mum - having fun is a LOT! No consolation prize there, especially for those of us who struggled out of a horrible marriage and have a lot to heal from.
monkey'smom - definitely send him a facebook message along the lines of "hey, what's up; wanna hang out again?" Why not. You'll lose zero face.
Rubelin - being clear on what you are looking for is awesome. You're ahead of the game right there. Give things more of a chance and meet some people before judging too much. Or at least exchange phone calls with anyone who seems like a maybe and give things a shot that way.
Mama Jen - soooo nice to see one of us in boyfriend bliss i.e. cloud9. Gives all of us hope. And that IS a great online dating story.
Hillymum - C sounds great! Keep us posted!
Moochie Mama - you are hilarious, I love your withdrawal of benefits plan.
Phoenix Mama - I love the guitars thing.
Cool as a Cucumber has a home music recording studio and a zilllion guitars and other instruments and my BFF just told me to get the boys to bond with him I should have them over there and have him give them a little music lesson, perhaps one on one while I am doing something with the other. They'd probably love it and since he is a little awkward with kids having had zero experience around them thusfar, it would be his comfort zone/his territory and perhaps he would get over the awkwardness and bond better. I've been frustrated with how little time he has spent with them, but then again I only have them 1/3 ( ) of the time anyway, and this dude works like 10-12 hours per day AND has a band. So time the two of us is already too little for both of our likings so of course he hasn't hung out with the boys much. He tries to schedule his weekend-away-things with this band on during times when I am home with the kids anyway and wouldn't be missing out on time together the two of us.
Yes, I am not exactly happy. I am a mama hen type and I want to settle down to roost and get married again and have more babies before I get too far away from my 30th birthday that passed by me. Suddenly my plans to have plenty of kids real young seems hilarious the way things worked out, as I've been single for 3 years now and I'm not longer real young, as I felt I was when I first divorced and was still in my twenties. And this guy has not breathed a word of seriousness, love, commitment, plans, marriage, children. I cannot blindly assume that he is thinking of those things and that this relationship will head there. I can hope, but not expect. So I am scared that this is all building up for heartache and disappointment so how can I relax and be happy when I am a bit scared that he'll uninentionally hurt me and waste precious time where I'd like to find 'the one' at as young an age as possible to still have the option of 2 or even 3 more kids if things go that way. I've always always wanted a big family ....and I don't like the idea of babies much past 35. Definitely not at 40, it's just not for me. He is 34 and has mentioned being basically ready for those things, and wanting to get on with it while his parents are still young. But I know that the decision to blend his life with a mom & two kids will be one he would not take lightly and I am certain that he is going to take his sweet time before even hinting at going in that direction because he woudl want to be 100% sure and feeling 10000% certain about it.
I said I am not happy and that is not exactly true. He is my best friend these last 8-9 months and his actions speak volumes about his dedication to me and how much I mean to him. When I am around him my little voice screams in my ear to relax and not worry because the ingredients that are obviously present in this relationship plus my insanely strong gut feeling that he is worth investing time into, not rushing, being patient with, trusting, believing in, all alleviates my worries and fear and I am just happy. When I am with him. Then as soon as we are not together, the fears crop up because his face, his smile, his embrace, and his scent aren't in my face to wipe away those fears.
Does that make any sense?
Edited by JohnnysGirl - 4/7/11 at 9:52am
Meh. It's not very hard to find someone willing to help you out with physical needs. It's also pretty easy to take care of that alone. I vote for not settling for someone who doesn't deserve the benefits you will share with them.
Butterflymom... I do think it is highly possible to have a good guy and good mix of ingredients, and him sill not be "the one", you know what I mean? This guy just seems commitment phobic from the way you describe him.
My best friend is a male I dated ages ago... same scenario. He had/has the right ingredient, but he couldn't always be there for me emotionally and has huge commitment issues, so whenever things would come up that required a little more serious commitment, like caring for me during a wicked fibro flare, he'd get really uncomfortable. He loves me and cares about me... and we both get a long great, but romantically, we were just on different pages as far as really meshing in a truly commited romantic relationship. He is still my best friend though... and perhaps your dear Cucumber is like that?
I never wanted to feel like I was settling again in my life. And I think if Cucumber was really "the one" After 9 months... I don't know, I just think you'd have a stronger vibe/meshing going on for future plans? Maybe I'm an odd ball in that thought though because my time okay line seems slightly scewed from others. lol
But I will say that I spent about 3 years of my life waiting and thinking that my best friend would one day "grow up" and be able to really commit to something serious too since we were "perfect" for each other in so many other levels. It really turned out that he was just a best friend and just did not fit into what I wanted out of a romantic partner.
So I guess that is the question... what are your expectations for a romantic partner? It seems that you'd be happier with someone who was a bit more kid comfy and able to find something to bond with your kids on, on their own. It would definitley irk me if I had to prod a relationship along with my SO and my kids. I'm so happy that SO took the initiative and wanted to find a way to bond with my kids in his own way. That was very telling to me, and definitely told me that he accepted me and my whole package deal and that he really is looking to commit to a whole family, as that is what I am. kwim?
Speaking of fantastic awesome Tech Guy. :D He so made me melt last night. He had his band practice last night and he had the guys play a song for me as he recorded it and sent it to me on my phone. *melt and love*
Yeah, what she said!
If Cucumber and his band did that, I'd think he had gone clinically insane and be freaked out, it would be that out of character.
You are so lucky!!! Yay!!!
Phoenix Mama, that is so awesome! That stuff makes me melt (and I've always dated musicians until now prob for that reason!)
Butterflymom, I have to say, that except for the 'dating for 9 months' bit, I could have almost written your post (the long one). I feel so 'right' about LCG, but he is not, clearly not, ready to start meshing into a life with the mom-and-kid package. I also hear you on the wanting to settle down and have mroe kids bit - I dont' want lots, but I would like one more before I am 35, and I'm now 31, and wouldnt want to rush into kids with someone - so if LCG and I dont work out, I have to then meet another person, and so on...
After we were apart for a month recently due to travel, we got onto SUCH a good level when we reunited, it was amazing and I felt much more openness and honesty from him...then on Wed, my ex cancelled taking our son on a night that LCG regularly comes down to s pend the night with me, and he got on the next train back (he comes down in the late afternoon and works in a cafe until I have dropped DS off at his dads, then we meet for dinner and dance class etc). I wish, I really wished, he had just said 'Can I stay anyway, and we can just hang out after DS goes to bed?' He claims he didn't because I didn't ask him to, I didn't invite him, and says he's not a mindreader, but I was doing my whole 'protect myself' thing and saying 'You can go home on the next train if you want to,' because I was afraid to ask for what i wanted, since i was sure he'd say no, and it's painful for me to hear no. We haven't spoken since Thursday when we had a chat about this stuff amongst other things. I told him he needs to know DS comes first, and he said, 'I know that, I know that,' quite defensively, but I think its hard for non-parents to really understand.
He has been saying 'I adore you' a couple of times, but still not 'I love you', somehow there is a difference - or maybe there isn't, I don't know! He is ultra busy and overwhelmed and stressed again in his life and work and doesn't really have space for us. My son was very ill on Friday (asthma attack, had to take him to hospital), I told him via email (he'd emailed me about something else) and he was pretty perfunctory, 'sorry to hear that', and hasn't asked how he is since then. Bleahh. I'm just hooked on him, unfortunately. I really am. Things were looking so good before Wednesday... this is the thing, we keep really connecting and having an amazing time (and not just sex, really connecting on all levels), and then as soon as it starts feeling more committed, I think we hit a roadblock b/c of his fear of commitment. I told him he doesn't talk much about his 'issues' and he said, his issues are all about love and relationships, so how can he talk to me about them? I think he could, just a little bit (he says he talks to his friends about it/me). It would help me if I had just an inkling of what's going on with him, but I've long since stopped asking 'relationship-y' questions of him. Makes me feel far too vulnerable.
I think if you wanted thim to stay you should have asked. It may hurt to hear no sometimes, but then at least you know and you can move on from there and make decisions with that knowledge. I don't think it's really fair to be mad/upset with him when you told him to get on the next train.
Especially with a kid involved, a good guy will wait for your call on anything dealing with the kid because they don't want to cross any boundaries.
Thanks, Phoenix Mama and Mimim. You're right - and I think what he did was pretty respectful... in terms of DS. I am learning how to ask for what I want, it is hard. I think my defences have just been up (in terms of feeling i need to protect myself) since he told me he wanted to take it slow (right at the beginning), I don't know, ever since then I feel like I can't let myself really go into this relationship, and let myself fall in love, even though I often feel that I am already. I feel tons better after we chatted last night and the vibe was all good, he is coming down tomorrow night etc. As for the adoring vs loving thing...yep, pretty much what I thought :(
Phoenix Mama, you have a point. A big part of me is saying that we are actually both on the same page but just too scared to say it... the last couple times I saw him or spoke to him, I felt that... and both times he's said 'I adore you', he said it in a really shy way, with his back to me - one time just as I was falling asleep! Maybe he was afraid to say it to my face. I would like to try letting go more internally and see what happens, just allowing myself to feel what i feel. After all, if I get hurt, it doesnt work out, whatever, I'm already invested enough for it to really suck, so this self protection thing is a bit pointless really. .
Mimim, how did your date with the Guy You Previously Dumped go??
I've just been reading a book called 'The Four Man Plan' which is quite interesting (though not too relevant to me right now since Im not single), about dating at least 4 men at once (with them all knowing that they're not the only one) and how it works to bring you closer to The One. Interesting... I've only managed to date two guys at once a couple times when I was 18-21 though, and that didn't work out too well for me!
Not well. He's drama. I'm done with drama and therefore done with him. I don't even want to talk about it. I've heard of the four man plan book before, but I really would rather not have a "plan" and I definitely would prefer to date just one man. If I have sex with only one more person in my life, I will be most satisfied.
We do need to give your guy points for not being angry that your evening was changed so dramatically by the addition of your son in the mix. I know that I much prefer men to wait for me to initiate contact between them and my kids. You seem so unsure of him though and that's not a comfortable place to be. Is it possible for the two of you to have a "where is this going" talk to clear the air or something???
monkey'smom - did you get in touch with him? What happened?
I have 2 guys I want to meet on OkC:
Concert Ticket Guy - funny, possibly very cute, is holding a mess of pairs of tickets - including for Arcade Fire, who is high on my favorites list. I'm afraid that he might be really annoying in person. Why else would he have have so many tickets and no one to give them to??? Anyway, I'm gonna make plans to meet up with him in the next few days to find out.
Political Writer Guy - This guy said he's a writer. I asked him if he'd tell me his book titles. So he told me. O.M.G. He writes about conservative political icons from a leftist perspective. His books both have NYT book reviews (one by Bill Kristol!!! And it's begrudgingly favorable!!) and one was a NYT notable book. He's written for The New Republic and The Nation and etc, etc, etc. Wow. Wow. Definitely, definitely, definitely, definitely want to meet this one for sure. If nothing else, he is good for a few conversations with about politics, which is my favorite thing to talk about, especially far left politics.
Mimim, I have to say I'd be sorely tempted by the concert ticket guy b/c I LOVE Arcade Fire too - saw them live for the first time recently. That aside, the Political Writer Guy - hhmm, a really intelligent guy, and a writer as well, can be such a turn-on...hopefully there is chemistry too! With the drama stuff with Guy you Previously Dumped...yes, so much better to recognise it early and get out.
The 4 man plan, yep, I'm a one woman man myself, but I thought it was an interesting way to put yourself in a position where you don't obsess about one particular
guy. I figure there must be another way to do that though without having to juggle men!
I did thank LCG for being so cool about the fact that our evening was called off...I told him I appreciated that he wasn't mad, because I would have been unsurprised if he had been. So yes, I do give him points for that ;) I don't think a 'where is this going' talk is a good idea with LCG, at least if you mean asking him where he sees us going.. every time I've said stuff like that I've seriously regretted it b/c it just made him close down and I never got a satisfactory answer. A lot of stuff I've been reading about dating lately (written from a man's point of view) says that asking 'where is this going?' questions are a serious red flag to men and puts them off... which is SO not what my feminist brain wants to hear, but does seem to correspond more with reality than I'd like. I am however thinking more along the lines of saying 'I'm enjoying what we have together, but you know that I'm looking for a serious relationship, and I wondered if we could look at our relationship in 2 months' time and see where we're at with it, whether we want something more serious with each other.' What do you ladies think?? He has said he is serious about me, but I don't think I will feel secure until I hear the words 'I love you' ...ridiculous, I often think, since they're only words, but to me they signify a certain level of commitment.
Edited by Devaya - 4/13/11 at 11:47am