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April! - We'll Be Fools No More! - Savvy Dating Thread! - Page 3

post #41 of 72
Quote:
Originally Posted by Devaya View Post What do you ladies think?? He has said he is serious about me, but I don't think I will feel secure until I hear the words 'I love you' ...ridiculous, I often think, since they're only words, but to me they signify a certain level of commitment.


I forget...how long have you been dating?

post #42 of 72

Devaya, if attempting a conversation about what you each want out of a relationship and if this relationship fills those desires makes him run away, then he isn't the man you are looking for. If you are ok with spending time waiting for him to choose you or leave, then keep hanging around, but I am personally not interested in relationships that I know have no future.

 

You should check out the videos for the 4-man plan (linked on their website, I think) I also don't date multiple men at a time (and your kids count as at least one "man"), but I thought her ideas behind it were really great and I found that it opened up my ideas about dating in really good ways.

 

 

post #43 of 72

I was having a conversation last night with the Incredibly Nice Guy and the word "marriage" came up for the first time. We were talking about out philosophies about money and personal finance, and he was telling me about some of the issues he and his ex-wife had stemming from their different approaches to money. I mentioned that I'm slightly terrified of totally joining my finances with someone else. And he said, "Well, if we got married, we could set it up to where we both kept separate accounts and put money into one shared pool." And we both just carried on with the conversation, and I squealed inside like a little schoolgirl.

It's funny, because writing it out, it doesn't sound hugely romantic. We were having the very practical conversation about money, which is a totally unromantic topic. But I just love the way that we're both approaching our relationship, and taking it seriously, and having these very natural and unforced conversations about how we want our life together to be. We've talked about a ton of stuff, just as it comes up, things like how we'd both prioritize living in a smaller house close to the city center rather than a bigger house in the suburbs, or how we feel like it's really important for us to both maintain our own passions and hobbies and support each other in that, and how we both want kids (another for me, a first for him, and we had a long talk on the second date about how we both strongly think homebirth is the way to go), and how we wouldn't want to spend a ton of money on material things but would want to prioritize travel.

Which reminds me, last night we also started planning a vacation to Mexico in July. (I'm almost positive that my ex and his new wife would love to take DS for a week or so this summer). We've talked about it in general terms before, but last night we really started planning, looking at flights and maps. I'm so excited by the thought of traveling and exploring the world with him.

I'm feeling really in love with him, and he's showing me in a zillion ways that he's really in love with me. And it feels so right in my heart, and in my head as well. It's only been six months and we still have a lot of getting to know each other left to do, but I know that I want to marry him.

post #44 of 72
Thread Starter 

MamaJen, I'm so happy for you!

 

 

Speaking of international travel, I'm heading out in 3 days for an international trip with Cucumber + parents + brother&sister-in-law!  I hope it goes well and that it makes me feel a bit more clear about the relationship.

post #45 of 72
MamaJen! So exciting! I think discussing how to make you feel comfortable with finances is really romantic!!
post #46 of 72
Quote:
Originally Posted by bananabee View Post





I forget...how long have you been dating?


Four months, but its long distance.

 



Quote:
Originally Posted by rubelin View Post

Devaya, if attempting a conversation about what you each want out of a relationship and if this relationship fills those desires makes him run away, then he isn't the man you are looking for. If you are ok with spending time waiting for him to choose you or leave, then keep hanging around, but I am personally not interested in relationships that I know have no future.

 

You should check out the videos for the 4-man plan (linked on their website, I think) I also don't date multiple men at a time (and your kids count as at least one "man"), but I thought her ideas behind it were really great and I found that it opened up my ideas about dating in really good ways.

 

 


Thanks Rubelin. I'll check it out (the 4 man plan website). No I'm not happy with just hanging around waiting for him to choose me or not - I'm just as much figuring out if HE is the One, as he is figuring out if I am, if you know what I mean... and I think since he said from the start that he wanted to take it slow, and thought relationships getting 'serious' after only 3 months was ridiculous, I feel like it's not unreasonable to wait a couple more months. WHich is why I wanted to say something along the lines of, "let's look at this in 2 months and see whether we want a future together, if not I'm going to move on.' I sort of feel like I don't want to rush him, but just let things unfold...at the same time I need to  be assertive about my needs and desires. I think I just need to find the right way of doing it...this conversation, that is. Does anyone have any good experience with this? If you're in a currently successful relationship, did the guy bring up wanting more commitment/future planning or did you? I want to find a way of making it a mutual discussion, and avoid making him feel pressured. He is going thru a hectic time right now with tons of work commitments and his mother is dying - so he is driving up the country to see her once a week, and dealing with lots of responsibilities in relation to her care...so this contributes to my hesitation re bringing up the future right now. In my past experience, and in the dating stuff I've been reading, it only seems to work if the GUY is the one who approaches you wanting more commitment... it seems they need to see it as THEIR idea. I had a boyfriend before who i was just crazy about but I was always the one who took things to the next level - and although he loved me, he never really stepped up to the mark, and I eventually left. Whereas DS's dad, for example, wanted me to move in within a couple months (I didn't until much later though) and was saying I love you after a month... he turned out to be an alcoholic though, so perhaps not a good benchmark!

 


Edited by Devaya - 4/15/11 at 12:20am
post #47 of 72
Quote:
Originally Posted by *MamaJen* View Post

I was having a conversation last night with the Incredibly Nice Guy and the word "marriage" came up for the first time. We were talking about out philosophies about money and personal finance, and he was telling me about some of the issues he and his ex-wife had stemming from their different approaches to money. I mentioned that I'm slightly terrified of totally joining my finances with someone else. And he said, "Well, if we got married, we could set it up to where we both kept separate accounts and put money into one shared pool." And we both just carried on with the conversation, and I squealed inside like a little schoolgirl.

It's funny, because writing it out, it doesn't sound hugely romantic. We were having the very practical conversation about money, which is a totally unromantic topic. But I just love the way that we're both approaching our relationship, and taking it seriously, and having these very natural and unforced conversations about how we want our life together to be. We've talked about a ton of stuff, just as it comes up, things like how we'd both prioritize living in a smaller house close to the city center rather than a bigger house in the suburbs, or how we feel like it's really important for us to both maintain our own passions and hobbies and support each other in that, and how we both want kids (another for me, a first for him, and we had a long talk on the second date about how we both strongly think homebirth is the way to go), and how we wouldn't want to spend a ton of money on material things but would want to prioritize travel.

Which reminds me, last night we also started planning a vacation to Mexico in July. (I'm almost positive that my ex and his new wife would love to take DS for a week or so this summer). We've talked about it in general terms before, but last night we really started planning, looking at flights and maps. I'm so excited by the thought of traveling and exploring the world with him.

I'm feeling really in love with him, and he's showing me in a zillion ways that he's really in love with me. And it feels so right in my heart, and in my head as well. It's only been six months and we still have a lot of getting to know each other left to do, but I know that I want to marry him.


MamaJen, I'm so happy for you - that is so awesome to have that completely 'right' feeling,and to be planning things together that you have dreamed of! And the finances stuff, very cool, and so important to bring up before you are living together etc - it's supposed to be one of the main causes of relationship conflict after all.

 



Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterflymom View Post

MamaJen, I'm so happy for you!

 

 

Speaking of international travel, I'm heading out in 3 days for an international trip with Cucumber + parents + brother&sister-in-law!  I hope it goes well and that it makes me feel a bit more clear about the relationship.


Cool - hope you get the clarity you need. The combo with parents and other family should be revealing too!

 

post #48 of 72

honestly, I don't know how it is to have those conversations 'cause I've never been with a man who did want a long term relationship with me without being able to clearly state that from the start. The only relationships I've had where there was any question about where we were headed after the first month or 2 only lasted a short time because they weren't into it (or, with my HS sweetheart, it was on/off for years before I finally got off that merry-go-round - he's been an addict for at least 20 years and it never would have worked even though we still care for each other) With DX, we knew immediately that we would marry and my ex-bf after that was pretty much all-in from the start, though he didn't end up being a good fit for my life.

 

I do see how dealing with his mother's illness could be a big factor right now, but I'd still find a way to gently broach the subject somehow.

 

Had a really strange experience on OKC tonight. I posted a "journal" entry with my soulmate wish list and some guy sent me a nasty note telling me I'm "Yet another List Lady who things men aren't real people, but accessories you can buy like purses." and then he posted about it on his own journal saying I "put a big long laundry list of unrealistic traits you MUST have to be her "soulmate"?"  Totally wretched, since I don't think he even read the list, as I can't see what part of it could possibly be unrealistic, unless it's simply unrealistic that I'll find someone who loves me and my kids and loves living the life that we live. I know lots of guys with most of the traits on my list, they just happen to be married to other people or are otherwise not available (so the items that specifically say that my soulmate is a good fit for me don't count for them) 

post #49 of 72

MamaJen ~ Your whole post makes me grin!!!  I am so incredibly happy for you!!!   It also makes me giddy, because BF and I have the same conversations.  We talked about the same thing, keeping our own accounts, and one day opening a joint account for us to add money into, but us still maintaining our own funds as well.  We also fully support each others passions.  I go to his things and he comes to mine and we both enjoy being there for each other.  We haven't gone too in depth with the children thing, other than our only options to have more kids would either be surrogacy or adoption, and we both lean more towards adoption, but we are both just very happy with my two littles right now and for the forseeable future.  It really is an awesome awesome feeling and experience to be with someone that you can have actual conversations with and who is geuninely as into you as you are into them.  :D

 

 

ButterflyMom ~  Wow!  Good luck with your trip!  Hope you and Cucumber have an awesome time!

 

 

Rubelin ~ Eww!  What a creep!!!  He obviously has no life and is a total UAV!  I don't think having a list is unrealistic, it's practical!  Shows you aren't going to settle and that's the way it should be.  He was obviously an immature... again, UAV.  lol  Everyone, man and woman alike, should know exactly what their deal breakers are and exactly what they want to get out of a relationship. 

 

 

Devaya ~ I'm not sure about the conversation either... All my relationships sort of evolved on their own.  The one I'm in now, we just both were totally into each other from the start.  We were so blown away by all the things we had in common and how easy it was for us to talk to one another openly, and just be ourselves.

 

Honestly, for myself, what you are describing... I couldn't deal with.  I think that book or whatever that mentioned you can't talk to a guy about the future of a relationship though, is a load of BS.  Maybe a lot of guys are that way... but there are guys who aren't and who are looking for a healthy relationship... and honestly, to me... being able to talk about your needs/wants/desires and how the relationship is at meeting those for BOTH people is really a key element to a relationship.  Every person is different though... but for me... yeah, I needed someone I could talk openly with and not have to bang my head against a wall wondering when I should or shouldn't bring something up.  I think it should just be natural to talk to your significant other.

post #50 of 72

Rubelin and Phoenix Mama, thanks for the advice. Rubelin, I'm sorry to hear about that guy being mean on OK Cupid - that is so childish... the gist of your list sounds entirely realistic to me, and why not reach for the best possible? I am working on a new list because as of last night, I am single again. I finally told LCG my truth, and what I needed to feel secure, and he admitted that he is not in love with me and doesn't see a future with me. It was really, really heartbreaking hearing that, and I'm having trouble letting go completely, but I now know that once again I've ignored signals all along the way because I didn't want to see them - I really wanted it to work and I was having such a good time with him. I can see some of my patterns SO painfully clearly now - all he did was play into them. I do think he was manipulative in lots of ways, whether consciously or unconsciously, telling me what he knew I wanted to hear and not being open and honest with me. He could have told me a lot earlier that he didn't see us going anywhere, because I'd been clear at the outset that I wanted to settle down with someone - he said I should have asked, when I expressed this to him, but I said every time I tried to talk about the relationship he just repeated 'I want to take things slow' and shut the conversation down, and I'd given up after a while. I guess I thought it would grow and he would develop the kind of feelings i was having for him. Guess not.

 

LCG said that he didn't want to break up, he was enjoying things as they were, but I said I couldn't continue because I want committment and couldnt be with someone who didn't love me. We did however (after I'd taken a bit of time away to be alone and debrief to a friend) spend some time together over the next night and day since I was staying at his place in another city, and to be honest I found it difficult to just walk away completely when things still in so many ways felt good between us. We talked a lot about our relationship and what had been going on for us, I cried a lot, and he said I could have communicated a lot more and been more direct - he said I was always very 'chilled' about everything. (there's me being a people pleaser and hiding my true feelings for fear of driving a man away - bullshit!). He is also very upset about the end of it all and wants to be friends, even friends with  benefits, but needless to say the benefits part would only break my heart so tempting as it is (since our physical connection was so very good), I have to stay away from that. He is a charmer, he knows the right things to say, and I wish I had listened more to his relationship history (55 and never been married, walked away from the only proper commitment - engagement - that he had) and not just heard what I wanted to hear. I think I have been sucked in because I so much wanted the intimacy and connection.

 

I have a nurturing couple of weekends planned, a women's camp next weekend with a very good friend, and a holistic camping festival the following weekend... so am hoping this wil help to heal my heart. I know I have a lot of work to do on (a) starting to learn to listen to my gut that tells me when guys aren't right for me - my gut was screaming at me all the time, and (b) starting to believe I deserve to have the relationship of my dreams. Back to the drawing board! But probably a break from dating for a little while would be good for me. Sigh.

post #51 of 72

oh, Devaya, I'm so sorry that you're hurting. I hope you can forgive yourself for hanging onto the relationship and see it for the gifts it gave you. You weren't rejected, it was just not the right fit and you clearly have learned so much about yourself that you will never forget again winky.gif

 

eh, I'm over the mean guy on OKC. It did piss me off unbelievably but it made me think a lot and I did change my public list a bit because I really am not looking for a man to be an "accessory" and I want to make sure my profile doesn't give any hint of that. I'm honestly not sure why I even keep a dating profile up, since I have a strong feeling that the right guy will drop into my life when I least suspect it - so I just have to stop suspecting it redface.gif I really do miss having man energy around and it almost makes me want to break down and lower my standards for some short-term lovin' but I'm so over having half-way connections, it's just not worth it anymore - Maybe if I was still in my 20's or early 30's but I'm too old for that crap now, lol!

 

 I did get a sassy new haircut this week that my friends are raving about and saying how cute and sexy it is, so I'm gonna go glam up and take my new 'do out for some grocery shopping blowkiss.gif

post #52 of 72

I haven't been on in a long time.  But I did a bunch of catching up on the dating thread last month and I just caught up on this month and I think I'd like to join in now.

1st of all, Devaya... I can SO relate to a lot of what I just read about your relationship with LCG.  I have been in a similar place, over a much longer period of time.  I am SO impressed at how you handled it.  It sounds like you were open and honest about your feelings, your needs, your desires.  I am so so sorry that you are heartbroken now, I feel your pain.  But you are a strong, amazing woman and you deserve a man who wants to really be a part of your life and share his own with you.  Even though it hurts, now you KNOW.  I did it for 3 years before I knew.

 

So... I dated a man, J, for almost 3 years.  He could never fully commit.  Never said I love you.  It's a long story.  In any case, we broke up for good in July.  Saw each other in November to hash some things out.  I think, for me, that was the real ending.  It was all very very painful.  He is not a bad person, not at all. But he has his baggage.  And I ended up very very hurt.  I have never in my life felt the kind of connection I had with him with anybody.  We actually broke up a couple of times during that 3 years, and I went on a few dates here and there.  I was never able to get excited about anyone else.

 

In January I went out on a date with J's good friend, P.  P initiated, slowly, by starting to email this fall and then calling and we finally went out in Jan.  He had asked J if he felt ok about him (P) asking me out.  At 1st, I didn't really think it was a date.  He was someone I always enjoyed seeing when I was with J.  Over the summer we had had some really good conversation.  I thought maybe he was just looking for a friend, or checking up on me in a way.  But it was indeed a date and we had a GREAT time.  I was very surprised to find out how much I liked him.  And that I felt attracted to him.  And we've been dating ever since.

 

It's not easy.  We are both single parents and both have a lot of responsibility in terms of time with our kids, jobs, etc.  I have very little time without my DS (almost none) and I run a business and he has long work hours and 60% custody of his DS.  And we are both cautious about going to fast, involving our kids, etc.  In fact, we are getting together with the kids tomorrow, for the 1st time. Neither of us has met the other's child.

 

Arg.. i'm trying to get to the point without making this pages long.  But I'm not totally sure what the point is.  I think I have dating PTSD (not to be flippant about PTSD). I am having a lot of anxiety and I don't know how much of it is based on real warning signs and how much of it is based in fear. Things are fabulous when we are together.  We can talk endlessly.  Fabulous attraction, etc.  I am still in awe that I can be excited about someone other than J. But we only manage to get together 1x/week at the most.  And I don't hear from him much inbetween.  This is hard for me. He has told me from the beginning that he is not a phone/computer person.  He is not a technology person.  And I have not told him that it feels important to me to hear from him.  I am also the 1st person he's dated since his divorce.  He's only been living apart from his ex for 1 year and he wasnt' ready to date before this. He has told me that he is not interested in dating other people (neither am I), so it's not that that I am worried about.  But I guess I'm feeling like I need to know more about where things are, what he is feeling, if he feels 'potential' so to speak.  I am having trouble reading him. I am very very scared of being hurt again... very scared of falling for someone who does not fall for me.

 

I am still processing what I need to learn from the 3 years with J.  One thing I definitely learned (he was the 1st person I fell for after my divorce, so I didn't know what I was looking for at 1st) is that I want a relationship.  I want someone who wants to be part of my life, to share our lives, etc. I am not in a rush. I don't want to be stupid. I don't want to go husband shopping. But at the same time, I don't want to be just a little break/some fun on the weekends and nothing else. I know that is how things often start. That is really all I ever was to J. And so far, that is really how things have gone with P. Though he does talk about more.  I just have no idea how this post divorce/single parenting dating thing progresses.

 

I don't want to come across as needy, demanding, etc. But I DO NOT want to do what I did for 3 years with J. Which was, essentially, nothing. I just tried to be whatever I thought he wanted/needed. I blamed myself when I felt sad, thinking I needed to be happy on my own (I was before I met him) and I tried to be patient thinking he would gradually open up to more on his own. I can't even blame him for most of that. He tried to be honest about where he was emotionally and I just kept telling him it was ok.  It wasn't. [Side note, he now has a girlfriend who just moved in with him, after being together for like 3 months].

 

Plus I have this crazy notion about men wanting what they don't know if they can have and feeling like part of the problem with J was that he KNEW how I felt about him and that I would be there...

 

So, help. Please. I think, perhaps I need to have a conversation with him.  But I don't know how. He told me at the beginning that he believes in being open and honest, everything on the table (this came up in a conversation about J). I don't want to rush or push. But I am feeling anxious enough that I feel like I need to protect myself in a way.  I really really like him. I feel potential. I don't need to rush the potential. But I want to know if he feels it to.  I wish he wanted to talk to me during the week. Honestly, even just a few texts here and there would probably do it for me for now... just let me know he is thinking of me, you know?

 

I am not going to try and talk to him tomorrow when we get together with the boys for the 1st time. I am just going to try and relax and enjoy and see how that goes, how it feels.  But I could really use some advice/thoughts/perspective/sanity...!

 

I'm so sorry this is so long. Thank you for reading this far.

post #53 of 72

Devaya, I am sorry to hear it ended. But I am really proud of you for ending it the way you did.  It takes courage to walk away from the good parts in order to take care of your heart.  And it takes faith that something better awaits you. 

 

Robin, I think just bring it up with him.  For what it's worht, the book "he's just not that into you," and yes I'm a total acolyte LOL, does not advocate sitting back and accomodating whatever meandering path the guy takes in the relationship- it advocates either taking his lapses/mixed signals as a sign that he's not that into you (and you move on, no questions asked) or by all means asking what his stake is in the relationship.  In fact, the book says that if the guy is reluctant to talk about the future, etc, THAT is a sign to move on in and of itself.  The biggest message I got from that book is not to be passive, but to be active, including ending the relationship decisively and early if you are not getting your needs met.  And not to get into either a waiting game or a lengthy verbal tug of war over your needs.

post #54 of 72

Devaya, I'm sorry that you are bummed out at the ending of a relationship right now.  But as Rubelin said, you weren't rejected.  You guys just weren't the right fit... and that's OKAY!  You deserve to be blissed out happy and in total connection with someone.  Not having to talk yourself into it or ignoring your gut.  So good for you for standing up for what you REALLY want.  And it's okay that he isn't it... because someone out there IS!  And when you find it, it's going to be awesome!  :D   *hugs*

post #55 of 72
Quote:
Originally Posted by robinchap1 View Post

Plus I have this crazy notion about men wanting what they don't know if they can have and feeling like part of the problem with J was that he KNEW how I felt about him and that I would be there...

 

So, help. Please. I think, perhaps I need to have a conversation with him.  But I don't know how. He told me at the beginning that he believes in being open and honest, everything on the table (this came up in a conversation about J). I don't want to rush or push. But I am feeling anxious enough that I feel like I need to protect myself in a way.  I really really like him. I feel potential. I don't need to rush the potential. But I want to know if he feels it to.  I wish he wanted to talk to me during the week. Honestly, even just a few texts here and there would probably do it for me for now... just let me know he is thinking of me, you know?


The notion that men want you more if they don't know if they really have you sounds crazy to me. Why would you want to be with someone who you needed to play games with? Or who you couldn't really get attached to for fear that he'd lose interest??

I think you need to actually be honest and open with this guy. Tell him you really like him and that you hope your relationship is going somewhere. Let him know that you aren't in a rush, but you would like to know if he is developing feelings for you too. Honesty and respect. Absolute necessary foundations for healthy relationships. You might learn that he doesn't like you as much as you hope he does, but then you won't have to keep trying to guess.


Devaya, I'm sorry that you had a breakup, but really, I think you are better off without that guy.



So, me. Hmm. OKC is hopping. Fun, but frustrating because none of these guys are really what I'm looking for.

~ The Concert Ticket guy revealed his annoying nature before I had to bother to meet him. That saved time.

~ I went out with a Very Young Guy a few days ago. He was cool, but no major spark. Plus, he's 6 years younger than me...

~ I met the Political Author yesterday and he was exactly what I was expecting. Super smart and interesting to talk to, extremely nerdy, and not very physically attractive. I have said I will see him again. I'd like to get to know him to see if I can grow attracted to him based on his personality. It could happen. This was an incredibly good conversation we had, which is super hot to me.

~ I'm supposed to meet a Single Dad tomorrow. Our schedules don't mesh well, but he seems really nice.

~ I have several other random correspondences brewing on OkCupid. I seem to be taking the four man plan to a new level here. It's like a 16 man plan or something. orngbiggrin.gif And of course they are all going to turn out to be duds. Blah. I'm having a lot of fun on OKC though. I have been finding some serious weirdos who entertain me with their strange profiles.
post #56 of 72
Aww. I've just had a voicemail from the Author. He said he went on four dates this weekend and I'm the one he's thinking about still. He's going to of town for a few days, but hopes to see me when he gets back. He hasn't dated in a long time (getting divorced) so I may be giving him points for honesty, when it's really inexperience, but I like how forthright he is.
post #57 of 72

*hugggs* Devaya, I'm sorry, but I'm really proud of you too.

post #58 of 72
Quote:
Originally Posted by bananabee View Post

*hugggs* Devaya, I'm sorry, but I'm really proud of you too.



Me too.

 

Has anyone read 'How to Break Your Addiction to a Person'? I've not devoted serious time to it, but I've got it out from the library and pick up little bits here and there. I got a major kick-in-the-pants from where the author discusses "that person who will try to start a relationship with you even though you're in a relationship". I have a feeling that whatever your story for why you think about an individual too much, this book has got you covered.

post #59 of 72

Thanks for the kind words and support ladies. I have been through quite a gamut of emotions today but I am now feeling very peaceful, almost blissful. It's been tough looking after my son though when I have all this emotional stuff going on, although in a way he is a good distraction! I am a pretty distracted suck-y parent when I'm in emotional pain, but I've coped by taking us out into nature a lot today. I have been obsessing about LCG slightly, still trying to figure out what I could have done 'wrong' (ridiculous, I know), like was he put off by me being a part-time student SAHM because he's really into career and talked a lot about what you can get on a two-income situation... but i know ultimately this line of thinking gets me nowhere and he was just as wrong for me as I apparently was for him. It helped that I chatted to a good friend today who said her impression of him was of a guy who hadn't accepted his age and was actually pretty emotionally immature (she met him and talked to him quite a lot one time). I can now see elements of that, I think I really was fascinated by him and carried away by his intellect and superior sensual powers ;)

 

I'm actually even getting excited about a festival I'm going to in a couple months, where last time I went there were LOADS of lovely guys, and thinking about how nice it will be to be single there, and open to the possibilities.

 

Mimim, wow! 16 man plan ;) Sounds like giving the POlitical Writer guy a second chance is a good idea since attraction can grow (in my experience anyway), and the Author's correspondence with you sounds lovely and genuine. I now feel that doing some approximation of the 4 man plan would be healthy for me for a while b/c I get way too obsessed with one guy, but how to do it when you only 6 nights and 8 days off from childcare a month??? I would have to see each guy so rarely... but maybe something like, just not putting all my eggs in one basket too soon.

 

Robinchap1, I really feel what you are saying and I can imagine how heartbreaking it was after 3 years to experience what I'm finding pretty tough after only 4 months... I think the skills of being honest and open and trusting in your feelings can be learned, I am still very new to this too and I was way too silent on what was going on with me, in this relationship, in some ways - yet in other ways I did speak up in a way I hadn't before. I like the slogan 'Progress, not perfection' that i learned from a 12 step program ;) Helps me anyway. I agree that it's good to speak to your significant other about what's going on for you, and try to come from a place of empowerment in knowing that your needs and desires are legitimate and that you're not being 'needy' to have them. There are two people in a relationship, so both people's needs need to be heard - sounds like it's a little unbalanced right now in terms of his taking it slow thing... although it sounds like a relat with very good potential. Good luck!

 

I'm proud of myself b/c just now, LCG texted me (sending me love and hugs and thanking me for being open and communicative on the weekend), and I sent a very simple 'Thank you' back, instead of harping on about how I was feeling or saying 'I don't want to see you again for a long time' (which is how I currently feel).

 

I want to know, how do you create a template of what a healthy relationship is and BELIEVE in it for yourself, when you've never really seen it?? Any book suggestions or otherwise would be very welcome! Oh and Rubelin, thank you for the books and for the podcast links, have to get listening to them!! 'He's just not that into you' was SO right about LCG, him not having 'time' to call or text for days was clearly just such a sign. Oh well, I've learned a lot! !

post #60 of 72
Quote:
Originally Posted by AttunedMama View Post





Me too.

 

Has anyone read 'How to Break Your Addiction to a Person'? I've not devoted serious time to it, but I've got it out from the library and pick up little bits here and there. I got a major kick-in-the-pants from where the author discusses "that person who will try to start a relationship with you even though you're in a relationship". I have a feeling that whatever your story for why you think about an individual too much, this book has got you covered.


That sounds like EXACTLY what I need to read! I'm totaly in withdrawal from my addiction to LCG. When I'm with him or even on the phone to him it's like he has this SPELL over me. Ridiculous. And he started a relat with me when I was in a self-declared celibacy period ;) Ha! I did manage it for 3 months though.. and during that period I felt so good about myself.

 

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