April! - We'll Be Fools No More! - Savvy Dating Thread! - Page 4

[rubelin]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mimim 
 I seem to be taking the four man plan to a new level here. It's like a 16 man plan or something. And of course they are all going to turn out to be duds. Blah. I'm having a lot of fun on OKC though. I have been finding some serious weirdos who entertain me with their strange profiles.

That's actually close to what the 4 man plan really is. You break the "men" into quarters (always good to have a few of those in your pocket), half men and then whole men and a 2.25% man (who's the ONLY one you sleep with) - plus single mommas should include their kids/jobs into additional men spots to make sure their time is balanced. Or something like that - I don't remember the exact particulars and I sent my copy of the book to Devaya It's basically to train yourself to have fun with dating and not get attached to any one man until he's shown himself to be the right one - honest, loving, and willing. Since you're meeting so many guys right now, it might be fun for you to try - www.thefourmanplan.com

[rubelin]

Devaya, I think it's always a good sign when a relationship is over that you can see where it wasn't right and where you allowed it to be not right. His part of it doesn't really matter, only how you reacted to him. Oh, and you are totally welcome for the inspiration - get to listening, Lady!

Still no dates showing up for me. I'm trying not to be too discouraged about it but 90% of men on dating sites won't consider dating a woman over 38 so my options have really decreased hugely in the last year. I do know that age has nothing to do with finding love but it sure does affect finding dates

No time for men right now anyway - I'm taking the boys camping with a gf of mine and her kids and then have a fun gathering with a psychic friend of mine tomorrow night. Perhaps my soulmate will be at that

[mimim]

Originally Posted by rubelin 

Quote:

That's actually close to what the 4 man plan really is. You break the "men" into quarters (always good to have a few of those in your pocket), half men and then whole men and a 2.25% man (who's the ONLY one you sleep with) - plus single mommas should include their kids/jobs into additional men spots to make sure their time is balanced. Or something like that - I don't remember the exact particulars and I sent my copy of the book to Devaya It's basically to train yourself to have fun with dating and not get attached to any one man until he's shown himself to be the right one - honest, loving, and willing. Since you're meeting so many guys right now, it might be fun for you to try - www.thefourmanplan.com

I don't want to be dating all these guys. I just want to find one that I really like. Although, I did allow myself to get very very attached to a really bad one not so long ago, so it's definitely worth exploring methods of avoiding that again. There were all kids of warning signs that I missed or ignored though, so I think just being more aware will prevent that this time around.

And I'm sending you vibes that you will meet someone great at the psychic event! A psychic guy who can read your mind! Whoa. Wouldn't that be interesting!

[Zeta]

someone suggested watching the four man plan videos on youtube and thank you for that.  hilarious.  i think she makes some good points, but I still think dating any guy that asks you out is a huge waste of time.  i have other quibbles, but anyway it's always interesting to hear someone with a strong viewpoint.  my biggest take-home message from her is not so much to be dating many men, but to NOT invest in a man until he's shown himself to be the one.  i tend to overinvest and lower the bar and do so many things that end up making me feel crappy when the guy breaks up with me- LOL

I'm on the zero-man-plan for now, and it's working pretty great.  I do look forward to "the one" and sometimes get impatient, but overall, i'm enjoying my life.

[Devaya]

Rubelin, I've finally started listening to the webinars you sent me about magnetising your soulmate - wow! I feel so inspired and excited to find my 'One'. I think this will really help b/c I won't be so tempted to stay with guys that clearly don't fit - I will weed them out earlier, b/c what's the point if my soulmate is out there? I had a real breakthrough a few nights ago, before I listened to the webinar in fact, when I suddenly could clearly see this guy moving towards me somewhere in the world, and sensed strongly for the first time that I am as right for him as he is for me, and he is looking for me as much as I am for him. It was like, wow! I really believe there is someone out there who is my perfect fit, and now that I think about it I do know a few couples like this - who just 'knew' they were right for each other, and felt totally devoted from the start. So it gives me hope.

I also had a great night out on Wed, went to a gig and to an afterparty on the beach with a girlfriend, was so much fun. And I feel proud of myself b/c although I was quite tipsy I didn't snog the nearest guy as I would've in the past - there were a few who were giving me the 'vibe' but I wasn't interested in any of them so I didn't go for it.  I just don't feel as much like I need to prove myself attractive at the moment, or waste my time with these random guys. I've  been hurting a bit over realising how much of a womaniser LCG really was, and how I allowed him to seduce me etc..I really think he would've respected me if I'd 'held out' longer than 3 dates ;) (he mentioned an ex making him wait 2 months, and he was clearly hooked on her). But bleh, the past is the past.

Zeta, the 4 man plan also doesnt seem quite right to me because I do very  much know what i'm looking for, and its a very very n arrow pool of men that fit. So no point dating lots of other guys and compromising!But yes, the not investing in a man till you know he's the one is what i"ve taken from it too.

Oh and Rubelin, how was the psychic gathering - any nice men? I'm shocked to hear that being older than 38 is an obstacle in dating - I wonder why? That's a bit harsh. What's your upper age limit in terms of men?

Well I'm off on a women's camping weekend soon, can't wait! Be good for me to be completely out of male's orbit for a few days ;) (Well except for my son!)

[Zeta]

are the webinars something i can access?  sounds really great. i know exactly what you mean and sometimes I can rest in that confidence as well.

As for your below comment- I have given sex timing a lot of thought, and I really don't think it makes a difference.  At least not one that matters.  To my thinking, if a guy *respects* you less for doing it early, presumably he's joining you in that early activity, so he's a huge hypocrite. I think the last guy i dated did not respect me as much for the fact that i did, even though in my case it was a month or so into dating him, because i had no commitment from him; but to me, that just makes it sad for me that I shared myself with someone who did not really deserve that particular prize. if i had held out longer, it's not like he was going to become an awesome boyfriend.

 the four man plan girl goes through the diminishing returns argument, that a guy is only as nice to you as it takes to get you to sleep with him the first time, and for the guys that is true of WHO NEEDS EM?  The last thing I want is to stretch out their manipulative good behavior - the sooner i see their true colors the better.  My way of thinking is that a guy is just incredibly fortunate if/when it happens, and it's not something I want to use to manipulate an outcome.  No good outcome can be manipulated.

Devaya i am glad you have a super weekend coming up.  it sounds like you are hurting but processing this really well. 

Originally Posted by Devaya 

been hurting a bit over realising how much of a womaniser LCG really was, and how I allowed him to seduce me etc..I really think he would've respected me if I'd 'held out' longer than 3 dates ;) (he mentioned an ex making him wait 2 months, and he was clearly hooked on her). But bleh, the past is the past.

[rubelin]

Leta, I definitely think that most of us are past what the 4 man plan offers, since we don't fit the typical "single" girl model, but I do think she offers some good insights. Since I was with my ex for nearly 10 years, it was helpful to see some bad patterns I was falling into when I started dating again.

Oh, the webinars are from my friend, Kathryn Alice, who is a Love Guru She wrote the book "Love Will Find You" and does teleseminars on finding your soulmate, releasing a person (or anything that is holding you back) and deliberate creation. I adore her and listen to her meditations often. You can check out her website (http://www.kathrynalice.com) and sign up for her newsletter and I'm happy to email you the Mp3's of some of the older programs I have from her if you send me a PM with your email addy.

The "psychic" gathering was lovely but ended up not really being much of a mixer (besides, the only men there were married or gay). It was done by another online "friend" who I met here on MDC (http://www.erinpavlina.com/blog) and she answered questions and then led a meditation to contact your spirit guide. It was very cool and I got some insights into life in general but nothing much about romantic relationships specifically.

I don't know why 38 is such a common cut-off for so many men but I figure I don't want to date someone who thinks it is, especially when those guys are older than that and most of them say they don't even want kids anyway. I just don't get how a guy who's a year older than me would have dated me last year but now I am too old for him? It's ridiculous. OKC used to show all matches even if they weren't interested in your specific age range, but they've stopped doing that so at least now I only get a list of guys who don't have that opinion but it means that my match lists are pretty short. I personally relate best with guys who are with 5 years on either side (so about 35 - 45). mostly because I am, culturally, very much a child of the 80's and have found I have the most in common as far as a world view with men from my generation. Plus, I have so many friends who have had kids in their 40's that I just don't see that cut-off as being at all relevant, but whatever

[mimim]

If 38 is a big cut off age for finding dates, then I'd better hurry up here. I'll be 37 in a few months and I am already noticing that it's much harder to find people than it was just a few years ago.

I really hate dating. I'm an introvert. I don't enjoy "getting to know you" or hanging out with people I don't know well. Most of my (very few) friends are people that I've known since I was a kid. But I don't do too well without a companion and sex. Lately, I've been able to hold out from having sex with someone I'm not really really into, but I think I'm about ready to cave in and lower my standards. Of course, doing that also lower the quality and increases the risks, so I will try to stay on the wagon, but I'm hanging on by the skin of my teeth right now...

However, I'm still out there looking and trying out new men. Blech.

I've got a new guy that I'm very optimistic about from OKC. Outdoorsy, seems intelligent, really nice. Really normal. Probably too normal for me, but I need to get over that prejudice. Plans to meet up soon are in the works.

On the back burner are The Tot (so nicknamed by my friend because he's 6 years younger than me), who is nice, but not "it" and The Dad (so nicknamed for obvious reasons), who is also nice and is attractive, but seems hesitant about dating - or maybe just about dating me.

I'm meeting The Author on Tuesday for Vietnamese food and live jazz. He's brilliant and successful and has set the level of contact at a very comfortable level. I'm excited about him, but he is probably not really a long-term possibility.

In a couple of hours I'm meeting The Hair... Judging by his complicated hairdo and some other random things about him, he will not work out as anything more than a friend. The good thing about him is that he's politically active. He's told me about a bunch of demonstrations that he's been to lately and activist groups that he has affiliations with. So even if I can't date him, I might join him at some political activities and maybe meet some new people that way. It would be great if he turns out to be better than I expect, but I won't count on it.

[Butterflymom]

Devaya - you should give workshops on how to rock a difficult breakup.

I had an amazing week with Cucumber on our trip abroad with his family.  I love him.  I wish I could read his mind.

[Devaya]

Hey, Butterfly Mom, thanks ;) And it's great to hear that you had such a good holiday with Cucumber.. but I know that feeling all too well of wishing you could read your guy's mind...

I've just started reading a book called 'Women who love too much'. Anyone read it? Hhmm. Very interesting.

I feel so refreshed and nourished after four days of just women company at this camp (apart from my son!), it was so validating and wonderful, deeply soulful. I realised that I could feel whole and complete without men around and that often men just have the effect on me of dragging my energy out of me - well, I alllow that to happen. I did a lot of processing on the camp and sharing with other women and it was so comforting to realise how we all have our heartbreaks and we do get through them. I am determined to have a deepened commitment to myself and my relat with myself without looking to a man to provide my missing bits.

But I know it's going to be challenging, and I'm already having temptations to go to the dance class this weekend that LCG and I used to go to together - I had decided to still go, but to leave a big gap of about 6 weeks before I go again - but i know seeing him now is a bad idea and will bring up too much for me...if I had to see him dancing with other women etc it just wouldn't be fun (and that prob would happen!). But some part of me wants to torture myself. Ugh. But on the whole I'm doing really well...have managed to reply to the texts he sent me a few days ago, in a neutral fashion and not get drawn in, and managed not to call or email him. But now there is this other old flame who is after me again, texting and calling me (I'm just ignoring it), which feels uncomfortable. These 'testing' things seem to happen whenever I resolve to stay out of relationship with men for a while! I also have had a bit of a pregnancy scare but it looks like that's ok now, whew! That would be SO  not funny!!

[Devaya]

Originally Posted by Zeta 

are the webinars something i can access?  sounds really great. i know exactly what you mean and sometimes I can rest in that confidence as well.

As for your below comment- I have given sex timing a lot of thought, and I really don't think it makes a difference.  At least not one that matters.  To my thinking, if a guy *respects* you less for doing it early, presumably he's joining you in that early activity, so he's a huge hypocrite. I think the last guy i dated did not respect me as much for the fact that i did, even though in my case it was a month or so into dating him, because i had no commitment from him; but to me, that just makes it sad for me that I shared myself with someone who did not really deserve that particular prize. if i had held out longer, it's not like he was going to become an awesome boyfriend.

 the four man plan girl goes through the diminishing returns argument, that a guy is only as nice to you as it takes to get you to sleep with him the first time, and for the guys that is true of WHO NEEDS EM?  The last thing I want is to stretch out their manipulative good behavior - the sooner i see their true colors the better.  My way of thinking is that a guy is just incredibly fortunate if/when it happens, and it's not something I want to use to manipulate an outcome.  No good outcome can be manipulated.

Devaya i am glad you have a super weekend coming up.  it sounds like you are hurting but processing this really well. 

Thanks Zeta, that's really helpful about the sex timing thing, and validating - I kind of know its BS (the diminishing returns theory) b/c to be honest, I've always slept with men relatively early - usually a couple of weeks into knowing them, if not sooner - and often that did turn into a long term relationship which while it had its problems, was not without happiness too, and which was always ultimately ended by me ;) So I don't think the issue really is when I slept with them so much as what kind of guy I am attracting - usually a guy who is distant and cannot possibly meet me halfway in a healthy intimate relationship. And so now what I"m looking at is WHY I am only attracted to these kinds of guys, and what the hell I can do about it!

Also, the dating scene is really different here in the UK from in the States from what I gather - it's expected that women will sleep with a man in the first three dates or so, unless she's a reborn Christian or something ;) So it's not seen as a 'slutty' thing to do. People also don't generally date more than one person at a time - the pattern is, meet someone, sleep with them, end up in a relat with them or if that's not what you both want, chalk it up to a one night stand or fling and move on, etc. So there's a real tendency towards serial monogamy and people having many, many partners. Hope this is ok to talk about on here. Just some cultural differences ;)

[mimim]

Originally Posted by Devaya 

Also, the dating scene is really different here in the UK from in the States from what I gather - it's expected that women will sleep with a man in the first three dates or so, unless she's a reborn Christian or something So it's not seen as a 'slutty' thing to do. People also don't generally date more than one person at a time - the pattern is, meet someone, sleep with them, end up in a relat with them or if that's not what you both want, chalk it up to a one night stand or fling and move on, etc. So there's a real tendency towards serial monogamy and people having many, many partners. Hope this is ok to talk about on here. Just some cultural differences

I tend to follow this philosophy. Although, lately I have been avoiding having sex with anyone that I didn't think had potential for a relationship. Sex is better when you know the person you are with and there are a lot of things you can catch from so much physical contact, regardless of condoms. Slutty is an entirely incorrect way to characterize what you are describing and I expect that you are more likely to run across that attitude in the US rather than in the UK. But I'm tired of abstinence. I'm going to relax my rules for a spell.