Hi mamas. I am looking for some ideas how to deal with the problem I am facing. I have been home with DD (13months) since her birth. I am enjoying, but spending whole days with her is tiring (that is normal, I know) and it feels sometimes lonely. DH works, so I can get his help with DD in the evenings/weekends. However, he has chronic sleep problems and constant sinus problems, which mean he is feeling weak and tired/sleepy most of the time. Very often, when he says that he is going to have a nap to recharge, I feel plain angry. I am once more on my own with the kid. Because of his chronic tiredness, DH does not feel like going out to the park or anywhere else much. If we go, I have to plan everything and pressure him into going. Sometimes I just say I am going on my own with DD. I can't help it, but I resent my DH's ilness/sleep problems. I feel anger growing inside me. The reasonable me tries to accomodate him taking rest and shoulder it alone, but the emotional side resents this. It is affecting our love life, I don't feel like making love at all. I think it is because I lack his support as parent. I detatch from him and focus on the child to try to manage on my own. When he comes and wants to make love, I am not able to switch my mind from going it basically alone, to being a passionate lover. I have feelings for my DH, but see him more like a friend, there is not much passion left. Not sure how to speak about this to DH or how to deal with the anger I feel. Any suggestions?
help with managing my angry feelings
I'm sorry you are having such a hard time of it. I have a friend whose dh is chronically sleepy, low energy, low motivation to do stuff w/the kids. It is very hard on her at times. They have found (and we discovered it for our dd!) the Neurosensory Center of America and it is helping tremendously. Maybe it would benefit him too? It is holistic. Anyway, other than that, maybe you could try explaining to your dh that if he has the energy for an intimate relationship, surely he has time for doing things w/your child. Seriously, that's what stuck out to me. I do not blame you a bit for being resentful. I do not blame you for not wanting the intimate part if he can't seem to contribute to some of the daily stuff. I don't know what else to say, but didn't want this post to go unnoticed.,
I totally understand you!! You have described exactly the way I feel -and going through! I've been with my high-need boy since his birth, 13 months ago, too! My husband doesn't have the sleeping thing but when he comes home from work, we eat together and he is off to his computer because he's "gotta work". His "hobby/obsession" is video production/post-production/editing, and he's damn good at it, but I feel so alone!! He often tells me (when I complain about feeling lonely) we should make a schedule for him to spend time with us and also get some "work done" at home, but I don't want to make him spend time with us!! I want him to want and enjoy time with us!
We haven't made any "schedule" because even the thought of it makes me feel worse...
I've considered getting a job, as an option, and not take care of my baby full-time, but it breaks my heart, and I feel my baby won't thrive.
Your husband might need medical help! ...and at this point I think you should seriously consider couple therapy. Get a babysitter, and after your husband takes his "power nap" glam up and go on a date! Write him a letter talking about how you (both) fell in love and how you wish he spent more time with you. Go for a walk and have a heart to heart. Find a "village" in your area, mamas that can help personally!
I hope this helps! You're not alone!
Thank you for the replies. It means so much to have somebody listening, although there might be no easy answers. I managed to start talking a bit to DH about how I miss our outings together, the fun stuff we did when we were dating. I am reading Noami Wolf: Misconceptions and there is a place where she talks about women who find direct link between their DH's involvment with their child/housework and their love life. I couldn't help chuckling when I read it. I showed it to DH and later on we talked a bit. I think he is beginning to understand more. Now I tease him when he IS helping that housework is sexy:- Having said this, making our relationship strong again will take time. Yes, DH might need help with his sleep problems. I saw him on sleep meds a couple of years ago and it just knocked him out at night and made him emotionally flat at daytime. That's not a way to go. What he would need more would be something like very systematic couselling, but first, he is very sceptical about somebody being able to help him and secondly, we are not in a positon to afford this at present.
Becky, I can understand how important it is to have the initiative coming from DH instead of him just responding to your requests for his time. That's probably where the loneliness comes from. About your going back to work, hm, depends. Doing something you find meaningfull part-time or volunteering might help you feel more fulfilled. The drawback which is there is that it might be quite stressfull if you worked and had the main responsibility for your family, too. I find it hard work to be a stay at home mum, but the reward is that I have time for DD and we are in no hurry to get to daycare...
:) I'm glad you're feeling better and sharing your feelings with your DH! I am glad he's listening!
I don't believe in the "traditional (pill) medicine", I have a chiro that works wonders! If you don't have the money for this maybe you can DIY and try some of the reflexology from Liz Hoffmann's article "Sole healing" in the november-december 2010 Mothering magazine. Even if someone is skeptical about this approach it would give you both time and a very nurturing way to get closer.
Staying at home IS a lot of work, but when I have to spend time away from the whole thing, as I had to these last couple of weekends (taking my teaching license tests) I find it refreshing to come home and do whatever I have to do... even washing diapers seemed like such a cool thing to do! LOL, it's silly I know, but it helped me feel relieved and it helped my husband realize -even for a short period of time- how much I put into our family's growth.
We have received counseling, but it can be very challenging if the person doesn't believe somebody else can help with a personal problem. My husband is very good when sharing things, thoughts and feelings with a counselor, but then he comes home and does exactly what he'd been doing all along! He has a very stealth way to slip back into his office. Sometimes I don't even realize how I ended up alone, again, or worse, how much time have we spent by ourselves without DH! It's super draining!!