Suicide Grief

[MrsJewelsRae]

Last week we received absolutely shocking and horrifying news that a friend had taken his life.  :(   He is related to my dh, we are close to his parents, we watched him grow up, we all attend a small very close knit church which he and my dh grew up in.  Caleb committed suicide on his 19th birthday and it just doesn't make any sense.  The grief in our little church is so intense, we have a lot of teens here and they are all deeply hurt, along with the rest of us.  One of my best friends and mentor is a homeschool mom of 6  (4 teens)  and married to a police officer.  He is very strong, SWAT officer, familiar with tough situations.  He was the first to get the news as it arrived at the station that they needed to send an officer out to deliver the news to the family, he literally collapsed on his fellow officer's shoulder and wept.  They had to send him home, he got his wife and they immediately went over to the parents' house to comfort them.  They had to watch as Jim made phone call after phone call to his 4 older sons to give them the devastating news, having to repeat over and over that their brother was dead and had hung himself, then the grandparents, the aunts and uncles, the elders at the church, etc.  My dh was out for dinner with his best friend, also related to Caleb, when his Dad called him on his cell to give them the news.  They left after just a few minutes, and when my dh walked in the door I immediately shut my laptop, his face was white and I knew something was really bad.  He just blurted it out and I couldn't even grasp it for a minute, it was too awful, I kept asking him "who?" as if there were two Calebs, because the one I know just couldn't be gone, it just couldn't be true.  It was about 10 pm and the church called an emergency prayer meeting at the church to pray for the family.  My dh wanted to stay and comfort me but I made him go.  I cried almost all night long, as I know most of our church family did.  I have never wept so much in my life as I have this week.  I still cannot believe I'll never see him again. 

Caleb was one of those guys that was big in every way- a huuuge bright smile always on his face, big shiny eyes always with a glint or more of fun and silliness, a big body of 6'5 to house his big heart, big personality, and big brain.  He had so many friends.  He had 4 big brothers who loved him, he talked to them several times a week on Skype, phone, or email.  He had such a glowing future that he was always planning for.  He was in his first year of University away from home in another province, he was going to be a doctor.   He was getting good grades, he was tutoring other students, he had gone to India to do volunteer work with a medical team and was planning a trip to Haiti next month.  He had a family that was stable and very loving, a mom and dad devoted to each other and their 5 sons.  He had 3 nieces he completely adored.  His family and friends are all totally shocked- so far, there were no warning signs.  It was so sudden, and though he left a 2 page letter he did not give any reason why.  He apologized for the "inconvenience" as if that is all he was to us all!!   He wished certain students well in their academics and career futures, he mentioned some people with love.  When we visited his parents his father trembled while we hugged and he said it was just so awful not to know WHY!?  His grandmother took my face in her hands and shook with grief as she sobbed "why?  Why would he do this to us?"  I am afraid for his mother, she is so strong, she is too strong.  She held up so well through the hours of visitation on wednesday as hundreds and hundreds of people came to pay their respects, she gave a wobbly smile and said "God is still good, all the time, He is still good" to me when I held her.  It's like she's frozen, you can tell she is completely stricken, but she is one of those people that seems to need to stay busy and focus on something, she has entertained dozens of people in her home the past week, friends and family filed in and out in a constant stream.  Her son wasn't buried for a week because they had to do an autopsy (not sure why, as he hung himself) and then fly the body home. I am just really afraid for her once everyone goes home and the reality really sets in and her strength begins to weaken. 

His funeral was a lovely tribute to him, but so so painful.  They had to rent the biggest church in town to have his funeral as there were over 800 people. His 4 brothers stood together at the podium and literally had to hold each other up so great was their grief, they sobbed so hard at times they could hardly get through their beautiful speeches.  It was absolutely heartbreaking and soul-wrenching.  They laid him to rest in the little old country cemetery next to their house, it was where Caleb had hidden tons of candy all over the graveyard and taken all our kids on a flashlight trick or treat hunt one Halloween a couple years ago. 

I'm not sure how to deal with this with my kids-8 and 6 (well, she'll be 7 tomorrow).  Not sure what to say.  At first I told them he died but avoided telling them he took his life.  But ds found out pretty quickly from a friend how Caleb died, so I sat down and told them the truth.  They saw me bawling all week, deeply grieving, they witnessed many people openly sobbing at church last Sunday, and they attended the visitation and funeral and burial with us, there was an open casket.  I told them that Caleb must have been hurting about something and maybe he felt hopeless, or maybe he felt sad, but that he was in Heaven.  The funeral speakers preached clearly that even though suicide is wrong, there is no sin that Jesus' blood cannot cleanse, that God cannot forgive- we know Caleb is in Heaven.  I told them that Caleb never reached out for help and that even though he never meant to hurt his family, look at the sorrow this has caused them.  It is very obvious to them the impact his death has made on everyone around them, the agony and confusion it has caused.  I told them his parents' grief will never go away.  I begged them that if someday they ever felt that something was too hopeless or they were too sad that they must find someone to reach out to, talk to someone, they can come to us no matter what the problem, we will always love them and be here for them.   But what else should we talk about?  Should I just leave it be for now (as I have been after the initial couple convos we've had about it) and answer any questions they may come up with?  Today we had my dd's birthday party.  At the end, to my horror, I guess I had a panic attack.  It's all blurry, but as I was cleaning up and I started feeling like I was hyperventilating- but I wasn't even thinking about Caleb or the past week- I felt afraid, my head started pounding, I felt dizzy and nauseous, my heart was racing and my face felt so hot- my mom and my sister had to help me to the couch to lie down and put a blanket on me.  All the kids were outside playing, except my dd, and others were there- my parents, my sister, my friend, another teen girlfriend from church, thankfully my ILs had just left! 

Anyhow, my other question.  What do I do for my friends who lost their son?  We've been to their house so many times, and they to ours, we see them 3 times a week at church, they are friend and family.  When I was leaving the funeral luncheon they came to me and hugged me, thanked me for all my help (I helped the other church ladies put on the luncheon).  The Mom began to shiver and repeated again to me "God is still good" with a painful teary smile, then as tears slipped down her cheeks she begged me "just please, please remind me of this in a few months ok?  I'm going to need you, ok?" And I promised her I would, gave her one more tight hug and as I left I bumped into someone and grabbed onto them and sobbed my heart out.  How do I keep this promise?  It feels akward- I mean, the worst I've suffered is IF and miscarriage, and this takes the cake compared the personal grief I've ever suffered.  I plan to do little things for her.  Bring her food (though this is tough, she LOVES to bake and is easily one of the best cooks I know!), drop little notes of encouragement for her in her purse, visit her, buy her little things (she loves to give little gifts, so I bet she'd love to receive some as well), have them for dinner, etc.  But I feel I should give them space first, how much time should I give before reaching out beyond just a note saying "I love you and I am praying for you and your family every day"???? 

I'm sorry this is soooo long!  It's been an overwhelming and exhausting week and I just needed to write things down and get them out.  There are now 2 pictures on my fridge of young men I've loved who committed suicide.  My good friend Michael was 22 when he took his life in a similar way 10 years to the day that Caleb did.  It was a very difficult time to lose a friend.  But now, as a Mom, I look at my children and imagine what that pain must be like for my friend, and the grief and agony is that much worse on her behalf.  :( 

Edited by MrsJewelsRae - 4/2/11 at 7:38pm

[Doulaamber]

I am so sorry for your loss. Suicide is the hardest thing to deal with. as far as help to help your friend, just drop them notes, phones calls of hey, love you. in my experience, saying "let me know if you need anything" isn't the best. people don't usually know what they need and if they do know, don't know how to ask for it. All you ideas were good, little notes, offer to take her to lunch or shopping. Or maybe she doesn't want to go out and be met with the stares and questions so offering to go grocery shopping, or errand running for her, or go with her.

I'll be thinking about you all. I'm so sorry.

[Super~Single~Mama]

:hug  I second the pp.  Dropping off fruits and veggies, things that can be eaten without cooking.  Leavings notes, or phone messages letting them know that you are there when they are ready.  Groceries, meals (I doubt she's up for cooking, I know I wouldn't be able to cook after something like that).  Flowers, just anything that lets her know that you're there waiting for her to reach out.  Keep leaving messages, keep leaving notes.  They might not call you or get in touch right away, but they will appreciate the gestures.

[fjamesc]

A good starting place to learn about grief after suicide is http://www.save.org/coping (a page on the website of Suicide Awareness Voices of Education, an organization dedicated to the prevention of suicide and helping people in the aftermath of suicide). FJC

[momtoS]

Jewels--I am sorry for your loss. You have great ideas to help your friend. When my brother took his life in January of this year my friend set up a facebook group, and friends joined and if I needed anything I posted it and someone dropped it off at my door. I didnt really want to talk or see people but still needed stuff. It was a really good idea. The group was a brief thing ....prehaps two weeks or so but it really helped.

Also there is this group for survivors of suicide. http://www.suicidegrief.com/

It makes me sadd that someone else has to join this group........