I have been drawn to Midwifery since I can remember, as a young child I used to have dreams about attending birth. I had researched paths to becoming a MW in my early 20s (2001) and really felt like this was what I wanted to 'do', but I always felt like I needed to have given birth myself before I could be a MW myself. SO, I waited...I had my daughter almost 2 years ago and while I did birth her vaginally and on my own terms, it was a long and traumatic labor for me in many ways. I felt totally betrayed by the CNM who I hired to attend my daughter's birth in more ways than 1. Now a very clear path has presented itself to me for starting a program of Holistic Midwifery next year and I am feeling like I won't be an effective MW until I have a 'blissful' birthing experience. I sat with this idea of 'putting off' this pursuit until after I have possibly had another babe and potentially a less traumatic experience, but then it came to me that I even then I think I would be insecure and terrified (at times) of what a big responsibility this would be--to hold the space for a birthing woman and to help safely usher in new life to the Earth. It just seems really BIG, KWIM?!
So, in trying to determine the right path for myself. I was hoping that you would share what helped you make the decision to 'BE' a MW and were you scared at the prospect of this huge task or were you secure in your purpose from the beginning? I tend to be a very self assured person in many areas of life, but I find myself feeling quite the opposite when contemplating this decision. I know that self assurance and confidence or lack of it at the beginning of any new path do not necessarily determine future success, but it makes it harder to move forward with ease when you are feeling meek and inadequit.
SO, if you felt the 'calling' or the purpose but were anything less than confident about your abilities in this realm--How did you overcome those feelings and make the decision to pursue Midwifery and when did your feelings dissipate? OR should someone who is feeling this way take it as a sign that she isn't right for this task?