So frustrated...Dh hates to talk money, loves to spend

[e13lorena]

Whenever I try to talk money with DH, he gets all stressed out and doesn't want to talk.

I think he feels like no matter how hard he works, he can't bring in enough money. I'm a SAHM. The problem is that he spends it, alot. Constantly buying stuff on ebay, paying for it through my paypal which comes directly from the checking account - I usually find these when I download our account info from the bank everyday or every other day. When he takes the debit card for gas - he always goes in the gas station and buys food or rockstars. He does not have his own debit card - because he can't be trusted to have one all the time. He usually has cash here and there from little side jobs / work on cars he does and spends that on whatever, so I don't even track or budget that amount.

The problem is we're struggling - living paycheck to paycheck. We have been able to pay all our bills. We have no debt except mortgage, put quite a bit in savings each month for stuff like car maintainance, christmas gifts, non-monthly bills, health savings, etc. It's just stressful because each week I have to watch the accounts like a hawk to make sure we have enough in there to cover the auto transfers for bills and the stuff that's already been paid, but not cleared.

We have two checking accounts, plus numerous ING accounts (savings accounts listed above) so I do alot of transfering from this account to that account and then paying it back another week - it drives me crazy. He totally doesn't understand that when I have everything balances and worked out and he buys 4 things on ebay - it throws a wrench in things.

I've tried changing my paypal password, but then he buys something we might need, and calls and asks for the new password. The last time I changed it - I told him he had to stop and couldn't keep buying like this and he said okay, I just have to pay for this one thing and then you can change it again. So when I changed it again, he called from work and was all sh*ttty that I had changed it again and said "fine - don't expect me to give you any money from ebay stuff!" - meaning if he makes money from installing or selling something he buys on ebay - the family won't see it.

I feel like his mom, telling him what he can and cannot buy, but when he goes behind my back and buys stuff without telling me and acts like a little kid with ebay and the debit card, I don't know how else to act. Whenever presented with the numbers - he just depresses him and then I have to listen to a whole week of he's not good enough and a loser and this and that. When I'm not trying to depress him at all, I'm trying to make him see the numbers don't lie and when he spends $300 that wasn't budgeted in a month - it puts us in a bind. ARGH! He often bids on stuff, not thinking he'll win, but when he does - he has to buy it and we don't have the $$!

Whenever this happens, I feel like I should be working, and bringing in some money, but this happened when I was working too. We just had more to spend before it hurt us and I could work overtime or extra hours to make up more $$ if needed - not the case anymore. DH is salary too so no extra $$ to come in.

I'm resentful that I'm responsible and he is not. He doesn't think about his family, he thinks of himself. We got a tax refund, pretty hefty this year since I wasn't working and part went into our savings for a Disney Trip I've been trying to plan for years, most of it (like $4000) went into a fund to get new siding on our house (it's bad, rotting and falling off, so much that our insurance company is going to cancel us) - we had money in this fund last year, but DH decided he needed a TRUCK - so we used our siding fund - $2000 and all of our emeregency fund - $2000 = $4000 for his damn truck,, anyway.... Tax return...so we had about $390 that wasn't spoken for that I thought maybe we could use as a family to do something fun or whatever... well DH is going to do something fun - he's spending all of it to go to Phoenix with his brother and mom - the family gets $0! He didn't even ask if I wanted to go and when I said something, he was like, oh well you can go if you want to, I WANT TO, but we don't have the cash and I can't see spending that much for both of us to go.

For so many years all of our extra money and tax refunds went to pay for his medical bills, legal bills, and fees/fines - due to accidents from DUI and other traffice violations. We still owe his laywer $350 - but nope he's using that to go to Phoenix. I hate owing people money - DH could care less.

It's been ten years since we've been married...he has gotten better, but still drives me mad. He's just so selfish and always thinking about right now and what he wants. He doesn't want to here or look at anything and when he spends money and I get anxious and say we don't have it - he freaks out.

Thanks for letting me vent and any ideas you have to "show him the money" as the case may be, I'll take it.

UGH,

Erin

[sarafi]

E13lonora, 

You sound really stressed and from the outside (from what you have written) your family dynamic sounds a little like mine in some ways.

My husband doesn't buy things on ebay, but really love the snacks from the gas station and if he catches sight of a big-ish account balance all the sudden he "needs" something that is remarkably that price.

I have had great success with completely separating our spending finances. I pay all the bills and save all the money and finally got a debit card that is only his to do what he wants with. Even six months ago I was still trying to run one bill thru "his" card and that just stressed me out and left me trying to control his spending. I am totally out of the loop with his card and he is actually saving up his money on his own! All my years of nagging never came close to this :-)

Maybe you could do something like this with your paypal account --just abandon it and the debit card linked and start new ones that you can control. Let hubby know that the old ones are his and to have fun and see how he does when he knows you aren't madly transferring funds to cover his odd spending patterns. From what you are wrote, you guys are still saving and should be able to afford a little "fun" money. Let your husband have a set amount each month to do with on his own (even though you said he gets cash from jobs he clearly likes using plastic so give him a little and see if that actually helps. You may find he is spending less--I know that I did when I finally "knew" that all spending on this card was mine and I could not blame in on my DH :-) Early on my husband had his debit card declined a few times and now he checks his own spending.

I know you have other things going on with your relationship, but it is really hard to try to juggle this stuff on a small budget and I think that really the easiest way to manage would be separate cards and accounts. You guys can have real talks about savings goals and plans when no one feels like they are having to guard the pile of money or hurry and spend it on what they want before the other person "wastes" it.

Hope that helps

[Nitenites]

Have you looked into the possibility that he may have a spending addiction?  Maybe spending is his way of dealing with stress?

[kristandthekids]

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Edited by kristandthekids - 1/16/13 at 7:25pm

[McGucks]

My ex-husband was a compulsive spender...there could be three feet of snow outside with radio alerts asking that only emergency vehicles be on the streets...and he would insist on going to the mall to buy new shoes.  It has been suggested to me by different folks (including some professionals) that he had OCD.  Your DH sounds like he has some major issues with money and in other areas also.  Not to sound like Dear Abby, but any chance he'd go to counseling?  And, not to sound sexist, but men usually won't.  I remember my ex would get very depressed and drink a lot when I would say anything at all about money...he would shop for things I didn't want, sure didn't need, and would be very hurt and angry if I tried to return it to get groceries or whatever.  It was extremely stressful, to say the very least.  I wish you luck.  A whole lot of it.

[MsFortune]

We have three accounts - one is for family, and then we each have our own. Any money in our own accounts we can do whatever we want with, but when it is gone, it is gone. We have strict rules about what can be taken from the family account (groceries, bills, gas, etc) and any purchases over a specific amount have to be discussed and agreed.

We are kind of petty about following the rules. So if I were to get gas, for example, I charge that to the family account. But if I get a soda, I have to charge that separately to my personal account.

It works really well because we have rules that we agree.

If you can't trust your DH to stick to the rules, you could do a modified version. Don't let him make any purchases from the family account. You and only you have a card.

This has an advantage - you get control of the money, but he gets some freedom so he does not have to feel like you are watching all of his spending. And when he does not have any more money in his account he is done spending.

[Chicky2]

I agree that he may need counseling.  That said, we save dh's paycheck in our bank acct. for bills.  Groceries, gas, and anything else get paid for out of our cash.  He only pays gas every other week (carpools w/oldest dd).  Oldest dd pays her bills to me in cash weekly, and anything he gets from a side job or profit sharing gets taken out in cash and divided up amongst our envelopes (well, cans in our case, lol) for groceries, car repairs/new van savings, homestead projects, emergency fund.   If we have more that week (or it's dds gas week), I'll put more in the grocery fund.  If I don't spend it on groceries, we each get a little cash for lining our pockets. If it burns it's way out, it's gone and that's that.  Dh may only use his debit card in an emergency, and then he'd better hope there's something there and that it is a true emergency, and a taquito or Monster is not an emergency.

[Poddi]

First of all I want to say relax, you've been doing a great job!  If I understand correctly, you guys have no debt except mortgage, and have savings for various things.  That's loads better than many other families, and you're not living paycheck to paycheck.

It would be hard for him to totally stop spending.  I agree that you should put certain amount of money into his own account, linked to his own paypal.  Say $100 - 200 each month, that he can blow on whatever he wants, but restrict his access to family accounts.  What has he been buying on Ebay?  Does he sell?  Many of us sell stuff so we can have funds in Paypal to buy stuff on Ebay without touching family finance at all.  Maybe get him interested in selling, and become excited about getting paid for stuff he sold. :) I often found selling about as satisfying as buying.

[JesKace]

I'd say if the communication between the two of you is so bad that it's impossible to talk about these things then you really should seek a 3rd party (counseling) or maybe a financial adviser or someone that can help.   You both need to be on the same page about your budget and your goals for the future.  But, if he doesn't want to go that path and has no interest in it, then I'd suggest like many of the others that he needs to have his own separate account not linked to any of the other accounts with a set amount of funds each month.  An amount you both can agree on that won't send you into debt, but won't also blow all your extra money each month so you'll still have money to save.  That way he can spend as he chooses, but he will have to keep track of that spending to ensure that he has enough money for the week/month or how ever often you put money in the acct or he will end up getting declined when trying to buy something.  Does he make a good amount on ebay that you count that into your budget as income or is it just extra "play" money?  It may be worth it to just let him keep that, and use that money for his purchases.  Get him his own paypal acct that is linked to his separate checking acct and then it won't be coming out of your account that you use to pay bills.  It also sounds like you need to close down or put a temporary hold on the ebay acct if it's affecting your bills and you're having close calls.  Maybe for the time being you should change all the passwords on the accts and only buy things that the two of you agree on together.  If he's looking at something on ebay that you may need for the house he can send you the link and then there isn't any reason why he needs the password for the paypal account, you can log in and bid on the item at a price that you feel won't hurt your budget.  Unless of course he wants to use his "allowance" to buy the item, but that would be his choice to make.  It sounds like he just isn't financially responsible enough to handle having any access to any of the accounts you use to pay bills or that you have set up for your savings.  I'd make it separate and it would take a lot of stress on the both of you.  Good luck, I hope it works out :)

[prone_to_wander]

Just a question but Are you micromanaging him? If I thought my spouse was micromanaging my spending, I'd be annoyed. But if he really is as clueless about money as you say
I say, agree on a budget for him to cover all of his expenses reasonably like gas, food from gas stations ect. And when that runs out, no more, no exceptions. And when I say reasonable, give for some wiggle room so if he wants something, he can save up for it, or he can blow it on stupid things like soda.
And stop giving him your pay pal account password.

And don't be passive about tax return money. He is being selfish. I'd tell him no, he can have his portion of the tax return. I'd say divide it by the number of people in your family (so if there are you two and 2 kids he gets a quarter of the return)

My .02