Hi everyone! I don't post much in here, but I log on every day and I absolutely love the single mamas forum. Let me explain my situation really quick... I've been a single mom since February of last year. My dd is now almost 21 months old, she was 5 months when we left her emotionally abusive/neglectful father. I am baby mama #3 for him, his first daughter he signed away the rights to and the papers came for that when I was about 2 months away from having my baby. He still claims that child isn't his. I also discovered he was married while I was pregnant, but had known he had a daughter (who is now 4) with that woman while we were dating. He is a liar and very manipulative... he also cheated on me several times and his time with our daughter consisted of him playing video games while holding her, that is, when he was home and not out partying or drinking or sleeping with his boss.
Okay, got that off my chest. And please don't ask how he got me to stay with him that entire time! I think my brain just wasn't working correctly when I was pregnant. I just wanted it to work so bad. Unfortunately things only got worse after she was born. So I finally left and that was the hardest choice I've ever made.
Now he lives 4 hours away, he has never cared about our daughter, and the only times he pretended to care was when he was trying to get me back. His trying to 'get me back' all ended when I finally asked for child support a couple of months ago, and he hasn't talked to me since. His (now) ex-wife suggested I go through ORS, so I did that and now child support gets taken out of his checks.
Anyways, that's just some background information, I guess I just want some advice. This man is despicable, but at one point I did truly love him, and he has been through a LOT in his life (divorced parents, best friend killed himself, brother killed himself 6 days before our daughter is born). The fact that I understand this makes it very hard to not be forgiving of his behavior and even though he wants nothing to me, I still have this tiny amount of hope that in the future he will 'change' and we can be together. The thought of dating someone who is not my babies real father sounds so complicated, especially since she has a sister from a different mother already. I have attempted to move on several times, but I just find myself looking for reasons to end it because it doesn't feel right having another man around my daughter. Not that it is okay to have her REAL dad around her either. Maybe I'll just be single forever?
He texted me yesterday and told me he is in town, and needed directions to his ex wifes house. He did not ask about his daughter (he never does) and he didn't ask to see her. I saw on facebook some old friends posted pictures of him partying and drinking and playing computer games.
This is the man I can't move on from. Why? Just because he's my daughters father and that makes me want to have hope for him.. to someday be the person my daughter and I wish he was.
Am I crazy? Is it normal to feel this way? Everyone around me thinks I need to be dating, but I don't know if I'll ever be ready for that. Not to mention I'm in school, work (part time) and am a full time single mama with no help or involvement from the father.
Thanks for listening, anyways.. I respect and love you all so much for what you do! Single mothers amaze and inspire me. :)