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Homebirth when DH is against it, even though he agreed to do it?

post #1 of 20
Thread Starter 

I've decided to have a homebirth & DH said that was fine.  Now he doesn't want to talk about it & says I can have the baby in the basement because he doesn't want water or blood in his house!  He did say he would be there & be supportive during the birth.  Has anyone else had a homebirth after having a spouse who was so against it?  I'm not changing my mind.  I can be stubborn too.  Plus I think he'll be just fine with everything when the midwives are here.

post #2 of 20

It sounds to me like he has some misconceptions about the "mess" involved with birth.  My first approach would be to educate him as much as possible. 

 

 

post #3 of 20

Is this the first baby?  Because believe me, kids guarantee a lifetime of water and blood in the house........along with pee, poop, vomit, spilled juice, finger paints, and mud tracked all over the carpet. lol.gif 

 

I can't help but wonder if this isn't about more than stains on the floor, though.....  headscratch.gif

 

Could you have him broach his concerns with the midwife?  This sounds like a case where he may listen to someone else but not you.  (Sorry.  Men!  Yeesh!  lol.gif)

 

Your MW will have lots of suggestions, including different vinyl coverings (such as shower curtains) to protect flooring and mattresses. 

 

 

post #4 of 20

That he says it's "his" house indicates some deeper problems in your relationship, I think. It shows that he does not think you are his equal. From that it follows that he would rather make the decisions about where "his" baby is born.

 

I personally would have him go sleep at "his" momma's house until he gets his head screwed on right. (I ain't having my baby in no basement! And I'll bleed wherever I please!)

 

post #5 of 20


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by averlee View Post

That he says it's "his" house indicates some deeper problems in your relationship, I think. It shows that he does not think you are his equal. From that it follows that he would rather make the decisions about where "his" baby is born.

 

yeahthat.gif

 

Also, my homebirth was not very messy at all and I even had a pool in the living room. There was one spot (about the size of a fist) of blood on the carpet and the midwives put some hydrogen peroxide on it right away to prevent staining. I can't even tell where that blood was now!
 

 

post #6 of 20

I would have him join you at your next visit to discuss with the midwife his concerns. They may have some good videos he could watch to show how non messy birth is. I had 2 home births and there was no mess left behind. By the time my husband and I were out of baby lala land everything was clean and in the wash. Your water can break any time any place and that is the big mess of labor any blood is generally confined to the actual delivery and MW are very good at getting a Chux under you before any blood. 

post #7 of 20

I would be seriously ticked off at him for talking to you like that. That was completely rude and abusive talk. And I agree with others that that may indicate a prob in the relationship.

 

I also agree that children in general mean messes. Just happens.

 

I'd want him to make a serious attitude adjustment. Also, agree with those suggesting he speak with the m/w(s)

post #8 of 20

Sounds like something my DH would do.  My DH does not think that a HB is safe, and the hospital is the place to be "in case something happens".   Could this possibly be a concern of his?  Our culture is so ridiculous about thinking that childbearing is a medical problem, things always go wrong, etc.  The majority of the time in a healthy woman and pregnancy, things go just fine.  Anyway, I agree you should talk to your midwife and have him talk to her and possibly go to some counseling together if he will not reveal his true feelings and why he is acting this way.

post #9 of 20

My DH was grossed out by the thought of the mess - even one "molecule" of blood, fluid or whatever in our bedroom was too much for him.  So I just agreed not to birth in the bedroom.  I had a nest all set up in the baby's room, but actually birthed in the bathroom.  And I REALLY wish I had gotten a birth tub - I think my labor would have been better and faster with that.  

 

I agree with the PPs - it may be a little bit about the mess, but if that were really the case, he would be open to working with you on it.  It sounds more like he has some fundamental fears, coupled with the apparent fact that he does not treat your desires and wishes with respect, 

post #10 of 20
Quote:
Originally Posted by sweeetpea View Post

My DH was grossed out by the thought of the mess - even one "molecule" of blood, fluid or whatever in our bedroom was too much for him.  So I just agreed not to birth in the bedroom.



This is such strange thinking to me especially considering sex involves bodily fluids and is often done in the bedroom headscratch.gif

post #11 of 20
Quote:
Originally Posted by kawa kamuri View Post





This is such strange thinking to me especially considering sex involves bodily fluids and is often done in the bedroom headscratch.gif



Even that would tick me off. Like, excuse me, but this is my home too!

post #12 of 20
Quote:
Originally Posted by dayiscoming2006 View Post

Even that would tick me off. Like, excuse me, but this is my home too!

 

 

Nevermind that women have a tendency to menstruate both in and out of the bedroom. 
 

 

post #13 of 20

Do you have your period in your home? What about taking baths?

 

My biggest concern in this equation would be him telling me I couldn't do something in "his" house.. Past that will you feel comfortable at home if you know he is against it? I'm not saying you should have your birth at home by any means but I think being in a welcoming, loving, safe environment is paramount to a peaceful birth. I hope you are able to have the birth you want..

post #14 of 20

is it just the mess that bothers him? or is that his way of saying he is worried about you? sometimes men are weird like that.. 

post #15 of 20
Quote:
Originally Posted by mcoreen View Post

I've decided to have a homebirth & DH said that was fine.  Now he doesn't want to talk about it & says I can have the baby in the basement because he doesn't want water or blood in his house! 



Er....do you have to stay in the basement when you're post-partum, or menstruating?

 

I suspect something else is bugging him, because what he's saying (which makes no sense at all) and the fact that he doesn't want to talk about it both seem like red flags.

post #16 of 20

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by prothyraia View Post





Er....do you have to stay in the basement when you're post-partum, or menstruating?

 

I suspect something else is bugging him, because what he's saying (which makes no sense at all) and the fact that he doesn't want to talk about it both seem like red flags.

 

Ditto that! It very much seems that there is something else going on b/c like she said his reasons make no sense whatsoever.  (p.s. prothyraia - i've been to the borean tundra too :))

 

 

post #17 of 20

Omgsh, I am sorry but I am going to pee my pants laughing at "I'll bleed wherever I please!"...You make a great point. With that being said I agree with the others. Have him talk to the midwife, watch movies and get educated. If he is completely unwilling to learn then oh well, his loss. And I am sure when you go into labor he will be over it and just focused on you and the baby. He'll forget all about what he said and if he doesn't...well, he's just a jerk, sorry to say. Personally, my midwife will not even take me on if my husband is not on board also and I don't blame her. I want my husband to be comfortable with it too. But thankfully, my husband has agreed to support me and hopefully it will stay that way. Good luck momma!

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by averlee View Post

That he says it's "his" house indicates some deeper problems in your relationship, I think. It shows that he does not think you are his equal. From that it follows that he would rather make the decisions about where "his" baby is born.

 

I personally would have him go sleep at "his" momma's house until he gets his head screwed on right. (I ain't having my baby in no basement! And I'll bleed wherever I please!)

 



 

post #18 of 20

I'd remind him that there is likely to be more blood in the first week post partum than at the birth itself.  Almost all the mess will be contained in the pool, and whatever chux pad you use when you climb out. 

 

I would not give birth in the basement if it means using stairs afterwards, and I am sure your midwife will say the same thing.

 

I agree with other posters that he should bring up his concerns with the midwife (or you can) and she can explain how it usually goes, and what she recommends to prepare and clean up.   I gave birth last time on the bathroom floor and it was not bad to clean up.  We had to wipe up some blood and meconium smears, and wash one load of bloody laundry, and the rest was just the clean but wet towels from the pool.  We had no midwife to help with clean up, but if you have a midwife and/or doula they will most likely take care of that for you.  This can be another good reason to hire a doula, most would be happy to help with that stuff.

post #19 of 20
Thread Starter 

Just thought I'd update the post - I had a wonderful homebirth with a fully supportive but scared DH.  He said he was a bit freaked seeing Dd come out in the water.  

post #20 of 20

Coreen I'm so glad to read this update!

My feeling about what he originally said is that it was probably him being a jerk because of feelings he didn't know how to express. It reminded me of something my DH might say were he super afraid something bad was going to happen to me. When my DH gets scared about my health/safety, it makes him crazy inside and he says crazy things...that's when I have to talk him down a little and be like "I KNOW you're not trying to talk to me like that because you're worried...why don't you be a big boy and use your words" - which makes him laugh and break down and change his tune to something more along the lines of "I'm so freaking worried that something is going to go wrong and I'm going to lose you. You are my best friend and nothing makes me feel scared like the thought of losing you" - which is a place you can actually WORK from!


Anyway, so glad this went well...so glad you got your water birth!! CONGRATULATIONS!!
 

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