Success with "acceptable alternatives"?

[kateye]

I'm wondering if anyone has had success with using these with a toddler (2-3 yrs old)...for example, if a child hits, a sibling, you'd say "We don't hit people, but you may hit this pillow if you are angry." or "We don't throw crayons.  If you'd like to throw something, you may throw this soft ball inside or go outside and throw your beach ball."  I've just started using this strategy with my toddler, but I'm wondering if it will ever curtail the initial behavior.  Any thoughts?  Other strategies to use?  Thanks in advance!

[bonamarq]

I think they are good strategies to teach - we (as in society in general) often do not teach our children what to do with the strong emotions they feel - which is what you are trying to do with these suggestions

Will impulse take over and prevent him/her from doing the 'right' thing every time? - probably for  long time to come - but you might be surprised - especially if the alternative makes sense and meets the need - for anger I would add stomping foot or taking deep breaths - the quicker and more immediately available the action is, the more likely he will be to use it

essentially you are teaching that the emotion is okay and there are ways to express the emotion that do not involve hurting people or property -

You may still encounter people that disagree with this - for some, any expression of strong emotions is unsettling and best not to be seen by others - but this of course is not healthy and THEIR issue more than yours

[DevaMajka]

YES! I did this with ds1 when he was little, and it's my very favorite discipline technique.

One thing to remember- it is VERY important to give acceptable alternatives that take into consideration the initial impulse (the reason for the "misbehavior").

For example, the impulse behind throwing the crayons might have nothing to do with wanting to throw, in which case redirecting to some other type of throwing isn't going to be nearly as helpful as something else. Maybe "if you want to play with the crayons, you can color on paper" or "if you are angry, you can say 'I'm mad!!!'" or whatever, kwim?

Basically, I always saw it as this: their impulses are always legitimate. They are trying to express themselves in the best way they know how. Sometimes, though, their actions are not socially acceptable, so we need to teach them acceptable ways to express their original impulse.

And yes, I most definitely think that doing this taught ds1 self control and gave him the ability to redirect his own behavior. When he was under 2yo (we were living in our old house, so I know he was under 2yo), I saw, a few times, him go to hit one of the dogs with a stick, then he'd turn around and hit the ottoman with it instead. (for him in those instances, the impulse was just to hit stuff with a stick. lol. So I redirected by saying "what would it sound like if you hit X with the stick?" obviously also telling him that the dogs don't like to be hit, etc.)

I'll admit, I'm being a little bit lazy with ds2. But he's only 21 months, and I'm going to get hardcore about it now. lol.

I think it's one of the most useful discipline strategies I've ever learned, for young kids. It teaches them that you are on their side, and you do think that their impulses/desires/etc are important, and that you will work with them to find an acceptable way to express those impulses. It also begins to teach them how to redirect themselves, and control their own impulses.