3 year old potty concern

[Ellen Griswold]

This is about a little boy I babysit, and I'm posting because I'm concerned about how potty training is going at home.  Little guy was 3 in January and I have had him since August.  When he started with me, mom supplied a potty seat to go on my toilet and said she had just started with him at home.  I decided to give him a bit of time to adjust being at my house, doing things my way, letting him get used to not having his kindergartener sister nearby, and I wanted to be done with my pregnancy before that too.  Anyway, he showed no signs of readiness to me.  Mom kept telling me that he was getting better at home, so around Christmas time I started to talk up how awesome the potty was and that type of thing.  In January, I put him in some trainer pants that mom gave me and encouraged the potty and trying every now and again.  He howled when he was on the potty, just cried miserable like I was torturing him and made me feel like the biggest meanie on the planet.  So I dropped telling him to try.  At first I didn't have any puddles, no successes but no misses.  And then the puddles started.  I tried to stay upbeat because it can be a messy process, but the day that he pooped and fingerpainted with it on my floor I threw in the towel.  I told mom that I couldn't handle that kind of a mess and the care of my own two girls at home, plus he just didn't seem to get it.  She was perfectly fine with that and told me that she hadn't been doing anything at home.  ( No wonder he was upset when I put him on there!)  We decided to revisit it again later.  Fast forward to 2 weeks ago.  She tells me that he has started to fight her (literally kick her) when she goes to change his diaper and that she told him she was done with them at her house unless it was naptime or bedtime.  However she tells me that things can just go on at my house as is.  I was supportive, said that when he had a good pattern at home then I'd be more than happy to get going here.  So, on to today, as she was putting him in my car, she said that she had packed 6 diapers since I needed more, but then goes on to mention that he's been wearing his underwear at home and that she is tired of buying diapers.  This time, I ask if he was going for her.  No, he's holding it all day long until he has a diaper on.  Just like he did at my house.  Now, I have him longer than what she does.  I know that she is only doing underwear on Saturdays if they are home and Sundays after church and nap.  I have him Monday to Friday 8 to 5:30. 

So if you've bothered to read all this, tell me:  Do I put him back in underwear at my house just because she's doing it at hers? He still shows no signs of readiness to me - does not tell me when he has to go, cannot distinguish if he is wet, dry, poopy, cries if I put him on (as it did one day when I thought he was going to poop).  How can I help him if she is intent on pushing him into this?  CAN I help him?  Is holding it all day or for such long stretches healthy?  I've told her that some kids just aren't ready at this age, that MY son wasn't ready at this age but then just got it overnight one day.  And, preventatively, what happens if she tells me that she isn't going to buy diapers anymore?  I need the money so just saying I won't watch him anymore isn't really something I want to do.  But I'm not buying diapers for him.  Any thoughts?

[swd12422]

I have no real experience or advice for you on what to do from here, but you say he shows NO signs of readiness. It sounds more like he shows LOTS of signs... of resistance. If he can hold it all day til he has a diaper on, he is capable of using the toilet. He just doesn't want to. His mom probably made it into a power struggle, and we all know who wins in that case.

I think if I were in your situation I would get a bunch of books from the library about potty training (Once Upon a Potty is a great one) and then read them to him/leave them around for him to look at himself. He'll get the idea eventually, but I think you have to let it be HIS idea.

[Mittsy]

DD did this for a long while with us. We let her take a break from the potty for about 2wks, then we read lots of potty books and watch the Potty Power dvd whenever she pleased, this was all to get her ready to start up pottying again. We did that for at least a week, then we bought her favorite undies and told her we're throwing out the diapers. After that we watched her closely and put her on the potty for the length of 1 book everytime she looked like she had to go. She got sick of that within 2-3 days and just started going on her own, without prompting even!

[swd12422]

I just had another thought... Maybe he'd be happier on a little potty on the floor instead of a seat on the toilet? DS has always been a climber, never seemed to be bothered by heights, and could climb onto the changing table on his own before we started potty learning. I bought a little potty (the Baby Bjorn plastic one-piece cheapo thing) and a seat that fits on top of the toilet. He started out wanting to try the toilet, b/c if DH and I are doing it, he wants to, too. That didn't last long, and he ended up using the little potty exclusively for awhile. Then he said he wanted to use the toilet, but even though he could climb up on it by himself, I think it still felt too precarious for him and he regressed a bit til we figured out to encourage him to use whichever he wanted. Before we managed to figure that out, he'd scream and cry when I lifted him up onto the toilet. I couldn't understand his problem -- sometimes it was that he didn't want to use it, and sometimes it was that he wanted to climb up himself. Having that power of choice helped, too.