Teen Sex - Accepting or Encouraging?

[MommaKath1975]

My 16 yr old daughter has been with her bf for over 2 yrs now and she is on bc and they do use condoms. This past weekend was the first time that I've allowed him to stay overnight at our house, and when I mentioned this to my sister she was all upset with me for saying that I was "encouraging" them to have sex. I definitely would not encourage a teenager to have sex but on the other hand I have accepted the fact that some teens do and it does help that I truly like her bf. I'm kind of second guessing myself now but my gut tells me that if they're going to do it, the safety of the home is much better. Anyone else been through this and how did you handle it?

[AttunedMama]

Hugs. I pretty much lean your direction. My kids aren't 'teens' yet, but I am aware that when I tacitly accept any sexual curiousities/questions, things are so much better than when I react.

One of my favorite songs is a from father to his growing daughter, and includes the line "....it don't matter who you do it with, just remember when I tell you baby, YOU the sh**".

Also, when I get questioned, I recenter with a little reading on various societies, to remember that there's not "one way" of growing/living/sexing.

Best wishes!

[happysmileylady]

In my opinion, as someone who got pregnant at 17, as the mom of a now 15 year old, inviting the boyfriend to spend the night IS condoning sex especially if you know they are already having it.  It's like saying "I am so ok with you sleeping with your boyfriend, I am going to invite him over to sleep with you."

As far as the "safety of the home" idea...well, it's sex, not drinking and driving.  Condoms don't have less of an effect just because they are used in the car (or whereever) vs in the bedroom.  Having sex someplace NOT the bedroom doesn't put anyone at any more risk of STDs or pregnancy.  The biggest risk I can see to having sex someplace else is maybe getting arrested for indecent exposure if they are in public?  To me the big risks of teens having sex are the STDs and pregnancy, which aren't in anyway affected by the location the sex occurs in.

ETA: I am not however saying that not inviting him to spend the night is going to prevent sex from happening.  I only mean that it's going to send the message to your dd that you are cool with her having sex.  If she's already having sex, she's probably going to continue whether you approve or not. 

[mtiger]

My 17yo knows that I will accept her decision when she is eady. But... I'm sorry - it's not going to be under my roof.

[philomom]

Hmm, I don't want to say too much because I'm less anonymous than some of you..... but my dd is 17. She keeps a 3.8 GPA and has a steady boyfriend. We've talked, she has good medical well woman care and I think she's a great kid. I do provide some time for them to be alone as a couple together but I don't allow overnights. That crosses a line with someone else's kid as far as my world view goes.

[Catubodua]

i'd stop speaking about this to other people.  this is especially important if he's over 18 and she's under the age of consent where you live.  you don't want the guy getting arrested on statutory rape charges because people have heard he's over there having sex with her.

also, it's sort of odd you'd want to share this information with anyone.  you're essentially gossiping about her sex life.

[RoamingWidgeteer]

Have you read this article: "The smart Dutch take on teen sex" ?

Teenagers having sex at home with the parent's consent does not mean higher pregnancy or STD rates.

[mtiger]

Originally Posted by RoamingWidgeteer 

Have you read this article: "The smart Dutch take on teen sex" ?

Teenagers having sex at home with the parent's consent does not mean higher pregnancy or STD rates.

But that does not mean parents have to allow it.

[whatsnextmom]

Well, to each their own. Personally, I wouldn't allow a boy or girl friend to spend the night at that age unless there was some very valid reason they needed to stay AND they were staying in a different room.

For me it's not really about encouraging or not encouraging. It's my house and I really don't want my child screwing someone in the next room whether I like the person or not. I think DH and I have a right to that boundary. Does it mean I expect my children to be virgins until they get married? No. Do I want them well informed and have access to birth control? Yes. Does it mean that I'm some tyrant who doesn't give her child any freedom? Of course not! I'm just not comfortable with an underage child sharing a bed with a partner in my home. It's my home. I get to be the comfortable one lol.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by Catubodua also, it's sort of odd you'd want to share this information with anyone.  you're essentially gossiping about her sex life.

I don't have an opinion on the sleep over issue. We aren't there yet and I'm not sure how I'll feel when we are.

But I agree that it's not appropriate for you to discuss this with others. It is gossiping. In an ideal world, sex is a private matter. Her aunt, your friends, etc don't need to know. Talking to other people about it seems disrespectful of her, and it's just asking people to judge her.
 

[TiredX2]

I'm a little confused why there is the assumption that having a significant other spend the night will *in any way* effect if/when the couple was having sex.  The couple in the OP is *already* having sex, they are obviously not looking for exclusively sex by spending the night.  Personally, I really like actually sleeping with DP.  I always have.  In some ways, I could see the opposite arguement--- that having someone sleep over introduces the idea that it is *not* all about sex--- that there is time for companionship, cuddling, etc...

Ask me how I feel about it in 4 years, though, lol.

[chaimom]

I think you made the wrong decision. Did you talk to the other parents first?  I wonder what they think about your decision and how it impacts their son?  What if your daughter gets pregnant? And you let them have overnights at your house?  

I'd have a serious issue with a parent who let my son spend the night, knowing he would have sex with her daughter. I know that statistically, my son is likely to have sex as a teenager.  Still.  It's just not appropriate for another parent to invite him over to do it.  It doesn't matter at all whether you like the kid.  It doesn't matter whether you think they're already doing it.  

I think you should back track.  Tell the kids you've thought it over, realized you made a mistake, and you can't have boy/girl sleepovers anymore.  And I think you should hope his parents have the same point of view that you did, because if they don't, and they find out, I think they'll be quite upset.

[Honey693]

I don't think it's an issue. If the boy is gone all night I'd assume his parents knew where he was and they were ok with it. If they don't know where he is then him sleeping at your house is probably less of an issue than him lying. If you know they're already having sex does it really matter where? Wouldn't it make more sense for them to do it at home instead of in a car where they could get fined for indecent exposure? And from my view sleepovers don't always mean sex. I had sleepovers with DH all the time in high school and college and I was a virgin until we got married. It was nice just to sleep next to someone though.

[Linda on the move]

I think that a teen being honest with a parent about being sexual active is a privileged conversation, and I don't think that the parent has any obligation to share that information with anyone, including the other teens parents.

If you want to know what is going on with your kids, it's really up to you to build that relationship. If you fail to do that, then it's not anyone else job to tell you.

[LynnS6]

Hang on here - I believe the OP said that she mentioned to her sister that the boyfriend spent the night. A lot of inferences about gossiping about sex have been made when that wasn't in the original post. I could easily see how the boyfriend came up in casual conversation ('well, we have to make sure Jack gets home before we can meet you"), and the sister getting upset about the fact that the boyfriend spent the night.

Personally, I haven't a clue what I'd do. I like the European approach intellectually, but emotionally, I'm very much a product of my culture, and the thought of my kids having sex in my house while they're teens is a bit much for me. Right now my kids are too young for it to matter, and I strongly suspect it might not be an issue early (we're kind of high on the nerdy scale in our family). Once they're in college, I have an easier time with it.

OP, it sounds to me like you're OK with where you dd is at, that the kids themselves are practicing safe sex. So, I vote for not changing things (it's kind of hard to revoke the privilege of him staying over once it's happened), and keeping your relatives in the dark.

[KaylaBeanie]

As someone who came from a home where premarital sex was discouraged and my boyfriend (we were semi-long distance) was never allowed to share my bed (we were 19 and in college...) during the breaks/summer, I think you are doing a fantastic job. I've always maintained that, given my upbringing, I will be the parent who is open about sex and will readily provide birth control, condoms and alone time (yes, even sleepovers) once my kids are the legal age of consent. I'm sure when I have kids I will alter my ideas on many things, but I hope deeply that this is not one of those things because I've studied psychology; it is SO easy to unknowingly teach teens that sex is shameful, and I don't think that allowing your DD's boyfriend to stay over is condoning it. You're merely accepting that she is a young woman making her own choices, and to be frank, if someone is old enough to have sex there is no reason that sharing a bed is scandalous and inappropriate. 

[Kirsten]

Originally Posted by mtiger 

My 17yo knows that I will accept her decision when she is eady. But... I'm sorry - it's not going to be under my roof.

Well, unless you are under your roof 100% of the time, and in the same room they are in day and night, it very well might be under your roof.  If we polled everyone on mdc (or anywhere) I bet a good portion of us had sex in our house and/or in our boyfriend's house as teenagers.  After school, when you are at the grocery store, before you get home from work, while you are at (insert wherever you go).  I was on the honor roll, never smoked or did drugs, parents and teachers loved me - and I had sex in my house and his house. 

[FAmom]

Letting someone sleep over does not encourage sex.  Speaking as someone who had sex at 16, you don't need to have the blessing of your parents to have sex under their roof. 

My parents likely figured I was sexually active.  My boyfriend was allowed to spend the night, when I was 16, but he was to sleep downstairs on the couch.  And, he did.  Not that we didn't get an opportunity to have sex either.  We just had to be creative.  Be resourceful.  Stay awake later than my parents at times.  He was sleeping over not for the purpose of having sex, at least in my parents eyes.  The reason he was allowed to stay over was for safety, if it was too late, or for other lame excuses we gave, that they in theory bought or chose to accept.  

I think that, for me, openly having a conversation about sex, protection, and the ramifications of a whole range of related issues, is a great thing to have with your kids.  I don't necessarily think you have to provide, knowingly, a venue for their experimentation.  They'll find a way.  Seriously.  Day or night, and not necessarily allocated to a bed.  Teenagers, at least way back when I was that young, thought outside of the box, and didn't necessarily need the comfort of a bed, or the night, like some of us with old bodies do.

Sleeping over is fine.  Let him sleep on the couch.  

[TiredX2]

Originally Posted by Honey693 

I don't think it's an issue. If the boy is gone all night I'd assume his parents knew where he was and they were ok with it. If they don't know where he is then him sleeping at your house is probably less of an issue than him lying. If you know they're already having sex does it really matter where? Wouldn't it make more sense for them to do it at home instead of in a car where they could get fined for indecent exposure? And from my view sleepovers don't always mean sex. I had sleepovers with DH all the time in high school and college and I was a virgin until we got married. It was nice just to sleep next to someone though.

ITA

Originally Posted by Kirsten 

Well, unless you are under your roof 100% of the time, and in the same room they are in day and night, it very well might be under your roof.  If we polled everyone on mdc (or anywhere) I bet a good portion of us had sex in our house and/or in our boyfriend's house as teenagers.  After school, when you are at the grocery store, before you get home from work, while you are at (insert wherever you go).  I was on the honor roll, never smoked or did drugs, parents and teachers loved me - and I had sex in my house and his house. 

Thanks.  And it doesn't sound like it was influenced in the least by having boyfriend be able/not be able to sleep over.

[choli]

Originally Posted by mtiger 

But that does not mean parents have to allow it.

True. But it means that when parents DO allow it, there is less likelihood of an unwanted pregnancy or std.

So, I guess it's a trade off between the what is best for the teen - avoiding pregnancy and stds - or what is best for the parent - avoiding the discomfort of accepting that your teen is having sex.