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Teen Sex - Accepting or Encouraging? - Page 6

post #101 of 127

LOL I was just chuckling over Calliope 84's remark about the 72 yo at uni and my son (18 yo) asked what I was laughing about.  Then he said 'You never stop learning anyway.'

 

I skipped about 4 pages of this as there are so many posts.  But I guess I'd say that I have 3 teenagers.  2 are now 18 yo.  They haven't had girlfriends sleep over - well not their own anyway!  We live out of town so kids often come for a whole w/e or several days in the holidays.  When the kids were around 15 yo the girls slept up my end of the house and I did torch patrols ad hoc. 

When they were all 17 or so I stopped.  I would give them my 'midwife lecture' ie I don't want to see any of you in my office in the next few months is that quite clear? 

I decided I couldn't be expected to be birth control for teens whose parents I'd never met - and who were more than happy for their teens to sleepover with their b/f's at my house. 

I'm pleased to say that no one got p/g - not mine, not any one else's.  I have had lots of discussions about teenage pregnancy and no its not the end of your life, but it does change it for both teenagers.

I haven't been asked for overnight sleepovers by my boys, but I'd prob have said yes if they were going out together for a while.  We've discussed often enough about commitment and sex, and sex and the morning after pill, as well as drinking/drink spiking, and watching out for your friends - or even if you don't know a girl and you see someone spike their drink.  I just think talking about things is the way to go.  I'd tell them I felt 'odd' about them having a partner stay over, but let's face it now they are 'technically adults' do they need to ask? 

Asking teens what they think about things tho is really really interesting.  They have some great ideas about all this stuff that concerns them.  I've heard some interesting views raised by my teens friends.  And by my teens.  If you just listen to media you would think all teens are having sex and teenage p/g's and std's.  But if you listen to the teens they have their head on pretty straight most of the time.  Ali

post #102 of 127
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sharon, RN View Post

 

Lots of posters are comparing sex to drugs and alcohol, but I suggest a different comparison.  Driving.

 

So, most teenagers (even ours) will start driving around the age of 16.  It's risky.  There is a (high) chance of death or life-long disability.  There is a chance of litigation.  There is a chance that through no fault of their own, even if they do everything right, they will be involved in an accident.  However, we (collective we) don't run around saying that everyone should only drive when they can accept every consequence of driving.  We don't make people wait until their married, or a college graduate.  We let teenagers drive, even if the hours and rules are limited.

 

:-)


    Excellent point!  I'm terrified to see my baby learning to drive...much more scared of that than the thought of her having sex.

 

   

post #103 of 127

 

 

Quote:
  Excellent point!  I'm terrified to see my baby learning to drive...much more scared of that than the thought of her having sex.

Oh yes, I agree.  I can't remember what the discussion was about something to do with my daughter who is 13 yo and something someone said 'Isn't that dangerous?'  And I replied - Well she has to sit in the car with her twin brothers who are learning to drive - now THAT'S dangerous! Aliyikes2.gif

post #104 of 127

My kids can have safe sex once they're the age of consent (16), but they're NEVER driving! Just the thought terrifies me! 

post #105 of 127

Your dad sounds awesome!
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by SithLadyFred View Post

I was raised by my father and I was allowed to have a boyfriend sleep over.

Kind of hilariously, but we never had sex while he slept over because I didn't want to gross my dad out or make him uncomfortable if he heard anything, ha!

My dad was fully accepting of my blossoming sexuality... when that boyfriend and I broke up a year or so later, my dad was there to comfort me and help me through it. I feel like the way he handled that situation start to finish, so to speak, was flawless. He validated that my relationship, even though I was a teenager, had deep meaning and importance to me. He didn't trivialize it when I was in the throes of the relationship, and thus during the trauma of break-up, he didn't trivialize the pain and hurt I was experiencing.

In hindsight I've laughed with my dad over that relationship, "puppy love". His way of describing it was that he knew as an adult with years more experience then I'd have, that that relationship was a drop in a bucket compared to what was to come, but for me in those very moments, that was what was most real and powerful, and that it would have been disrespectful for him to not validate that. That's not to say that he HAD to allow sleep-overs. I think it was his way of validating the "seriousness" of the relationship for me.

I'm not sure one way or another what I'll do in that situation. I think there are legitimate pros and cons to each side/option.. and ultimately all we can do is try to make the right decision for our family and ourselves. I think if having teenage sleepovers of this nature is going to make a parent super uncomfortable and unhappy (i.e. if they have to force themselves to not object) that may actually be bad in the long run- it could cause resentment issues from the parent towards their child's partner and that's never a good thing.

 



 

post #106 of 127
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sharon, RN View Post

 

 

Lots of posters are comparing sex to drugs and alcohol, but I suggest a different comparison.  Driving.

 

So, most teenagers (even ours) will start driving around the age of 16.  It's risky.  There is a (high) chance of death or life-long disability.  There is a chance of litigation.  There is a chance that through no fault of their own, even if they do everything right, they will be involved in an accident.  However, we (collective we) don't run around saying that everyone should only drive when they can accept every consequence of driving.  We don't make people wait until their married, or a college graduate.  We let teenagers drive, even if the hours and rules are limited.

 

 

However with driving if a parent feels their child is not mature enough to accept the responsibility of driving they can make them wait. I know for us driving is a privilege not a right so there will be certain things tacked on like good grades and some other things before getting a permit will even be allowed. 

 

There are risks in everything a person does and even as adults we are not 100% ready to deal with certain things. But for myself and my family there are certain things that I will impose and hope the very best that they follow just as there are things that we will not allow knowingly in our house like sleep overs.

post #107 of 127

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Edited by JenRave - 5/21/12 at 9:30am
post #108 of 127

I have 2 teen boys (16 and 15) who are sexually active with their gf's (both15) and I am also accepting of it. T

Both girls' parents also know their daughters are involved with my sons (we have talked) and they also are ok with it. My boys are frequently allowed to spend the night at the girls' houses and the girls are also allowed to stay overnight with myboys. They all are very good about using bc and are all very responsible kids with good grades in school. I do not feel that I am doing anything wrong by allowing the kids to be responsible about sex in our house. In fact, I think it is a healthy attitude to take. I am sure some of you in here will disagree, but please don't preach to me about it, because my opinion isn't going to change. I hope other parents feel the same way that I do about the teen sex question.

post #109 of 127
Quote:
Originally Posted by choli View Post


But WHY is it disrespectful? Is it disrespectful when you and your partner have sex in the house where your children live? What exactly is disrespectful to you when somebody else who also lives in the family home has sex?
 

 



#1 they are children #2 it's MY house that I pay for.  If they are adults and paying some rent then they can discuss the potential of having their long term partners having sleepovers.

post #110 of 127

As a mother of 3 girls with my oldest being almost 17 I'm am accepting of the possibility that she may have sex as a teen and I would much prefer her to do so in a safe place such as her home than say the back seat of a car,a sleazy hotel room,outside in the dirt somewhere,etc. I don't in anyway think that this in anyway condones or encourages her having sex any more than providing contraception and information about STD's etc does. My DD asked for BC almost a yr ago because she started dating her boyfriend exclusively and wanted to be protected if they decided to become sexually active however that day still has not happened as neither are ready.

post #111 of 127

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Edited by ChitownTracy - 7/19/12 at 7:55pm
post #112 of 127

I know lots of adults that apparently do not qualify to be adults... or have sex...

I think it's ridiculous to make a blanket statement over who is and who is not ready for sex.  Both my Grandmothers got married at 13...  They kind of had great lives.  My mothers mom was a club singer and I have one of her "records"  it's all in spanish dang her!  And the other was a moonshiners daughter!  She ran moonshine through the carolina mountains!  They held jobs so I guess 13 was fine.  Kind of laughing inside right now. 

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by ChitownTracy View Post

here's my .2 cents.  Teens are not emotionally ready for sex.  They are still processing who they are... Especially teens who are still being treated like teens- meaning if you are ready to have sex, you are ready to also contribute to the house- (make dinner, working a job or volunteering) if you are participating in an action that could result in your becoming a parent...then you need to be ready to accept that responsiblity. 

On a related note- I used to hire teens/college students for summer jobs.  They need to be able to make their own job interview appointments and be able to call their own bosses.  If your kids are ready to have sex, you need to NOT be contacting their boss to follow up on a job interview...Sex, to me,= responsibilty (responsibilty to yourself (physically & emotionally) & towards your partner.

 

I like Dr. Laura Berman's thoughts- in particular for girls- give your teen girls a vibrator- so she can learn that she doesn't need to a man to make her feel good.  If i had learned that lessons, I would have fooled around far less in high school.



 

post #113 of 127

\.


Edited by ChitownTracy - 7/19/12 at 7:54pm
post #114 of 127

Of course 13 is different now.  We did that though, living longer safer healthier lives.  We've kept your young younger mentally and emotionally.  There is no way I could have run moonshine, or have been found singing in a nightclub along the border at 13.  I think one was even pregnant at 13.  So I don't know.  I do know you really can't say what is for one will be for all others.  Some kids are not ready... but who are we really to judge.  Did our parents realize how well we could get on without them until we did it?  Having sex at a young age not knowing everything you need to know is a terrible thing.  However a kid with all the tools and understanding will possibly make better choices.  My tools were the fear of god and my MOTHER!  I knew nothing, absolutely nothing.  She thought that if I knew about it all then I was being given the go ahead to do what ever I wanted. 

 

Thanks MOM

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by ChitownTracy View Post

I'm glad your grandma has had a great life,that's awesome!

13 now and then are very different...right? 



 

post #115 of 127

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Edited by ChitownTracy - 7/19/12 at 7:54pm
post #116 of 127
Quote:
Originally Posted by ChitownTracy View Post

you are right, I was wrong to generalize. 

 

Here's my revised response:

Before I let my child have a sleepover w/ SO or encourage sex etc.  I will make sure my child knows how to cook, fill out a job application, do their laundry...and (begin) to take responsibility of their life.  FOR ME, if my child is going to participate in something that could conceive another human, i want to make sure they can take care of themselves first.   For me sex is an act that should carry weight- it should be emotionally connecting for 2 mature souls. 

 

I tend to agree. But, kids are also going to have sex whether their parents encourage/accept it or not. I was fairly accepting of the idea that ds1 would have sex at some point...and he didn't until he was 18, about to graduate, etc. He can only cook a little (but generally doesn't - at least he's done it, and can follow a recipe), but he does have a job, and has been doing his own laundry since he was 12. OTOH, I know at least two adults who could do all those things at an early age, and still aren't taking responsiblity for their own lives at over 40. I also know a couple from ds1's grad class who had a baby at the end of 11th grade. To the best of my knowledge, neither of them did a lot at home before the baby, and I know neither of them had a job. They're staying with his mom for one more year, while they get a bit of post-secondary, but they look after their own child, and, as far as I can tell, they're very good parents. They were both prepared to take responsibility for the baby, and for the changes she brought into their lives. They have a solid plan of attack for getting decent jobs and continuing their education. (The first thing the dad did when he found out about the pregnancy was go get his FoodSafe ticket, so that he could get a slightly better than minimum wage part-time job while he finished high school.)

 

Being able to cook, do one's own laundry, fill out a job application, etc. are all useful skills, but they don't necessarily provide any indication of whether a person is emotionally mature or able/willing to take responsibility for their own life. And...you really can't tell ahead of time who is going to pull it together when a baby arrives. I was a juvenile delinquent (albeit one who did my own laundry and cooked for the family once a week), but I suspect I'd have been okay. The teen moms I've known have been a pretty mixed bag, and the ones who took responsibility weren't always the ones you'd have expected to do so.

 

From my experience of working with middle-upper class teens- The teens I work with are not being equipped with these skills - they don't know how to take care of themselves (their parents are not allowing or encouraging them to be a responsible family member) (i think their parents are so busy working to provide the middle/upper class life style, they almost feel bad asking their kids to help)  (THIS IS JUST MY observation of working with my populations teens)  and these teens are having sex.  just like a lot of teens.

 

I'll also throw in that, if the parents are working that hard, they may not be asking the kids for help, because it's faster and easier to do it themselves. DS1 isn't as well equipped with household skills as my other children will be, because our situation when he was little had me running around like a crazy person all day, every day. When I got home and started dinner at anywhere between 6:30 and 7:30 every night, patiently showing ds1 how to chop onions properly or whatever, simply wasn't on the radar. He was expected to help in lots of ways (carrying home groceries with me, running little errands, one-off chores, as needed), but I simply didn't have time to teach him household skills, until he was older.



 

post #117 of 127
Quote:
Originally Posted by ChitownTracy View Post
i will make sure my child knows how to cook, fill out a job application, do their laundry...and (begin) to take responsibility of their life.  FOR ME, if my child is going to participate in something that could conceive another human, i want to make sure they can take care of themselves first.   For me sex is an act that should carry weight- it should be emotionally connecting for 2 mature souls. 


 

Your entire point is based on the belief that parents can control when their offspring become sexually active. Parents clearly do not have that control.

 

 

post #118 of 127
Quote:
Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post

 

Your entire point is based on the belief that parents can control when their offspring become sexually active. Parents clearly do not have that control.

 



That's not what I got.   She said, 

 

Quote:
Before I let my child have a sleepover w/ SO or encourage sex etc,

 

It didn't seem to me she was saying parents can control it.  She was answering the original question, Would she encourage her teen to have sex?  Would she let her teen's partner sleep over?  And those are two things that parents can actually control.  Tracy went on to describe what skills she'd want her kid to be capable of prior to having sex. 

 

Tracy, hope I got that right. 

post #119 of 127
Quote:
Originally Posted by mtiger View Post

My 17yo knows that I will accept her decision when she is eady. But... I'm sorry - it's not going to be under my roof.


 



This.  When DD or DS is 17, that is.  They can have sex when they are able to deal with the consequences (pregnancy, disease, or emotional, whatever).  I hope DC and I have a good enough relationship that we can discuss birth control amongst other things.

post #120 of 127

I agree.  I might let him stay at the house for some reasonable reason, such as an early start to an event, but they would not be sleeping in the same bed under my roof.  That is simply not a message I'm going to send, regardless of what actually might be happening.  Not on my watch.

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