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Teen Sex - Accepting or Encouraging? - Page 3

post #41 of 127

Why do so many of these posts seem fixated on age or arbitrary events?  There's a lot of well my 16 y/o is just 16 so absolutely not or I won't approve until after high school/college/etc..  What happened to looking at a person's (I hesitate to call a 16 y/o a child b/c so many aren't) maturity level and figuring out how to parent based on that?

post #42 of 127

It doesn't seem like a problem to me...as long as the boy's parents are in agreement. 

 

I have some friends who have a 16 y.o. dd with a boyfriend of over a year.  The girl is on BC.  But the parents are  bent on preventing them from having sex--it's very strange.  They know the kids are having sex but the parents don't make it easy.  The kids are never allowed any time to be alone.  If they go to the movies the parents figure out that it should take them 15 minutes to drive home and they they don't allow any more time than that.  I think they're just sending the message that sex is shameful and dirty and their daughter is a tramp.  I don't know how the BC ever came about...but as least they're being smart about that. 

 

 

post #43 of 127



 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Honey693 View Post

Why do so many of these posts seem fixated on age or arbitrary events?  There's a lot of well my 16 y/o is just 16 so absolutely not or I won't approve until after high school/college/etc..  What happened to looking at a person's (I hesitate to call a 16 y/o a child b/c so many aren't) maturity level and figuring out how to parent based on that?

Um, finishing high school is not an arbitrary event.  Not having a high school diploma makes it really difficult to get a job that will provide enough income to live off of, let alone live comfortably.  And getting pregnant in high school makes it difficult to finish high school. 

 

As far as age...yes, I think everyone is fully aware that there are plenty of people who can say they were SO mature at 16 or 15 or 17 or whatever, that they were as fully mature as an adult etc etc etc.  But, the reality is, a vast majority of of teens are simply not as mature as adults.  They just aren't.  Walk into any high school if you need proof of that.

 

 

post #44 of 127
Also, I thought that it was scientific knowledge that teens don't have a full brain capacity to make completely rational decesions until they are older.... Like into the twenties. I know I made completely irrational dumb decisions back then(including lying to my mom, having sex, doing drugs....) and I was a driven responsible great teen before that. I really did get lucky that it all turned out so well for me. I'm sure that some teens may be mature enough for an adult relationship at that age, but I do not believe that is the norm. I would rather ere on the cautious side and protect my child's future as well as I can while they are still a minor under my guidence and responsibility. I do think it is possible to teach your child that they shouldn't be having sex while in high school and why without teaching them that sex is shameful. It is all about the why, explain why you don't approve. It's not that it is shameful just that it CAN mess up your future, and that is just not a risk that a teen should be taking.
post #45 of 127

I am curious, how many folks who approve of teens having sex, have actually experienced some of those risks?  How many of you have gotten pg as a teen, bc or not?  How many have had to make the decison of becoming a teen parent, or abortion or adoption?  Had the guy walk out?  How many have to go through HIV treatments for the rest of their lives, knowing their lives are likely shortened and that every single relationship they have in the future will be forever altered?  How many have dealt with infertility due to an STD that was never discovered and went untreated?

 

These are real risks of sex...at any age, protection or not.  They are not risks I will approve of my child taking, when she is not fully responsible for her own life. 

post #46 of 127
Quote:
Originally Posted by happysmileylady View Post

I am curious, how many folks who approve of teens having sex, have actually experienced some of those risks?  How many of you have gotten pg as a teen, bc or not?  How many have had to make the decison of becoming a teen parent, or abortion or adoption?  Had the guy walk out?  How many have to go through HIV treatments for the rest of their lives, knowing their lives are likely shortened and that every single relationship they have in the future will be forever altered?  How many have dealt with infertility due to an STD that was never discovered and went untreated?

 

These are real risks of sex...at any age, protection or not.  They are not risks I will approve of my child taking, when she is not fully responsible for her own life. 


That is how I feel too. I got pregnant at 17 while on the pill. It changed my life forever. I had college plans, but that hanged too. The father(DH) and I were in love already, and luckily for me he stuck around, we got married, he joined the Army, and helped create a great life for us. I was lucky, and this is not the case for many many teen moms.
post #47 of 127


My mom and dad had me at 16. My parents are amazing and overcame a lot but I knew it had been an uphill climb filled with some major sacrifices. I chose not to have sex in high school based on that alone even though I had a very steady boyfriend my from 10th grade through most of college. Of course, the fact that two of my friends contracted genital herpes before their junior year in high school was persuasive as well. I met DH after college and we were "surprised" when we were 24 and we were using 2 forms of birth control. We were in a better place than most teenagers (finished school, already engaged after a 3 year courtship, a little older) but it still scared the willies out of us and totally altered the direction of our lives. We are grateful for DD (now 14) but more than once I've wished we had been more established before having kids. We've been pretty open about this stuff with DD recently. I'm not going to tell her she's evil or dirty should she choose to have sex as a teenager but I'm not inviting a boyfriend to spend the night. My parents were not forbidding but clear they'd rather me wait and I didn't grow up with any warped sense of sex or relationships. We are taking the same approach. It's her choice. We won't hate her for going against our opinion but we're also clear that it's something we'd rather her wait until after high school to engage in.

 

 

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by happysmileylady View Post

I am curious, how many folks who approve of teens having sex, have actually experienced some of those risks?  How many of you have gotten pg as a teen, bc or not?  How many have had to make the decison of becoming a teen parent, or abortion or adoption?  Had the guy walk out?  How many have to go through HIV treatments for the rest of their lives, knowing their lives are likely shortened and that every single relationship they have in the future will be forever altered?  How many have dealt with infertility due to an STD that was never discovered and went untreated?

 

These are real risks of sex...at any age, protection or not.  They are not risks I will approve of my child taking, when she is not fully responsible for her own life. 



 

post #48 of 127
Quote:
Originally Posted by treeoflife3 View Post

 

I don't think it is wrong to allow the sleepover.  They might not want to have sex with you in the house and prefer the house to themselves for full privacy like I did.  Or maybe they feel really respected that you understand their relationship is a serious one and not just a silly fling.  Maybe they tell their friends 'ha, my mom actually LETS me have him sleep over so we can have sex!  Does she not KNOW?!' but i'm guessing its more of a normal 'well, we've been together, we're serious, we've been having sex for a while so why wouldn't we be able to share a room?' kind of a deal.

 

I don't know that i'd do it... I can see myself more like my mom... not disproving of sex, but not interested in boys sleeping over either but I can definitely understand why parents might be okay with it.  I think the initial reaction is worse than the situation actually is.



Thank you for saying this so well.  In high school I wanted to sleep with my then boyfriend (how DH of 13 years).  Sleep.  Cuddle. Not have sex. 

 

I love sleeping with DP.  I love sleeping with my kids, too!  To me, the desire to sleep with someone is not 100% linked to the desire to have sex with them. 
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sharlla View Post

Im not there yet but I really cant see myself allowing my teenage children having SO's sleeping in the same bed with them at my house. something about it just seems so disrespectful to me.  X and I weren't even allowed to sleep at his parents house until we were married and we were living together and PG at the time. 


See, to me, you not being able to sleep with your partner who you were living with and having a child with seems extreamly disrespectful (of your relationship) to me.  If you were gay and *couldn't* get married would you never be allowed to sleep togehter in your parents home?
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by JellyMomma View Post

It doesn't seem like a problem to me...as long as the boy's parents are in agreement. 

 

I have some friends who have a 16 y.o. dd with a boyfriend of over a year.  The girl is on BC.  But the parents are  bent on preventing them from having sex--it's very strange.  They know the kids are having sex but the parents don't make it easy.  The kids are never allowed any time to be alone.  If they go to the movies the parents figure out that it should take them 15 minutes to drive home and they they don't allow any more time than that.  I think they're just sending the message that sex is shameful and dirty and their daughter is a tramp.  I don't know how the BC ever came about...but as least they're being smart about that. 

 


Denial.  Not just a river in Egypt.  I wonder what lesson the kids are taking from it.
 

post #49 of 127

I've been thinking about this, and I'm not sure I could allow sharing of rooms for teenagers despite my fully understanding why others would do it and not seeing anything wrong with it.  For me, it is more about the law.  Sure, the 18 age thing might seem silly but it is still the law whether the age is fair or right or not.  I'm not sure I'd feel comfortable hosting something illegal knowingly even if all parents involved are cool with it.  I also didn't like to drink before age 21 unless family gave me a drink (which is legal where I am from) which was usually for special occasions despite believing the age of 21 is unfairly high.  It is the same reason I won't allow the use of pot even though I definitely think that should be legal (and haven't used it myself.)

 

I have a good 15 years though before this is an issue.  Perhaps my feelings about it will change.  Of course, I don't see my husband being okay with it in the least even if I end up all for it so that's a whole other issue.

post #50 of 127
Quote:
Originally Posted by treeoflife3 View Post

I've been thinking about this, and I'm not sure I could allow sharing of rooms for teenagers despite my fully understanding why others would do it and not seeing anything wrong with it.  For me, it is more about the law.  Sure, the 18 age thing might seem silly but it is still the law whether the age is fair or right or not.  I'm not sure I'd feel comfortable hosting something illegal knowingly even if all parents involved are cool with it.  I also didn't like to drink before age 21 unless family gave me a drink (which is legal where I am from) which was usually for special occasions despite believing the age of 21 is unfairly high.  It is the same reason I won't allow the use of pot even though I definitely think that should be legal (and haven't used it myself.)

 

 

Just so you know, the age of consent isn't 18 everywhere.  Where I live, WA, it's 16 so even assuming the kids in the OP are having sex, they are doing nothing illegal.

 

Here is the wikipedia age on the topic:

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ages_of_consent_in_North_America

 

In addition to a variety of ages, there are also rules that make same-age sexual activity "okay" even if one or both are under the official age of consent.

 

For your states (listed in your profile):

 

 

Quote:

Kentucky

The age of consent in Kentucky is 16. Section 510.020 of the Kentucky Revised Statutes deems a person unable to consent if he or she is less than 16 years old. It is a defense however if the "victim" is at least 14 and the actor is less than 5 years older {510.130(b)}.

Additionally, under 510.120(d) it is "sexual abuse in the second degree," a Class A misdemeanor, for a person over 21 to have sex with anyone under 18 for whom he or she provides a foster home.

 

 

Tennessee

In a statutory rape case in Tennessee, the age of consent is 18. The stance of the state of Tennessee on the age of consent is "Statutory rape is sexual penetration of a victim by the defendant or of the defendant by the victim when the victim is at least thirteen (13) but less than eighteen (18) years of age and the defendant is at least four (4) years older than the victim." {Full text of TN statutory rape laws [51]} Tennessee law does not give clear directions for cases in which both parties are below age of consent. 

 

Not trying to change your mind, per se, but just wanted to pass some information on.

 

I have to admit my priority is not making sure my child obeys the law, though.  If they, as a rational person, find a law unfair or unjust and choose to break it knowing the consequences I hope I can support them in their convictions.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

post #51 of 127
Quote:
Originally Posted by TiredX2 View Post

 

 

 

 

 

 

I have to admit my priority is not making sure my child obeys the law, though.  If they, as a rational person, find a law unfair or unjust and choose to break it knowing the consequences I hope I can support them in their convictions.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



yeahthat.gif

Ive been looking to hear someone say this for months here at MDC. It seems like the "well, I dont want my child to break the law" is a common opinion that I do not share with others. Im not a big fan of laws, and I surely dont intend to teach my child that they have to do something because "its the law." Hmmm...S/O?

 

 

post #52 of 127

Very few teens are breaking age of consent laws because of convictions or principles.  They do it because they are horney. 

post #53 of 127

 

Quote:
Very few teens are breaking age of consent laws because of convictions or principles.  They do it because they are horney.

 

Thank you.

post #54 of 127
Quote:
Originally Posted by happysmileylady View Post

Very few teens are breaking age of consent laws because of convictions or principles.  They do it because they are horney. 



Or because they don't even know what the law is too... 

post #55 of 127
Forget it. I am not going to change your mind, and I don't want to offend anyone because that's not how I roll. 
Birth Control Pill is not 100% preventable, and boys don't like condoms. 
 
post #56 of 127

 

 

Quote:
Im not a big fan of laws, and I surely dont intend to teach my child that they have to do something because "its the law." 

What???

post #57 of 127
Quote:
Originally Posted by love4bob View Post

. Like into the twenties. I know I made completely irrational dumb decisions back then(including lying to my mom, having sex, doing drugs....)

 

so you had sex as a teen but think that if you dissallow your teens having sex that they won't?  why?

 

That just seems unrealistic to me.
 

 

post #58 of 127


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post



 

so you had sex as a teen but think that if you disallow your teens having sex that they won't?  why?

 

That just seems unrealistic to me.
 

 


Disallowing is different I think than not approving. I had sex as a teen, but also my mother never talked about sex with me. She never told me why to wait, what having sex does to you, ect. When I brought up birth control when I wanted to have sex, she just said no because I shouldn't be having sex(haha what?). No real explanation other than teens don't need to have sex, no why. THAT was disallowing. 

Even if I talk to my kids as to why they should wait, repercussions of having sex, pregnancy, birth control options(and failure rates), ect. they may still choose to do it, but I honestly can't stop that. With more knowledge we can make better decisions, so hopefully having open conversations about it and also relating it to my own experiences, they can see real reasons not to, and choose to wait. Maybe not though, but if I don't even try to dissuade them I would be out right saying that yes, it is great to have sex as a teen, and you are able to make adult decisions, which just isn't true.

 

post #59 of 127
Quote:
Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post



 

so you had sex as a teen but think that if you dissallow your teens having sex that they won't?  why?

 

That just seems unrealistic to me.
 

 



So, because we did stupid things as teens, we are supposed to be totally ok with our teens doing it?  My husband did a lot of drinking and driving as a teen, so should he approve of his kids doing the same thing?

post #60 of 127
Quote:
Originally Posted by TiredX2 View Post

 

 

Just so you know, the age of consent isn't 18 everywhere.  Where I live, WA, it's 16 so even assuming the kids in the OP are having sex, they are doing nothing illegal.

 

Here is the wikipedia age on the topic:

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ages_of_consent_in_North_America

 

In addition to a variety of ages, there are also rules that make same-age sexual activity "okay" even if one or both are under the official age of consent.

 

For your states (listed in your profile):

 

 

 

Not trying to change your mind, per se, but just wanted to pass some information on.

 

I have to admit my priority is not making sure my child obeys the law, though.  If they, as a rational person, find a law unfair or unjust and choose to break it knowing the consequences I hope I can support them in their convictions.

 



Where we live now is only short term.  Where we will be living, age of consent is 18.  I grew up there and have known the laws most of my life.  My concern however isn't that I make my children obey the law but rather that, as the adult with the responsibility of caring for them, I obey the law.  My job as a parent is to be open and honest with my children and to give them the tools they need to make their own decisions.  Perhaps like me, they will start having sex at 16 and never have regrets about it (I have no regrets) or perhaps they will choose to wait til a later age.  I can't say but I will be supportive of the choices they make for themselves.  However, that doesn't mean I need to allow the sharing of a bed at bedtime.  Like my mom, if I'm away for a weekend, I might assume night guests are occurring (and even leave breakfast for them as I mentioned my mom did in a previous post) but again, while I am there, I am not sure I'd allow it.  I don't have to like the law but I also don't care to be in trouble with it either.  My children are free to make their own decisions about how much they care about protesting laws but again, while I am there, I don't have to be part of it so directly.  They'll have plenty of opportunity anyway as I'm far too relaxed to watch their every single little move.  I never had a problem not having a nighttime bed guest prior to 18 as I DID have plenty of opportunities to be with my boyfriends on my own terms.  I knew my mom supported the right that I make my own decisions but she didn't want to be involved with underage law breaking either while she was in the home.

 

Like I said, perhaps I'll change my mind in a decade and a half, but I've never been the type to protest silly or unfair laws to the point of risking getting in trouble with it so I'm not sure that'll change.  But hey, 15 years is a long time to change!
 

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