16 yo daughter smoking pot, drinking, partying with college guys :(

[Julesmom16]

Saturday night I couldn't sleep. I went out to the grocery (which is near my daughter's friends house). I decided to drive by her friends house to make sure my daughter was where she was supposed to be.  Over the last several months, my husband has insisted that she has been "up to somthing". We've had some rather unpleasant arguements over this topic. I actually thought he was going crazy.

Anyhow, I was shocked to find her car WAS NOT there. I called her and the lies just rolled out of her mouth. I let her go on for a bit before I told her that I was outside the house she was supposed to be at. She then tried to say "my car's on the side of the house" and "it's in the garage", then finally she said she was out and about (at 1 am) with another friend.

The next morning I demanded her Facebook password, phone, car key, etc.  Most of the messages had been deleted in her fb and phone, but I found enough.

In message between her and the boy that asked her to his prom (she is a sophmore) she said she had been smoking "3-4 blunts every Friday and Saturday, for two months straight". She apparently has been hanging out with a college freshman and his buddies. This guy has been GIVING my daughter pot, for free. She also said she has been drinking, fooling around with guys, etc. 

She admitted to my husband (I cannot even look at her) that she started drinking recently but did not like it, and that yes she has smoked pot. She says she is still a virgin, but I am not so sure about that.

I cannot not even look at her, talk to her, etc. My heart is broken. Never in a million years would have I thought she would be lying and acting like this. She has had a nice life, we give her everything she needs, she has a car, she is a varsity cheerleader, and a very sweet girl. She is stunningly beautiful, has good self esteem, and up until this point has had no behavioral issues.

I know this is long, sorry about that. Any advice on how to deal with this would be appreciated. So far we've taken her car, phone, and computer away and have grounded her for a month.

I know what I was doing at 16, I'm just SHOCKED that she is doing these things 

[philomom]

I'm anti-drug of any kind. I'm pro-sex as long as its consensual. The bigger issues, though is that your child was not where she was supposed to be. By law.. you are still responsible for her as a parent .. if something happened to her you might be legally liable somehow for trouble she and her friends get into.

If this were my kid.. I'd ground her for two weeks. Then, after you and the spouse have calmed down give her a big talking to about your expectations going forward.

Also, do you know the parents of the friend whom she was supposedly sleeping over with? If not, maybe its time to have coffee with them and talk calmly about your hopes for your daughter and her friends. See if they can encourage your daughter and theirs to a better path.

[AttunedMama]

I encourage you to rethink phrases like "shocked", and particularly "virginity". I think you'll get a lot more mileage out of your relationship with your growing child if you can diffuse your own bomb a little.

Briefly, "virginity" does not really...exist. Yes, it is a myth, but there's not some golden fleece that comes with it, no Masters Degree or free vacation. The power of VIRGINITY is purely of your own family's creation. Personally, I hope my daughter never even hears the word.

[Julesmom16]

I know the mother of the girl she was supposed to be with, we plan on talking with her very soon. This girl has had a few issues here and there, but I liked her and thought she was a pretty decent kid. The other friend (the one she was with in the car) I do NOT care for. In fact, she has changed a bit since meeting this girl. I have met her parents a time or two, but I TRUSTED my daughter so I did not see the need to call/check every time she was going somewhere.

I drove by that night to prove her father wrong, that is why I used the word SHOCKED. I am shocked, surprised, dissappointed. I would have never thought she was out and about doing these sorts of things. She is a very funny, outgoing, happy, loveable person. She has the qualities and personality of those people who go very far in life, unless she continues to screw up, blow off school and ends up in trouble with the law.

The curfew for a 16 yo driver is midnight, period. That is the state law. So, in the past two days I have learned that not only is she breaking rules, but multiple laws as well.

As for virginity, I personally do not understand your point that it is a "myth". Read the bible. I don't feel that Virginity=special powers, etc. Being a nurse, I have had NO ISSUES discussing sex, drugs, etc. with her. We have talked about it. I have raised her to respect her body and treat it well, not to fall for corny lines guys may throw her way, not to be easy, and not to have sex unless she is ready for all the other baggage that comes with it. I had my daughter at 19 years old, I really do not feel like becoming a grandmother before I am 40. 

She is a very talented girl, she was an awesome cheerleader. She was going to try out for a competitive gym, one that she has wanted to cheer for since 7th grade. Due to the recent lack of interest and other signs, I started to think something was up with her. She seemed to have no interest in anything but going out and hanging with friends every chance she got. That is normal for a 16 year old, but, the fact that NO ONE ever came to our house to spend the night and other things led me to the "light bulb" moment. But, I did not expect to find out everything I have learned over the last two days. 

I am only 35 years old, I can clearly remember what it is like to be a teen. I know what I did at 16, she just didn't seem to be the type that would be acting out like this. We have a stable family, she has everything any girl would want, a very nice car, no issues with drugs/alcohol in the family. My husband and I are at home most of the time, infact he stays home to help care for my mother (transportation to doctors offices, etc.) and to make sure she does not fall. I only work three days a week.....so there is plenty of supervision and support for her.

I never yelled or verbally abused her growing up, she has not been sexually abused, etc. No issues with abuse/neglect/absent parents. Although this type of history is not mandatory for the types of behavior she is displaying, kids with an abuse history tend to have more problems with drugs and alcohol. 

[choli]

Originally Posted by Julesmom16 

I never yelled or verbally abused her growing up, she has not been sexually abused, etc. No issues with abuse/neglect/absent parents. Although this type of history is not mandatory for the types of behavior she is displaying, kids with an abuse history tend to have more problems with drugs and alcohol. 

I think a certain amount of experimentation is normal at 16, and honestly, what you have described does not sound to me like a problem with drugs and alcohol, it sounds like experimentation. Certainly not something to be encouraged, but not a sign that she is headed to perdition on the fast track. I don't know a single person in real life that NEVER lied to their parents about there whereabouts at least a few times at that age, and I have no illusions that no doubt I've been lied to a few times by my teens.

I agree with Philomom - a two week grounding, and a serious discussion about expectations and the possible legal repercussions of what she has been doing. Also, instead of trying to control whether or  not she is sexually active, a serious talk about contraception and safe sex.
 

[AttunedMama]

There are books about how virginity as a construct is harmful to young people (women specifically). I read the first chapters of a book called The Purity Myth recently, maybe it would help you let go of (what sounds to me to be) a serious hang-up.

My appreciation for this bible you mention is purely historical and mythical. This is a diverse board, so please don't assume that I have or will or should read it. It's not exactly a feminist tale (read The Red Tent for a different spin on one of the bible's stories that may also be good for you as a female-identified parent of a female-identified child).

I am a genderqueer anthropologist, so that's kind of where I'm coming from. It 'sounds' to me like you are very addicted to your worldview and I'd, personally and academically, encourage you to engage actively to take a few steps back from all that. It does not look like fun to be so confined in your high-maintenance expectations and conditions for your child. I'd try to enjoy parenting a little more and broaden my own horizons. You seem desperate avoid blame and set yourself apart from those who you perceive to be unsavory. We're talking about two posts on a chat board, so it's an ultra-limited lens that I'm commenting on/through.

Good luck.

[eclipse]

AttunedMama, I'm with you on the whole "virginity" thing - maybe you can start another thread on it? I think it's an interesting discussion to have above and beyond the situation that this family is dealing with.

OP, I really do think you need to do your best to get over being so shocked that you can't look at her or talk to her. That sort of reaction from you could be very, very damaging. If you want to keep open the lines of communication, you need to be willing to communicate with her without making her feel like she's, I don't know, damaged goods in your eyes.

I don't know if it helps to hear - but I did my fair share of partying/pot smoking/hanging out with older guys/lying to my mom about where I was in high school. Still, I graduated from HS in the top of my class, graduated college in 4 years with honors, didn't get pregnant until I was married and planned the pregnancy (first was born the year I turned 25), worked at a decent job until I decided to become a SAHM, am neither a drug addict nor an alcoholic, etc. So her doing some experimenting and going a little wild doesn't mean she's on a path to a life that you wouldn't want for her. Honestly, most of the friends I went a little wild with ended up being very successful - doctors, lawyers, well known programmers in software and gaming, college professors, etc. So, yes, I get that you're upset that she has been lying to you and smoking pot/drinking. I understand being upset about that. But it isn't the end of the world. If you act like it's the end of the world, there's a darn good chance she'll start tuning out everything you say. I think you need to find a balance between expressing your disapproval and making her feel worthless.

[laohaire]

OP, coming at this from a slightly different perspective, if you overreact (and I'm not at all suggesting that you have nothing to react to), you change your daughter's perception of the situation away from "yikes, I really disappointed my mom" to "god, my mom is such a (fill in the blank with whatever)." So instead of reflecting on the situation, she'll just be angry with you. And if you get a teen angry with you, they don't generally feel the need to do what you want them to do, and in fact feel the urge to do the opposite.

So, react, yes. But don't overreact. And don't close the lines of communication. You remember being a teen? Good. Start thinking from that perspective again. Talk to her from that perspective. You've learned from some mistakes, right? Share with her what you learned, and how, and why. This is going to get through to her a lot better than you flipping out.

[AttunedMama]

Originally Posted by laohaire 

OP, coming at this from a slightly different perspective, if you overreact (and I'm not at all suggesting that you have nothing to react to), you change your daughter's perception of the situation away from "yikes, I really disappointed my mom" to "god, my mom is such a (fill in the blank with whatever)." So instead of reflecting on the situation, she'll just be angry with you. And if you get a teen angry with you, they don't generally feel the need to do what you want them to do, and in fact feel the urge to do the opposite.

So, react, yes. But don't overreact. And don't close the lines of communication. You remember being a teen? Good. Start thinking from that perspective again. Talk to her from that perspective. You've learned from some mistakes, right? Share with her what you learned, and how, and why. This is going to get through to her a lot better than you flipping out.

I think this is really good. I say, whatever feelings Mom (Dad, etc) is having are completely valid. They're feelings, after all. Where wise parenting (relating) takes effect is when we make the association..."Wow, I feel really freaked out/ashamed by my kid. What can I do to translate those feelings into response and 'policy' that does not damage our relationship?".

Personally, I was not able to appreciate groundings at the age of 16. That totally alienated me from my parents. I'm not saying that makes it the wrong call, I'm just reflecting.

[MamatoD]

I'm not the parent of a teenager but, your daughter sounds a lot like me at that age. My family life was very nice, I was well cared for, my needs were met. My family is very religious though, and with this came a lot of expectations of what was right and wrong, things that I didn't feel were justified simply by religious directives of right and wrong. As I questioned my parents religious stand points I also experimented with pot/ alcohol/ boys. My parents are great people, and I love them and appreciate everything they did for me, but in the end I'm not able to embrace the same beliefs. After going through questioning I see that  a lot of what they wanted for me was a good idea, I just have  different reasons for thinking so. In the end you don't have to agree with your daughters actions, but tell her you don't agree and love her regardless. Please encourage her to be responsible because you don't want her to get hurt physically or emotionally, not just because that is what the bible says. It's great to set limits and insist that she follow the law as she is not yet legally an adult, but it's not fair to shame your daughter for choosing a different path or questioning. BTW, I turned out okay, graduated from college waited to get married to have kids, as did most of the kids I hung out with at the time. I'm sure this is very stressful for you so, good luck. My only advice would be to think of the non-biblical reasons you want your daughter to reconsider her actions, encourage her to be safe, don't just forbid. I hope this is somewhat helpful.

[Marsupialmom]

IMO I think you have idealized your daughter.  You see her as being perfect without flaws this is a hard image to live up to -- not being perfect equals "failure" to you and her.  

You say she has great self esteeme, but IMO her behavior doesn't match a child with good self esteeme.  Her behavior does not equal abuse but does equal you all need help negotating the teen years. 

She broke your trust y'all as a family have to working on building trust with each other.  

[madskye]

She's still the same funny, happy, outgoing, good person.  But she lied to you and has damaged the trust between you.  I think it's important that you focus on the fact that you LOVE her and that you want only the best for her.  Not only that you're disappointed or that she is bad--her mistakes are pretty common for her age. 

Do you really think she has been smoking that much pot or do you think she was just talking big for the bf's benefit?  That's a big serious discussion in itself. 

Sex...it sounds like you're not afraid to talk about it, but maybe it's more important to focus on letting her know that sneaking around is never good--if she has serious feelings for someone and they reciprocate, it should all be above board enough for the boy in question to come to your home.  (And if he's in college, he should really be a man about it and come over and introduce himself.)  

I agree with you that you have plenty of cause to be concerned, but I'd be careful that you don't push her farther away when what you need to do now is draw her in a little closer.

[Drummer's Wife]

I feel like maybe you are over-reacting a bit here.  Not being able to look at her or talk to her?  That just seems so extreme, to me.  I feel bad for her, even though I know you are the one upset b/c you feel like your world has shattered and all that.  Really, what she is doing is typical behavior for many teenagers.  Not that it's ideal or responsible or near the best decisions she could be making - but these are learning opportunities for her.  How you react, or over-react, is going to impact what she does in the future, and whether or not she continues to lie to you about her whereabouts.  If she can't even have a conversation with you now after she's been "busted", b/c you are so pissed you don't want to deal with her, how on earth will she ever feel comfortable coming to you about something more serious than smoking a little pot and staying out after curfew? 

I would tell her your concerns, about breaking laws and not knowing where she is, but come from a non-judgmental place - so she doesn't feel like you think she is a bad person for the decisions she has made.  16 really is almost an adult, btw; in less than 2 years she could be living on her own answering to no one but herself.  That is why now is the time where she needs to realize that her actions could result in harm to herself, criminal charges, even teen pregnancy.  Speaking of, if she says she's not having sex, you might as well believe her.  Many 16 year olds are sexually active, but many are not.  According to my sociology textbook (just finished the chapter on sexuality) the majority of teens have in fact had intercourse by the time they graduate high school.  Sounds about right to me.  These are normal kids - not all heathens or whatever.  My point is that whether she chooses to have sex now, next year, the year after or at 21 on her wedding night, it's her decision and as long as she knows about contraceptives and the potential emotional aspect of sexual relationships, I would respect her choice. 

I guess it seems shocking when it's your own baby... one who you think is sweet and innocent; however, nothing that you posted seemed "shocking" to me with regards to your typical teen.  There are plenty more who do much, much worse, just as there are plenty that are content with staying home every weekend reading.  As long as you help guide her, instead of freak out, I think your DD will be just fine. 

[stik]

The fact that an attractive, outgoing 16yo has been fooling around with boys doesn't really surprise me.  I would believe her when she says that she isn't sexually active, but I wouldn't assume that statement would remain true under all circumstances she may encounter in the future.  It would be a good idea to have a serious conversation with her about birth control and STDs (even if she insists she has no need) and about the risks of combining drugs and sexual activity.  

I think you need to take a little time by yourself and recover from your reaction.  Your posts here emphasize everything you feel your dd has - car, loving family, status with her peers - but having stuff doesn't translate into instant happiness.  As a teacher, I encounter unhappy varsity cheerleaders on a regular basis.  I think you have to let go of the expectation that if your dd has everything she will be happy, and if she is happy, she will also be "good."  

Typical teenage mistakes are typical because a lot of kids make them no matter what their parents say.  But your dd hasn't changed into a different person.  If I were in your shoes, the college pot-head boyfriend would only be welcome to hang out with my dd in my living room, with me or my dh present.  Maybe we could all go to a movie together.  Or to do a family shift in the soup kitchen.  But my dd would not be going out with him alone, because he gave her pot.  I assume that he hasn't been providing the free weed just because he's generous.  I would have grave concerns that if the pot doesn't have the desired effect in the near future, he might make the leap to spiking alcoholic beverages.  I would be open about my concerns with my dd.  Honestly, I would kick him to the curb if I could, but who my dd is in a relationship with isn't something I get to control.  I can supervise, though.  A lot.  If it's true love he'll stick around, but I sort of doubt it.  

I'm also not a fan of grounding.  I think you have clear cause, and it's fair to do so in this situation.  You didn't know where your dd was, and she violated the local curfew laws.  So go ahead and ground her.  But it won't solve your problem here.  In addition to the grounding (or instead, if you haven't made announcements yet) I would fill your dd's weekend timetable for a while.  It's time to do that deep spring cleaning, or that community service project, and you need her help, obviously.  Plant a garden.  Paint the kitchen.  Check out three farmers markets and then make something time-consuming.  Take her with you for a while.  She needs a little parent-centering. 

 And start calling parents when she tells you she's going somewhere.  Trust, but verify.

[Annie Mac]

Like the PPs, I'm going to echo that you not over-react. Like the curfew thing. While it is technically breaking the law, it's not exactly in the same class as stealing a car, you know? Worst case scenario, the cops pick her up, call you & you go and get her. The end. I went through a few bad years with my teenage DD too (now grown up). It was really important for me to separate my own knee-jerk reactions from the reality of the situations. I also had to learn that she was very nearly an adult & had to learn to make her own decisions, be they good or bad. It wasn't my job to make them for her, it was my job to be there for her. 

Your dd lying to you about where she is -- she's essentially making her own decisions about where she is going to be and what she is going to do. Can you stop her from doing that? Not effectively. You can ground her, but I can tell you how well that (didn't) work for me -- or my own daughter. However, you *can* foster a good, open relationship with her wherein she feels comfortable calling you to come and pick her up if she finds herself in a bad situation, or even just discussing possible scenarios with you. If she thinks you are going to shut her down and judge her, she will still do those things but she won't come to you for assistance. 

I am going to very gently suggest you examine some of your own assumptions. You say your DD isn't "the type" to do these things.  You obviously have an image of a person attached to these behaviours. So, the fact that she's behaving this way, does that make her "the type" or does that mean that perhaps there is no type? The way you feel about this is going to drastically affect the way you feel about your daughter. 

[marinak1977]

My great grandmother, who was also a very religious and and observant person had this saying "No matter what your kids do they need to know that when they are in trouble they can come to you".
Yes, it can be tough when you think your child is making choices you don't agree with, but if I were in the OP's shoes, I'd focus on figuring out how to reconnect and support DD rather than my disappointment in her. Sure, she can be grounded for a while, but she will eventually find the way to make her own decisions and the OP won't have either the influence, nor the opportunity to help guide her.

[eclipse]

Originally Posted by stik 

I assume that he hasn't been providing the free weed just because he's generous.  I would have grave concerns that if the pot doesn't have the desired effect in the near future, he might make the leap to spiking alcoholic beverages..

I think this is a really big assumption. I smoked pot in my youth and I never once bought it - not because people were trying to get me in bed (esp considering that some people who would give it to me were female and hetero or male and gay) but because smoking pot tends to be a social/communal activity and (generally speaking) those who have, share. I think there's a huge jump between "Hey, wanna smoke out?" and "This girl won't do me either sober or high, so I'm going to drug and rape her" and I wouldn't assume that of any man without some sort of evidence to suggest it. That said, I think that if a young woman is dating at all, the date/acquaintance rape talk needs to be had. And along with that talk needs to be a clear expression of the fact that if someone tries to sexually assault her or actually does assault her, that she can come to a parent with it no matter what the circumstances were - was she drunk, smoking pot, at a bar with a fake ID, hanging out with a guy you'd told her not to have contact with, had she sneaked out after you thought she was in bed, had she willingly participated in some sexual contact before the assault? It's important for her to know that none of that matters and that she can come to her mother for help.

[philomom]

Originally Posted by eclipse 

Originally Posted by stik 

I assume that he hasn't been providing the free weed just because he's generous.  I would have grave concerns that if the pot doesn't have the desired effect in the near future, he might make the leap to spiking alcoholic beverages..

I think this is a really big assumption. I smoked pot in my youth and I never once bought it - not because people were trying to get me in bed (esp considering that some people who would give it to me were female and hetero or male and gay) but because smoking pot tends to be a social/communal activity and (generally speaking) those who have, share. I think there's a huge jump between "Hey, wanna smoke out?" and "This girl won't do me either sober or high, so I'm going to drug and rape her" and I wouldn't assume that of any man without some sort of evidence to suggest it. That said, I think that if a young woman is dating at all, the date/acquaintance rape talk needs to be had. And along with that talk needs to be a clear expression of the fact that if someone tries to sexually assault her or actually does assault her, that she can come to a parent with it no matter what the circumstances were - was she drunk, smoking pot, at a bar with a fake ID, hanging out with a guy you'd told her not to have contact with, had she sneaked out after you thought she was in bed, had she willingly participated in some sexual contact before the assault? It's important for her to know that none of that matters and that she can come to her mother for help.

Drugs and alcohol can impair your judgment.. leading you to do things you wouldn't normally do. I think it is fair to assume he's trying to get her to let her guard down.

[Annie Mac]

Originally Posted by philomom 

Originally Posted by eclipse 

Originally Posted by stik 

I assume that he hasn't been providing the free weed just because he's generous.  I would have grave concerns that if the pot doesn't have the desired effect in the near future, he might make the leap to spiking alcoholic beverages..

I think this is a really big assumption. I smoked pot in my youth and I never once bought it - not because people were trying to get me in bed (esp considering that some people who would give it to me were female and hetero or male and gay) but because smoking pot tends to be a social/communal activity and (generally speaking) those who have, share. I think there's a huge jump between "Hey, wanna smoke out?" and "This girl won't do me either sober or high, so I'm going to drug and rape her" and I wouldn't assume that of any man without some sort of evidence to suggest it. That said, I think that if a young woman is dating at all, the date/acquaintance rape talk needs to be had. And along with that talk needs to be a clear expression of the fact that if someone tries to sexually assault her or actually does assault her, that she can come to a parent with it no matter what the circumstances were - was she drunk, smoking pot, at a bar with a fake ID, hanging out with a guy you'd told her not to have contact with, had she sneaked out after you thought she was in bed, had she willingly participated in some sexual contact before the assault? It's important for her to know that none of that matters and that she can come to her mother for help.

Drugs and alcohol can impair your judgment.. leading you to do things you wouldn't normally do. I think it is fair to assume he's trying to get her to let her guard down.

 I'm going with Eclipse on this one. There is no evidence that this is a young man with nefarious intentions, who'd escalate to rape if he doesn't get his way. Plus, "boy in college" could mean someone as young as 17. We just don't know enough detail here to panic and make big leaps.
 

[eclipse]

Originally Posted by philomom 

Originally Posted by eclipse 

Originally Posted by stik 

I assume that he hasn't been providing the free weed just because he's generous.  I would have grave concerns that if the pot doesn't have the desired effect in the near future, he might make the leap to spiking alcoholic beverages..

I think this is a really big assumption. I smoked pot in my youth and I never once bought it - not because people were trying to get me in bed (esp considering that some people who would give it to me were female and hetero or male and gay) but because smoking pot tends to be a social/communal activity and (generally speaking) those who have, share. I think there's a huge jump between "Hey, wanna smoke out?" and "This girl won't do me either sober or high, so I'm going to drug and rape her" and I wouldn't assume that of any man without some sort of evidence to suggest it. That said, I think that if a young woman is dating at all, the date/acquaintance rape talk needs to be had. And along with that talk needs to be a clear expression of the fact that if someone tries to sexually assault her or actually does assault her, that she can come to a parent with it no matter what the circumstances were - was she drunk, smoking pot, at a bar with a fake ID, hanging out with a guy you'd told her not to have contact with, had she sneaked out after you thought she was in bed, had she willingly participated in some sexual contact before the assault? It's important for her to know that none of that matters and that she can come to her mother for help.

Drugs and alcohol can impair your judgment.. leading you to do things you wouldn't normally do. I think it is fair to assume he's trying to get her to let her guard down.

Why is this a fair assumption???