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16 yo daughter smoking pot, drinking, partying with college guys :( - Page 2

post #21 of 64

I'm gonna go with those who say pot is a communal thing. It's practically a law. You got it, you gotta share it. Other drugs, including alcohol, I'd say that was a fair assumption, but the social ritual of passing around a joint is radically different. If you have LSD or heroin you are going to be picky about who you share it with (because it's expensive and not as easily shared) and if you want to share, you may indeed have "motives." I think besides the cultural (hippie) aspect of weed, there's also the plain fact that it's smoke. With ecstasy you take a tab and it's gone, you don't share that particular tab - if you are sharing, you have to buy more tabs. With a joint, you take a drag but while you're working that drag through you, the joint's still burning. So it's almost a waste not to pass it around. I don't claim to have ever been a pothead, but sure, I've hit a bong or two in my life (one shaped like the Enterprise!!!!), but I've never bought, and I've never had anyone who provided weed try to take advantage of me. If it was just me and another person, it was my girlfriend, and if it was anyone else, it was a group of 5 or 8 people all just hanging.

post #22 of 64

I would be extremely upset in your position as well.  But the way you are responding is how my mother responded to my rebellion and drove a huge wedge between us and led to me doing worse things and getting better at lying about them.  I don't have an answer for you on how to respond, but I would tread lightly as your relationship is extremely important right now.

 

 

 

 

 

post #23 of 64

I've only read a few posts here, but I think I'd like to say my two cents...

 

I am 27 years old...it doesn't seem like it, but not long ago I was 16 and I was doing stupid crap.

 

I was raised Catholic. I was raised 'right' as some would say. I was taught to be respectful, mind my elders, show others respect at all times, heed what your parents tell you to do, especially when it comes to curfews and being truthful about where I was.

 

For the most part, I respected my mother's wishes because I respected my mother. I knew what it would do to her mentally if she knew that I had fed her a whopping lie. Not that I never got caught in a lie...

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's normal for teens to want to step out and into new territory. What keeps them stepping back into that world where you don't want them to go is YOUR reaction to them making these decisions.

 

Now there was no Facebook or Myspace or even cell phones when I was 16. There was also no such thing as "grounding" in our house, because our (my sister and my) rooms were laden with our TVs and other such fun things like our arts and crafts...it was useless to send us to our rooms. My mother would talk to us.

 

She didn't scream. She didn't forbid. She didn't do anything except explain to us the consequences of our actions. She explained to us how much it hurt her that we would lie to her. She explained to us how awful it would have been for her and everyone in the world who loved us if we had gotten ourselves into a situation we couldn't get out of all because we couldn't be truthful with our mother; the one we should trust and respect above all others.

 

Most of the friends I had growing up came from troubled homes...their parents tried to get a handle on their kids by restricting EVERYTHING. Most of the time, that doesn't work at all. It only makes them more rebellious. It forces them back into the company of the 'college-aged pot-smoking dudes' because those guys are 'hip' and 'cool' and they 'understand because Mom and Dad are Nazis".

 

I smoked a metric butt-ton of pot when I was in high school. I graduated with flying colors. I got into college. I was able to hold a job. I was able to get an apartment. I made my priority list and I stuck to it and I had an awesome life. I decided to quit after I got 'partying' out of my system. Don't be so quick to jump to conclusions about marijuana...yes it's illegal, but only because the government can't tax it because they can't regulate it's growth. It's not heroin or crystal meth. It's a natural plant that grows out of God's Green Earth. It's no where NEAR as dangerous as cigarettes or alcohol. My only reason for mentioning my opinion about pot is that it is NO WAY a reason for you to think that your daughter's life is ruined because she smokes a few blunts.

 

My only advice would be to not scream at her...don't call her a loser...don't take things away (seriously, I have no idea why people do this...it only makes things worse and makes kids lash out and rage even more...think about it, you take away a cell phone? You're basically saying 'the power to make a bad child into a good child is in the CELL PHONE!' You're giving it all the power, therefore absolving yourself or your child from any guilt or blame...works the same with video games, television, computer/internet, you name it).....don't try and 'tell her fortune' to her by saying that pot will mess up her life and turn her into a bum...you might as well start driving her to those parties yourself because that's where she's going to want to go if you keep telling her how bad and evil it all is.

 

Just let her know, in the kindest way you can, that what she is doing is hurting you as her mother. It's the whole "I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed"-thing...IT WORKS. Once she knows that her partying isn't about her...that it literally is causing you, her loving mother, grief and turmoil and worrying, the gears in her head will start working and she'll be able to better gauge what is more important at the time: getting high and partying or making sure that the woman who's devoted every waking moment to her well-being is in the right frame of mind.

 

(ps: and I think it's a total faux-pas to 'stop by on the way to the grocery' to make sure she's where she needs to be...the most important thing is to develop trust....by stalking her, YOU are sending her the wrong message...it's like you're saying "I DONT TRUST YOU AT ALL." Whether or not she's 16 and still a minor, she is a growing human being and she needs to learn what it is to be the trustee. By following her every move, you're only going to send her over the edge. Treat her like an adult and she'll BEHAVE like one.)

 

Love!

 

 


Edited by mammakatie - 4/4/11 at 7:58pm
post #24 of 64

i have to say that when i was 16 I used to crawl out of my window and drive my MOM"S car to go have sex with a 26 yo man! (a family friend I thought I was in love with)

I was STraight A- honor everything- scholarship to college etc. My mom had incredibly high expectations for me- don't know if that had anything to do with it or it was normal 16 yo behavior to be experimenting-

But I am a fine, SAHM- multiple college degrees, happily married, etc. I know I would be freaking if I were you- but i think i tend to freak! I have a raging thread right now on MDC about songs and their content--- my 10 yo listens to all of the songs on the radio- and let me tell you- there's some SHOCKING stuff on the regular radio- and I am not a prude!

I think I am trying to say maybe we both need to accept some deviant (or not even deveint, but for me just behavior we don't approve of) and do our best to guide and keep connections. Faith.

post #25 of 64

I have to admit with my drug use in the past getting in my pants was not the goal.  With pot and drinking it is often "share the wealth".   I know if I had a stash I shared it, just like my friends did.  We would also all chip in to buy and get high together.  At that age getting high was really a group activity.  

post #26 of 64

I have to agree with Eclipse, that isn't a fair assumption.  It could be a possibility but only one of many.  I think its a good idea to try to get to know this boy. 

post #27 of 64
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Originally Posted by eclipse View Post



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Originally Posted by philomom View Post



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Originally Posted by eclipse View Post



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Originally Posted by stik View Post

I assume that he hasn't been providing the free weed just because he's generous.  I would have grave concerns that if the pot doesn't have the desired effect in the near future, he might make the leap to spiking alcoholic beverages..



I think this is a really big assumption. I smoked pot in my youth and I never once bought it - not because people were trying to get me in bed (esp considering that some people who would give it to me were female and hetero or male and gay) but because smoking pot tends to be a social/communal activity and (generally speaking) those who have, share. I think there's a huge jump between "Hey, wanna smoke out?" and "This girl won't do me either sober or high, so I'm going to drug and rape her" and I wouldn't assume that of any man without some sort of evidence to suggest it. That said, I think that if a young woman is dating at all, the date/acquaintance rape talk needs to be had. And along with that talk needs to be a clear expression of the fact that if someone tries to sexually assault her or actually does assault her, that she can come to a parent with it no matter what the circumstances were - was she drunk, smoking pot, at a bar with a fake ID, hanging out with a guy you'd told her not to have contact with, had she sneaked out after you thought she was in bed, had she willingly participated in some sexual contact before the assault? It's important for her to know that none of that matters and that she can come to her mother for help.



Drugs and alcohol can impair your judgment.. leading you to do things you wouldn't normally do. I think it is fair to assume he's trying to get her to let her guard down.



Why is this a fair assumption???


I do not think it matters whether it is a fair assumption or not.  Alcohal and pot do cause people to lower some barriers.  I would caution a child that  drinking and smoking up does lower inhibitions.  I would go so far as to point out that there may be a line they do not want to cross - have one or 2 drinks but do not get so drunk you do something you might regret.

 

I also think carrying condoms around is not a bad idea.....

 

post #28 of 64


As a former wild child (whose mother made things worse) this is my take:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marsupialmom View Post

I have to admit with my drug use in the past getting in my pants was not the goal.  With pot and drinking it is often "share the wealth".   I know if I had a stash I shared it, just like my friends did.  We would also all chip in to buy and get high together.  At that age getting high was really a group activity.  

Very true. Lines up with my personal experience.
 

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by kathymuggle View Post

I do not think it matters whether it is a fair assumption or not.  Alcohal and pot do cause people to lower some barriers.  I would caution a child that  drinking and smoking up does lower inhibitions.  I would go so far as to point out that there may be a line they do not want to cross - have one or 2 drinks but do not get so drunk you do something you might regret.

 

I also think carrying condoms around is not a bad idea.....

 

Also true. I've talked to my DDs about drinking and sex, and always keeping their wits about them. The way I talk to them is influenced by the fact that one of my friends is a rape advocate and her typical survivor was wasted to the point of passing out.

 

However, I really think it's more true with drinking than with smoking pot. Pot smokers, for the most part, are a pretty mellow sort, not likely to become violent criminals.
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Julesmom16 View Post
In message between her and the boy that asked her to his prom (she is a sophmore) she said she had been smoking "3-4 blunts every Friday and Saturday, for two months straight". She apparently has been hanging out with a college freshman and his buddies. This guy has been GIVING my daughter pot, for free. She also said she has been drinking, fooling around with guys, etc. 

It sounds like she's has boyfriend and that they've been together for awhile. To rephrase what you wrote you could say "my DD has been involved with a boy since at least last spring. They like hanging out in groups with his other friends. I'm uncomfortable with it because he seems so much older than her. He pays for things they do. She's also smoking pot."

 

In some circles, paying for pot isn't really different than paying to see a movie. I wouldn't assume that a guy that has been interested in your DD for nearly a year is trying to get her stoned so he can get into her pants. If he were just about sex, there are easier and quicker ways to make it happen. I think it's possible that he actually likes her as a person. (she sounds likable)


And fooling around with a boy that she has been in a relationship with for months is really not the same as "partying with college guys."

 

I suspect that you said/did something to get cut out of your DD's trust a long time ago, and while I understand being VERY upset, I think that working on rebuilding a relationship with her *could* be one of the things you do. I think that will only work if you make peace with her boyfriend, and allow her space to be honest about the fact that she spends time with him.

 

And I used to exaggerate my substance abuse when speaking to my friends. It's very sad that some people are so insecure that they try to sound hip being doing so, but I wouldn't assume that she's smoking as much as she says she smokes. She lies. She lies to you and she may be lying to her friends. She may be lying to herself. She's going through the stuff. Try to get back on her side -- she needs you, she just doesn't think she does.

post #29 of 64
Quote:
Originally Posted by AttunedMama View Post

.

 

Briefly, "virginity" does not really...exist. Yes, it is a myth, but there's not some golden fleece that comes with it, no Masters Degree or free vacation. The power of VIRGINITY is purely of your own family's creation. Personally, I hope my daughter never even hears the word.



I agree. I've never used that word with my 17 year old dd. Intimacy and sex can be a gift to share with someone special. There is no "loss" here IMO. Rather, if done well.. ...a lot to be gained by sharing the experience.
post #30 of 64

OP, you sound a lot like my mom did when I was a teenager. My mom caught me doing a few things(not being where I was supposed to be, smoking, drinking, and so on) and she absolutely went through the roof. Shocked, appalled, acted like I had completely lost my mind and I was now a disaster.

 

But y'know, I wasn't. I actually wasn't a "wild child." Yes, I tried smoking. I never liked it. Yes, I drank, but I absolutely never got drunk. I was too scared to go that far with it. I was just trying it out. And yes, I did end up having sex. But I wasn't having tons of promiscuous sex with whoever. It was a carefully chosen select few, and I was safe about it. 

 

The thing was.... My parents had their values. I didn't have the same ones. That's just reality. I have my own boundaries, limits, morals, what have you. I just don't agree with my parents. I don't think drinking is bad, I don't think sex is only for marriage, and so on. 

 

My parents and I will never agree on these things. It's taken my parents(my mom especially) a lot of years to realize she just needs to let this stuff go. 

 

The issue you need to deal with is the lying. But at the same time..... to some degree you're putting her in a position where she can't be honest. What would happen if she told you she was thinking of having sex? Of drinking? Of smoking pot? How would you have responded? 

post #31 of 64


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by philomom View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by eclipse View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by stik View Post

I assume that he hasn't been providing the free weed just because he's generous.  I would have grave concerns that if the pot doesn't have the desired effect in the near future, he might make the leap to spiking alcoholic beverages..



I think this is a really big assumption. I smoked pot in my youth and I never once bought it - not because people were trying to get me in bed (esp considering that some people who would give it to me were female and hetero or male and gay) but because smoking pot tends to be a social/communal activity and (generally speaking) those who have, share. I think there's a huge jump between "Hey, wanna smoke out?" and "This girl won't do me either sober or high, so I'm going to drug and rape her" and I wouldn't assume that of any man without some sort of evidence to suggest it. That said, I think that if a young woman is dating at all, the date/acquaintance rape talk needs to be had. And along with that talk needs to be a clear expression of the fact that if someone tries to sexually assault her or actually does assault her, that she can come to a parent with it no matter what the circumstances were - was she drunk, smoking pot, at a bar with a fake ID, hanging out with a guy you'd told her not to have contact with, had she sneaked out after you thought she was in bed, had she willingly participated in some sexual contact before the assault? It's important for her to know that none of that matters and that she can come to her mother for help.



Drugs and alcohol can impair your judgment.. leading you to do things you wouldn't normally do. I think it is fair to assume he's trying to get her to let her guard down.


or she was like "hey I want to smoke some weed and you my college BF can get it more easily than I can!"....Seriously noweyesroll.gif

ETA if he was plying her with alcohol all the time urging her to get drunk I'd be way more concerned about "advantage" taking...

 

Also I'm sorry did someone say they smoked a bong the shape of the enterpriseROTFLMAO.gif

post #32 of 64
Quote:
Originally Posted by Julesmom16 View Post


 

I know this is long, sorry about that. Any advice on how to deal with this would be appreciated. So far we've taken her car, phone, and computer away and have grounded her for a month.

 

I know what I was doing at 16, I'm just SHOCKED that she is doing these things greensad.gif

 


It sounds like you already took positive steps to deal with it. She has broken your trust and now she has to deal with the consequences. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this.

 

post #33 of 64
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ldavis24 View Post

Also I'm sorry did someone say they smoked a bong the shape of the enterpriseROTFLMAO.gif



Yeah, that was me. One of the prouder moments in my life. I bought the owner of said bong a uniform shirt modeled after The Next Generation crew, officer color (red), that I found in a $5 discount bin at a media store. He declared it was the best present of his whole life. Ah, memories.

post #34 of 64
Quote:
Originally Posted by laohaire View Post





Yeah, that was me. One of the prouder moments in my life. I bought the owner of said bong a uniform shirt modeled after The Next Generation crew, officer color (red), that I found in a $5 discount bin at a media store. He declared it was the best present of his whole life. Ah, memories.


That's so cool. I wish I'd had the chance to do that, before I swore off pot for life...

 

I'm not addressing the fundamental issue of the OP's dd's behaviour, because OP and I are lightyears apart in our views, and I don't really know what to say. But, I'll also throw my two bits in about the whole "he's buying her pot to get into her pants" thing. Nope. I smoked pot for years. I smoked it heavily for 2-3 years, and more lightly/recreationally for about four (split before and after the heavy use years). In that time, I had lots and lots and lots of people buy pot for me - mostly guys, but a few girls, as well. Aside from my ex, who I was already having sex with before we ever smoked pot together, only one of those guys ever tried anything. And, that was because we were good friends, and he apparently thought I had much stronger feelings for him than I did. He backed off pretty quickly, kept smoking me up, and never tried anything again.

 

I'm not going to claim that no guy has ever bought a girl pot in the hopes that she'll sleep with him, but it's really not that common, or that likely, imo and ime. Pot smoking has a very different social dynamic than any other drug I've come across, and smoking each other up (at least that's how we phrased it in my long-lost teens) is just part of it. He/she who has money buys the pot, and he/she who has a desire to smoke it, smokes the pot. The degree of overlap varies wildly from one person to the next. (I rarely bought my own, because I had very little money.)

 

post #35 of 64
Quote:
Originally Posted by Storm Bride View Post




That's so cool. I wish I'd had the chance to do that, before I swore off pot for life...

 

I'm not addressing the fundamental issue of the OP's dd's behaviour, because OP and I are lightyears apart in our views, and I don't really know what to say. But, I'll also throw my two bits in about the whole "he's buying her pot to get into her pants" thing. Nope. I smoked pot for years. I smoked it heavily for 2-3 years, and more lightly/recreationally for about four (split before and after the heavy use years). In that time, I had lots and lots and lots of people buy pot for me - mostly guys, but a few girls, as well. Aside from my ex, who I was already having sex with before we ever smoked pot together, only one of those guys ever tried anything. And, that was because we were good friends, and he apparently thought I had much stronger feelings for him than I did. He backed off pretty quickly, kept smoking me up, and never tried anything again.

 

I'm not going to claim that no guy has ever bought a girl pot in the hopes that she'll sleep with him, but it's really not that common, or that likely, imo and ime. Pot smoking has a very different social dynamic than any other drug I've come across, and smoking each other up (at least that's how we phrased it in my long-lost teens) is just part of it. He/she who has money buys the pot, and he/she who has a desire to smoke it, smokes the pot. The degree of overlap varies wildly from one person to the next. (I rarely bought my own, because I had very little money.)

 

ohhh storm bride you were a mooch!winky.gif
 

 

post #36 of 64
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ldavis24 View Post

ohhh storm bride you were a mooch!winky.gif

 


Yeah...pretty much. I mostly didn't care that much whether I had pot or not, and didn't have much cash. So, my friends (who seemed to really like smoking with me) bought the weed. Looking back, I'm kind of shocked, actually. Mooching isn't my personality, at all.

 

post #37 of 64


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Julesmom16 View Post

I know the mother of the girl she was supposed to be with, we plan on talking with her very soon. This girl has had a few issues here and there, but I liked her and thought she was a pretty decent kid. The other friend (the one she was with in the car) I do NOT care for. In fact, she has changed a bit since meeting this girl. I have met her parents a time or two, but I TRUSTED my daughter so I did not see the need to call/check every time she was going somewhere.

 

I drove by that night to prove her father wrong, that is why I used the word SHOCKED. I am shocked, surprised, dissappointed. I would have never thought she was out and about doing these sorts of things. She is a very funny, outgoing, happy, loveable person. She has the qualities and personality of those people who go very far in life, unless she continues to screw up, blow off school and ends up in trouble with the law.

 

The curfew for a 16 yo driver is midnight, period. That is the state law. So, in the past two days I have learned that not only is she breaking rules, but multiple laws as well.

 

As for virginity, I personally do not understand your point that it is a "myth". Read the bible. I don't feel that Virginity=special powers, etc. Being a nurse, I have had NO ISSUES discussing sex, drugs, etc. with her. We have talked about it. I have raised her to respect her body and treat it well, not to fall for corny lines guys may throw her way, not to be easy, and not to have sex unless she is ready for all the other baggage that comes with it. I had my daughter at 19 years old, I really do not feel like becoming a grandmother before I am 40. 


She is a very talented girl, she was an awesome cheerleader. She was going to try out for a competitive gym, one that she has wanted to cheer for since 7th grade. Due to the recent lack of interest and other signs, I started to think something was up with her. She seemed to have no interest in anything but going out and hanging with friends every chance she got. That is normal for a 16 year old, but, the fact that NO ONE ever came to our house to spend the night and other things led me to the "light bulb" moment. But, I did not expect to find out everything I have learned over the last two days. 

 

I am only 35 years old, I can clearly remember what it is like to be a teen. I know what I did at 16, she just didn't seem to be the type that would be acting out like this. We have a stable family, she has everything any girl would want, a very nice car, no issues with drugs/alcohol in the family. My husband and I are at home most of the time, infact he stays home to help care for my mother (transportation to doctors offices, etc.) and to make sure she does not fall. I only work three days a week.....so there is plenty of supervision and support for her.

 

I never yelled or verbally abused her growing up, she has not been sexually abused, etc. No issues with abuse/neglect/absent parents. Although this type of history is not mandatory for the types of behavior she is displaying, kids with an abuse history tend to have more problems with drugs and alcohol. 

 

 

 

I didn't read all of the other responses, baby's about to wrap up nursing, but I wanted to provide a little perspective on the part I bolded...

 

While I didn't smoke pot until I was in college, I *did* party and drink in high school.  I also had consensual sex with my then-boyfriend when I was 17.  Absolutely no abuse--verbal, sexual, emotional, or otherwise--in my background...

 

And as for my performance in school while illegally imbibing, occasionally lying to my parents (and once getting *spectacularly* busted), and doing some partying on the weekends?  A three sport varsity athlete (varsity in each sport all 4 years of high school, and also captain of each for 2 years), 1st chair in band for the flute, all honors classes, graduated valedictorian with an A+ average, a 1510 on my SATs (including 800 on the verbal), admission to many selective colleges, including a few Ivies...and I think there was some more stuff, too.  (Man, was I a nerd or what? bag.gif)

 

Besides getting tired just typing what a little go-getter I was back in the day, my point in writing all this is to help you calm down a little bit and get some perspective about your daughter's behavior.  You have every right to be upset that she's lied to you and done things that are illegal and that are against your belief system.  HOWEVER, her actions don't mean that she's thrown her life away or that she is now an irredeemable drunken pothead party girl.  My parents always tried to interact with me rationally and calmly, and my punishment for the spectacular bust mentioned above (not that unlike your daughter's, actually) was measured and reasonable (even if I thought it was unreasonable at the time...)


I hope you're able to work things out with your daughter and punish her behavior in a way you see fit, but without doing so in a way that drives her to keep doing these things, but in a stealthier way.

 

Good luck!

 

post #38 of 64

I partied, drank, smoked pot, and had consensual sex in high school. And I lied to my mother every single day about it because I knew ithat if she found out she would take it really personally. I just wanted to experiment and do MY thing, it wasnt about her at all. I think its likely that you are feeling like because you have provided a "nice life" and "havent yelled", or you've "given her a car" you think that she is doing this TO you, as though you dont deserve this. Its really unlikely that she has ever thought about how you would feel, because teenagers dont usually care how their parents feel about things they never think they arent going to get caught doing. Id for sure not be asking her too much about her virginity. My mother patted me on the back while I was crying my heart out because my boyfriend broke up with me and she said, "Im so glad you didnt give your virginity away to him." I did. I never told her about any boyfriend again.

 

Personally, I think everything your daughter is doing sounds pretty normal for a 16 year old. Lots of them just dont get caught (I have a 13, 18, 19, and 20 year old sisters, so Ive known LOTS of stuff they are doing that they would NEVER tell Mama). Also, IMO, where I went to high school, the cheerleaders always partied, drank and had sex.

 

I know its devestating information to you, but if I were you I would be careful about demanding her facebook password and such. Just remember, its only two more years before she isnt obligated to tell you ANYthing, including her phone number or where she lives (I did that for about 6 months because my mother was so pushy and judgmental).

post #39 of 64
Quote:
Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama View Post

I partied, drank, smoked pot, and had consensual sex in high school. And I lied to my mother every single day about it because I knew ithat if she found out she would take it really personally. I just wanted to experiment and do MY thing, it wasnt about her at all. I think its likely that you are feeling like because you have provided a "nice life" and "havent yelled", or you've "given her a car" you think that she is doing this TO you, as though you dont deserve this. Its really unlikely that she has ever thought about how you would feel, because teenagers dont usually care how their parents feel about things they never think they arent going to get caught doing. Id for sure not be asking her too much about her virginity. My mother patted me on the back while I was crying my heart out because my boyfriend broke up with me and she said, "Im so glad you didnt give your virginity away to him." I did. I never told her about any boyfriend again.

 

Personally, I think everything your daughter is doing sounds pretty normal for a 16 year old. Lots of them just dont get caught (I have a 13, 18, 19, and 20 year old sisters, so Ive known LOTS of stuff they are doing that they would NEVER tell Mama). Also, IMO, where I went to high school, the cheerleaders always partied, drank and had sex.

 

I know its devestating information to you, but if I were you I would be careful about demanding her facebook password and such. Just remember, its only two more years before she isnt obligated to tell you ANYthing, including her phone number or where she lives (I did that for about 6 months because my mother was so pushy and judgmental).


This is so true!

 

My mother caught me and my then BF having sex during the middle of the day when we should have been at school.hide.gif Just about the most humiliating moment of my life but thats another story. Her reaction though was something that will always stick with me...She came upstairs when she got home from work that day and said to me, "why couldn't you have told me you were going to do this to me!" Yeah, score one for bad parenting mom. At that point I turned my ears off and ignored the rest of the speech I got. 

 

I think a lot of parents take it very personally when their kids do something stupid or that is not approved of. It probably seems like a reflection on their parenting skills..."Well if I had been better then DD or DS wouldn't have done this stupid thing..." I also feel like as a PP mentioned you are looking for anyone to blame besides you...I don't think that is wrong because you aren't to blame...It has NOTHING to do with YOU..It is your daughter doing what SHE wants. I don't think you can point the finger at other people (friends) or the fact that you gave her the "good" life... Cheerleading doesn't = good decisions (I never looked at a cheerleading as the place where the girls are making all the mature decisions anywayshrug.gif) or having a fancy car that she didn't even have to earn herself = being mature all the time. 

 

It must be hard to have your daughter making decisions that are so different from what you want for her. I imagine if my DD was anything like I was when I was teenager I would be upset and concerned because I did some really really stupid things as a kid...Stealing dad's SUV and joyriding in the middle of the night with friends, when I was FOURTEEN... I just know that I have to try to appreciate where she is coming from, she isn't thinking of her mother if she decides to have sex with her boyfriend or smoke weed with her friends, she is thinking of her own happiness in that moment, what a teenager thing to do.

 

post #40 of 64

I would ground for the lying/breaking rules. I would want to sit down and talk with dd about why she feels the need to do such things along with the drug use.

 

 

Ask her to talk about it. Even though she is not sexually active talk about the diseases she can get that have no cure and can affect fertility.Make sure she is aware of the risks of sexual activity and drug use. Not all people become addicts,but some do get hooked.You need only watch a few episodes of A&E Intervention to see how one small decision can  ruin your life.

 

I see no need for driving at 16,but that is just my personal preference for when my kids are older. I waited to drive and will make my kids do the same,and they will not be in a car with a teen driver.

 

Best wishes and I hope you can get through this without severing the mother/daughter bond. In a year or 2 she will be on her own and you just have to hope your parenting was enough to get her through the difficult choices she will be presented with.

 

I agree with kids being able to count on parents,but also draw the line.My brother is over 40 and my mom still *bails* him out.You don't want that kind of life!

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Mothering › Mothering Forums › Childhood and Beyond › Preteens and Teens › 16 yo daughter smoking pot, drinking, partying with college guys :(