16 yo daughter smoking pot, drinking, partying with college guys :( - Page 3

[JellyMomma]

I hope the OP hasn't been scared off...

Parenting a teen is HARD.  I feel for you -- it's not easy when we discover that our "perfect" children are not exactly perfect. 

This has been my tactic with my 13 (almost 14) year old.  I have no idea if it's going to work but it seems to be getting through to her:

Whenever I have an opportunity to bring up sex/alcohol/drugs/boys, etc.- for example while we're watching a TV show or movie about teens, I remind her that she's going to have a lot more control over her life in the coming years.  I tell her that once she's in HS, she's going to be exposed to lots of different kids, different ages, different attitudes and that it will be up to her to decide if she's going to experiment with drugs, alcohol, sex, and if so, at what age, and under what circumstances.  I tell her that all of the choices that she makes in the coming years can have serious consequences, but that they will be her decisions to make...I won't be with her 24/7 and the consequences will still be there, whether or not I know what she's doing.  I tell her to think seriously about what kind of person she wants to be, what her values are, what her goals are and how her actions will positively or negatively affect those goals. 

I can remember, as a teenager, my main concern was getting away with things and not having my parents find out.  I felt like it was smooth-sailing if I didn't get caught by my parents.  Of course, I still could have gotten pregnant, arrested, killed someone while driving drunk, etc. without my parents having a clue about my behavior.  I shared that with my dd.  I even used the example that you shared:  I told her that she can lie to me and tell me she's sleeping over at her friend's house while she's actually out doing whatever she wants.  Those are choices that she can make if she decides to. 

Of course I remind her about good grades, getting in to college (she already has her heart set on a certain school), careers, etc.  Those are all things she'll need to consider in the coming years.  I don't continually give these kinds of serious talks...only when they come up--there have been several opportunities for such talks in the last six months.  I don't want to overwhelm her with the idea of future responsibilities. 

Speaking of responsibility, one thing I didn't see mentioned in your post was a job--does your daughter have one?  I think it's really important for kids to have that responsiblity.  If she had to pay for her car insurance and gas on her own she'd need a job and she wouldn't have as much time to be out being irresponsible. A job in the real world is very different from the responsibility of school and chores.  Her employer doesn't care what she's done the night before or whether or not she's tired or hungover--only that she gets to work on time.  

Good luck...you've gotten some good advice from many others.  I agree with everyone who has said that if you overreact it will probably backfire.  She's still your little girl and she'll find her way.  It sounds like she desperately wants to be grown up but, like most teens, doesn't want the responsbility that comes with it... she's trying out what she thinks are grown-up/college age behaviors.  Try giving her other ways to be responsible and act like an adult -- let her make more choices about her life/future, tell her she needs to get a job, start asking more of her at home (does she do her own laundry, cook some of the family meals, etc?)... If you start treating her like an burgeoning adult, hopefully she'll rise to the occasion. 

[McGucks]

Julesmom16:  I get it.  I have a son who is nearly 16 and I well understand the feelings of disappointment you have in your daughter.  There is not just one issue, there are many.  Some are ethics-based and some are safety-based--and some are both.  We do the best we can for our children and hope our efforts can inoculate them from things we wish they would avoid; reality is, though, that as they further evolve into adults, they will make mistakes.  I shudder to think of the things I did at her age and older.  Your daughter needs to know that you do love her, regardless...but, as a mom of a teen, I am painfully aware of how that love changes as our children age.  I do not judge you for saying you can't even look at your daughter--I have been there.  It's not how we want to feel about our children, but it is sometimes my reality, too.  And hey--thumbs up to you for checking up on your daughter and uncovering all of this.  Many, many parents would not have.  Hopefully, what you have found out will open some communication between your husband, you, and your child.  Parenting a teen is not for the faint of heart.  Good luck.

[Sorilla]

Thank you so much everyone for your posts. It really helps me with my own issues, just wanted to say a BIG thank you all!

[mtiger]

Originally Posted by caedenmomma 

Julesmom16:  I get it.  I have a son who is nearly 16 and I well understand the feelings of disappointment you have in your daughter. 

<snip>

I do not judge you for saying you can't even look at your daughter--I have been there. 

I think there are times when we are all disappointed with the choices our kids make. But to the point of being  unable to even *look* at them? I can't see that unless they had done something like commit murder. And even then... I would feel compelled to look at them to try and figure out where I screwed up.

 

Originally Posted by JellyMomma 

Parenting a teen is HARD.  I feel for you -- it's not easy when we discover that our "perfect" children are not exactly perfect.

I'm going to disagree. I actually have found that parenting my teens was MUCH easier than parenting little ones. As teens, they are people you can actually talk to, reason with. Yes, you really can. As long as you stop treating them as 5yos.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by mtiger 

I think there are times when we are all disappointed with the choices our kids make. But to the point of being  unable to even *look* at them? I can't see that unless they had done something like commit murder. And even then... I would feel compelled to look at them to try and figure out where I screwed up.
 

I don't get that either. To me, it smacks of conditional love. It's like saying "I loved you when you were little cute and easier to control. Now that you have a mind of your own and driver's license, not so much."

I'm finding teens easier than adolescents. My kids are saner post puberty than during puberty. 

[mtiger]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 

I don't get that either. To me, it smacks of conditional love. It's like saying "I loved you when you were little cute and easier to control. Now that you have a mind of your own and driver's license, not so much."

I'm finding teens easier than adolescents. My kids are saner post puberty than during puberty. 

Exactly. I have LOVED being a parent of teens. Do we have our moments? Of course we do - heck, I still have moments with MY Mom, and I'm hardly a teen! But for the most part? They are reasonable people. Yeah - they kind of expect to be treated like the young adults they are. What a shocker.

[Lisa1970]

Sounds like you are doing everything right on taking the car, phone, internet, etc. But, I would not do it for just a month. I would make her earn everything back and not allow her to ever go back and continue those friendships, or the friendships of anyone who helped her coverup. So if the friend she was supposed to be at was lying for her, not that friend either. But it will take more than a month to sever those ties. 

[Lisa1970]

BTW, I completely understand not wanting to even look at her when she betrayed you. It is ok to have feelings and reactions. You do not have to go around with a smile on your face and act like it does not matter. It does. She lied to you, she betrayed you. It will take time for her to rebuild your trust and she should know it. That is not about love. You can love your child while being angry. Not like you are telling her you hate her. You are saying you hate her actions, which is different. I think it would be a huge mistake to put a smile on your face and pretend none of what she did matters. She needs to know what she has done.

[eclipse]

Forcing your child to sever friendships that are important to them is a great way to get them to continue the friendships without telling you. And then you have no influence over them whatsoever. I know my teenage response to "you can't talk to/see/be friends with" whomever would have been "yeah, sure, whatever mom" - and then I would have done exactly what I wanted to do without her having any idea it was going on.
Edited by eclipse - 4/24/11 at 10:40am

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by eclipse 

Forcing your child to sever friendships that are important to them is a great way to get them to continue the friendships without telling you. And then you have no influence over them whatsoever. I know my teenage response to "you can talk to/see/be friends with" whomever would have been "yeah, sure, whatever mom" - and then I would have done exactly what I wanted to do without her having any idea it was going on.

agreed. It's also a great way to have them leave home the minute they can and not speak to you for years. (which is what I did with my overly controlling parents.)

[SubliminalDarkness]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 

agreed. It's also a great way to have them leave home the minute they can and not speak to you for years. (which is what I did with my overly controlling parents.)

Same thing here. I look back, and what I did may have been 'wrong,' but relatively speaking it was minor. I was not completely out of control or reckless, I was just doing things my parents didn't agree with. My relationship with my mom has never been the same, and I don't think ever will be. 

[mtiger]

Originally Posted by Lisa1970 

BTW, I completely understand not wanting to even look at her when she betrayed you. It is ok to have feelings and reactions. You do not have to go around with a smile on your face and act like it does not matter. It does. She lied to you, she betrayed you. It will take time for her to rebuild your trust and she should know it. That is not about love. You can love your child while being angry. Not like you are telling her you hate her. You are saying you hate her actions, which is different. I think it would be a huge mistake to put a smile on your face and pretend none of what she did matters. She needs to know what she has done.

But there is a way of doing that without shunning her.

[eclipse]

There's a difference between be angry/upset/disappointed and "not even wanting to look at" someone. One is reasonable, the other is not.

[AttunedMama]

Originally Posted by Lisa1970 

BTW, I completely understand not wanting to even look at her when she betrayed you. It is ok to have feelings and reactions. You do not have to go around with a smile on your face and act like it does not matter. It does. She lied to you, she betrayed you. It will take time for her to rebuild your trust and she should know it. That is not about love. You can love your child while being angry. Not like you are telling her you hate her. You are saying you hate her actions, which is different. I think it would be a huge mistake to put a smile on your face and pretend none of what she did matters. She needs to know what she has done.

"Betrayed" is both incendiary, and erroneous in this context. To do any betraying, the daughter would have to be violating some sort of agreed upon pact/contract. I gather that the daughter has not voluntarily promised her mother control over her sexuality(ew), and therefore "it" is hers to do what she wishes with.

No, she doesn't need to smile about it, she needs to be the adult and show some respect.

[Adaline'sMama]

The responses in this thread make me so sad. I had a really controlling mother, and like Linda I didnt talk to her for several years in my 20's. Now that Ive had a child, Ive had to cut her out of my life for other reasons. I just want to say that you cannot control your 16 year old in any manner that will leave her respecting and trusting you. You CANNOT tell someone who is almost an adult who they can and cannot be friends with. They will hate you for it. My mother wouldnt let me go to prom with my older boyfriend in high school because she thought I was "too young" and she "wasnt stupid" she "knew what kinds of things kids did on prom night." I still regret not going and losing my virginity to my high school love on his prom night in his bedroom because his parents we out of town. Instead, I lost my virginity to him a few nights later in the back of his Nissian Pathfinder. I think we went to a concert (told my mother it was a movie, even bought movie tickets to show her the stubs) and took extacy and had sex the back of his car in a crowded parking lot.

Did her controlling what I could do and what I couldnt really prevent anything? No. All it did was make the memories I have of my teens all things I could never share with her because almost everything I told her was a lie. Because if I told her the truth about anything, Id be told "Go to your room , I cant even look at you right now." Which is what she said to me the night I came home after having sex with my best friend (I was almost 18!) and she forced me to show her the contents of my purse to prove to her I wasnt smoking pot and she instead found a condom wrapper. She came to the assumption that Id lost my virginity that night. *HA* To this day Ive never told her anything different.

[feral007]

I agree that you should have your boundaries, but I do think that you need to increase the amount of control teens have over their own life.  I've got 2 boys thru to 18 yo - feels like a lifetime and I have had many hard words with them from both sides.  But we still talk.  When I've calmed down and they have then we do talk.  Now they have crossed the line to being technical adults (still unable to get out of bed in the mornings tho!) I still have them coming to talk to me.  This week one son has been trying to get me to agree to him getting a motorbike permit instead of learning to drive a car.  This is a big thing for me as a friend of mine died on a bike when I was a teen.  He has come to me to talk about it - I've told him I'll listen to him, and I look at the websites he shows me - but I've also told him I will never change my mind!  I think the thing to remember is that they do have their own views on things.  You don't have to agree with them or them with you - but being able to talk is really the important thing imo.  I do understand not wanting to look at your teen - I've been known to tell mine I can't bear to be with them and go to my room!  Ali

[tysonk]

The main issue I'd take, besides the lying, is the fact that she's hanging out with older guys. Granted, she hasn't done anything wrong, nor does that mean she will. In fact being around older kids can have a positive influence on her, but not those kind of kids. For normal guys, hanging out with girls four years younger than you isn't normal, and it isn't accepted either. Even if a guy was hanging around with a younger girl, he certainly wouldn't let his friends know. That's what worries me, what kind of guys willingly hang around highschool girls? It reminds me vividly of Matthew McConaughey in Dazed and Confused, a sleazeball. Now you and I no doubt have different views on morality, I don't see a child smoking weed as an issue, granted there are certain circumstances (All A's/B's, no truancy, no school trouble), however I do see a very serious potential problem. Your girl is 16, she is young and inexperienced, and hanging around a bunch of sleazeballs while you're young and inexperienced really, really isn't a good thing. She has self control, weed will never take that from her, but alcohol will. It's easy when you're partying to drink, even if she doesn't like it. Weed certainly isn't a good influence in that regard, but again I wouldn't blame the weed or her for that, that's an entirely different issue. I'd sit down with her and talk to her about these guys. You can't force her to not hang around with them, trying to do so will make it worse, but let her know that guys can be disgusting. 

The weed is an entirely different thing, and to put it in perspective a bit, your daughter isn't smoking very much. It's good, really really good (well.. better), that she's a weekend warrior instead of smoking it all the time. It says to me that she know's a bit about responsibility and keeping her life in check. Weed itself isn't going to make her grades go down the drain, but it's the mentality I see with so many kids that goes along with it. Many, many many kids start smoking and develop this attitude, and they just stop caring. It's not the weed, but the desire to look like they don't care, either for themselves or for their peers. When I was in highschool, that never happened to me, I got my butt kept in check. If I was going to smoke weed and party at 2'o clock in the morning, I damn well better have straight A's, so I did.

What I'd be concerned with now is any future drug use, drugs that can cause serious problems. Many say weed is a gateway drug, while it certainly isn't, those who smoke weed certainly can act like gateways, providing your daughter with actual, harmful drugs. Currently what disgusts me the most would be Xanax, if you've ever seen a 17-year-old girl on a few Xanax bars, you'd know why. There is no "No" on benzos, and you won't even remember it in the morning. 

Also the curfew law, she has broken, but that is trivial. If she's out on your permission (whether she was at the time or not) a court can do nothing, a prosecutor will not prosecute you because he knows it won't last an appeal.

[jdsf]

Well, I don't know how helpful this is nearly 2 months later, but I can tell you that this is not all that unusual. I, personally, would never let either of my daughters become a cheerleader because this is the exact same story I have heard from every high school cheerleader I knew in high school and in college. The more "popular" you are, the more likely you are to be peer pressured into these types of situations. For whatever reason, college boys seem to love to hang out with high school cheerleaders, and I recall many a wild party in high school where the drunk/half naked girls were all cheerleaders with college boyfriends. Of course, I went to an affluent high school, so this probably is not the case with every group of cheerleaders, but there is this pervasive mentality that you have to fit in and acquiesce to pressure in order to maintain your status.

Your kids will make bad decisions. Your kids will lie to you. But they still need to know they can trust you when they get in a situation where they are in over their heads.

[HockeyMom654]

I am sorry for your problem. A few tips - you do not demand her facebook password. You can monitor her facebook behavior and other online stuff (email, IM) w/o touch her computer. I know there is a website called www.LockItTight.com which provide a monitor tool to track your lost PC. I have been using it to check my kids behavior w/o check her pc everyday. I have been using it for a year and very convenient. Actually there is a sibling site called www.JuniorWatch.com which is specialized for monitoring kids too.

[Mrs. Bratton]

Sounds like you are doing everything right on taking the car, phone, internet, etc. But, I would not do it for just a month. I would make her earn everything back and not allow her to ever go back and continue those friendships, or the friendships of anyone who helped her coverup. So if the friend she was supposed to be at was lying for her, not that friend either. But it will take more than a month to sever those ties.

Oh goodness. I could not disagree more. That is awful. My very best friend in high school's mom did this. We all hated that woman and still do and my friend will never be able to have an open honest relationship with her mother. She simply has a different set of morals than her mother and her mother thinks that anyone who does things differently than her is going to hell. Her mother was making untrue assumptions about us. We were good kids at heart. We just smoked a little pot and had a little fun. We all outgrew it! Just like most people do. Her mom immediately put her in counseling for her non-existent drug/alcohol addiction. The whole thing was ridiculous. Her mom just had this warped idea that pot was some serious, horrible, 'dark' thing and that we were getting high in back allies and selling our bodies for pot money or something, lol.

I also disagree that she betrayed her mother. She simply made some, possibly irresponsible, decisions that her mother doesn't agree with and lied about it b/c she knew her mother would over react. I would address the consequences of some of her decisions and take the lying more seriously.