Just seeking hugs as we explore this journey.

[Thandiwe]

I haven't been on here much lately; honestly it's been very painful for a couple of months.  Here's our story.  Just recently, we've begun healing enough to consider maybe doing foster care again.  Truth is, we weren't seeking foster care out when it landed in our laps nearly 3 years ago.  But now that we've had so much experience, I am finding that we kind of want to do this again.  Except this time, we will go through it with the mindset that the child will leave, either back to parents or to an adoptive home.  That way, the conversation in our home is a lot more stable, the emotions are less raw, and we will be able to function like a normal family.  I don't think we'll plan on adopting; we're not seeking more children permanently, just to offer hands-on support in an area we have become very educated about and where we can make an impact.

This is big for us.  Like I said, we weren't really seeking it out originally.  But now that we've done it, we keep going, maybe we could do it again, only more stable emotionally, lol!  After she left, we swore we would never do this again.  And our boys have said they don't want to do it again.  Honestly, though, they were hurt a lot more than they should have been because we talked about the possibility of her staying.  There are so many things we would do differently this time around.

So...I guess just seeking support.  We've been licensed directly through DHS so far, but we have a meeting tomorrow with the licensing supervisor of a private agency about 10 miles from our home (big difference, considering our license is currently held 110 miles from our home!).  I guess, here we go.  We'll see how it goes tomorrow.  If we like it, we're contacting our current license-holders and having them transfer the case up to the prospective holders.  And go from there....  Unfortunately, our license is up in June and everywhere we've called, there isn't any training scheduled.  Since we weren't going to do this, we never attended our annual trainings.  Some of it can be done by books, but the rest needs to be in person.  That will be the biggest obstacle, I think.

[CrunchyChristianMama]

You guys have been through a lot, but it's so wonderful to see that you are still willing to open your home up to kiddos who need it.  Hopefully this can be a more positive experience moving forward. 

[Thandiwe]

I think so, CCM.  I think changing our thought process will be big.  For myriad reasons, we walked through the last case believing she would stay, and it did no one any good.  This time, I think we are prepared, through experience, to approach it in a much healthier fashion.

[CrazyCatLady]

I have no experience as a foster parent, but I wanted to send hugs anyways.

My daughter is currently in the system and it's been a really negative experience.  However, my daughter's foster mom is amazing.  She really does care about my daughter and seems to be doing the very best she can for her.  It's been such a relief and has done wonders for keeping me sane during this whole ordeal.  I can't even put into words my gratitude towards her (though I've never even met her).

I remember your story and it was so heartbreaking.  I think the fact that you are considering fostering again says so much about you.  Thank you (and every other good foster family out there) for what you do and sacrifice for those kids.  And good luck on whatever you and your family decide.

[queenjane]

What ages are you considering? Just curious!

[Thandiwe]

That is something we're still considering.  I think we're considering under 1 years old.  I know it limits us, and I know it's a lot more work, but I just feel like that might work best in our family.  My oldest child can be a bit of a handful at times, and I don't know that introducing another preschool/school age-ish child into the mix would be a good idea.  Because of some training issues, I think our license might lapse, which means that we just might not get a placement until later in the summer.  H would be closer to 1.5 years old by then.

[queenjane]

I think a newborn or very  young toddler (around one) would fit best here too. The boys are now three and LOVE babies, and i think another toddler added to the mix would disrupt the balance we have going on. I suppose i could see myself adopting a girl around 4-6 yrs old, but frankly not sure i want to jump back into the older child thing anytime soon.

[Smithie]

Wow, Thandiwe! Big news!

Our license should come through in about two weeks (finally finally finally), and it would be great to have you along for this journey! So I am selfishly excited that you are considering jumping back in the foster pond. 

[Polliwog]

You know that I'll support whatever decision you make. I'm hoping for an infant placement in the next few months, even though there's a fresh batch of foster parents just finishing their training classes.

[Thandiwe]

Well.  We had the chance to think long and hard about it, and we decided to put it on hold for right now.  I think my husband and I both agreed that we're *ready* emotionally to do it, and we've found the agency we're interested in holding our license through.  But I stopped classes towards my Bachelor's degree when I was pg with my oldest, back in 2005.  I have about 3, maybe 4 semesters left until I'm done.  So I'm going to work hard and finish that before we make any other changes to our family.  I know that it would be too much for us - and too much stress on a fosterling - to go to school, raise our 3 monkeys, and homeschool too.  Not shutting the door, just letting the license lapse with the hope of picking it back up in a couple of years.  Perhaps by then we'll own our first place and won't have to wrangle with a landlord to allow us a temp tenant too.

Thank you all for the hugs and encouragement as we explored this idea.  I have felt a pull towards CASA, and that may be the route I look to once I get a feel for how challenging college is with 3 kids.  It's a lot less time-intensive than fostering 24/7.  Once again, thank you!! 

[Polliwog]

I think you're making a wise decision based on everything you have going on right now.  As for the renting, I've always rented and have never seen a rental agreement that would interfere with fostering (as long as you are meeting local occupancy rules for numbers of people.)

[queenjane]

I've never asked a landlord about a fc. I figured it wasnt much their business.

[Thandiwe]

Well, in our lease, each person added on after signing is $100 extra per month, plus additional water share.  And I know when we moved up here, our licensing worker stressed that I ask several times about it when we signed our lease.  I guess she's seen it be an issue a few times. 

I do think *for this moment* it is the right choice.  I really don't want to get overwhelmed and not be a good mom to my boys or bring more stress into the life of a fosterling. 

[queenjane]

So if you were to give birth to a baby, that would raise your rent by a hundred bucks?! And increase your water bill (i dont pay water, and i rent a 4bd house)?! Thats amazing to me...if you had twins, your rent would increase $200?? I've never heard of such a thing! Any chance to buy a house anytime soon?? The market is sure in a good place right now.

[Thandiwe]

I know, it is crazy, right?  When I had H, the property manager was really good and didn't bother sending the info through to headquarters, so he wasn't put on the lease.  Management has been acting really weird around here lately, so I don't know.  Maybe they would/maybe they wouldn't throw a fit.  If the space wasn't perfect for us, and we had the cash to move, I would consider moving.  But we're just starting to get our feet on the ground following some poor money decisions in the past, so.... we wait.

I don't really think they should be able to have the right to say no, as long as you're within legal spacing limits, like you guys say.  I wonder if anyone has actually had this issue, or if it is just my paranoia?  When we moved in, we already had dfd, so I was clear with them up front and they listed her in the lease as FD.

[Polliwog]

I've rented in four states and never heard of such a thing. It's really strange. I live in a college town and could see that being a rule for adults but for a child?

[Irishmommy]

Originally Posted by Thandiwe 

And our boys have said they don't want to do it again.  Honestly, though, they were hurt a lot more than they should have been because we talked about the possibility of her staying.  There are so many things we would do differently this time around.

I think you need to listen to them. Even with doing things differently, they are saying no. That should bear an awful lot of weight.

And that is coming from someone whose parents fostered (one child, for the wrong reasons, and didn't listen to their own children say no), and as a former foster parent whose bio kids loved fostering.

[Thandiwe]

I think you're right here.  We're in a central city with two major universities, and although it doesn't specify in our lease, I'll bet you're right that it's speaking to adults and not kids.
 

Originally Posted by Polliwog 

I've rented in four states and never heard of such a thing. It's really strange. I live in a college town and could see that being a rule for adults but for a child?

[Thandiwe]

This is very true, Irish.  We always take their preferences into account on everything else, this should be no different.  Thank you for sharing your experience.
 

Originally Posted by Irishmommy 

I think you need to listen to them. Even with doing things differently, they are saying no. That should bear an awful lot of weight.
 

[Polliwog]

It's important to listen to your kids but sometimes they just don't know what to expect. From Day 1, you were told that Baby J was staying with you. So, that's what your kids were thinking, too. The next time would be different. Not saying that it's the right time at all. Just my thoughts du jour.