Just seeking hugs as we explore this journey. - Page 2

[tiffani]

thought I already gave you a cyber hug here, guess I read but didn't reply, so hugs, belatedly :-)         It's good to listen to your kids to some degree, but my son was all over the place about our adoption, depending on his feelings on any given day... I can't really imagine basing my family growth strategies on a child -- nor do I think it's fair to them to put that weight on them, really... if they had a really valid reason for not wanting to foster or adopt, I would certainly consider it, but I think it's always scary for a kid to contemplate EVERYTHING CHANGING, and if they know you want to add kids (or foster temporarily) and they say no, that's a pretty heavy burden for them to carry around... for my son it was anyway, he felt awful voicing his concerns, because he knew our little ones had no family, but he did manage to cry out his concerns, we talked about it, and he felt better.  I guess that's different from a child insisting that it shouldn't happen, but really, this is one area where I think the parents can take the kids feelings into consideration, but I think it's strange to not foster/adopt just because a child doesn't want it to happen (again, unless they have a very good reason and are old enough to discuss it rationally...)  I've heard people say that before "we wanted to adopt but Junior didn't want us to, so we didn't..." ... I think that's weird. :-)

[Thandiwe]

Very good point, Tiffani.  I think in most normal circumstances that is true; I do certainly agree that parents have to take the overall picture in.  I think right now, my kids - particularly my very keen, very intuitive nearly 6 year old - are just past fragile.  After dfd left in December, we had to really get through a lot of pain.  I think for them, after 2.5 years of struggle and disruption - (because, really, the whole case was hugely disruptive, NOT dfd, but rather the case, given that we were first 45 minutes from visitation and then 2 hours from visitation for the final 1.5 years) - the thought of foster care is traumatic.  They are still processing the pain of seeing her pictures and daily reminders left behind.  It's been 2 months now since we've had any contact at all with her mom (it was very limited texting for a small space of time, then she stopped responding), so now we're in the new territory of knowing that she's out of our lives for good, barring any miracles.

I do think for us, the decision has been larger than just their emotions.  I do try hard to take them into consideration and weigh whether or not they're being rational.  But I'm also heading back to school and still homeschooling full-time, in addition to 4 other volunteer positions I'm currently holding.  I fear - as does my husband - that I may become a very stressed out mama if I get anything else on my plate right now.  And then no one - most notably a foster child - would benefit.  :(  This is definitely something we plan to revisit in the future.  We've found a really good local agency and are very happy with them from our interactions so far.  But maybe once the kids are a little older and we've had some time and distance between us and this last case.

Thank you for the hugs, Tiffani.  I really appreciate them! 

[tiffani]

Oh for sure, I think your whole family deserves the space to just BE for a while, without the upheaval and change that even a smooth foster placement brings.  I was just responding to the idea of giving kids more of a say in the do/don't discussion than I think is healthy for anyone, but each case is different for sure.  I'm not surprised your kiddos wouldn't want to foster right now... maybe as they get older and can understand what happened with your baby girl, and how fostering would be different in the future...   congratulations on going back to school, I often wonder when I'll get around to doing that myself. :-)

[Thandiwe]

I'm starting to wonder if I'm crazy, lol.  But when we had to move a couple summers ago, we ended up about 15 minutes from my university.  Considering I used to be about 2 hours away, I figure I don't have an excuse anymore, lol. 
 

Originally Posted by tiffani 

congratulations on going back to school, I often wonder when I'll get around to doing that myself. :-)