My neighbor/friend and safety

[scottishmommy]

I'm fortunate to live in the same apartment building with a really great family who have a Kid who is the same age as my DD. The parents are the same age as we are and have similar interests. They are both very well educated, sensible people. My only issue is that I feel like they are a little lax on safety. Now I need to admit that I am very diligent about safety. Our house is very well baby proofed, we are getting a new car so I can keep DD in a rear facing car seat until she's at least 3 or 4 and in general we are very paranoid about fire hazards, carbon monoxide etc, etc. I admit that I may be over the top, but I figure that DD is more likely to die in a accidental death than anything else.
My neighbors, on the other hand don't seem to see danger the same way. For one thing they turned their DDs carseat when she was around 15 months, even though she weighed less than 20 lbs. I thought this was odd because the mom and I had talked about how much safer kids are in a rear facing carseat. They also regularly leave windows wide open with only a screen down. In our apartments we have window seats under a large bay window (DH and I pulled the window seat out because we were concerned about a fall hazard). A child could easily climb up on the window seat and fall several stories. In our city there are warnings everywhere about not opening your windows more than a few inches if any. Children falling is a big problem here.
I also notice that there are balloons in their DDs toy bin, and once I saw some in her crib! I've always been told that balloons are a major choking hazard. I never let DD play with them. Then there are littler hazards. Today I noticed two large button pins in the toy box that were open. I've also seen dozens of choking hazards (little play lipsticks, life-size play peas, grapes etc.) Their house is immaculately clean, so these items aren't just lost in the clutter.
Am I totally overacting, or would this make y'all uncomfortable? Should I say something, or should I just have paydays in my unit instead?

[mommariffic]

These all seem pretty minor. If anything was to be mentioned I'd say the car seat thing - maybe mention your new car (unless she already knows) and your reasons behind getting it. Otherwise open windows and little bits on the floor wouldn't bother me....an open window w/out the screen would be a call for concern, but I have my windows open all the time (second floor as well) and don't think twice about it -- the screens are locked and are in good condition. 

How old are your kids? I know my DD has tons of little play food and even with a nine month old it can get on the floor ... maybe her child isn't the type to put things in the mouth? 

[new2this]

IMO none of it is something I would say anything about. It would be a mind your own business type thing. 

As far as play dates I would just do them in your place or at a park or something since it does seem to bother you. While a lot of the stuff I wouldn't do as I try to be safety minded to a certain extent. I also am not way overboard. Even the car seat thing I really wouldn't mention unless they asked. 

[PoppyMama]

Nothing there concerns me except the window. Screens are no safety feature imp. They can be cut or fallen through... or like my ds did recently a loose corner can be bent out. Luckily we are ground floor.

[CrazyCatLady]

Some kids don't put stuff in their mouths.  My daughter not only had poor vision, but sensory issues.  So for her putting things into her mouth just wasn't something that happened. 

The car seat thing is legal, even though it's not the most up to date recommendation for safety.  I do a lot of babysitting toddlers and can see the appeal to turning them early so I'm sympathetic I that  guess.  I think having them rear facing is a pain tbh.

The window sounds like a concern, but I can't be sure with out seeing it.  All in all none of this stuff really sounds like that big of a deal or any of your business though.  Every parent is different when it comes to gaging this kind of thing.  If you guys are friends, then you could try and bring up your concerns.  But to me you sound kind of over protective, so it may be hard for you to do with out sounding judgmental about it.  I would definitely keep the play dates in your apartment though, just for your own peace of mind. :)

[PoppyMama]

I agree with CCL and I'd be honest about why I wanted playdates at my place. My house is not childproofed and my kids are used to it I, personally, would feel uncomfortable hosting a playdate for a child who was used to an extremely childproofed environment.

[scottishmommy]

I did have an inkling that I was overracting. Obviously the carseat thing is none of my business and doesn't involve my dd at all. The rest of the stuff does make me nervous, but it could be that I'm too uptight. Sigh. Well at least I don't worry about diseases very much! Just accidents!

[crunchy_mommy]

Some of those things would make me nervous but I would not say anything about it. I am paranoid about safety but my house actually isn't really childproofed and I would be really offended is a friend mistook my carefully-thought-out allowances (i.e. allowing certain choking-hazard-sized items in DS's playspace) as negligence. In other words, I know my DS & I know which things pose a hazard to him so I've taken steps to minimize those hazards while still allowing him some freedoms. I have friends that don't childproof at all (or seem to take ANY precautions) and friends who have gates and locks and the whole nine yards).... We are always within short range of our kids anyway when we have playdates so I just don't worry about it. If it's a huge issue for you, you could have playdates at your house or a neutral area (although parks etc. will likely have similar hazards as your friend's house!) Otherwise, just keep your DD in eyesight/earshot when you visit and enforce whatever rules you feel she needs (no climbing up here, no playing with this balloon, etc.)...

[LROM]

Is it an option to just have an open and frank conversation that you're interested in whether they've thought about the things that concern you?  The window thing, and the balloons in the crib are both ones that, if this was a friend of mine, I'd just ask "That would worry me, does it worry you?" and explain why it would worry you. 

If said without judgement and in the sincere spirit of checking in on it, most people will just answer you.  My dd is also good about not putting things in her mouth, so I wouldn't worry about the balloons, but not all children are like that, and maybe your friends don't realize what a choking hazard balloons are?

When it comes to friends, I'd hope my friends would ask me about anything they saw as a potential danger to my kids so I could have the info if I didn't already have it.  And if I've already thought about it and this is why we made the decision we did (like why she eats what she does, or why we don't have child gates on the stairs), I'd just share it.

I'd also want my friends to tell me if they wanted their kids to play at my house but they had safety concerns.  I'd want to be able to talk about that, not have them not send their kids and not tell me why, that would create more weirdness or tension than just talking about it.

[mattemma04]

 I would probably have playdates at my home if I were concerned about the issues you mentioned.The carseat is on them,but the others things could hurt your child. Ofcourse it is unlikely those *bad* things will happen,but they do occur and why let it possibly happen to your child?

[rusticity]

I am the type to be worried about these things too.  The window seems the most dangerous to me but also the easiest fix.  When I dropped her off, I'd mention how you had to take out your window seats b/c your DD is the type who'd climb up close to the window & tumble out - present it as an issue of your particular child, not theirs - it doesn't pass judgement on what they are doing b/c their child wouldn't be at risk, just yours - and ask if they can be lowered to a few inches while your DD is there..  The balloons & small pieces are tougher and a lot depends how likely your DD is to put things in her mouth.

Personally, I would not leave her there if I couldn't resolve the window issue.

[pianojazzgirl]

Re. the small toys, I'd say that she probably knows her kid best.  Sure, lots of kids stick stuff in their mouths until early childhood, but lots of kids outgrow that stage by the time they reach early toddlerhood.  I'm assuming that she knows her own kid, and knows that those toys are ok for her.  Of course if your dd does still have a penchant for putting chokeables in her mouth then you could casually ask if it's ok for you to temporarily put those toys out of reach while you gys are over (and explain why).

The carseat is a MYOB matter IMO.  I know about how much safer it is to keep them rear-facing, but I also know a couple of friends who switched as soon as it was legal because their babes got really nauseous and uncomfortable (and by extension screamed and vomited) when the seats were facing backwards.  They got no judgment from me.  Look at it this way: at least she kept her dd rear-facing until 15 months which is way more than most people do.

The window thing would concern me.  I think a lot of people get a false sense of security from window screens (my dh included... grrrr....).  When we got new windows put in a few years ago we made sure to get ones that you can also open from the top.  Depending on how close you are with her you might want to say something.  Or I'd at least watch the kids like a hawk whenever playdates were at her house.