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I walked in on my husband and another woman...in our home.

post #1 of 85
Thread Starter 

6 weeks ago, I came home to find my husband naked on the living room floor with another woman. A woman he convinced me to allow him to be friends with, and who sat down and talked with me about her own 6-year engagement and how my husband needed support in his life (our daughter was stillborn last February). She said she wasn't trying to "steal my husband" and that if I loved him and trusted him, I would be okay with their friendship. Needless to say, I okayed their friendship, even though I had a really bad gut feeling about her. I was pregnant again and still grieving the loss of my daughter and didn't want to create any more stress in our lives. 

 

In November I started feeling like maybe it wasn't such a great idea anymore. He had been asking to go away to process his grief and leaving the house early in the mornings...coming home late at night. He told me he wasn't with her, but I wasn't so sure. I asked him to put his relationship with her on hold until after our baby was born....he was furious. He now says that that was the point that their relationship turned into an emotional/and sexual affair, when I came between their "friendship" and it turned secretive. I later found hotel receipts from Reno (he said he went away to process the loss of our daughter by himself). He came back with toys for me and our 4 year old from Circus Circus, which I thought was a weird thing to do alone, but when I questioned him he became livid and denied being with anyone.

 

Anyways, 6 weeks ago, the night after I confronted him with the Reno receipts and took my newborn son and 4 year old daughter to my sister's house, I came back home to find them together, naked on our living room floor.  I was in complete shock. I stayed there trying to talk to them for a little over an hour. He refused to say anything, she kept saying "tell her, tell her!" (still not sure what that meant). I took a picture of them, then waited for them to get their clothes on and leave. An hour later her fiance found them, naked again, at her mom's house.

 

I spent the next week looking for an apartment, packing up our stuff and moving out. I was 5 weeks post partum. After several long conversations with him since then, it's become clear that he has no intention of wanting to work it out. He says he's "not leaving his children, he's just leaving me." For a 24 year old girl,  (who has since left her fiance of 6 years). She has no job, no children and two trust funds.

 

I felt I had no other option but to file for divorce, which I did 2 weeks ago. This is breaking my heart. I never ever thought I would be in this place, I am a strong believer in marriage and forgiveness and seeking help in the form of therapy, etc. But he just didn't want to make the effort. He said things would be easier this way... For who?!

 

I feel so abandoned...so betrayed. To know that he was having this affair throughout my entire pregnancy and into the first few weeks of our baby son's life. Especially after losing our daughter just over a year ago. I just can't wrap my mind around it all...it doesn't make any sense.

 

He now says he's been unhappy since our daughter was born four years ago...but he can't specify why, except that I didn't cook and clean enough. I reminded him that out of those 4 years, I was pregnant for 3 of them, working 40 hours a week, taking care of the kids full time since we couldn't afford childcare, interning to get my licensure hours to become a therapist, and grieving over our daughters death. He didn't seem to care. 

 

The other woman (girl) has since moved into our home, and will now be spending time with my children on a regular basis. How could any woman do that to another woman? Come into her home, have sex with her husband in front of their wedding and baby's pictures, take him away from his family, move into their home and take over her family. I just don't understand. 

 

He says he's in love with her. That he will always love me because I'm the mother of his children, but he's not in love with me. But just a couple of months ago he was saying that me and our daughter meant the world to him and he loves us so much. He was never the type to be dishonest, unfaithful, uncaring.  I'm just at a loss. 

 

I know that I could never get back together with him. He doesn't even want to try to make it work, so how could I want to get back together. I just can't believe how easily and quickly he replaced me.I feel so used. I gave him three children, a life for the past 13 years, a family, a home, a future. And he threw it all away. Why???? 

 

 

post #2 of 85

i have no words. i am so so so sorry mama. you did not deserve that. and your ex? what a uav. irked.gif

please take care of yourself. look into getting some counseling to process what has happened.

hug2.gif

post #3 of 85

Oh Mama.  :-(  I am so incredibly sorry this has happened to you.  I cannot type what I'd like to do to your ex, because it would violate the site rules... a lot. 

 

Wow... I am just so sorry hon.  I agree with PP to look into counseling immediately for you.  So many hugs your way.  I wish I could do more.  *hugs*

post #4 of 85

*hugs* I am so sorry this happened to you.  

post #5 of 85
Quote:
Originally Posted by PiscesMama24 View Post

6 weeks ago, I came home to find my husband naked on the living room floor with another woman. A woman he convinced me to allow him to be friends with, and who sat down and talked with me about her own 6-year engagement and how my husband needed support in his life (our daughter was stillborn last February). She said she wasn't trying to "steal my husband" and that if I loved him and trusted him, I would be okay with their friendship. Needless to say, I okayed their friendship, even though I had a really bad gut feeling about her. I was pregnant again and still grieving the loss of my daughter and didn't want to create any more stress in our lives. 

 

In November I started feeling like maybe it wasn't such a great idea anymore. He had been asking to go away to process his grief and leaving the house early in the mornings...coming home late at night. He told me he wasn't with her, but I wasn't so sure. I asked him to put his relationship with her on hold until after our baby was born....he was furious. He now says that that was the point that their relationship turned into an emotional/and sexual affair, when I came between their "friendship" and it turned secretive. I later found hotel receipts from Reno (he said he went away to process the loss of our daughter by himself). He came back with toys for me and our 4 year old from Circus Circus, which I thought was a weird thing to do alone, but when I questioned him he became livid and denied being with anyone.

 

Anyways, 6 weeks ago, the night after I confronted him with the Reno receipts and took my newborn son and 4 year old daughter to my sister's house, I came back home to find them together, naked on our living room floor.  I was in complete shock. I stayed there trying to talk to them for a little over an hour. He refused to say anything, she kept saying "tell her, tell her!" (still not sure what that meant). I took a picture of them, then waited for them to get their clothes on and leave. An hour later her fiance found them, naked again, at her mom's house.

 

I spent the next week looking for an apartment, packing up our stuff and moving out. I was 5 weeks post partum. After several long conversations with him since then, it's become clear that he has no intention of wanting to work it out. He says he's "not leaving his children, he's just leaving me." For a 24 year old girl,  (who has since left her fiance of 6 years). She has no job, no children and two trust funds.

 

I felt I had no other option but to file for divorce, which I did 2 weeks ago. This is breaking my heart. I never ever thought I would be in this place, I am a strong believer in marriage and forgiveness and seeking help in the form of therapy, etc. But he just didn't want to make the effort. He said things would be easier this way... For who?!

 

I feel so abandoned...so betrayed. To know that he was having this affair throughout my entire pregnancy and into the first few weeks of our baby son's life. Especially after losing our daughter just over a year ago. I just can't wrap my mind around it all...it doesn't make any sense.

 

He now says he's been unhappy since our daughter was born four years ago...but he can't specify why, except that I didn't cook and clean enough. I reminded him that out of those 4 years, I was pregnant for 3 of them, working 40 hours a week, taking care of the kids full time since we couldn't afford childcare, interning to get my licensure hours to become a therapist, and grieving over our daughters death. He didn't seem to care. 

 

The other woman (girl) has since moved into our home, and will now be spending time with my children on a regular basis. How could any woman do that to another woman? Come into her home, have sex with her husband in front of their wedding and baby's pictures, take him away from his family, move into their home and take over her family. I just don't understand. 

 

He says he's in love with her. That he will always love me because I'm the mother of his children, but he's not in love with me. But just a couple of months ago he was saying that me and our daughter meant the world to him and he loves us so much. He was never the type to be dishonest, unfaithful, uncaring.  I'm just at a loss. 

 

I know that I could never get back together with him. He doesn't even want to try to make it work, so how could I want to get back together. I just can't believe how easily and quickly he replaced me.I feel so used. I gave him three children, a life for the past 13 years, a family, a home, a future. And he threw it all away. Why???? 

 

 

Did I read that right, that on top of everything he is even trying to lay blame on you for his infidelity? Well my jaw is on the floor. I can only imagine the shock and the myriad of other emotions that YOU must be feeling, and while grieving a baby no less. 

 

I am so deeply sorry. hug2.gif

post #6 of 85

I am so dreadfully sorry that this happened to you! I am speachless at your husbands behaviour. ALl I can do is offer you my heart and thoughts and tell you I feel for you. The women here are a great sourse of support and strength, take advantage of them!

post #7 of 85

OMG this makes me so angry. BIG hugs to you. What a couple of loathesome selfish people!! He is so full of lies. He's just trying to distract you from the truth.

 

If it makes you feel any better, my MIL told me STBX left me because I didn't do the dishes. Riiiight. That is the downfall of so many marriages. It couldn't be that some men get tired of being expected to be big boys and instead go after pleasure and responsibility-free love. Now the excitement from of all the secrecy is stripped away. Just wait until he makes a baby with her and she turns into a normal serious responsible human.

post #8 of 85

Well...having been the unfaithful girlfriend before, I can tell you that infidelity is a choice, like anything else, to put one's own needs and desires above the relationship already in progress. One convinces oneself that one "deserves" the excitment and thrill of the new encounter because of x,y,z. It's incredibly selfish and immature.

 

I'm so sorry you had to witness what you did.

post #9 of 85

hug2.gif You and your children don't deserve this, but you will be stronger and better off for it.  You don't need someone like that in your life.  Find a support system and lean on it!  Also, find an incredible (and mean) lawyer.  Yesterday.  File for divorce and get a custody agreement in place.  Take care of yourself and your babies and be gentle with yourself.

post #10 of 85

I am so sorry that this happened to you. I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy. There is something obviously wrong with your ex and some inner demons he'll need to work out on his own. Trust me when I say that him turning to this new girl will only make him "happy" for now. It's time for you to focus on you and your new baby - bring them into a positive and fulfilling home!

post #11 of 85

I'm so so sorry that you have to go through this. It's not your fault at all and you shouldn't feel like it is. I agree that if you can you need to get a lawyer. And I don't know if you have already, but you should consider getting yourself tested for any STDs. Just to be on the safe side. 

post #12 of 85
I feel for you. Happened to me last year. 12 yr marriage with a 10 yr and newborn. Other woman was in mid 20's, too.

Like pp said, be prepared for him to come crawling back. It took mine 2.5 weeks.

I thought I had a plan where I would have him live outside the family home as I didn't expect or really want it to work out, but his job transferred him a month later and I agreed to go as I hated the current location, had only been there 3 months.

Now i want out. We should be transferred in 1 more year and I'm thinking that would my next out
post #13 of 85

I couldn't read and not write. A little over a month ago, my husband admitted to having screwed around several times in our marriage and that he wanted out. Most recently being while i was pregnant with our 8 month old. He said that he's been unhappy for years and other than the other woman being involved, my story is a lot like yours. I was completely blindsided as he never ever let on that he was the slightest bit unhappy with our relationship. Hell, I'm even a therapist.

 

It hurts, it still does, a lot. I feel like I've been thrown away that all my sacrifices as a SAHM count for nothing. I feel cheated that he didn't let me know he was unhappy when he first started having problems and while we were having kids. I feel robbed that I didn't get to make informed choices when having more children and I still can't quite believe that he would do something so harmful to me and the kids. That he'd be so incredibly selfish. And while he doesn't have anyone (that I know of) I feel like I've been just so casually placed aside and replaced with this new and glorious life he believes he'll have. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

 

I did however recently make 2 days without crying and that was a bit of an accomplishment. It's getting a little easier to be distracted and laugh. I was a complete zombie for the first two weeks. I practically didn't eat for a week, my best friend dragged me out of my house and made me eat. I reeled for a good 4 weeks, trying desperately to make sense of the situation each and every day. I haven't tried to make sense of it since last week, and while I feel a profound sadness, I think I'm finally a little bit better able to control it. I think my best piece of advice as someone fresh from this is to really rely and lean on your friends and family. Find a great therapist, talk to your doctor, get a good lawyer and give yourself time and permission to deal with this very big hurt. It's hard when you have little ones, but enlist someone to hold the baby for 30-60 minutes while you take a bath or cry or rest. Do whatever you need to do to protect yourself, whatever is pressing and then just try your best to take care of yourself. If you want to contact me, please feel free.

post #14 of 85
Thread Starter 

Did you ever come around? Did you ever regret your infidelity? Did you know all along that it was selfish, or just in hindsight? I'm just trying to understand what's going on in his head...I don't get it!

post #15 of 85
Thread Starter 

Sorry, that was meant for halfasianmomma! 

post #16 of 85

oh mama hug2.gifYou don't deserve to be treated that way

post #17 of 85

Now you know who he really is.

You didn't deserve to find out the way you did. And you didn't deserve to be lied to and cheated on.

Probably one of the last things you want to think about is getting tested for STDs, but think about adding it to your list of things to do.

I'm sorry that you have to go through this greensad.gif

post #18 of 85
Quote:
Originally Posted by Halfasianmomma View Post

Well...having been the unfaithful girlfriend before, I can tell you that infidelity is a choice, like anything else, to put one's own needs and desires above the relationship already in progress. One convinces oneself that one "deserves" the excitment and thrill of the new encounter because of x,y,z. It's incredibly selfish and immature.

 

I'm so sorry you had to witness what you did.



I agree with this. My DP of almost a decade cheated ( 7 month affair) on me a year and a half ago. He was unhappy with life as a grown up and was able to justify the affair that way. Also, his decisions are his own. Don't accept any blame for the suffering and misery he has caused. It's a  toxic and incredibly manipulative argument. Take care of yourself Mama. Get help and loving support. Take whatever time you need. We are all here for you.

 

grouphug.gif

post #19 of 85
I just want to say I am so sorry you have to go through this, and add my love and support to those who've already posted. Stay strong, for your little ones and for yourself, too. You deserve so much better.
post #20 of 85
Wait, he and the new girl got the house and you're looking for an apartment? Honey, please believe that he has opted to give up rights to his family and take everything from him that is rightfully belonging to your babies and family. If it were me, I would have kicked him out and thrown his stuff on the lawn. Dishonesty and disrespect of that magnitude is entirely uncalled for. Get child support as soon as possible and don't take any BS from him about it. My ex and I left on much better terms than you're dealing with and he still thinks his petty needs come before feeding our kids.

That said, take care of you and your babies. Surround your selves with the love you truly deserve. Cry and process and take long bubble bathes. You'll survive and be stronger for it.
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