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I walked in on my husband and another woman...in our home. - Page 2

post #21 of 85

dont try to understand. you are asking for the impossible.

 

you are in the new here. give it time. grieve. and later you might have some understanding.

 

a LOT of what you wrote is identical of what happened to me. 

 

it took me years to understand but i am happy with the why - the basic idea i get.

 

ex is a wonderful person and still continues to me. but he has issues. he has abandonment issues and lives in his own hell that he is too scared to come out of. it is my fault (today i do understand it from his point of view) because i couldnt be who he wanted me to be. so his own mom abandoned him and now i did too. 

 

however i never blamed his gf. she was i felt in no part responsible for the breakup. our troubles had started way before which i was slowly becoming aware of. one day you will sit down and see that yes you knew the exact time when he started disconnecting but you didnt want to see it then. 

 

it took me two years of grieving process after our separation before i was able to see what a blessing he had bestowed upon me. becoming single opened up new doors for me which i could not have followed had i been in a partnership. 

post #22 of 85
Quote:
Originally Posted by meemee View Post

dont try to understand. you are asking for the impossible. <snip>


it took me two years of grieving process after our separation before i was able to see what a blessing he had bestowed upon me. becoming single opened up new doors for me which i could not have followed had i been in a partnership. 


yeahthat.gif

 



Quote:
Originally Posted by PiscesMama24 View Post
I just can't believe how easily and quickly he replaced me.I feel so used. I gave him three children, a life for the past 13 years, a family, a home, a future. And he threw it all away. Why???? 

 

 

Because he puts himself before anyone else. I'm sure if you look at his overall habits, you will see that in small ways regarding everyday life.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Halfasianmomma View Post

....infidelity is a choice, like anything else, to put one's own needs and desires above the relationship already in progress. One convinces oneself that one "deserves" the excitment and thrill of the new encounter because of x,y,z. It's incredibly selfish and immature.

 

Yep.

 

post #23 of 85
Quote:
Originally Posted by PiscesMama24 View Post

Did you ever come around? Did you ever regret your infidelity? Did you know all along that it was selfish, or just in hindsight? I'm just trying to understand what's going on in his head...I don't get it!


My infidelity became a pattern in my early 20s, when I wanted out of a relationship but was petrified of breaking it off for the simple reason that I was not fulfilled. I didn't think I had the right to break it off, or I couldn't handle saying "I want out". So I would cheat, knowingly, and then tell my partner what I'd done and wait for them to break it off with me. The first time it happened, I was a nervous wreck and bawled like a child admitting what I'd done. Eventually though, it became my break-up method. I knew it was cowardly and hurtful but I tried not to think about it. I was convinced that since relationship X was so bad, I had no choice but to do what I did.

 

Ironically enough, it's when I met my XH that I decided I need to grow out of that habit because it made me feel dirty...and XH was the man who verbally and emotionally abused me for 6 years, constantly accusing me of infidelity when I was 100% faithful There were times that I thought that it was what I deserved after hurting so many people. And then, to make sure I'd learned my lesson, XH cheated on me and gave me an STD while I was pregnant. That's when I fully understood the emotional impact of infidelity.

 

I dunno if that's of any help to you... 
 

 

post #24 of 85

How horrible.  I teared up reading your post mama. 

 

I agree with MamaRhi above about you looking for a place.  On second thought, it would be hard to stay in the original home, at least for me.

 

I hope you are able to maybe have a colleague from your therapy training help out or have a great resource for a referral. 

 

These types of stories just shake me up inside. 

 

Love and light to you and your babies. 

post #25 of 85

You can put a stop to her living there with a visit to your attorney. I don't know how quickly they could get it done. I knew this would be a problem for me, so we had wording in our order that says that no unrelated individual of the opposite sex can spend the night with him when the kids are with him. I did that after I found out that my tiny baby shared a bed with he and his little )(*&)(*&. I wish now that the wording said no unrelated individual can spend the night. I never imagined that he would have some of his friends sleeping over in the bedroom across the hall from my tiny girl. That's just not okay with me at all. Take care of these things while you still have the opportunity.  Get her out! If I hadn't done it, there would have been quite the revolving door by now. It truly sickens me.

post #26 of 85

I stumbled on your post and felt like I should share my experience with you about a similar situation that happened to me. I know how much it hurts to have your world turned upside down by an experience like this and how it can consume all of your thoughts and feelings. 

 

A little background on how things went down. DH has an ex-girlfriend from college who over the past 11 years of our relationship has made multiple attempts to contact him. Normally I would have no problem with this. I am friends with everyone I have dated in the past and have encouraged him to do the same, but unfortunately this situation is different. During the holidays of our first year of dating, DH took a trip back to his home state of RI where she lives. While he was there she contacted him multiple times for him to come visit her, he did finally stop over at her house and she then proceeded to tell him how much she thinks about him and how she wished they could be together again etc, etc. (This happened a few months after I had met her on a prior visit to his hometown and we ran into her at a pub. We spent some time talking and had a few drinks with her so I never would have assumed she would be so blatantly disrespectful knowing DH and I were in a serious relationship) When DH returned from the trip he told me what had happened and it set the stage for me not trusting her or her intentions. I asked him to sever all contact with her and he agreed.

 

A few years later she contacted him on Facebook. I asked him to delete her as I felt granting her access into our lives by allowing her to view all of our pictures and posts was intrusive. I had heard from his family, when the first incident happened that she was a bit unstable and I just didnt want to open the door to any trouble. He did delete her and I thought all was said and done. Apparently she didnt get the hint and contacted him yet again. This time however I didnt find out about it until the shit hit the fan.

 

Last year when I was in my 7th month of pregnancy with our first child, I awoke one night at 3am to find DH not in bed next to me but in the living room on the computer chatting with her on Gmail chat. At this time period of our lives DH was drinking a little too much, often staying up late and finishing bottles of wine by himself. He works in the wine industry so this habit became very easy to do. I was pretty upset and hurt that he was sneeking  behind my back and talking with her again. I let it go till the next morning and was planning on talking to him about it before I went off to work. In the morning he was passed out on the couch and he had left his email open and I found a huge list of emails spanning all the way back to a few weeks prior to us finding out we were pregnant. The emails were filled with love poems (she apparently fancies herself a "poet") downloads of love songs and correspondences that were inappropriate.  So for my entire pregnancy this emotional affair had been brewing and getting pretty intense. But here is the real kicker she is also married with one child and was also 7 months pregnant. Somehow in my frazzled and blindsided state of shock I found her number online and called her to confront her and hear  why she thought this emotional affair she was having with my husband was okay. Her response to me was that I should "evaluate my relationship" and that she was just being "true to herself " and I "just happened to get in the way and got hurt" WHAT!?!? I still to this day a year later look back and dont really know what I expected her to say. I guess maybe I was expecting some sort of apology or some sort of semblance of remorse. But of course there was nothing of this in her voice or words. I really felt bad for her husband. He was there when I called and even got on the phone and said he was sorry I was so upset. He said he did know that they were chatting occasionally but had no idea of the poems, songs or emails. He was just as deceived as I was. I am sure he felt betrayed finding out that his pregnant wife was emotionally involved with another man. I am certain she never showed him all the correspondence between the two. Sometimes I find myself wanting to print out all of the emails that I have from her to DH and mail them to her husband just so she can see the pain in his eyes of how I was feeling. But I stop myself knowing that causing anymore pain will not do anyone any good. The revenge would be sweet but 2 wrongs dont make a right.

 

Of course DH was not innocent in all this chaos. We went through a pretty rough time following this disaster. My trust was broken and in a big way. He again and again told me how she means nothing to him and the whole thing was just a distraction from the stress he was feeling from becoming a first time father. He kept saying how she was the one pushing the interactions even after he told her that I wouldnt be comfortable with them having any contact. (So much for women standing up for one another is all I can think about that) I am working on building back my trust and it has been pretty difficult letting go of the anger and hurt that I endured during such a special time in my life. For the most part though I have forgiven and I am trying to forget. One thing though I know I will hold onto forever, is the thought that all of the stress I was under because of this could have caused potential harm to my pregnancy and to my beautiful baby boy while he was still in utero. This will never leave my mind.

 

Sorry this was so long and rambling. I feel that hearing other people's stories can somehow soften the pain you are feeling, if even for a moment. Of course this emotional affair pales in comparison to what you have experienced but just remember you are not alone!! Talking about it can really help. Hugs to you Mama! xoxoxo

post #27 of 85

Wow. I can't believe this happened to someone else. My husband and I had a 19 year civil union. He started going nuts a couple years ago. He had me arrested for our 19th anniversary. Hid $24K of community property from me and squandered it until it was gone. Now he has moved his cousin into our house and is sleeping with her. They are supposedly moving out this weekend, leaving me with the rent due and utilities unpaid. Last night, my 22-year old car broke down and needs a new engine, so I can't even get to work. I have virtually no family at all. I can't afford a divorce (starting at $6500) when I can't even pay the rent. I found your post by googling "another woman in my house." I wish I knew how it turned out for you. Wish I knew how it will turn out for me.

post #28 of 85

Sorry this is a little late. And sorry this is so long. But it's from the bottom of my heart, love. 

 

Honey sweetheart, my advice to you is to know that NOTHING and I mean NOTHING you did in this situation warranted it to be your fault. Equally as important, I strongly encourage you to be strong and fight tooth and nail to get full custody of your children. I know this is not easy, it is so far from easy, but you've got to do it, for your sake and your children's.  Use his words against him, Mama!  He used his own words to say that he didn't want anything to do with the life he made with you, and that includes your children. He said he didn't want your four year old. He doesn't want it, so he has no right to have it now.  He doesn't want it, and his hurtful manipulative actions warrant that he is not mature or worthy enough to be in the lives of your beautiful children. Although it's bitter and sad to no end, he has deceived you all big time and therefore is a skunk who is better off NOT being a part of your lives. As for the girl, as a feminist I try to be understanding and just, but this woman was clearly doing wrong and knowing it because unlike other cheatees, she KNEW another woman was being cheated on at her expense and she willfully manipulated you so that it could happen. Feminist or no feminist, what she did was heinous, no respect for her fellow woman, and having someone so manipulative be apart of the lives of your children (they're yours, not hers after all!!) could be incredibly harmful. Give your angels all your love, and be strong, you are a beautiful and wonderful person who deserves happiness.  You feel that everything you have has been taken from you, and you're right to feel this way. The solution is, be a badass, and take it back!!!!!  It's not stealing, it's reclaiming what's rightfully yours.

 

Use all of the manipulative and deceitful actions of your ex-husband and his mistress against them.  The trip to Reno and how they lied, use that kind of thing as ammunition. That kind of behavior is and could be an endangerment to your children.  Don't be afraid to play it up and milk it for all its worth.  If they lie about where they're going, you can argue in court, how will you always know where your children are, and if they're safe??? Use every last wrong-doing as part of your arguments in court to win full custody of your children.  I know it's easier said than done, it's so difficult, but they will be better off with you and without that skunk, and you will be better off knowing they're safe with you at all times, mother and children growing strong together with love.

 

Surround yourself with love and strength, don't be afraid to cry and process, but also don't be afraid to get angry.  Fight for your rights, fight for your children, fight for all that you deserve. You are so, so, so, worth it, and it's your human right to reclaim your life. Never feel guilty for it.  You haven't done anything wrong, you aren't doing anything wrong, and you will not do anything wrong. You are a wonderful person who is deserving of all the love and respect in this World.  And you deserve to have all that was in your world NOT taken from you, because he is the one who screwed up. Big time.

 

 

post #29 of 85

This post has been removed due to privacy reasons.


Edited by rainbow_mandala - 11/16/12 at 4:40pm
post #30 of 85
Thread Starter 

Thank you so much Mamas, for all your thoughtful responses. We are now officially divorced. The way it played out is that I was not able to get sole legal custody, but I was able to get sole physical custody. My lawyer said that pretty much the only way to get legal rights taken away from the non-custodial parent is if he/she is a heroin addict, felon, etc. My ex and have have been doing joint co-parenting counseling sessions in order to determine how to introduce his "mistress," now his girlfriend, to the kids (mainly my older daughter). I have been prolonging the therapy sessions as long as I can in hopes of putting as much time and space between the event (the affair, the move, etc.) and the introduction of this new woman. But it's coming down to it. We only have a couple more to meet the minimum 8 sessions required by our stipulation and then she'll be around, Every. Single. Time. I think I mentioned it in my first post but she moved in just a couple weeks after I moved out, and has been living there ever since. 

 

I'm really struggling right now. On the one hand I just want there to be peace and not have ANY more drama (I already feel like this was a sick and twisted Jerry Springer episode). On the other hand, I am still so incredibly hurt and devastated that my marriage ended in this way, and now I feel like I have to hand my children over to the woman who caused this mess to begin with. Why should she share in the joyous parts of parenting my children after all she's done?! Children are a blessing, not a reward for morally bankrupt, deceitful, manipulative behavior! Ugh...I'm so confused. 

 

I want to be able to just let go, to surrender, to find some sense of peace in this whole messed up situation. I just don't know how to get to that place. And I feel like I"m being forced to agree to having her around my children because legally, according to my lawyer, once we're divorced there's nothing I can do to prevent him from having whoever around them that he chooses when it's his timeshare. 

 

How would you handle this? Would you keep fighting or try to let it go? 

post #31 of 85

aaaah mama i am not sure i know how to answer your question. you have to go through your own process of grief. i dont feel qualified to answer the question. 

 

by the time i found out and was trying to come to terms with it, my dd had already met her. because ex was babysitting dd she was seeing her regularly. and that kinda helped me with my healing. because i was also able to see her as someone else apart from the 'other' woman. and i was able to see that she genuinely cared for my dd and at that age took good care of dd. i discovered the image i had in my head of her was something i made up. it was not the reality. i was able to see her other side. and yes i too did not want a jerry springer like episode.

 

i do not know why - but i didnt hold her completely responsible. i held ex equally responsible too - if not even more than her. i have no idea why i was able to give her the benefit of doubt. who knows what ex told her about me. perhaps i was this bad, bad person. 

 

i made sure that ex understood i had right of first refusal. fortunately ex and i were able to work it out where if he wasnt around dd i got the opportunity to have her. he wouldnt leave her with her. however it came at a price i was happy to give. the cost was child support. i declined any. on paper. BUT he does pay for all of dd's clothes and some supplies i cant buy her. 

 

for me - she was a small part of the pain. my biggest was the complete betrayal i felt from him. 

 

but i healed and discovered him leaving me opened up opportunities that i could have never dreamt of had we been together. 

 

what do you know about her? as a person. do you expect her to be neglectful towards your children. her history is what would define what action i take. fight or learn to live with it. if she would not be able to take good care of my child i would fight it till i could. 

 

it is so hard to separate personal differences. for the sake of your children you have to. 

 

i hope other mamas have better advice for you.

 

just know one thing mama. you are NOT alone. so many have walked your path. 

 

grouphug.gif

post #32 of 85

Oh my goodness mama hug.gif I am just now reading your whole story... the part I can relate to is your recent thoughts on feeling legally forced to put your children in a situation you feel isn't best for them. It's absolutely gut-wrenching, I think. I'm sure your lawyer has told you this if s/he was decent, but just make sure you're documenting everything, even if it doesn't seem necessary. You never know if you'll need the info later, in case you do decide to fight further. Full physical custody is a good start though.

 

I don't really have any insight about the finding peace with it all, just hug2.gif  and time. Reach out to whoever will listen and help you and your little ones, take care of yourself, mama.

post #33 of 85
Thread Starter 

Meemee; to answer your question about what I know about her.... I don't know why, but the thought of her just makes me sick. What I know of her is that for months before I found out about the affair, she was bringing my ex cookies and brownies, chocolate in the shape of butts. She would meet him for lunch (with my permission) and they would play sex scrabble and sex mad libs. When I questioned him about this he told me I was being insecure and that was the only way to really play those games anyways. Soon she started giving him other gifts, ipods, a car stereo (stuff he said she got for free from her grampa)

 

She was the one he asked to come to tour home in February 2010 after my daughter was stillborn, while I was still with my baby in the hospital. She played with my older daughter, then almost 3 years old, while he supposedly put away Zejah's nursery. He never asked me, he told me later. On the one year anniversary of Zejah's death she texted him "thinking of 'our' sweet little Zejah." That was 2 weeks before I found them together. 

 

She has major OCD issues. When I went back to get my stuff she had "their"  closet, in what a couple weeks before had been our bedroom, it was completely organized, clothes pressed and folded perfectly, like i hadn't had the time to do. I know she cooks, bakes and cleans. His brother said that he thought my ex was an idiot for what he had done and he hates his "mistress" but that "at least she cleans".

 

I know she drinks a lot. Has had numerous threesomes in the past (not trying to judge, but I feel like it might play into her character), barely completed high school, has never been to college and has never worked. She has two trust funds and a house being gifted to her. 

 

The same night I went back for my stuff I found the Easter Basket she had made for my daughter (it was bigger than ANY easter basket I had made in the past and PACKED with stuff...it put mine to shame).  (I don't know why this matters, just a flashback I guess).

 

She was engaged for 6 years, to a guy who she got together with while they were both in other relationships. She left him as soon as I found her with my husband, packed her bags and said she was leaving him for my husband.

 

My sister used to run in the same group as her and apparently she has no friends because people don't trust her and/or don't like her. This is one of the things my ex told me to try to get me to feel sorry for her and buy into their friendship...she didn't have any friends,he said. Now I understand why.

 

Several months before I found out about the affair, she sent me an e-mail in which she said that my husband needed some support after the loss of our daughter that he didn't have anyone, and if I trusted him and were a "good wife" I would allow him to have a "platonic" relationship with a girl. The title of the e-mail was "can't we all just get along?" She wanted to meet in person (for the first time) to talk. I invited her over later that day and felt that she was VERY awkward and stiff (this is how many people describe her). She told me a story about how when her mom was 3 months pregnant with her little brother her dad had an affair and left the family, and her mom was so devastated that she got a very late term abortion. She said she would NEVER do that to anyone else, that she was happily engaged, and she was just friends with my husband, nothing more. I felt like I was the one that was crazy, insecure and non-trusting. So I okayed the relationship, despite my gut feeling. Ironically, I continued having dreams about finding them naked together. Each time I would tell my husband, crying, and he would just laugh it off, saying, something like "ooohh...sounds hot, was it just her or both of you together?"

 

Anyways, I'm not sure what I'm getting at here, just the bits and pieces I DO know of her...which isn't too much. 

 

I guess I'm having a hard time separating my feelings about her because of the affair with my feelings about her as a person and possibly as a caring "stepmother" figure for my children. It just makes me sick thinking of her in that role, because of what she did to get there. I feel like she stole my life, my husband, my home, and now my children. 

 

 

post #34 of 85

I understand why you're having so much trouble. I'm usually one to focus strongly on the behaviour of the cheating person, more than the person they cheated with. However, the level of this particular woman's vile behaviour would make it very, very difficult for me to deal with her. The fact that she used your son's death (I had a stillborn son, so I know what kind of emotional upheaval you were dealing with) as a wedge to get her hooks into your ex is sick. The fact that she guilted you into more or less giving your blessing to their "friendship" is sick. The fact that she referred to your stillborn baby as "our" baby in a message to your ex is so far beyond sick that I have no words. This woman is poison, and she sounds to me as though she's probably got some serious, and unresolved, mental health issues.

 

I don't know what to say. There's really nothing you can do once it gets to a place where you have to allow her around your children. But, keep documenting everything you can. Aside from the affair itself, which is bad enough, she's demonstrate freakishly major boundary issues on multiple levels.

 

I'm so, so sorry, mama.

post #35 of 85


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by PiscesMama24 View Post

I know she drinks a lot. S Has had numerous threesomes in the past (not trying to judge, but I feel like it might play into her character), barely completed high school, has never been to college and has never worked. she has two trust funds and a house being gifted to her. 

the bolded part might be concerning but not until you find out if she is a responsible drinker or not. the italized part mama i am sorry is pure gossip and personal and has no bearing on her ability to be a good caregiver to your kids. the pink part might be the carrot your ex is going for. that makes her more attractive to him. 

please know mama i am not trying to make things more painful for you. when something emotional like this is going on, it really helps to keep to the basic and separate the chaff from the grain. 

 

The same night I went back for my stuff I found the Easter Basket she had made for my daughter (it was bigger than ANY easter basket I had made in the past and PACKED with stuff...it put mine to shame).  (I don't know why this matters, just a flashback I guess).

well she got your dh. now she is gunning for your kids. of course this matters to you. 

 

My sister used to run in the same group as her and apparently she has no friends because people don't trust her and/or don't like her. This is one of the things my ex told me to try to get me to feel sorry for her and buy into their friendship...she didn't have any friends,he said. Now I understand why.

 

It just makes me sick thinking of her in that role, because of what she did to get there. I feel like she stole my life, my husband, my home, and now my children. 

honestly mama my immediate reaction to this was good riddance to bad rubbish. sorry for the insensitivity - but a few games and butt chocolates gets a man to give up his family? i want to say gosh you are better off without him if that is indeed who he is.

 

there is a possible good news and bad news aspect to this. it seems this is a strategy of hers. and it wont surprise me if at some point of time in the future she will do the same with your ex too. 

 

mama read my lips. you will NEVER. EVER. LOSE your children to her. they might be mersmerised with her and her disneyland stepmom image but eventually they will see through. i know - easy to say.

 

what really, really matters is that YOU keep your cool. you have been pretty gullible yourself. uhm no. meeting for lunch is ok in my books - but uhmm no way sex scrabble or madlibs. you trusted too easily.

 

your work is going to be really tough. that is why you have to stay calm and composed in front of your kids. remember they v. closely watch not what you say but what you do. how you react is what is going to give them guidance of how to react. 

 

you are too focused on her. you have to discipline yourself and stop thinking of her. you have to find some way of letting out your hurt, anger and frustration. she is not THE problem. she is only one part of it. dont give her more power than she has. she does not sound like a nice person at all - but look at how much control over your life you are giving to her. 

 

from experience i have realised speaking is just one part of communication. the real communication happens with our body. the more you think, the more you hold it in - the more of a pressure cooker you become. and when you become a pressure cooker you lose all connection with reality coz of the stories you have built in your head. 

 

you have to move on. start focusing on yourself. protect yourself legally. be there for your children. during all those sleepless nights when you are unable to sleep trying to figure out what went wrong, what could you have done ..... think of an art project or some project and plan it out. or whatever it takes. you actively have to work at disciplining your mind. 

 

you will be amazed what a huge relief that is when you move on with your life. for children it isnt things that matter but connections. let her be the disney stepmom and get ur child things because she cant take away what is yours. i speak from experience mama. the snuggles, the long conversations, the allowance to throw  a fit and have a messy house if they want to will never take your kids away from you. 

 

if journaling comes easy to you do so. have the courage to dream. what kind of life do you now want for your kids and you? 

post #36 of 85

you are in a very tough spot. but the advice that comes to mind for me is to "keep your friends close, but your enemies closer." in this case... if there really is no choice but to allow your children visitation with the ex and his mistress... then PLAY like you suddenly like her. to her face. but never ever let your guard down. see if you can manipulate HER into trusting YOU. see if she slips here or there and gives you something you can use against her; in which case, do not hesitate to drop it on her. 

 

it's OK and normal and rational to have horrible feelings about her, but do not show these to the ex or the mistress. fake it to their faces that you are just fine with them, but never ever let your guard down, don't trust them for a minute with anything personal about yourself, and do your best to find their weaknesses.

 

i wish you all the luck in the world with this. may God bless you and your children.

post #37 of 85
Thread Starter 

Thanks Meemee,

 

I just want to say  (don't know why I feel the need to defend my naivete and being gullible) but I have had a very challenging time trusting my ex for years. And it was always a big issue, he would always say, "I can't believe you don't trust me" "Have I EVER given you reason not to trust me." And then, during the affair, he would tell me how everyone that worked at his shop would say how they wish they had a wife like me because I was so cool and secure. Towards the end (as he and his mistress were simultaneously sneaking off to Reno...under the pretenses that he was going alone to process his grief over the death of our daughter) he would tell me how lucky he was to have such a wonderful, trusting wife. How he loved me so much and he didn't know what he would do without me. How I had come so far in our relationship with my ability to trust him. How he should show up at the Farmer's market with a different woman (some of them my close friends) every week just to make people think that I was cool with him hanging out with other women on the side. To show them how "different" our relationship was. At the time I laughed this off, totally thinking he was joking around. Or maybe I just didn't have the energy to delve into it further because I was pregnant so quickly again after my daughter died. I was scared of becoming stressed out, overly emotional, and losing this baby too. 

 

The funny thing is, for years he would tell me, "if I were to cheat I'd NEVER get caught." He was so sure of himself. And then I caught him in the act.

 

When I confronted him after I caught him about the fact that he had just the week before said he was going to "have the best sex ever with me" as soon as my c-section was healed, his response was "yeah, that was coming." AFTER I found them together. I was so confused.

 

Ugh...I don't know where I'm going with all of this...I know that I need to take responsibility for my role in this. And yes, I should have listened to my gut and not been as blind to what was happening. 

 

post #38 of 85

This sounds SO tough.  Big hugs.  hug2.gif .  In addition to this forum, I hope you are getting yourself some support (such as counseling).  I know it has helped beyond measure in our lives this past year.

post #39 of 85
Quote:
Originally Posted by PiscesMama24 View Post

Ugh...I don't know where I'm going with all of this...I know that I need to take responsibility for my role in this. And yes, I should have listened to my gut and not been as blind to what was happening. 

 

you know you dont have to know everything right now right? smile.gif the key is talking. talking and getting it all out in a place you feel safe. you are doing the right thing. it all doesnt have to make sense. one day it will - just not now. 

 

forget the shoulds. YOU have to take care of yourself. and unfortunately no one can help you there. i vaguely remember a mama quoting this when i was going thru this myself. someone said 'heaven is - no one's coming, hell is someone is coming. or something like that. 

 

the big lesson you learnt is that you listened to your gut. THAT mama is KEY. i mean come on. if you cant trust your own husband who can you trust ya know. why get into a relationship at all. but if there is one KEY lesson to learn it is your gut speaking. just dont mistake the fear talkign within you to be your gut. that can get you into trouble. 

 

like my mom has always said and my MIL reminded me when i was going thru ur hell - YOU come first. you HAVE to take care of yourself FIRST. even before your children. by taking care of yourself you take care of your children. (HAH! i thought they were crazy but life taught me how right they were). seriously when i take care of myself parenting is so easy for me. 
 

now i am going to throw pot shots in teh dark. if its too painful pls stop reading. if it doesnt feel right ignore it. i am talking to you thru the eyes of my own experience.

 

did you REALLY not know what was going on? seriously? or were you so desperate to hold on to him that you would rather be gullible than face up to the truth that would completely turn your world upside down. that the emotional trauma of losing a child and then getting pregnant again further heightened your fear. (i am not accusing you or being mean - i really want you to think about this. delve deep inside of you and explore your feelings around this). my gut told me months before i confronted him. and THEN i believed his words and stayed. yeah i know. gullible right?!!! but i was way too scared.  till i was DONE. completely DONE. 

 

i hope  you have a friend to talk to. i hope you have figured out a way to get this off your chest. i hope you have found a way to scream and cry and let it all out. 

 

but promise me mama that after you heal, you will NEVER EVER let the two of them decide how you see other potential partners. be aware but dont expect all men to be like your ex. if you do then you have let them win. i know i am jumping way ahead here. 

post #40 of 85
Quote:
Originally Posted by PiscesMama24 View Post

Thanks Meemee,

 

I just want to say  (don't know why I feel the need to defend my naivete and being gullible) but I have had a very challenging time trusting my ex for years. And it was always a big issue, he would always say, "I can't believe you don't trust me" "Have I EVER given you reason not to trust me." And then, during the affair, he would tell me how everyone that worked at his shop would say how they wish they had a wife like me because I was so cool and secure. Towards the end (as he and his mistress were simultaneously sneaking off to Reno...under the pretenses that he was going alone to process his grief over the death of our daughter) he would tell me how lucky he was to have such a wonderful, trusting wife. How he loved me so much and he didn't know what he would do without me. How I had come so far in our relationship with my ability to trust him. How he should show up at the Farmer's market with a different woman (some of them my close friends) every week just to make people think that I was cool with him hanging out with other women on the side. To show them how "different" our relationship was. At the time I laughed this off, totally thinking he was joking around. Or maybe I just didn't have the energy to delve into it further because I was pregnant so quickly again after my daughter died. I was scared of becoming stressed out, overly emotional, and losing this baby too. 

 

The funny thing is, for years he would tell me, "if I were to cheat I'd NEVER get caught." He was so sure of himself. And then I caught him in the act.

 

When I confronted him after I caught him about the fact that he had just the week before said he was going to "have the best sex ever with me" as soon as my c-section was healed, his response was "yeah, that was coming." AFTER I found them together. I was so confused.

 

Ugh...I don't know where I'm going with all of this...I know that I need to take responsibility for my role in this. And yes, I should have listened to my gut and not been as blind to what was happening. 

 

 

No reason to be confused. He, like many people who cheat, wanted to have his cake and eat it, too.

 

I've been rereading some of your posts. I totally understand why you're so invested in the "other woman". I really do. She took this to an unusually nasty level, imo.  But, you do need to try, for your own sake, not to obsess over her. It's going to be hard. She's trying to buy your children. She's taken your home. She's taken your husband (you're way, way, way better off without him, but I know it takes a while to really get to that place). It's natural that you've become wound up about her. But, your feelings about her aren't going to hurt her. They're only going to hurt you.

 

Hang in there. This is going to be really hard, and watching her play treat mom to your own children is going to be brutal. But...it's also not what counts. My ex did that with ds1 for a while, too. And, ds1 even fell for it...for a while. But, the really important thing is the relationship between you and your kids...not their relationship with her. Focus on your kids and keeping things as healthy and happy between you and them as you can. Don't worry about their interactions with her. They don't matter. They just don't. (Obviously, if you have reason to believe she's actually harming them - depriving them of food, etc. - things change. As it stands now...she doesn't matter.) She doesn't matter.
 

 

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