or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Single Parenting › I walked in on my husband and another woman...in our home.
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

I walked in on my husband and another woman...in our home. - Page 3

post #41 of 85

Big hug.

she sounds a lot like my dh's other woman.

honestly, I don't see your ex and this new gal working out in the long run, Especially once she gets the real "family experience" and/or their own child.

 

But no matter, your better off without him.  Though I so understand you feelings about the kids.

 

post #42 of 85

This story is so similar to what happened to my MIL. It makes my stomach turn to think of what my FIL did to her. She ended up better off though. She married an amazing man when DH was 7. He is so wonderful! They have been happily married for 25 years. As for the other woman? Who knows what happened to her. DH doesn't even remember her name. 

post #43 of 85

I am not a single parent, but I saw this thread and felt compelled to read it.

 

All I am thinking while I am reading your words and all the responses to them is, how DARE he? How dare he kick you when you were at your most vulnerable. and how dare he make you look for a new place to live while he shares your home with some tramp, and how dare he use your precious daughter as a guise for cheating on you, and how dare he think it's ok to try and blame you for it? I am so disgusted and sad for you...

 

I know  you're still searching for reasons. Why wouldn't you be? You were supposed to be able to trust him, and you couldn't. That would rip the bottom out of anyone's safe place.  The problem is, I don't think you're ever going to find a more complex answer than immaturity and selfishness. Sad but true.  I highly doubt this has anything to do with you, or anything you've done or become or how you look or anything else. Please stop looking for reasons. It'll drive you mad.

 

Can you try and focus on something in  your future? A future job goal? A weekend at an aunt's or a friend's with your babies? Coffee with girlfriends?  These little goals or treats sometimes drag me through my roughest times. Short term rewards.

 

I have been cheated on before by a serious and long term partner, and I know this pain, and how it can wreck you on so many levels. I know the words are hollow now, but the pain will subside. Talk to us, or your IRL friends and family, or both. I know I will always respond.

post #44 of 85

hug.gif thinking of you mama.  You have amazing strength that far outweighs the heartbreaking things you've been through.

post #45 of 85
Thread Starter 

Thank you to everyone who has offered such kind and heartfelt words...it means so much to me to know that there are other people out there who have been through this kind of hurt and pulled through and become stronger because of it (not that I would wish this kind of pain on anyone). I think I"m slowly (but surely) coming to a place of acceptance about this. My biggest issue at the moment is that I really have no control over her being a part of my children's lives. And I work SO hard to surround my children with GOOD people, who are kind and caring and have good morals and values. A person who is morally bankrupt and character flawed is NOT someone who I want around my kids. To them it's just a "mistake" that they made and they're "in love" and will be together for a long time, but for me it's so much bigger than that...it changes the kind of influences that will be a part of my children's lives, from here on out. 

post #46 of 85

Don't underestimate your influence as the mother, or the influence of all the other wonderful people in your children's lives. Those influences will greatly outweigh that of this woman. smile.gif

post #47 of 85
Quote:
Originally Posted by PiscesMama24 View Post

 And I work SO hard to surround my children with GOOD people, who are kind and caring and have good morals and values. A person who is morally bankrupt and character flawed is NOT someone who I want around my kids. 

aaaaah mama but they might actually help your children with that. how can you truly appreciate beauty if you dont know ugliness. wish it wasnt that way - but ahhh that is life. sometimes we dont have control over things - till we realise we didnt need to. all we had to do was be true to ourselves and that is the biggest gift you can give your children. 

 

hang in there mama. you will get through this too.  
 

while children can be gullible, children are super sleuths who smell out the lie a mile away. 

 

dont you worry mama - your children will completely amaze you. 

post #48 of 85

Really sorry to hear your story of being deceived by your husband. 

 

You did well to get sole physical custody. I was told the same thing about legal custody and was able to get sole physical custody.  This was so important to me as I had been a good, faithful wife & a great mom to our kids....  I felt I had done everything "right" and honored my commitments... only to be robbed of my family.  He bailed on the marriage & yet I was expected to hand over my kids every weekend.  Living here & living there didn't seem like the best thing for my kids, and I was concerned about who/what they would be exposed to.  I fought hard for physical custody with a very undefined custody-sharing arrangement.  I talked to my husband as we were divorcing & confronted him on how his lifestyle made it unrealistic and unsafe for him to have the kids part-time.

 

Our arrangement is that the children live with me, their home is with me.  Our door is open & he can join us for any school event, dinner, or holiday.  My ex and I have good communication about upcoming events & plans, this has worked well for us. Likely due to the fact that neither of us "lost" the kids or has been painted as the "bad" guy.

 

I think the comments by feministwarrior have merit.  You husband is immature & selfish.  Parenting requires the opposite traits.

 

From the lies your ex-H told, he is manipulative.  His girlfriend sounds even worse, like she might enjoy inflicting pain on others with her head games.  She is not anyone you want around your kids.  If she gets wind that you don't want her around your kids, she'll want to be around your kids.  

 

Chances are, she won't want to be around your kids... she's in her 20s and is really selfish.  Having kids to care for on the weekends/holidays will put a damper on their "relationship."  She will complain to him & it will become an issue.  Make it easy for your ex-H to go long stretches without seeing the kids, attending school functions, etc. & document it.  Make sure the schools have your ex-H's email address so they can send him alerts directly.... he'll blow them off & won't read them.  Be cheerful in your interactions with him, it will make it easier on your older daughter & easier for him to "forget" about the kids.  If he knows he is not going to get reamed when he returns from a long absence... he will relax into an infrequent visitation schedule that suits him & GF.  Let him become deeply involved with his new Life & girlfriend.  Let it play out.  Document the infrequency of his contact.  Dig-up whatever dirt you can on the poor judgement of your ex-H and the GF.  Hopefully this will go on for years.  Then when he moves to have more contact, you'll be armed to say this isn't the best for the kids.  This is really sad stuff.

 

I sense you are the trusting sort.  You may need to find a coach to help you steer this situation to get what YOU need for your children & self.

 

I wish you well. 

 

 

 

 

post #49 of 85

Wow, mama. I'm a newbie here just browsing around and I just wanted to say ::HUGS:: to you. I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I am so proud of you for being such a strong person all through this. I am sick to my stomach at how he [and that other woman] could do this to you. Sending you so much love and positive vibes. <3 Be well.

 

& This




Quote:
Originally Posted by Alphaghetti View Post

I am not a single parent, but I saw this thread and felt compelled to read it.

 

All I am thinking while I am reading your words and all the responses to them is, how DARE he? How dare he kick you when you were at your most vulnerable. and how dare he make you look for a new place to live while he shares your home with some tramp, and how dare he use your precious daughter as a guise for cheating on you, and how dare he think it's ok to try and blame you for it? I am so disgusted and sad for you...

 

I know  you're still searching for reasons. Why wouldn't you be? You were supposed to be able to trust him, and you couldn't. That would rip the bottom out of anyone's safe place.  The problem is, I don't think you're ever going to find a more complex answer than immaturity and selfishness. Sad but true.  I highly doubt this has anything to do with you, or anything you've done or become or how you look or anything else. Please stop looking for reasons. It'll drive you mad.

 

Can you try and focus on something in  your future? A future job goal? A weekend at an aunt's or a friend's with your babies? Coffee with girlfriends?  These little goals or treats sometimes drag me through my roughest times. Short term rewards.

 

I have been cheated on before by a serious and long term partner, and I know this pain, and how it can wreck you on so many levels. I know the words are hollow now, but the pain will subside. Talk to us, or your IRL friends and family, or both. I know I will always respond.



 

post #50 of 85

How are you doing mama???

post #51 of 85

I feel ya, mama. My kids dad started a relationship with someone and repeatedly denied it and screamed at me that I was crazy when I said I knew he was "with" her. my baby was about 4 weeks old at the time. And he's soOOoo charming, and everyone in this small town thinks he's so great.. i really have to get out of here. he has kept me isolated and damaged my self esteem and confidence, so I would not get out of the house and make friends. Would say things like "everyone in this town thinks you're totally nuts"...

It makes me so sick to think about it, but it's a challenge, and something that I am working on still.. a year and a half later. I get so angry with HER, but he is EQUALLY to blame. I thought I could forgive him (cause he wanted me back, as usual), but really, one needs a bit more self respect. !!! I can forgive, but not a split personality, schitzophrenic man.

U know, u say she has no friends.. that is a recipe for disaster. Their "relationship" is doomed to fail. such as mine and my uav.

post #52 of 85

oh, yeah, and I wanted to say... if it's any consolation, not to be spiteful, or anything, but "Karma's a Bitch"... it will all come back around, and that's why revenge isn't neccessary, just trust in the universe to do it's work. :)

post #53 of 85

I'm a cheated on spouse too :( ... I'm single now and getting happier by the day.

 

One thing that helps me, OP, is to remember that I have lost a lying cheater...whereas she has gained one. Whose the loser in this situation? He WILL do this to her and anyone else his is with in the future. Their relationship has already started in lies and betrayals. You are losing nothing but someone who will hurt you and betray you, even though it is hard and you have been hurt so deeply, things will get better. Just do the best you can, look after yourself and your children. Keep busy and don't focus on him and his life.... focus on making yourself and your babies happy. That will be your revenge :)

 

I hope you pop back for support...as you can see we are all thinking about you x

post #54 of 85
Thread Starter 

Hi Mamas, 

 

It been awhile since I've posted. I think the official introduction of his girlfriend to my children on a regular basis really sent me reeling. I'm trying really hard to be the bigger person, to not let the little things bother me. But I'll ask him a question via e-mail or text and SHE'LL respond. Or will send me e-mails about how she thinks there is a lack of "co-parenting"on my part and wants to have more open communication between all of us so we can be better co-parents for the children. The truth is, I have no desire WHATSOEVER to co-parent with this woman/girl. Unfortunately, I will have to deal with my ex-husband for the rest of my life, but I don't understand why she feels so entitled to be such a major part of my children's lives when she has done absolutely NOTHING to deserve it! Not to mention that the requests for more communication and better co-parenting aren't being made by him but by her. I just don't get it!

 

And then, last weekend, when I went to pick up my now 14 month old son and my daughter after spending the day with them, my ex hands me a ziploc bag with her writing on it that says "for Isaiah's baby album." It was a lock of hair from his first haircut! That they (or she) decided to do on their own, without even consulting me first. I tried to play it off like it was no big deal, but inside my heart was breaking. 

 

I just don't understand how anyone could be so cruel as to destroy a family in this way and then continue to dig the knife in deeper by robbing me of one of my son's firsts!

 

Anyways, I do hope that they are each other's karma. I know it sounds awful, I generally I never try to wish harm on anyone, but in these circumstances, it's warranted, right?

post #55 of 85

Oh my lord, she sounds like my ex's girlfriend (though she didn't break up our marriage). She is childless and has known my boys for just over a year of weekends and somehow thinks she's a better Mother than me. I spend a lot of time wanting to punch her in the face.

post #56 of 85
Quote:
Originally Posted by PiscesMama24 View Post

Hi Mamas, 

 

It been awhile since I've posted. I think the official introduction of his girlfriend to my children on a regular basis really sent me reeling. I'm trying really hard to be the bigger person, to not let the little things bother me. But I'll ask him a question via e-mail or text and SHE'LL respond. Or will send me e-mails about how she thinks there is a lack of "co-parenting"on my part and wants to have more open communication between all of us so we can be better co-parents for the children. The truth is, I have no desire WHATSOEVER to co-parent with this woman/girl. Unfortunately, I will have to deal with my ex-husband for the rest of my life, but I don't understand why she feels so entitled to be such a major part of my children's lives when she has done absolutely NOTHING to deserve it! Not to mention that the requests for more communication and better co-parenting aren't being made by him but by her. I just don't get it!

 

And then, last weekend, when I went to pick up my now 14 month old son and my daughter after spending the day with them, my ex hands me a ziploc bag with her writing on it that says "for Isaiah's baby album." It was a lock of hair from his first haircut! That they (or she) decided to do on their own, without even consulting me first. I tried to play it off like it was no big deal, but inside my heart was breaking. 

 

I just don't understand how anyone could be so cruel as to destroy a family in this way and then continue to dig the knife in deeper by robbing me of one of my son's firsts!

 

Anyways, I do hope that they are each other's karma. I know it sounds awful, I generally I never try to wish harm on anyone, but in these circumstances, it's warranted, right?


hug2.gif My ex doesn't have a girlfriend (I would never wish him on even my worst enemy), but his family is just as bad if not worse. They gave my ds his first haircut, AND THEY BAPTIZED HIM! In secret! I'm so sorry, it does get better with time (but I wouldn't respond to his gf, I don't talk parenting with anyone other than my ex - everyone else can go to hell).

 

post #57 of 85

     I would send this gf a nice polite email explaining how she isn't  your childrens parent. Included in the email would be a few lines explaining how you feel it is your xh's responsibility to man up and parent your children, and be the one to improve co parenting skills as, after all, he is the childrens father.

     Sadly with the haircut issue, I don't think anyone who isn't a parent can understand the importance of such times as a first haircut. I know I didn't until I was a mother.

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by PiscesMama24 View Post

Hi Mamas, 

 

It been awhile since I've posted. I think the official introduction of his girlfriend to my children on a regular basis really sent me reeling. I'm trying really hard to be the bigger person, to not let the little things bother me. But I'll ask him a question via e-mail or text and SHE'LL respond. Or will send me e-mails about how she thinks there is a lack of "co-parenting"on my part and wants to have more open communication between all of us so we can be better co-parents for the children. The truth is, I have no desire WHATSOEVER to co-parent with this woman/girl. Unfortunately, I will have to deal with my ex-husband for the rest of my life, but I don't understand why she feels so entitled to be such a major part of my children's lives when she has done absolutely NOTHING to deserve it! Not to mention that the requests for more communication and better co-parenting aren't being made by him but by her. I just don't get it!

 

And then, last weekend, when I went to pick up my now 14 month old son and my daughter after spending the day with them, my ex hands me a ziploc bag with her writing on it that says "for Isaiah's baby album." It was a lock of hair from his first haircut! That they (or she) decided to do on their own, without even consulting me first. I tried to play it off like it was no big deal, but inside my heart was breaking. 

 

I just don't understand how anyone could be so cruel as to destroy a family in this way and then continue to dig the knife in deeper by robbing me of one of my son's firsts!

 

Anyways, I do hope that they are each other's karma. I know it sounds awful, I generally I never try to wish harm on anyone, but in these circumstances, it's warranted, right?



 

post #58 of 85

oh mama- I am so so so sorry. I can't begin to imagine.  My ex has a wife- and it's hard- but we do not communicate with each other at all. All communication is between ex and I. I do not have her phone number even.

 

Let her know there will be no further communication from you to her and let your ex know the same.

post #59 of 85
She sounds horrible! My older kids dads wife does that and it took a long time before it stopped making me angry. I would probably send an email to him saying that you coparent with him and that you will only correspond with him.
post #60 of 85

I know how much it hurts, especially to that extreme and with all of the extra complications, but you need to know you are so much better off without him. You deserve someone who will truly appreciate and respect you.

 

I took a lesson away from a similar experience that now I know to always trust my gut and to run screaming from anyone who tries to mess with that intuition.

 

It will take time, but you will see how it's better, how it's an opportunity, how you can do better. Be good to yourself.

New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Single Parenting
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Single Parenting › I walked in on my husband and another woman...in our home.