How bad is this, really?

[Amatullah0]

I didn't know if I should post in GD or here, but since the toddler forum was already open, and I have a slow connection, I decided to post here. :P

BG: Me and DS have been living at the inlaws(on the other side of the world) since mid-feb. DH is still in the states. Back home, it was just me and DS stuck at home all day while DH was at work. I've had a bit of a struggle with them already, wanting to feed him junk constantly(first thing he ate here were cakes, hes eating chips, cookies, etc.(all with hydrogenated oils, white flours, and glucose syrups or sugars, and added flavorings and colorings). He's also gotten worse behavior-wise. He is incredibly attached to his aunts and uncle, and usually doesn't want anything to do with me. Problem is, sometimes aunties and uncles have to leave the house to do things like go to school. He will cry and cry when he knows they are about to leave. He is also obsessed with going downstairs(where the motorbike is, he's also obsessed with the motorbike(and uncle drives it to school). It mostly seems like it could be normal toddler behavior(terrible 2s?), but I do think it has to do with the food too(which I'm working with them on)

But the issue I'm having is getting him to calm down when they are leaving. In the beginning, they would lie to him, and tell him that "auntie isn't leaving" "auntie is in the room" "go look for her inside(cause she's inside)" I told them that they are "not allowed" to lie to him, and now they only do it when they forget(i think). They still say things like "oh! aunti! listen! shes coming upstairs?" to make him calm down when hes crying (it never works, because i think it just reminds him that shes not here. 

What I'm asking about though is, today, DS was crying when she left, and MIL came out of her room with a packet of cookies for DS(the kind of cookies I'd rather him not be eating. How bad is that really? I mean, to give a kid food/treats to calm him down? Not something I would do on my own, but wondering if this is a battle I should fight.

[crunchy_mommy]

I would not (do not) allow family/friends to give DS junk but I think that's a personal choice... However, giving food to get him to calm down could be a dangerous path... If it was a once-in-a-while thing, I doubt it would do much damage, but on a regular basis, it could lead him to equate food with comfort and cause food issues down the line... so I'd tread really carefully there. Maybe develop a little list of other ways to calm him down so the inlaws can help in a more constructive way?

[OTMomma]

I think the poor food choices could be leading to the tantrums.  When my oldest was that age, eating foods with artificialcolors and flavors generally meant she would have lots of tantrums for little or no reason,once I figured out what was going on, and cut out those foods, the random tantrums mostly stopped.  I would work on finding ways to help your ds calm down during these transitions- a game, an outing, a song, something to help him transition that you can use regularly, maybe even something he can count on.  A certain amount of difficult behaior is just part of being 2, like wanting to get into things that they shouldn't- he wants to learn about everything in his world, so the challenge is to keep him safe while he does that.

[OTMomma]

Another thought- he may also have anxiety when people leave because of the transition to moving so far from everything he knew, and not seeing his dad.  Having aunt and uncle tell him when they will be back- like "I'll be back just before dinner" may actually help him the most to understand they are actually coming back.  It will probably take them doing this repeatedly and not lying about it for him to understand- they really are going to come back when they say they will.  A child that young doesn't really understand why his dad is too far away to be there for bedtime, but other people won't be going so far and will be home soon- 2year olds just can't understand geography on that level.  So each time they leave, he may worry he will never see them again.

[physmom]

Living with the in-laws in insanely hard.  We had to do it for just 2 months and I thought I was going to lose it.  I TRIED so hard to get DD to eat the healthy foods that we were used to at home but it was like running up Mt Everest because there was always so much junk around.  Eventually we became lax (and we also has some other serious issues going on where DH and I were both checked out for awhile). 

That being said we've since moved out and while we still have DD begging for cookies a lot she's transitioned back into our healthy eating habits nicely after about a month.  We don't eat sugar as a general rule in our house so she'll get cookies with natural sweeteners that are significantly less sweet than store bought ones.  At first she did complain a bit but she got used to them. 

As for the comfort feeding.  The in-laws did that but again, it was something that we were able to move away from.  We do normally let DD have a snack that she wouldn't normally get when we go grocery shopping or to the mall but that's it. 

How permanent is your current living arrangement?  If it's only temporary you might just try to survive for a bit but if not you'll probably have to stand your ground.  Just my .

[Amatullah0]

It's not at all permanent, but it's long-term for a toddler. We're coming home at the end of june(DH is coming here in the end of may though). DS isn't verbal yet, and that makes it a little bit more difficult I think. If he wants something(keys, sugar, to go downstairs, whatever), he points to where he thinks it is(he usually remembers) and says "mmmmm! mmmmm!" or "ehhhhh!, ehhhhh!"

I've forgotten what he was like when DH would leave in the morning. Some days, DS wouldn't be awake yet when he left, but when he was awake, he would be fine if he got to wave bye to him as he left. And he knew what time DH was supposed to come home(5ish)(he would get really cranky if DH wasn't home yet at 6 or 7, but starting around 4pm, he would get excited if he heard someone outside of our door(apartment). Maybe I'll start encouraging him to see them off. 

We don't usually keep sweet things at home. We have a jar for sugar though(and he sometimes eats plain white sugar here(and ew, does white sugar normally have a chemical odor to it? but I think their salt smells the same way. It might be the containers they keep things in, everything here seems like castoffs from china.)) In the week or 2 before we left, DH bought a box of chocolates, and DS would usually know where it was(we would change the hiding place) and if he saw it, he would cry for it, and i admit, we did feed him way too many of those. If we have sweets at home(in the states) they're usually homemade(and have way better ingredients than some store bought mystery junk.) But then again, I don't think there are actually any laws about putting ingredients on packaging here. About half of the (manufactured) things we buy don't have the ingredients labeled.

[Amatullah0]

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy  giving food to get him to calm down could be a dangerous path... 

This is what I'm worried about. I've been mostly focusing on avoiding junk(which I think might be more important, because it affects him *now* while the time and place for giving it is something we'll probably be able to reverse later(especially since we don't *have* this kind of junk at home. The only time I will buy something so fake is if DH wants it and there's no other substitute for it(and I tell him not to feed it to DS) (and this might mean there is a maximum of 2 types of foods like this in the house, last I knew, there was an instant drink mix, and cake rusk in the house. We do go weeks with no fake junk at all at home though sometimes)

But, I'm worried that he will learn even worse behavior, expecting a treat whenever he tantrums. He usually calms down if I sit with him while he tantrums, and I talk to him softly and explain what is going on, why he isn't getting what he wants, and his other options. It's OK with me if he cries, if he tantrums. When he tantrums, its not my goal to get him to stop, its my goal to help him feel better. BUT, my inlaws don't get that. My parents probably don't get that either, but I don't think he's ever really tantrumed at their house before(especially since it's gotten WAY worse since we got here.) 

[physmom]

Ok, so you're going to be there almost half a year total?  Is your DH going to join you at some point soon?  If not I'd definitely confront them about it.  We were with the in-laws for 2 months and that was long enough to have to struggle that 1st month afterwards getting out of bad habits.  However, almost half a year is a good chunk of time for someone so young.  Could you sit down the in-laws and just kindly tell them some basic rules for him?  Just be really upfront so they know what you guys do and don't do? 

[Amatullah0]

Originally Posted by physmom 

Ok, so you're going to be there almost half a year total?  Is your DH going to join you at some point soon?  If not I'd definitely confront them about it.  We were with the in-laws for 2 months and that was long enough to have to struggle that 1st month afterwards getting out of bad habits.  However, almost half a year is a good chunk of time for someone so young.  Could you sit down the in-laws and just kindly tell them some basic rules for him?  Just be really upfront so they know what you guys do and don't do? 

yep, 5 months + other side of the world = constant contact(can't even leave the house to go to a library or whatever, they don't really have anywhere to go and just hang out or play that I could go by myself. I don't speak the language either. MIL doesn't really speak english, and I can't communicate everything i'm trying to in urdu. BILs/SILs speak english, but I think culture(and general inlaw-eyness) makes them feel like my kid is their kid too. This is a culture where children live with their parents forever, the kids stay at home until they get married(or even after they are married), and then(usually the oldest son, my DH) brings them to live in his house(to torment his wife, lol) So my point is, I feel like my feelings about this aren't supposed to be valid here.

DH is coming in 7 weeks, and he's staying here a month before we go back home.

I'm definitely going to make sure they still know next time it comes up, either the next time they try to bribe him with food, or the next time they go shopping(I'll make sure I go with them if I can).

Last night he was sick with the beginnings of a cold, and they wanted to give him tylenol(not something I give him or even use myself, but it's something that they take for the smallest pain). Thank god they couldn't find it(and there's also only one dose left in the bottle anyways), because I was too sleepy to fight them about it(I went to sleep after they asked me where it was and I told them I didn't know, and I hoped they wouldn't find it either)

[physmom]

yep, 5 months + other side of the world = constant contact(can't even leave the house to go to a library or whatever, they don't really have anywhere to go and just hang out or play that I could go by myself. I don't speak the language either. MIL doesn't really speak english, and I can't communicate everything i'm trying to in urdu. BILs/SILs speak english, but I think culture(and general inlaw-eyness) makes them feel like my kid is their kid too. This is a culture where children live with their parents forever, the kids stay at home until they get married(or even after they are married), and then(usually the oldest son, my DH) brings them to live in his house(to torment his wife, lol) So my point is, I feel like my feelings about this aren't supposed to be valid here.

Oh, wow, I can really relate to that.  DH is actually an only child so the in-laws are our sole responsibility.  DH's grandparents are still alive and you can only imagine how we're treated by them.  I'm sure his grandma would try and spoon feed me if I'd let her. (actually DH's cousin DID have her food cut up for her until she was about 12?)... If I were you I'd talk to DH about it then and let him handle it since there's the language barrier.  Plus, it sounds like he'll be able to communicate it better to them than BIL/SIL's because he understands your parenting style better. 

And lots of to you.  I really do like my in-laws but it's exhausting staying with them that long!!!!  I hope the time goes by quickly for you.  Towards the end of my time with them (DH had already moved to our new place and we were waiting for a few things to fall into place before I could leave), I finally had to just set a date and leave ASAP because I couldn't do it anymore.  I'm not 100% fluent in their language either (they also don't speak any English) but I can speak well enough to get by just fine around the house.  Even with that I felt very much alone in that situation.