I try not to get emotionally involved... it's still VERY hard for me, but I've gotten better! One reason I have sort of passed up the idea of becoming a midwife. I think I may just be too opinionated for the better good of the birthing mom- I certainly make a better doula.
But now I'm facing my OWN issues and it literally has me so steamed I've had to put myself on bed rest to refocus.
Up until recently I have REALLY been debating doing a UC and just hanging at home with my beautiful family and my spa tub and my singing birds and duck pond. 20 mos ago I had a great hospital birth but.. mostly because I was in a fabulous mindframe. The midwife/nurses/hospital didnt really contribute at ALL other than the fact I had the tub and meds for my afterpains available.
I went in for my midwivery appointment 36.5 weeks along at the teaching hospital I attend (OHSU) on Wednesday. After sending me into the bathroom for my GBS swab, checking me at my request (his head is literally at +1 station and she commented how he was RIGHT THERE.... and I was just over a cent dilated which confirmed my own checking) the midwife informed my my titers were up last month significantly (usually is a trace antibody identification and the last labs showed 1-7 titers) so she wanted to get another titer draw, an ultrasound and... after consulting the perinataologist- they wanted to induce me before 39 weeks.
I think my Jaw dropped off my face bounced off the bed I was on and landed somewhere inbetween the chairs my other girls were sitting on across the room.
I have an antibody to an antigen my husband carries and so I have to be monitored to make sure Im not fighting off the baby in case the baby has that gene trait too. A rise in antibody titers would show my body has detected that the baby is antigen positive and that I was producing antibodies to fight them off. My last one is antigen positive and although I never fought her off, that's not to say that sometime during pregnancy the babies blood wouldnt pass into mine and I wouldnt start then.
I explained to her that IF my titers came back higher and there was a sign on the US that I was fighting him off, I would only consent to them stripping my membranes to get me going first. NO CERVADIL or anything like that and Pit was to be LAST resort and only to get labor going... I felt instantly like I was in a whirlwind.
MY ISSUE was that, instead of saying, "Well let's check your titers now and get the ultrasound to rule out issues and if it shows anything then I want to consult with the perinatologist..." she just went to them and was fine with the induction prescription. This is supposed to be my MIDWIFE! She is one of many I see there, but still!
So I was sent on a marathon by being worked in for an ultrasound- everything was fine only his heart rate was a tad low sticking at about 110 beats. So off to fetal monitoring I go because they were 'concerned' and he had elevations but still stuck mostly around 110. Mind you I was FREEZING and my midwife later told me that could be causing it.... FIVE hours later. But they still wanted me to come in for bi-weekly monitoring. Of course- maybe they wanted to fund some new art for the hallways....
My titers came back... they're the same, so no change.... which is good meaning Im not creating more antibodies or fighting off the baby. But... WHY is the induction prescription still standing...?
The next day I was stressed out. The what-ifs were filling my head... what if his heartrate wasnt low because I was cold.. etc, etc, etc.
So I took a bath and realized.. that I had developed an ouchy sore spot vaginally and then I freaked. I havent had a SINGLE herpes sore breakout this whole pregnancy until now. WHY NOW????
I got my Valtrex ordered and the next day- yup, it was indeed a sore. BEAUTIFUL. And they want to induce me.... Im not having it. So all of yesterday I have been set about resting and getting this thing cleared up ASAP and then I check the status of my GBS on my online chart.
So, some incarnation of evil has it out for me. At this point Im just fuming. FUMING. I see my beautiful natural waterbirth going out the window and intervention creeping in. There is NO way Im having a UC with GBS or with the sore still lingering... and I could literally go at any time. He's been engaged in the pelvis for weeks resting right on my cervix. Im afraid to even check myself now to see if Im just having BH or if I might be in labor because Im changing.
It hasnt been a good week... Im depressed and Im avoiding people who dont understand my passion for how IMPORTANT natural birth is...