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Things dad gets to do that mom doesn't - Page 2

post #21 of 84

I'm a little embarrassed because in my house, this list looks more like "things that Laohaire can do that her DH can't."

post #22 of 84

I cant really think of anythng but that's probably because DH is the SAHP and Panda is very attached to him.  So when I'm home we take turns caring for her.  we also love all taking a shower together, it's really nice.  she also has a big brother who will look out for her if we need to get some mama and daddy time :P

post #23 of 84


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by zinemama View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by LROM View Post

The way my DH developed the kind of relationship with dd where he can take her out and give me some hours to do my own thing (which, most of the time, is family/house stuff that MUST be done anyway, but often I get a little me time in there too) is my DH took her out of the house on "adventures" (just regular stuff, park, walks, zoo, to visit friends) This way they developed a stronger relationship.



This was the way it worked for us, too. My ds wasn't particularly clingy - maybe because starting at 8 months, dh would take him for about 4-5 hours every Saturday while I went off to recharge. Dh took the baby on errands to the hardware store, on trips to the park, etc. Ds was accustomed to being with his other parent from a very young age.

I don't think any child needs mama around and paying attention to her all the time. Not when there are two parents in the picture. I just don't. Believing that only they can meet a child's needs is a trap mothers (in particular) fall into too frequently. Often to the detriment of their own needs.
 


I think another trap many fall into is the idea that a baby/toddler expressing distress that daddy is taking them somewhere or that they're not with mommy for a short time means that the baby/toddler isn't ready to be away from mommy and so you don't do it.  Well, I guess I shouldn't call that a "trap" because I guess it gets to different perspectives on parenting... but I think it's not good for any baby or toddler (or any kid) to be with one parent 24/7 for months and years.  All of my SAHM friends (I work full time) make sure their partners have alone time with their kids from a young age (although it's never too late to start this), and that seems to help everyone have better, more even relationships.  

 

Kids and families are all unique of course, so I'm not saying at all that this works for everyone.  It's just my view (and seems to be the common view in my community) that it's healthy to have babes and kids get to know the other parent or other loved, trusted adults and not be with mommy every minute of every day for months/years.  It's better for mommy's mental health too, hence this thread!

 

Even when dd was 2 months old, DH took her on walks in the baby carrier, not so much to give me a break but more to just get to know her himself and get her used to him.

post #24 of 84
I am currently reading "Equally Shared Parenting" and although I don't think it will be an exact fit for my family, it's really interesting. It might give you some ideas for how to balance things out a bit!!! Although I get that this was just a vent, I still think you could take some steps to improve your quality of life. Like get a book light so you can read while nursing!!! And I strongly feel that if your DH has time to read & play video games, he also has time to watch your baby while you take a hot bath or whatever.

I have an incredibly high-needs DS who is completely mommy-centric and it's super hard to get any kind of real balance, but we're working on it, and he's way more adaptable than I give him credit for!! DS & DH took off for almost 3 hours one Saturday (longest I've ever been away from DS!) and he did just fine, even though if he was home he'd *need* to nurse several times and get lots of mommy time... and I have to say, taking a dump in private, with the door closed, was the highlight of my 3 hours. lol.gif So I really can relate smile.gif but don't give up, if your DH is willing and able, I'm sure you can work out something!!
post #25 of 84
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ldavis24 View Post



I think you are reading way too much into it! 

 

Seriously, I feel the same way OP...It's not that my DH doesn't give me the chance to read a book, or surf the web or take a shower alone. He offers all the time! It's that my DD is super clingy and needs mama around and paying attention to her all the time. The kid will literally slam a book shut on me to get me to pay attention to her...

 

DH tries to distract DD so I can eat my meal in peace but guess what, she wants mama! I totally empathize with you OP I am so right there these days.

 

DD cries if I shut the bathroom door to pee even when DH is home. Does she do that for DH? No way!
 

 

 

I see her point too but I am right there with you.  I could have sworn that I wrote what you did! 

 

It literally breaks DH's heart not to be lactating (lol) and when the boys are together without me (not often, say 4 hours a week) they are just perfect together.  DS (22 months) will sign for milk and DH explains that his do not work and DS will look at his hands like "why don't you understand" or "am I doing the wrong sign?" ....  kinda funny.   And trust me, he was nursed prior to my departure and is not in need at that time. 

 

I think after DS weans himself DH will be able to be more of a parent to him.  Not saying he isn't now, he is a fantastic father, I just feel that he will be able to help more in the ways that he wants to be able to. 

post #26 of 84
Quote:
Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy View Post


I have an incredibly high-needs DS who is completely mommy-centric and it's super hard to get any kind of real balance, but we're working on it, and he's way more adaptable than I give him credit for!! DS & DH took off for almost 3 hours one Saturday (longest I've ever been away from DS!) and he did just fine, even though if he was home he'd *need* to nurse several times and get lots of mommy time... and I have to say, taking a dump in private, with the door closed, was the highlight of my 3 hours. lol.gif So I really can relate smile.gif but don't give up, if your DH is willing and able, I'm sure you can work out something!!


 

I can completely relate and I just laughed my ass off reading your post.  biglaugh.gif  Thank you for the laugh!

post #27 of 84

I wanted to say that DD does in fact go on "adventures" with daddy all the time! They go to the grocery store together, out on errands together and that is when I get "me" time. They also go visit his dad for several hours at a time and she is totally fine.

Despite all that DD is still a cling-on. I guess I deserve it because she skipped the whole stranger danger/cling to mommy phase when she was much younger. I feel like she is making up for it in spades now!winky.gif She is very very lovely with her daddy (it melts my heart, as it I'm sure it does for all us mamas) but she still is super clingy to me! If someone could tell me how to unglue her that would make my day, week and month all at once.

 

ETA: isn't there something just so awesome about pooping with the door shut, in privacy, just you alone with the toiletluxlove.gif Love it!

 

Also, I notice too that when we are home DD "needs" to nurse about 80% more than when she is out with daddy or just when we are out and about in general, but try telling her no to nursing at home and it is like WW3

post #28 of 84
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ldavis24 View Post

 

Also, I notice too that when we are home DD "needs" to nurse about 80% more than when she is out with daddy or just when we are out and about in general, but try telling her no to nursing at home and it is like WW3


Me too.  Interesting huh. 

 

post #29 of 84
I've read the Op three times and for the life of me....I cannot figure out why you don't change some things. There's no reason not to pass your child so you can finish dinner. There's no reason for the other parent not to get up during the night... he can at least change her diaper and comfort her if you've done nursing. There's no reason not to go to the bathroom by yourself if he's home.There's no reason you can't do the shopping in the evening if your baby won't need to nurse while your gone. Make some changes, OP. It's his kid, too!
post #30 of 84

Lots of posters are commenting that the OP should just change things and let her dh take more responsibility. I'm not sure of her dh's work schedule, but when my kids were babies/toddlers my dh would have frequent stints of working from 5 or 6 a.m. to 7 or 8 p.m. Not to mention frequent overnight travel. There simply wasn't much time for him to take much on around the house and with the kids. However, his workplace is very family-friendly and I could always drop the kids off there for a couple hours if I needed to during the day. Thankfully, his hard work has paid off for our family in a major way.  But...the kids STILL (they're 6 and 9) will come in the bathroom when I'm in the shower to ask for help with something. Even if dh is readily available. *Sigh*

post #31 of 84
Quote:
Originally Posted by philomom View Post

I've read the Op three times and for the life of me....I cannot figure out why you don't change some things. There's no reason not to pass your child so you can finish dinner. There's no reason for the other parent not to get up during the night... he can at least change her diaper and comfort her if you've done nursing. There's no reason not to go to the bathroom by yourself if he's home.There's no reason you can't do the shopping in the evening if your baby won't need to nurse while your gone. Make some changes, OP. It's his kid, too!


Maybe I am wrong but I think was more a humorous, joking kind of complaint list that a lot of us mamas can relate too. I doubt that it is a constant issue for her every day. Then again maybe I am wrong...Eh who am I?redface.gif

 

post #32 of 84
Quote:
Originally Posted by philomom View Post

I've read the Op three times and for the life of me....I cannot figure out why you don't change some things. There's no reason not to pass your child so you can finish dinner. There's no reason for the other parent not to get up during the night... he can at least change her diaper and comfort her if you've done nursing. There's no reason not to go to the bathroom by yourself if he's home.There's no reason you can't do the shopping in the evening if your baby won't need to nurse while your gone. Make some changes, OP. It's his kid, too!

yeahthat.gif
 

 

post #33 of 84

I don't think the OP necessarily needs to revamp her life. I do the lion's share (or should I say lioness' share? It would be more accurate) of the housework & baby care, while my husband brings in 100% of our family income. He's a good provider & works long hours. I personally feel like we're on equal footing, and maybe the OP feels that way too (it does seem like they both work for money though). Still, even feeling that way, I have days when I feel overwhelmed with the responsibility of it all & I suspect (well, I know) my husband feels the same from time to time as well. I read an interesting study a while back (sorry, can't recall the source). It talked about feeling happy within your marriage. One of the major predictors for a happy marriage was a clear vision of what was expected from each partner. It didn't really matter how the work was split, or whether or not it was equally divided, so long as everyone was very clear about who does what.

post #34 of 84

I feel you, OP. I'm a SAHM and DH works long hours so the child care is mostly mine. He helps out by bathing the big kids & putting them to bed each night. I don't and have never expected him to get up in the night with the kids because it's easier for me- flop out a boob &  nurse a baby back to sleep- it's not like he physically CAN. If I need him to help, if a baby is cranky or inconsolable, he'll take a shift, but that's very very rare.

 

What I am most jealous of his is ability to announce he's going to do something whenever he wants, and DO IT. i.e. I'm going to take a shower now. I'm going to the store. I have to wait until baby is asleep or awake and happy and rush around before that changes. I don't run on my own schedule. However, the baby is only 6 wks old so it wasn't that long ago that I WAS able to do those things, and I know I will be able to again soon.

 

I'm also jealous of his daily adult interaction. SAHM of 3 doesn't get that much. And when I do, it's talking about kids!!

post #35 of 84
Quote:
Originally Posted by Doodlebugsmom View Post

Lots of posters are commenting that the OP should just change things and let her dh take more responsibility. I'm not sure of her dh's work schedule, but when my kids were babies/toddlers my dh would have frequent stints of working from 5 or 6 a.m. to 7 or 8 p.m. Not to mention frequent overnight travel. There simply wasn't much time for him to take much on around the house and with the kids...


I think the OP's mention of "reading for hours" and "playing video games" led some of us to believe that he's spending big chunks of downtime at home. 

post #36 of 84
Quote:
Originally Posted by limabean View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by Doodlebugsmom View Post

Lots of posters are commenting that the OP should just change things and let her dh take more responsibility. I'm not sure of her dh's work schedule, but when my kids were babies/toddlers my dh would have frequent stints of working from 5 or 6 a.m. to 7 or 8 p.m. Not to mention frequent overnight travel. There simply wasn't much time for him to take much on around the house and with the kids...


I think the OP's mention of "reading for hours" and "playing video games" led some of us to believe that he's spending big chunks of downtime at home.


Yes, that was my impression. Not that he is working for hours everyday and is never home but that when his home he does what he pleases and doesn't pitch in and help.
post #37 of 84
Thread Starter 

I did not mean to imply that dad does nothing around the house.  He works long hours at a start up, sleeps poorly, gets tired.  He takes the kid on weekends while I work; he does the evening routine including bath and books.  It's not a day-to-day thing that bugs me -- mostly I'm fine -- but sometimes I am overwhelmed with what I'm doing and, to an even greater extent, with what I'm not doing.  He reads or games in the hour(s) I put the kid to bed; I come out around 10, and he's ready to sleep but my day is just beginning.  When I'm nursing the kid to sleep I have a laundry list of things going through my head: things I could be doing and will need to do anyway.  Shower, poop, clean the house, scoop the cat box.  Check my e-mail and make sure my advisor hasn't disowned me.  Have an adult conversation with someone.  Get some exercise.  Whatever.

 

I don't think my life needs to be revamped.  It is comforting to know other mommas feel this way sometimes, and it is encouraging to hear that this phase passes.  I know it's all temporary, that my kid won't need me day and night forever (this was sad to hear, but helps).  We're starting day care in May, for the first time ever, and every time I think about it I cry.  But when I'm in the moment, sometimes the feeling is overwhelming!

 

post #38 of 84

I read the reading a book for hours thing as at night when she is putting the kids to bed, not that he is reading while she is busy dealing with tantrums and making meals and cleaning... it also doesn't say he plays video games for hours.. just that he plays.

 

Although I agree.. IF he is doing whatever he pleases willy nilly and leaving OP to never have down time for herself, that is pretty unfair and not right.  It seems to me though more like it was written about the things that are harder for a nursing SAHM to do because of having to work around a nursing kid who is used to having mom there all the time.

 

I also agree that I'd rather not be able to read as much though than have to be away from kiddo a lot more because I don't have the luxury of being at home all day with her... the other side isn't better... just different challenges.

post #39 of 84

All I have to say is...You have GOT to get a kindle.  I LOVE my kindle.  Totally changed my life.  I couldn't really read a book anymore because nursing and page turning is impossible.  The sound and movement ALWAYS wakes my babies up.  But, with my kindle, I can read anything anywhere, and one handed, too.  There are children's stories you can get, too.  So, sometimes, when I'm standing up nursing a fussy baby who won't let me sit, I put my older kids in their beds and dance the baby in the middle of the room and they can STILL get a bedtime story.  Ah, I LOVE my kindle.

post #40 of 84
Quote:
Originally Posted by Just1More View Post

All I have to say is...You have GOT to get a kindle.  I LOVE my kindle.  Totally changed my life.  I couldn't really read a book anymore because nursing and page turning is impossible.  The sound and movement ALWAYS wakes my babies up.  But, with my kindle, I can read anythLasing anywhere, and one handed, too.  There are children's stories you can get, too.  So, sometimes, when I'm standing up nursing a fussy baby who won't let me sit, I put my older kids in their beds and dance the baby in the middle of the room and they can STILL get a bedtime story.  Ah, I LOVE my kindle.



I always thought it would help with trying to read and nurse...I have actually dropped a copy of the Lord of The Rings on her head (all 3 books, it was pretty heavyduh.gif) trying to turn the pages and nurse her to sleep at nap time. This has only confirmed I know what I am asking for for Mother's Day!wink1.gif


Edited by Ldavis24 - 4/7/11 at 5:29am
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