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Things dad gets to do that mom doesn't - Page 3

post #41 of 84
Quote:
Originally Posted by Just1More View Post

All I have to say is...You have GOT to get a kindle.  I LOVE my kindle.  Totally changed my life.  I couldn't really read a book anymore because nursing and page turning is impossible.  The sound and movement ALWAYS wakes my babies up.  But, with my kindle, I can read anything anywhere, and one handed, too.  There are children's stories you can get, too.  So, sometimes, when I'm standing up nursing a fussy baby who won't let me sit, I put my older kids in their beds and dance the baby in the middle of the room and they can STILL get a bedtime story.  Ah, I LOVE my kindle.



Oh how I wish I could send a Kindle back in time to when I was endlessly nursing babies who woke up at the slightest noise. I love it now, too, of course.

post #42 of 84

I was jealous that dh could get our babies to sleep at night without nursing them! I could come home from grocery shopping or whatever and the baby would be in the crib or asleep on dh in the recliner. Let me try that and we'd have two screaming babies LOL He also was able to get certain things done around the house quicker than I was, when somehow I couldn't as well with toddlers clinging to me. He didn't let them run wild, either. I still don't know how that happened!

The worst thing was that dh slept through the night...I'd get so angry about that. My last baby nursed during the night until she was 14 months old and that was a looong time of waking up through the night. Not good for me. I'd look at dh sleeping and snoring and just want to hurt him. That part passes, though. Now only the snoring gets on my nerves.

post #43 of 84
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ldavis24 View Post

Maybe I am wrong but I think was more a humorous, joking kind of complaint list that a lot of us mamas can relate too. I doubt that it is a constant issue for her every day. Then again maybe I am wrong...Eh who am I?redface.gif

 


You know, after reading the OP's most recent reply, I think you're right. Sorry to have contributed to the taking-it-too-seriously tangent of this thread, OP. We're all overwhelmed sometimes and have moments of wishing we had the perks that we feel our partner has. 

post #44 of 84

My DH helps out quite a bit and is great with the kids, but there are still some things I get jealous of:

 

- He gets to go to the gym.  He's able to get up early and go (I can't as I get the kids ready in the morning and off to the sitter).  Or he goes after work before coming home (again, I can't as he gets off like 3 hours earlier than me and goes before picking up the kids).  I tried going to the gym a couple times on the weekend, but I had to come home after less than 1/2 hour because my constantly nursing baby needed me.  I gave up, and am looking forward to the nice weather so I can run outside.

 

- Drinking.  I love me some beer.  But nursing and drinking don't quite go well together.  If there is a rare occassion of even being able to be drunk since my son was born 2+ yrs ago, it doesn't work anyways because I cannot take care of the kids with a hangover.

 

I know thats only two, but really he helps out with most other things, like dinner, baths, bedtime, etc.  I'm up a lot at night but thats cuz I'm still nursing.  While I get frustrated every once in a while that he can't help me with the baby at night, its usually after a weeks worth of sleepness nights.  He lets me take a nap and I'm all good.

post #45 of 84
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by limabean View Post

You know, after reading the OP's most recent reply, I think you're right. Sorry to have contributed to the taking-it-too-seriously tangent of this thread, OP. We're all overwhelmed sometimes and have moments of wishing we had the perks that we feel our partner has. 


No worries -- I love that everyone comes up with really great suggestions on how to help the situation. :-)

 

post #46 of 84
Quote:
Originally Posted by fireHC11 View Post

Sometimes it strikes me as unfair, all the things my SO gets to do that I don't, as a mom.  This is a vent, but maybe I can find solace in knowing I'm not alone in these feelings.  

 

Here is my list.

 

- Reading a book. He gets to read while I nurse our kid to bed.  For hours.  Lying in the dark.

- Going to work, and staying at work.  If there's a problem or the kid needs care, that's my job.

- Keeping a schedule. My schedule revolves around our kid.

- Playing video games. Seriously?

- Sleeping a full stretch. If he wants, he can sleep in another room so the quiet sounds of our kid's every-few-hours nursing don't wake him.

- Eating a meal all the way through.

- Working toward a deadline. When I have a deadline, I have to plan weeks in advance, because I don't get to pull all-nighters.

- Going to the bathroom. Seriously, spending some time sitting on the can. Alone. With the door shut.

- Showering alone.

 

What is it for you -- what do you miss out on that your SO doesn't?

 

Well, for the reading one, I've found that an e-reader device doesn't wake my dd. And he took dd into the shower with him plenty of times. And he's done the 3am-5am shift more than once.

 

The rest of it---AND HOW!

 

Mind you, it's already starting to get better, and now they can go to the park together and give me some time. Some day it might even be on a regular basis!!

 

post #47 of 84


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by fireHC11 View Post

- Going to the bathroom. Seriously, spending some time sitting on the can. Alone. With the door shut.

- Showering alone.

I can remember my mom saying in total exasperation once when we were kids, "I just want to go to the bathroom by myself. Can I please just use the toilet in peace?" Now, I know her pain. I do shut the door sometimes, only to have somebody bang on it with a wooden block or insist that they need to potty too!

 

I am the breadwinner in our family, so I am jealous that DH gets to stay with the kids. He gets to go to the park with them. He gets to hang out in the back yard on a blanket eating peanut butter crackers and sit with his feet in the kiddy pool in the summer. He can take them out to a friend's farm to feed the goats and hear my older son say, "Hi, chickens!" I'm stuck in my boring old office. (Don't get me wrong, I know the SAH part is crazy-making in some ways too.)

 

He gets to hang out and eat donuts and drink coffee with his friend until noon while they let the kids play together.

 

And there's a lot of stuff that I fantasize that I could do if I were home that he doesn't do, things like, start getting dinner ready before 5:30 or 6 p.m., sort through outgrown clothing and take it to the thrift store, take myself and the older child to the dentist for a check-up, go to the library when they have puppet shows during the middle of the day, go to the nearby state park for a picnic and little hike with the kids, walk the dog (the 3-legged, 14 year old dog who only needs to go for a 1/2 mile walk, and it would be nice to do it in the daytime instead of when everyone is bone-tired- heck, the dog is happy with 2 blocks to the park, rest a spell, and come home).

post #48 of 84

Hmmm....this seems weired to me. I got to do all those things. I read a lot while nursing actually.And my DH just played with the baby while I took a shower every day. We alternate who takes time off at work.  We also take separate vacations with friends and have a day at lease every other week when  we each go and do something in the evening on our own.

 

May be this is why are are still together after 20 years.

 

So on and so forth.  I am very lucky I guess.

 

I would never let my child slam a book on me. And they are not allowed to interrupt adult conversation....I do not interrupt theirs. 

post #49 of 84
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ldavis24 View Post



I think you are reading way too much into it! 

 

Seriously, I feel the same way OP...It's not that my DH doesn't give me the chance to read a book, or surf the web or take a shower alone. He offers all the time! It's that my DD is super clingy and needs mama around and paying attention to her all the time. The kid will literally slam a book shut on me to get me to pay attention to her...

 

DH tries to distract DD so I can eat my meal in peace but guess what, she wants mama! I totally empathize with you OP I am so right there these days.

 

DD cries if I shut the bathroom door to pee even when DH is home. Does she do that for DH? No way!
 

 


this is exactly my situation lol. He offers, but LO wants none of it

 

post #50 of 84

Well, my kids are 7 and 11, so I can pretty much do all of the things your DH can.  I remember, though, when I just had the one child who was 3, and we were ttc #2.  My husband decided to get LASIK.  After the surgery, I had to go pick him up, and his prescribed course of treatment was to take this heavy sleeping pill so that he would sleep all afternoon into the next morning.  I was also looking into getting LASIK, but I had just found out I was pregnant, so I couldn't do it at that time.  I remember feeling envious of his sleeping pill, and I wished I could get the surgery just so I would be told to take a sleeping pill and sleep for the afternoon.  But then I was still nursing, so I knew I couldn't do it anyway. 

 

I did have a chance to sleep in, however.  As soon as my babies were of an age where they didn't have to nurse constantly, nor did the need me all the time, I split up the weekend mornings for sleeping in.  DH always took Saturday, and I took Sunday.  It depends on how sick I was, but if I was vomiting or had a fever, and I couldn't really function, heck yeah, I went to bed and let DH shoulder the burden.  I've had back problems on and off, and there was a point in time where I could barely get up off the bed.  He did bring me my 2 year old to nurse at one point, but he did the care.

 

The only thing I feel like my DH can do that I can't is not do things for the kids that involve his time, and not feel guilty about it.  If the kids get invited to a birthday party and I can't take them, he won't take them, he says they don't have to go.  He didn't get to have birthday parties when he was a kid, and he thinks all these birthday parties and children related events are way overdone.  So sometimes I have to rearrange my schedule and do a lot of running around if I want them to go.  I guess because he works long hours, he is obsessively protective of his free time.  I don't really feel like my free time is my own.  I do a lot of out of the house activities, but he can just sit in the house and not have to do kid related stuff.

post #51 of 84
Quote:
Originally Posted by mommy212 View Post

Totally agree, also add to the list drinking, and being able to do a workout without cramming into nap time, or having a toddler running around your feet pulling on your clothes... When DH is with little one alone, he apparently justs runs around the house and plays, and DH plays games mostly. When i am there, he will barely let me read a page or two in a book or check my email. 


Omg, YES, this!!! I only read to the second post but am SOOOOO glad to know I'm not alone on this!

Not sure if it's already been added but DH has NO CLUE how easy it is to go out for a bit without first making sure there is milk pumped!
post #52 of 84
Quote:
Originally Posted by Doodlebugsmom View Post

My kids are older now, so many of the things listed don't really apply to me anymore. I'm envious of dh's ability to pretty much do whatever he wants whenever he wants without planning in advance and making all sorts of arrangements. He doesn't abuse this or anything, but he does stuff that would require advance planning, childcare, etc. if I were to do it.



yeahthat.gif

 

post #53 of 84

oh, i have a good one to add to the list. (all of which i experience, too, BTW). i'm envious that when DH gets sick, he gets to *go to bed for however long it takes to sleep it off.* and when i get sick, well, it's usually b/c the kids are sick and being sick all over me... and of course, they are my responsibility 100 % so being sick on top of taking care of sick kids is just like 1-2 weeks of agony. and he just quietly goes to bed, basically putting up the do not disturb sign.

post #54 of 84

Taking a bath without children watching, banging on the door, or trying to use the potty while I'm shaving my legs...

post #55 of 84

OP, I know you meant this to be lighthearted and seriously it's GREAT that you can be lighthearted about it but I think most of us are speaking from a long and bitter struggle.

 

DH and I are always struggling with communication on that kind of thing.  If I want a nap, break, work late, not cook, not have a plan, not be the first one up etc. I have to ask or it won't happen.  He is of the belief that you are entitled to do those things and you should just take what you need....and yes, it works both ways.  I find the idea of just 'taking' time really rude, so I don't like to do it and I don't like when it is done to me. 

 

We both share the WOH/SAHP roles since the kids are in daycare only twice a week but we both work almost full time (a non-ideal situation that was great for keeping DS with us when he was a baby but is starting to be a p.i.t.a.)  With our shared roles I am up against this all the time!  I have even told him things like "I am totally happy to take DD to school in the morning when you're on the afternoon shift, especially if it's so you can sleep in and get a break, but I don't like that you assume I will do it."  I don't know how much more clear I can be than this!   I have also introduced a family calendar, budget, and family meetings so that everyone is formally engaged in family life (I think it embarrasses him when our four-year-old brings more ideas to the table than he does.)

 

I get to read books and go to the bathroom alone and work and all that stuff, and I could do even more if I made it happen, but that doesn't really replace having someone that really looks out for you and cares about your needs.  I love my DH and I want our marriage to work so I am trying to accept that I dug my own hole on this one by not being clear on my needs and expectations from day one and these things take time to fix.  I am just not that patient...

 

Sorry about the rant :-P

post #56 of 84
I miss peeing and showering alone. We had a babysitter and hotel room for a wedding a few weeks ago and I took 3 showers and a bath alone just b/c I could. Dh laughed at me for it all weekend.
post #57 of 84
There are some big disadvantages to working but it's done great things for fostering equality and forcing us to share the housework and childcare. We both work, and so my expectation is that we split that all as equally as we can.

When I was nursing, it was unequal but that's biology, and not much you can do about that. But I expected DH to do everything he could to help me get the maximum sleep I could get (do the bath routine, take kids so I can nap, feed bottle if I pumped).

But outside of nursing, DH does half.

Right now we have two kids who wake at night (7 mo and 2 yo). DH does ALL of the night waking and night feeding. In return, I wake up with the kids (at 5 AM some days - ugh).

But the other stuff - we both clean, we both run errands. He's really great about taking care of the kids so both of us have our schedules revolve around the kids. He does need a kick in the ass to do housework sometimes but I can get time to go shopping, take long showers, read books, see my friends, have dinner, and drink wine.

So Dad doesn't get to do anything that Mom doesn't get to do in my house.

I don't think being a SAH parent means that you are the only one that does housework or childcare, either. When I was on mat leave, I did more of the childcare (obviously) but if anything, I expected DH to take on even more of the childcare than he does now that I am back at work.

If you want changes, demand them.
post #58 of 84

My list--

 

Daddy gets to:

--Wake up after 6 am (I'm up and about at 5 am getting ready to go to work)

--Take the baby to the park on a sunny morning, if he so chose.  (She naps in the afternoon)  I'm stuck at work--likely in a meeting or running about trying to locate someone to get something signed.

--Set his own work hours (he's a writer, so as long as he isn't on deadline, he can), allowing him time for hobbies, taking the children to therapy and doctor's appointments.

--Work on his computer/watch TV unmolested. 

 

I get to:

--Get home from work at 5-5:30 pm and clean the kitchen before I can make supper, make supper, clean the kitchen, do the day's laundry, make all appointments--so I'm sitting on hold with different companies/doctors/therapists with the calendar open.  And the daily chores.  To include cleaning up the messes the family made during the day.  On top of getting the kids to bed.  They have a strict bedtime.  Maybe I can have a few minutes to chill before going to bed--but more likely, I'm editing or reviewing what DH wrote that day. 

--Put up with bosses with near-impossible standards and twenty people at minimum at a time all "needing" something from me--and conflicting my schedule.

--If I'm watching something on TV and someone wants/"needs" something, I must get up and take care of them.  During that time, the channel is invariably changed.  Heaven help me if I turn it back.  Heaven help me if I don't get up and help whomever is requesting help.

post #59 of 84

Well, I'm single, with no family or friends or babysitters, so I pretty much do it all. I do miss things from before I was a mother, but out of necessity I had to find a way to still do things that I liked. The one thing that I would really like occasionally is a day off. lol. I just want to be able to spend the day in bed with a book sometimes. As a mother, you never get days off. And it's not like I want to not see him for a whole day, we're practically joined at the hip. I just want to not DO anything all day for once.

post #60 of 84
Quote:
Originally Posted by sweetpeppers View Post

Well, I'm single, with no family or friends or babysitters, so I pretty much do it all. I do miss things from before I was a mother, but out of necessity I had to find a way to still do things that I liked. The one thing that I would really like occasionally is a day off. lol. I just want to be able to spend the day in bed with a book sometimes. As a mother, you never get days off. And it's not like I want to not see him for a whole day, we're practically joined at the hip. I just want to not DO anything all day for once.



It is OKAY to hire a sitter to take a day off, or even just a few hours... In fact, it's healthy... for you! I hope you find a trustworthy sitter someday so you can do that. We all deserve it!

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