DH's expectations - he's insane!

[Mama~Love]

I'm only 11 weeks now. I work outside the home fulltime, M-F 2pm - 10pm, at the same place DH works M-F 6am - 2pm. Needless to say, I'm exhausted.

He expects me to go back to work when my maternity leave is up. I definitely don't want to, but we cannot pay the bills without my income. DH is definitely a spender, won't sacrifice anything to make ends meet.

I'm scared to death. I don't know what to do. I know he can't take care of an infant, let alone 2 at the same time. I know he will just let them cry, cry, cry, while he sits on his ass & watches TV, like he does every night. I don't know when he'd expect me to get enough sleep to take care of all the kids and work fulltime. I think he's completely delusional.

What hurt the most was when he said, "I'm looking forward to you going back to work, so *I* can take care of the babies for once". Yeah, that made me feel awesome, thanks DH . You really don't want me there, great.

He's also said he won't get another job, or sell any of his "toys" to help pay for stuff, or just to have some security in the bank. I have nothing of value to sell, or I would.

I worry about the all the time. I don't know how we'll make it if he doesn't open his eyes and realize how selfish and stupid he sounds.

I'm so scared. I've told him while in tears that I don't think I'd be able to leave my babies when they're so little, and he said that I need to not be so selfish by wanting to stay home, and think about what's best for the whole family, not what *I* want to do.

What can I do?? Don't most men want to step up and try to provide for their family as much as they can??? *AM* I being selfish??

[Marsupialmom]

I you sure he has not adjusted to finding out he is being a dad 2 more times.  You want him to be all happy and he cant be what you want, maybe you should back off a little.  Give him time to process.  

Am I reading this right, this will be 7 and 8?  How can you afford to work?  Has he/you broken it down to see if your working actually makes money?  What about state aid? If you have that many kids you might actually have more money getting food stamps,free lunches, et while he works. 

[Mama~Love]

Yes, this will be #7 & #8. We make too much to qualify for any aid, although the kids do get reduced lunches at school. We are on WIC also.

There's no daycare involved, since we work at the same place. I bring the kids with me, and he takes them home with him. It's only a 7 mile drive to work too.

I hope reality sinks in for him soon.

[insidevoice]

I really wonder if, without your income you would qualify for more aid- especially with two more people in the household.  With that many kids, alternating shifts like that will be brutal!

[Marsupialmom]

That is what I was thinking inside.  Less money you make the more benefits you get from the states.

[Mama~Love]

That's probably true, but DH would never go for it. He's against the idea of going on gov't assistance. So, I guess there's not much I can do, except hope he sees reality soon.

[insidevoice]

You know, I'm all for supporting yourself, but when you have an alternative, that does not always mean killing yourself to make that happen.  Sometimes life is bigger than we expect it to be (and I think having two infants absolutely qualifies!) and it is necessary to accept the help that is there while you trudge through the hardest times and keep your family healthy and intact. 

As for not a lot you can do- sure there is, you can explain what you are and are not willing to do, and put it in his hands to accept or not accept.  With twins, you are likely to need to be away from work sooner, so your maternity leave after they are born is likely to be shortened.  They may also not make it to full term- and may need additional care/feeding.  Are you willing to leave very very young infants for an extended period? It sounds like it's up to you to advocate for yourself and these children, and plan for what is best for your family. 

My family did accept help and chose to use food stamps for a short while.  It made a world of difference in our quality of life.  It allowed us to get things together and make it to a better place financially because we were not constantly drowning and trying to rob Peter to pay Paul.  It was a hard choice, but I am glad we made it as it really was the best choice we could make for the kids.  It was really nice that first month after having spent months saying 'no' to special food requests to be able to say 'yes' and not worry that that $3 was needed for the electric bill. 

[Marsupialmom]

If he doesn't want assistance then he needs to get a vasectomy and a second job to support his kids.  

Honestly, I am usually for mutual agreement on this but you do not need his permission to get state aid.  If he doesn't give you his pay stubs then that is abusive and you have another major issue on your hand.  

Would this be a good time for you to be a mom and a student?  You may also qualify for grants and scholorships.  Maybe it is time for you to work on a new career so you can support your family in the long run.   

Saying that, give him a little more time.  You are only about 3 months, he just found out you were having twins he could be a little overwhelmed at the moment and need time to process everything more kids means.  We would like to always be on our best game but sometimes we need time to process and plan.    

[poorlittlefish]

At what point does he want you to go back to work?  How long is your maternity leave?

[Mama~Love]

Originally Posted by poorlittlefish 

At what point does he want you to go back to work?  How long is your maternity leave?

I get 6 weeks paid, 6 weeks unpaid, so 3 months total. I doubt he'd let me take the 6 weeks unpaid because I'll have no income then, and we can't pay the bills, so more than likely I'd go back at 6 weeks.

[txbikegrrl]

No way mama!  I saw this on the main page so am forum crashing.  I don't have twins or a "brood" at home and could never go back at 6 weeks.  He has no idea how hard pregnancy is on a body and you have twins.  I know being pregnant is easier on some but come on even if you sailed through the others you have 6 other youngsters to take care of, are "older" now and HAVE TWINS!  Just the fact that you are doubting yourself tells me he is likely controlling.  He can work more and/or sell some of his toys.  Why should YOU do all the sacrificing?
 

[Mama~Love]

Originally Posted by Marsupialmom 

If he doesn't want assistance then he needs to get a vasectomy and a second job to support his kids.  

Honestly, I am usually for mutual agreement on this but you do not need his permission to get state aid.  If he doesn't give you his pay stubs then that is abusive and you have another major issue on your hand.  

Would this be a good time for you to be a mom and a student?  You may also qualify for grants and scholorships.  Maybe it is time for you to work on a new career so you can support your family in the long run.   

Saying that, give him a little more time.  You are only about 3 months, he just found out you were having twins he could be a little overwhelmed at the moment and need time to process everything more kids means.  We would like to always be on our best game but sometimes we need time to process and plan.    

Thank you, DH actually suggested looking into something where I could work at home afterwards. I don't know what's out there that would be do-able, but will look into it. I think he's still in the "excited" phase, because he had to tell everyone as soon as I got back from the U/S.

Originally Posted by insidevoice 

You know, I'm all for supporting yourself, but when you have an alternative, that does not always mean killing yourself to make that happen.  Sometimes life is bigger than we expect it to be (and I think having two infants absolutely qualifies!) and it is necessary to accept the help that is there while you trudge through the hardest times and keep your family healthy and intact. 

As for not a lot you can do- sure there is, you can explain what you are and are not willing to do, and put it in his hands to accept or not accept.  With twins, you are likely to need to be away from work sooner, so your maternity leave after they are born is likely to be shortened.  They may also not make it to full term- and may need additional care/feeding.  Are you willing to leave very very young infants for an extended period? It sounds like it's up to you to advocate for yourself and these children, and plan for what is best for your family. 

My family did accept help and chose to use food stamps for a short while.  It made a world of difference in our quality of life.  It allowed us to get things together and make it to a better place financially because we were not constantly drowning and trying to rob Peter to pay Paul.  It was a hard choice, but I am glad we made it as it really was the best choice we could make for the kids.  It was really nice that first month after having spent months saying 'no' to special food requests to be able to say 'yes' and not worry that that $3 was needed for the electric bill. 

Thank you, too, I would have no problems using assistance for just awhile til things settled down and I'd be willing to go back to work. But that would be at least a year, if not 2, after the babies come.

Originally Posted by txbikegrrl 

No way mama!  I saw this on the main page so am forum crashing.  I don't have twins or a "brood" at home and could never go back at 6 weeks.  He has no idea how hard pregnancy is on a body and you have twins.  I know being pregnant is easier on some but come on even if you sailed through the others you have 6 other youngsters to take care of, are "older" now and HAVE TWINS!  Just the fact that you are doubting yourself tells me he is likely controlling.  He can work more and/or sell some of his toys.  Why should YOU do all the sacrificing?
 

He is controlling, not terribly bad, but with certain things he is. And you're right, I shouldn't be sacrificing everything, he can too. There's a lot we could give up, he's just unwilling because he feels entitiled to it or something.

[Smurfette2]

Not to hijack your thread but my twins are 3 wks old and my husband had previously been out of work for 5 months. He's a carpenter by trade but his remodeling biz was very slow this past holiday season. Nonetheless, I work. I make enough to support our family of 5 but I'm not going to bust my ass working while he "finds himself." My FIL offered him a job with the family insurance biz, my husband refused it. He was offered a job last week by Disney - it didn't pay enough. He started a job on Monday with the County, he worked 2 days and has already decided the commute is killer and told HR that he will not be accepting the job afterall. At one point in my pregnancy we toyed around with the idea that he'll be a stay-at-home dad for the twin's first year. Now he's using that as a cop-out. We're not hurting financially but as I said before, I'm not going to carry this family AND nurse! LOL.

This is my husband's 1st marriage, 1st set of kids... he's stoked. And he's a great dad. He stepped into his role without any hesitation but damnit, go back to work! He loves being a carpenter and I can understand doing what you love for a living but I don't necessarily love my job. I do it to pay the bills. It's frustrating and I've cut him some slack because he runs straight to the twins when he comes home. He was offered his old teaching position next fall at a private school so that's our only option right now. He has to give them an answer by April 11 and I'm hoping he takes it because jobs are hard to come by.

8 kids! Wow! Congrats. BTW, my husband was gungho about getting snipped while I was pregnant, now he's asking me to sever my ties. *wink*

[Imprint]

I don't think a mother wanting to stay home and recover from a multiple birth, while nurturing TWO new infants (and infants, as observed, at some risk for early births and more intensive needs) is selfish.  - Particularly not when there are six other children to be cared for, and the father is not already working multiple jobs.  Smurfette and others with husbands who are unusually responsive and sensitive to babies, and comfortable caring for them, may do well working and splitting the care early on, but I cannot imagine leaving my twins for more than an hour or two, even with my sweet husband, till many months after birth.  He might either panic a little, or be too focused on something else, and not react quickly enough to their needs (despite being very kind and well-meaning).  

Caring for eight children sounds like a full-time job, or more, by itself.  How someone could also work full-time, I can't imagine.  If you come to a point of feeling up for it, then I can only confess myself impressed at your capacities (as I am already at doing it with six, and pregnant!). But I wouldn't think it anything other than rational to find doing both, in the year you add twins, overwhelming or ridiculously excessive.

Being free to be with your new babies is a huge benefit to them, and allows a healing and recovery for you that benefits every member of your family.  It's not wrong to want to be home at a time like that, for your own sake: but I think there's a lot of pay-off for everyone else in not running you *unnecessarily* ragged.  I will be hoping and praying that your husband comes to understand this, and that you are able to articulate and stand firm about what you need, without it adding tension, or causing you to feel guilty.

[Spring Lily]

Originally Posted by Mama~Love 

That's probably true, but DH would never go for it. He's against the idea of going on gov't assistance. So, I guess there's not much I can do, except hope he sees reality soon.

You're on WIC and the kids get reduced lunches, though. That's gov't assistance. You're already receiving aid.

Is he saying that he wants to quit his job so you can go back to work? That doesn't really make sense, because if you're nursing you need to be the SAHP. You'll also get more WIC that way and it will be far cheaper than using formula. I don't know how feasible it would be to pump enough for twins if you're working F/T, you'll probably have to supplement with formula. Just another thing to think about.

[motherhendoula]

I had to jump in here too...i dont have twins....but i cannot imagine how you are already handling everything.....you have 6 children yet he has 'toys'?   do your kids have toys?  He sounds like my first husband....he was entitled to everything and i was "lazy" because i wanted to be at home with my daughter. 

I recently had my third child ...with my second husband.....and he got a second job so that i could be home nursing this baby for as long as ...well ...i think we can get at least a year out of this arrangement....for my part of the bargain....we share a car, i buy generic, i make the money he earns last longer....AND - our new baby is very happy.

This guy is  controlling yutz....im sorry, im trying to be gentle with this - i know you have few options....but this may not be something you can 'convince' him of...it might be something you just DO.  Good luck to you.

[f&p'smama]

Can you come up with a plan in which you can stay home for a year and maybe he can forego some of his "toys" and you all can live more frugally in that time?  Figure out a work-able budget for that time.  Maybe he'd go for it if you pitched it as somewhere in the middle between staying home forever and going right back to work at 6 weeks post-partum.  I've skimmed the frugal living forum here and it looks like the folks there have great ideas for making your money go a lot farther.  You also have about 30 weeks +/- till these babies come.  Maybe you can research work at home options.

I don't know if you attend a church, but perhaps meeting with the pastor or someone else with a large family in your church could help your husband see his part as a father of a large family in a different light.  Or talking to his father, brothers, your Dad.  It's just really hard for me to imagine that someone with 6 kids still has the idea that he gets to kick back and play with his toys.  I think if you just unilaterally quit your job, your husband will be angry and act out.  I think you have to find a way to come to some agreement. 

[Red Pajama]

I have twins. THere's no way you should be planning to go back to work at 6 weeks. I went back around 9 weeks, but someone brought the babies to me once a day to nurse, and I pumped twice while away.

I think you should have a talk with your doctor about their thought on your return to work, and see if you can get doc to talk to husband. THere's family medical leave (if you live in the US and have enough employees at the company) as an option, too.

frankly, you might have to just put your foot down. "I'll be going back to work sometime after 6 months post partum.  I'll fill out the forms for state aid if we qualify. THere may have to be some adjustments in the budget."