Thinking about gradually weaning - help me sort through my complicated feelings

[mamacolleen]

Hoping some of you wise mama's who've maybe BTDT can help me sort through what I'm feeling with regards to breastfeeding/possibly weaning my 21 month old DD.

So, DD loves her "baba's". We have been nightweaned for a couple months now, thank goodness, and she basically sleeps through every night. During the day when I'm home (I WOH 3 days per week), it's still often her asking for baba's many many times a day. I sort of thought (hoped?) that as she started approaching 2, her demands for breastfeeding would start to lessen but so far that doesn't seem to be the case. She is still mostly fed on demand, although sometimes if I'm really touched out and it's her 5th time that hour asking, I will re-direct her. She usually doesn't have a huge fit when I do that, but she is upset. I know she's still getting milk but I always know that it's a comfort thing. I am able to comfort her in other ways a lot as well. For eg, if she hurts herself she almost always wants a kiss instead of baba's. I do feel very much though that she *needs* it, whether that's nutritionally or comfort-wise or a combo, I'm not sure.

I have been very resistant to putting any limits on feeding her on demand until she turned 2 but just recently I've had thoughts of how nice it would be to not have her demanding that I nurse her all the time and I feel kind of stuck in one spot nursing her, which I find frustrating, and I wonder if I'm feeling a bit touched out. I'm pretty sure I'm not interested in weaning her completely at this point but I'm starting to contemplate a VERY gradual (like over months) mama-led weaning process. Something akin to having more of a schedule to her nursing. I've been thinking that it would be great to cut her down to morning, before nap, after nap, bedtime. I don't know how to get there but I'm also feeling torn.

Part of why I'm thinking of gradually weaning is that we are TTC#2 through FET. We went through a cycle in Feb and I got pregnant and then had an early loss. Part of me wonders if I were nursing less, whether I would be more likely to conceive.

My complicated feelings around this though are that it makes me really really sad to think of not nursing her anymore and I can't figure out whether this means I truthfully still want to continue BF on demand or whether the feelings of sadness will be there no matter when she weans. I'm guess I'm feeling ambivalent about it? I wonder if some of my sadness/fear of losing the breastfeeding relationship is that it's really the *only normal* thing I've been able to do as a mother. I couldn't get pregnant without major medical help and then she was born via c-section and so I couldn't birth her without major medical help. We had a rocky start to BF, and there's been times that I've been so frustrated with it, but it's like the only thing that I know my body can do on its own that a woman's body is supposed to. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone.

Anyway, what are your thoughts on doing a gradual weaning process at this point, starting with more scheduled nursing times? I feel quite conflicted about the whole thing.

[CheriK]

It sounds like there are so many things going on right now!  I wonder if the hormone changes you're going through with the FET are affecting your comfort with nursing.  That touched-out, skin crawling feeling can definitely be related to hormone changes.  Sometimes just knowing that can help.

It might help to consider how you'd feel if you weaned her and never got pregnant again.  Would you regret that long-term?  Her nursing is probably not impacting your ability to conceive or maintain a pregnancy, although it could be if you've had fertility issues in the past.  But weaning her won't necessarily change anything.  Some moms really need to know they've tried everything to successfully conceive, in which case a gradual weaning might be appropriate for your family.  Others find that they really regret weaning an older child.  Is there a time constraint?  You don't say how old you are or if you really want to have another child w/in a certain time window.

Children are really good at sensing our ambivalence.  She might in fact be nursing MORE if you are stressed about the whole weaning/conceiving process right now, because it's one of her main comfort techniques, and she is sensing your stress.  Making a firm decision, even if it's to do nothing for a few weeks, will likely help with that.  And if you do decide to start guideing weaning, again, being firm in your decision because otherwise she will sense that you're uncertain and it will be harder!

Personally (and you'll get different views), I think limits are appropriate for an older nursing.  Nursing is a relationship and learning about other's needs is part of relationship skills.  It's not all about her anymore.  You might try setting one limit- you can nurse while read this book, or you can nurse when we're sitting in this chair, or you can nurse in bed. . . whatever seems appropriate to you, and see how you and she feel about it.  You can always decide "this isn't working" if you're going slowly!

[mamacolleen]

Thanks so much for your reply!

I guess I wasn't clear in my original post but I'm not in the middle of a FET now. We did one in Feb (and I didn't restrict nursing at all during that time) that ended up in an early miscarriage. I'm not interested in totally weaning her just to improve chances of conception. I know logically that her nursing likely has little to no effect on my fertility since I got my first PPAF at 7 months and my prolactin levels are within the normal limits for a non-lactating woman. Since the miscarriage there is that tiny little voice in my heart that wonders if it played a factor, but I know in my head that it didn't. We are planning to start the process of another FET next month.

It kind of surprises me that I didn't feel really any touched out feelings while nursing during the all hormonal changes of the FET and then being briefly pregnant. It hurt a lot because my supply dropped (it's since come back up again) but it didn't really bother me nursing her through that.... only very recently am I feeling ready to be done with *some* nursing sessions.

I appreciate hearing your perspective on nurslings sensing ambivalence and demanding more because of it. I wonder if she's picking up on my feelings. I've decided to try to give it a rest for a week and just make note of how many times a day and when she asks for nursing and rate how I feel about each session. If I'm still feeling the same way in about a week, then I think I'm going to start a very slow cutting down on some of the nursing sessions so we're only nursing at more or less set times during the day. Does this sound like weaning or setting limits? Or a bit of both?

The thought of not nursing her at all is really terrible, but the thought of continuing on with nursing her willy nilly like this, whenever she demands it, is equally terrible.

[CheriK]

It sounds like you have a great plan!  It makes sense to pay attention to what makes certain nursing sessions more challenging, and work on changing those dynamics.  Lots of toddlers only nurse at specific times during the day; that doesn't need to mean weaning, unless the limits become so restrictive that the child eventually decides not to bother!  We often consider "weaning" to be a discreet event, but it's really more of a process.  Sometimes it works better to guide that process to some extent.  And having more of a routine will likely help during your pregnancy and after baby is born (if you keep nursing. . .). 

Good luck!  Hopefully your next round of FET will be successful.

Cheri