Prior to listing all my thoughts, I will ask my question: If you struggled with the decision of where to birth, what did you choose and why?
After my first son was born (epi in hospital), I became very very into homebirth. For my second son, I wanted a homebirth badly, but for many reasons (non health related), had a natural hospital birth with a CNM that was really great (but is no longer in practice).
So, my third baby was born at home, UC.
My fourth baby was born at a birth center (within a hospital), because I had a lot of fear about a local family that was being prosecuted for a homebirth, I couldn't get comfortable with that fear, and also I didn't really feel good about any of the MWs I could use at the time. I didn't want to do another UC (again, the fear thing, not health issues).
After DD2 was born, I felt certain that any future babies would be born at home. It was probably my best birth, but there were some things about the birth center that really bothered me. Primarily, they *require* you to submit a birth plan to birth there. They *require* you to do an interview to discuss your birth plan. Then, they completely ignored several aspects of my birth plan.
Also, I was delivered by a male OB there. He was fine, but I REALLY did not like being attended by a male (first time I had done that). He didn't do anything bad, but was just very all business, do this, do that, in and out. I really much prefer a caregiver that is like a friend, so to speak, who will sit and talk about the birth and my feelings afterwards for a bit or in the days following.
So, for this pregnancy, I have found a CPM that I really like. I think we will work well together. And yet, I keep finding myself drifting back to the idea of a hospital birth - with a CNM this time instead of the OB I used last time.
I feel like with the CNM group, I can get a lot more support and have a better chance of my birth plan being followed - in general, and by the nurses. I no longer worry about most of the reasons that I previously wanted to avoid the hospital - I'm not worried about unnecessary interventions at all. If I have a good provider, plus I know myself and am not worried about succumbing to their "are you sure you don't want a little medicine?" or their fear mongering - which I honestly didn't even have any issues with at either of my natural hospital births.
I guess the only real risk I feel for myself with a hospital birth are bad germs and being annoyed. I do feel that hospital birth in the US may be slightly safer than homebirth, and in my case, hospital birth isn't really risky in terms of interventions and such.
I am the perfect candidate for a homebirth. I have a CPM that I like. Thus I also don't really have the fear factor. And yet I keep drifting back to hospital birth. I don't know why. I really have no good reason.
I guess I kind of feel like if I can have a good, safe birth in the hospital and avoid the extra work, cleaning, preparing, and social issues and expenses of a homebirth (which I have to pay all of, as opposed to hospital being covered by insurance), then maybe I should just go to the hospital. Honestly, it is tiring to always being going against the grain, and maybe I just don't need to on this?
But then I really worry I'll regret it. I guess I feel like I *should* feel more passionately about homebirth like I used to. Yet, it just doesn't seem to be there. I'm worried if I do choose the hospital, the passion will come back afterwards and cause regret or something.
But then I remember all the benefits of homebirth - being in my own environment, no annoying nurses, checks, interruptions, etc., no annoying rules to fight against, no one trying to take my baby for anything, not being in a place for sick people, not having to pack bags or go anywhere, getting to sleep in my own bad that night. Then I feel like, oh, right, that's why I wanted a homebirth...
I really just want to make up my mind one way or the other. Bah!
Thanks for listening if you made it this far!