worried about my 5 yo's social skills, feeling sad and guilty :(

[momma4fun]

she's the oldest one in her pre-k class by a good 5 months

she's little miss mother hen/teacher's dream child

she hasn't made any close connections with any kids at school and frequently comes home sad that no one will play with her

when i pick her up she is always alone. this is her first year being in a school setting. we have never been much of a playdate family but i have always done childcare so there have been other kids around who she played with just fine.

i've been focusing on attempting to set up playdates this past month and so far no one has been available. she never really gives me a clear answer on WHO she would like to have over either, she's more likely to say "can't they all come over?"

have i screwed her up by being bad at playdates all her life? my youngest dd is only 13 months younger than her, so they've been sidekicks all this time and it hasn't seemed terribly important.

i'm very sad :( :( :(  

does anyone have any children's book suggestions or any other advice? is it possible that she's actually just fine socially but that she really just doesn't connect with anyone in her class??

[chaimom]

I think you should talk to her teacher and ask her how your dd does in class.  The teacher will also have an idea about who she plays with and who you should invite over for playdates.  Try not to worry.  She's only in pre-K!  It's all a process.  

[CarrieMF]

I agree on talking to the teacher.  She may be playing with the kids when there is downtime.  On the flip side, if she really is a mother hen she may be alienating these kids too through actions & words.  It could be she doesn't click with this particular group of kids for other reasons.  5months between the oldest & next oldest can be huge at this age.

Also, at this age they are just figuring out what friends are and how to make them.

[ollyoxenfree]

In addition to talking to the teacher, can you observe her with her schoolmates discreetly yourself? Perhaps you can volunteer in the class or at the school, or stick around the school playground for a half-hour or hour after school ends. You may gain a lot of insight just from watching how she and her schoolmates interact. As a bonus, you may also identify a good candidate or 2 for playdates yourself. 

It's entirely possible that she hasn't connected with anyone in the class. That's particularly likely if it's a small class and the other children are a tightly knit group. Maybe they have been at the school longer than she has. It's possible that her "mother hen" approach is viewed as being bossy and unpleasant by the other children, so they avoid her. You won't really know until you talk to the teacher and observe for yourself.

If it is just this group of children, is there another pre-school class she can join next year (or even sooner if it's a year-round school)? It sounds like it might be helpful if there is a wider age range, where she isn't the oldest. Another idea is to find an after-school or weekend activity, like soccer or baseball or choir or whatever she is interested in, to find a peer group with similar interests.

[4evermom]

It could be the other kids are still doing parallel play and your dd is ready for more but they aren't.  I saw a fair bit of parallel play still happening when my ds was in pre-k.

[laohaire]

I think playdates are a great idea, I know they haven't worked out for you yet, but keep trying. It's not an emergency or anything, just keep up the attempts and it will fall in place at some point.

My other idea is, see if you can also score playdates with slightly older children. I've been pleased that DD's friends seem to be a mix of ages (and sexes too). She responds differently to different people. I've seen her be a leader among younger children, a follower among older children, and pretty equitable among very close-age peers. This makes me happy, that she's able to develop all of these facets of herself. I wonder if your DD were exposed to older children (who she might not even try to mother-hen) she might develop different, more cooperative, ways of playing.

We're homeschoolers - but we don't have any homeschooling friends. We're finding our friends at the playground, the YMCA, the library, the lake, and in the neighborhood. I have social anxiety so it's harder for me to make friends - my husband seems to be the one making that happen mostly - but I've found that parents seem to respond pretty well when I say "they seem to play well together" (even if it's not 1000000% true). If nothing else, you may find "regulars" at certain places - certain kids might always be at the playground Saturday morning, so your daughter can kind of get to know them. It doesn't have to be a formal playdate meetup.

[D_McG]

It really doesn't sound like it's anything you've done or not done. It may just be her personality. I think if she has a younger sibling and you've done childcare then she should have plenty of exposure to other kids. If you told me she was an only child and never had a playdate I'd have a different response.

All kids mature at different rates. I think talking to the teacher is a great idea.

[laohaire]

Oh, I did forget to address the main issue - you feeling sad and guilty. I agree with the PP, you didn't do anything wrong. Even my enthusiasm for playdates doesn't at all imply that I think you did anything wrong by not making this a priority before.

I think what you've described is quite normal. Practically all kids have some sort of social shortcoming. Some are shy. Some are bossy. Some are manipulative. Some are painfully sensitive. Some push, are grabby, or mean. Some tend to get picked on. I mean, I just described 90% of kids right there :) Almost all of us struggle to fit in, and it just seems par for the course. I think if your DD's main issue is being bossy, I think she's probably in a good position to figure that out over time and gain some good friends. She might always tend to be bossy, but she'll learn to cope and fit in somehow.

[AdinaL]

Please try not to feel guilty.  It sounds like there is a significant enough age difference that the kids may be at a different place is all.  And there might still be some social navigating being learned on all sides.

Do talk to the teacher and see how she's doing otherwise. :)

I don't think at 5 that you need to worry much.  Kids will learn, and if you can identify some kids that your daughter likes, you can work on getting playdates set up. 

My sister wasn't born until I was 6. I do not recall doing playdates *EVER*.  I remember spending a lot of time with adults, and finally when we moved for 1st grade, there were other kids on the block that I played with, but beyond that, no.  I turned out okay. :) I was also socially pretty dang awkward in grade school, and managed to find friends, and have great friendships now as well. So try not to worry too much, making friends is a life long learning process, really. 

[momma4fun]

wow, thanks for the great and heartwarming words

i have spoken with her teachers and they agree she hasn't connected with a best friend and generally plays with different children each day

i think there's a lot of factors at work here, especially the mother hen thing and perhaps being a little too mature for some of the other kids. her favorite thing to do is intense role-playing imaginary play -- one on one, and i don't see a lot of that going on in this classroom.

i will go in and observe one day soon for sure! that was a great idea. also the playing with older kids......

next year she goes to kindergarten, and it has occured to me after reading everything you have said that i'm going to specifically request that she be put in a class with one or two kids her age. she only missed the kindergarten cut off date here by 2 days and i hope there will be others in her same situation.

thank you thank you ladies :) :) :) when posted this i was having one of those evenings where she had come home sad, and it just ripped me up