SAHM wanting a divorce - Page 2

[Chamomile Girl]

Originally Posted by HollyBearsMom 

Actually depending on the which state/country she lives in many community property laws are only for assets obtained during the marriage. According to the OP he owned the house prior to the marriage. Also he does not own it alone, there is one of his family members on the deed which complicate her rights further. there is no guarantee that his part is half hers,

And how am I kicking?  She needs a lawyer and pronto.  I am saying what *I* would have done after he refused to put me on the bank account, after the first attempt at counseling, after the second attempt at counseling.  She didn't and she is now in a lot of potential trouble. She needs legal representation not random advice from strangers.

I think there is probably room for both. It sounds to me like she feels pretty isolated and in need of a supportive, strong community.

[HollyBearsMom]

Originally Posted by Chamomile Girl 

Originally Posted by HollyBearsMom 

Actually depending on the which state/country she lives in many community property laws are only for assets obtained during the marriage. According to the OP he owned the house prior to the marriage. Also he does not own it alone, there is one of his family members on the deed which complicate her rights further. there is no guarantee that his part is half hers,

And how am I kicking?  She needs a lawyer and pronto.  I am saying what *I* would have done after he refused to put me on the bank account, after the first attempt at counseling, after the second attempt at counseling.  She didn't and she is now in a lot of potential trouble. She needs legal representation not random advice from strangers.

I think there is probably room for both. It sounds to me like she feels pretty isolated and in need of a supportive, strong community.

Which Is what I said in one of my first posts.  If she wants hugs/support have at it.  But don't expect anyone here to be able to solve her problems or give concrete legal advice..
 

[Greenlea]

Just because she may not be entitle to half the house's assests, does not mean she can legally be kicked out.  Many states have laws based on establishing residency, which she has.

[HollyBearsMom]

Originally Posted by Greenlea 

Just because she may not be entitle to half the house's assests, does not mean she can legally be kicked out.  Many states have laws based on establishing residency, which she has.

And many don't. Which is why she needs a lawyer.  There are *many* laws in place to protect people who are being victimized by their circumstances. 
 

[BabyBearsMummy]

jojo12 consult a local familiy lawyer (or even better several) ASAP they are best able to give you advise on how to procede in yours and your DCs best interests. So sorry you are having to join us all here

[kristandthekids]

Originally Posted by jojo12 

No, he has told me to leave!

Then it looks like divorce will uproot the kids.

Not legal advice. Just looking at it practically.

[Chamomile Girl]

Originally Posted by kristandthekids 

Originally Posted by jojo12 

No, he has told me to leave!

Then it looks like divorce will uproot the kids.

Not legal advice. Just looking at it practically.

No, I think based on what she has posted before that her husband expects her to leave and leave the kids with him. Which is ridiculous. OP I hope this is not something you are consitering because if you do leave the kids with him, even for a short time, he can use that against you in court.

[doubledutch]

wow.  this is one of the weirdest threads i've read in a loooooong time.  what is goin' on?!

op, it sounds like things are blowing up between you & him.  it's unlikely that he can make you leave the house without a court order, which is probably months away at the soonest, possibly not until the divorce is final.  however, long-term, it does make sense that you would be the one to leave the house.  it was his before you married, he co-owns it with someone else, and financially it often doesn't pan out for either half of the couple to remain in the family home anyway.  often both parties have to downsize.  another thing to think about is how unpleasant it would be to stay in the house with him throughout the divorce - unpleasant and stressful for everyone, not just the grown-ups.  do you have any option to stay with family or a close friend during that transitional period, until you get on your feet?

once you start working and know what your income and expenses look like, it will be easier to figure out what resources you can put toward housing.  if you feel like you already have a firm idea of what your income will be, you could try working on a budget in the frugality & finances board.  you may also be able to figure out an estimated child support amount based on his income, your potential income, number of children, cost of daycare, etc, by searching for a child support calculator for your state.  however, depending on his work situation (like if he's self-employed or gets cash under the table) and how easy it is to enforce cs orders in your state, it may not be wise to count on it as part of your income.

another thing to look into is how your state normally handles custody.  it's unlikely that he would get primary physical custody, but some states are 50-50 by default.  is that something you're emotionally prepared for?  some states also limit your ability to move away from the non-custodial parent.  just things to be aware of.

of course, it would be best to talk with a family lawyer (or several) to get a better idea of how things work in your state and to know what steps you need to take to protect yourself and your kids.  that's generally at the top of the to-do list.  however that doesn't mean you can't get both support and some useful information online.

[bananabee]

Originally Posted by jojo12 

He thinks he will get custody and I will leave with NOTHING!

Oh...you must be married to my STBX! That is EXACTLY what he tried to scare me with. How dare I leave him?!! But guess what? I filed for divorce, I am still in the home w/my baby, and he is paying all the bills for now. I've never been on the mortgage or any of the bills, either. We were only married a couple of years. Baby was 4 mos old when I filed. Divorce is pending, and I will probably end up staying here longer. I've signed up for food stamps and WIC, and will sign up for section 8 housing. I'm disabled, so I can't go back to work, and he knows it.

Don't listen to a thing he says. He's not an attorney, or at least he's not YOUR attorney. He is just trying to scare you into not leaving.

[kristandthekids]

Originally Posted by bananabee 

Oh...you must be married to my STBX! That is EXACTLY what he tried to scare me with. How dare I leave him?!! But guess what? I filed for divorce, I am still in the home w/my baby

How did you get him to leave?

[bananabee]

He pretty much moved out, then when he realized via google that 'vacating' might cause him to forfeit the house (not that I would take it!!! also, since it's only in his name, that was VERY unlikely), he came back and slept on the couch. He was gone most of the time, and as he actually had no real interest in being a parent, I didn't see much of him. For the most part, he was living in his camper. Truth is he hadn't really been living in the house in many months, and he had left me before. In our temporary custody agreement, he has access to the house w/unlimited time w/DD here. I didn't want him taking her anywhere because he doesn't pay attention to her needs and refused to install the car seat correctly in his truck. It was uncomfortable having him here, as I never knew if he'd be nice or nuts, but it was worth it to keep DD safe. Now he's out of state for work, which is a huge relief, and most likely he'll never live near us again. Hopefully I will get spousal maintenance for a time. A lot of states allow for temporary spousal maintenance to allow the stay-home parent to ready themselves to re-enter the workforce.

Bottom line: get a good lawyer. It's worth going into debt over to protect your relationship with your kids and in many cases, their safety.

Also, OP, I feel for you. That whole argument in the beginning of my marriage about putting my name on bills/accounts/mortgage/cars, etc is a tough one to navigate, but if you're married to a REAL good guy, they won't argue about it, they'll do it without you asking because you're their WIFE.

Hope things go well for you.

[JBaxter]

Yes you need to consult a lawyer and depending on the state you are in you could be intitled to part of any equity over they last 8 yrs but in a lot of states you wont be.   Kudos for getting a job lined up.  And FYI you are not required to pay any bills once you start working ( bank that $$ girl!)  Again depending on what state your in he may get 50/50 custody but there are SO many factors.  Good luck in the job hunt!

[Goodmom2008]

Originally Posted by jojo12 

No, he has told me to leave!

He can't make you leave in the abscence of a court order.  Regardless of whether or not he owned the house before you married is irrelevant, it is your legal residence.  He will probably end up with the house because he did own it before the marriage.  But he will have to pay you your share of any increase in equity during the marriage.  If none, then it's his free and clear.  As for his bank accounts, well, any money added to them after the marriage makes it joint and subject to division. 

BTW, don't leave the house without first having issues of custody and support set up with the courts.  If you leave with the kids, he can get a court to order the kids back to the family home.  You really should consult with an attorney. 

[Goodmom2008]

Originally Posted by jojo12 

He thinks he will get custody and I will leave with NOTHING!

Do not take legal advice from your stbx.  Get yourself an attorney. And don't leave the house without the kids AND a court order addressing custody, support and parenting time.

[Goodmom2008]

Originally Posted by HollyBearsMom 

And many don't. Which is why she needs a lawyer.  There are *many* laws in place to protect people who are being victimized by their circumstances. 
 

ALL states have laws regarding a person's legal residence.  The OP's stbx CANNOT kick her out in ANY state without a court order as it is her LEGAL residence.  Every single landlord out there has to go through the proper channels to evict a person that is renting from them, this is no different.  He's going to end up with the house, that is a given.  But he may have to pay her a share of any increase in equity since the date of the marriage. 

[One_Girl]

I think you need to talk to a lawyer.  You should save the tax returns for this year if you can get your hands on them without getting him involved.  They will base child support and spousal support off of that.  Since you aren't working and you have no assets you may qualify for legal aid or a volunteer attorney. 

[MissLotus]

OP, he's just full of hot air.  He's saying what he wants, not what is going to happen.  So please don't listen to him, engage with him, converse about anything unless directly about the kids and their needs.  He knows he's got you scared, so don't let him, do NOT leave the house or the children, etc.  Ignore him.

I have a friend who got divorced last year, they were married 13 years, have 3 kids and owned a house but her name was not on the house's title (since they bought it after they got married, I don't understand why she allowed that, but anyway...).  He was refusing to move and all that stuff.  She got a lawyer who guided her through the process - that was really important.  So they eventually had a hearing in which the judge said the husband had to move out of the residence in 45 days or whatever, and that even though her name was not on the title, they would sell the house and she'd get half the proceeds of the sale.  The part that worked against her was that since her name wasn't on the title, her ex had the power to decide who to sell it to... and sold it dirt-cheap, just to lessen the amount she'd end up with.  (And yes, it lessened his amount too, but hey, it was worth it because it irritated her, right?  I hate these guys.)  But the point is, legally, half of his assets are yours because you are married.  And if you've been the primary caregiver, he can go whistle for custody.  So laugh in his face, call a lawyer for a consultation and explain what you've said here.  Believe me, they'll have heard it all before and will know how to deal with him.

[lilyka]

Amen to the person before me.

Also if you are working I would hide that money.  Do not use it to pay bills.  He can't make you.  Don't leave until you have been kicked out OR given custody of the children.   He cannot make you leave without a court order.  You can however perhaps get a court order to have him removed.  Talk to you lawyer before making any moves.

Get a lawyer and start the process ASAP.  Don't wait for him or be worried about ticking him off.  I put my lawyers retainer on my husbands credit card.  In the end he got stuck paying it.  woot woot.  Not likely to happen but it was sure nice when it did.     

Don't worry about uprooting the kids.  Divorce sucks for kids.  Saving the house will not necessarily make it any easier.  I fought for the house.  Totally not worth it.  I tried to sell it afterwards when I realized I could not afford a house and was not skilled enough to the repairs an old house is constantly in need of.  My kids were really dissappointed when we had to take it off the market.  They really didn't care at all about living here.  I wish I had let him have it.  I don't know anything about your situation legally but from someone who got the house...meh, not that big of a deal.  I really wish we would have sold it and split the money.  I was concerned about him living here and the girls coming to visit here.  My friend is the one who moved out and she said it is hard for the girls to "go home" for visitation with their dad.  Hopefully you can at least get a share of the equity.  Or use the house as leverage, a bargining point.  Maybe say he gets the house but also takes all the debt.

I don't think you are totally screwed. Honestly it would have never crossed my mind to make my husband change legal paperwork mumbo jumbo.  I just didn't care. and I knew nothing about our finances, expenses etc.  It didn't kill me.  I got things in order quickly and my lawyer did the rest.  

The most important thing is that you are getting a job.  good for you.  

It was weird getting my husband to leave.  He stuck around a few days after i filed the paperwork.  It was really weird but how do you ask someone to "please go now."

[homewithtwinsmama]

Not trying to be mean, but I had my name on the bank accounts before we even got married.  I wouldn't have gone through with it otherwise.  Period. And I would have insisted on getting my name added to the deed of the house as well.  In many states there is a category of reasons for divorce of financial deprivation or abuse (there is in my state).  You need a lawyer consult ASAP! Go to your tribe here and ask for good local ones.