How do you lovingly and gently deal w/a young child who's on the wrong end of a snit?

[melissel]

DD5 is my strong-willed kid, and though we've made some strides in learning how to deal with it, sometimes I'm still at a loss. Right now she's weeping in the garage because her sister refused to give her a sheet out of a drawing pad she has. The paper in the pad is of mediocre quality, we have plenty of high-quality blank paper of all sizes, and yet DD5 is weeping piteously because she cannot have this single piece of paper because her sister is in possession of it.

I comforted, I consoled, I pointed out that asking someone to share does not mean they will share or even that they have to, I pointed out all the quality paper in the house, I said I was sorry she was sad, I held her on my lap for a few minutes. Rather than calming down, she just escalated and began to cling to me, even though I needed to get up to help get HER GS cookies sorted and wrapped. Finally I basically told her that she if she was still upset she needed to take it to her room. She clung to me and followed me downstairs (where I went to examine the ingredients in the breakfast she'd eaten--no red 40 in sight). I told her to come up and she refused, so now she's shut herself in the garage, watching a star projector.

Someone once pointed out to me that we shouldn't tell these highly emotional kids that they're overreacting or their feelings are out of line, because they feel dismissed and don't understand how what they feel is unreasonable. That makes sense to me. But where's the line between encouraging inappropriate emotions and dismissing them out of hand? DD5 is the type that will cry and escalate as long as attention is paid to her, but I also don't want her to feel abandoned because her emotions are so big.

In short (ha!), how do you handle this sort of thing while being loving and gentle but also getting the "this is an inappropriate level of grief over a piece of paper" message across?

TIA!

ETA: I forgot to add that she has plenty of her own pads of paper (which she uses at a very environmentally unfriendly rate), and she has the same pad but left it elsewhere intentionally (so she can use it there). DD8 is an artist, so she uses her paper carefully and sparingly, and consequently always has a nice pad somewhere. FWIW!

[LynnS6]

Sounds like my daughter to a T.

I do basically what you did. Comfort, console, some talk ala "How to Talk So Your Children Will Listen..." reflecting her feelings back to her ("you sound disappointed..."). And if she's still escalating it becomes: "I understand you're still upset about this. If you are going to continue to scream and whine, then you need to take it to your room." We'll connect after she's done.

While she has a right to her feelings, and I don't want to tell her not to have them, we also have a right not to be screamed at. She spent all of the family dinner time two nights ago sobbing in our bedroom (she usually chooses to go to our room to have a fit) because she'd gotten it in her mind that she wanted hot dogs for dinner, and we weren't having hot dogs. (We had no hot dogs in the house, we had no buns, it wasn't happening.) Like with the paper, it was an inappropriate level of grief over the dinner menu. She liked what we were having, she just wanted hot dogs. After she was done, she came down, ate her dinner and was fine.

It sounds to me like sitting in the garage watching a star projector might be a really good way for your dd to calm down. When she comes out, give her a hug and move on.

[meemee]

Originally Posted by LynnS6 

It sounds to me like sitting in the garage watching a star projector might be a really good way for your dd to calm down. When she comes out, give her a hug and move on.

i agree.

your dd has hit the magic age of 5. 

has she always been like this or has this suddenly escalated?

its probably an emotional growth spurt. at 5 dd started going through something like that. she'd be really frustrated and then extreme emotion. either extreme tears over tiny little things like your 5 year old, or extreme uncontrollable exciting behaviour. 

hang in there. it is going to get better. at this point they are at a REAL low point in life. so while you do what you would normally do - draw a sympathetic line. just like you did. and let her stay alone to compose herself. 

remember all your child wants to know if you are available if she is upset. she doesnt need you to fix things for her.

this is first stage prepuberty. this pmsing will come and go in droves i am sure. 
 

[mamazee]

I'd briefly empathize and let her know I'm there when she needs me, then let her be instead of trying to stop it. My older dd is very emotional too and I find that talking about it too much feeds the drama, and that she needs attention after she's gone through this more than during.

[sunnygir1]

I don't think you have to communicate to her that it's an inappropriate level of grief over a small thing.  I think what you did is fine.  What's inappropriate isn't her grief, but her behavior.  I totally think hugging and supporting her is great, and then if she continues to yell and kick and scream, she can do it away from other people.  You should try not to feel too upset about her spending her time in the garage -- it's an okay thing for her to choose to do with her time, right?  Don't sweat it -- you're doing great.

[Jenni1894]

Originally Posted by LynnS6 

Sounds like my daughter to a T.

I do basically what you did. Comfort, console, some talk ala "How to Talk So Your Children Will Listen..." reflecting her feelings back to her ("you sound disappointed..."). And if she's still escalating it becomes: "I understand you're still upset about this. If you are going to continue to scream and whine, then you need to take it to your room." We'll connect after she's done.

While she has a right to her feelings, and I don't want to tell her not to have them, we also have a right not to be screamed at. She spent all of the family dinner time two nights ago sobbing in our bedroom (she usually chooses to go to our room to have a fit) because she'd gotten it in her mind that she wanted hot dogs for dinner, and we weren't having hot dogs. (We had no hot dogs in the house, we had no buns, it wasn't happening.) Like with the paper, it was an inappropriate level of grief over the dinner menu. She liked what we were having, she just wanted hot dogs. After she was done, she came down, ate her dinner and was fine.

It sounds to me like sitting in the garage watching a star projector might be a really good way for your dd to calm down. When she comes out, give her a hug and move on.

And also sounds like my DD!!  

I do the same things....console, comfort, empathize...then let her be.   And once she's done freaking out....she comes back like nothing happened.  

[Tjej]

DD5 here is like that too - always has been, although she does seem a bit extra sensitive lately too (easy tears, but with measured control).  I validate, hug, attempt slight discussion, then if that isn't going anywhere good I suggest she either calm down or go to her room and calm down and we can talk about it after she is calm.  Usually works.  If it does just escalate 90% of the time it is because she is overtired and/or I have been really busy with lots of other stuff for a few days and haven't really spent quality time with her.  I try to be mindful and connect and not have her overtired and it helps.

Another thing I do is to show a bit about reactions to things - sometimes if she is going nuts I'll mirror that back to her in a silly way.  Sometimes she gets that it is ridiculous and can laugh it off, and if she doesn't I drop it right away because I don't want to be mocking her.  Sometimes I will just randomly talk about stuff that she has gotten super upset about in the past and we'll discuss how big of a deal it really was.  If she gets hurt and is screaming bloody murder and stomping around over a mild scrape or bump I'll snuggle her but also explain that the way she is reacting is more like a really big injury reaction, and I expected to find her missing a limb or something, not having a small barely visible scrape on her shin.  Pointing out these things over time seems to be helping DD gague herself better - she seems to be getting better at being able to stop in the moment if I point it out and assess how big of a deal it really is (but she's also still 5...).

Tjej

[One_Girl]

Originally Posted by mamazee 

I'd briefly empathize and let her know I'm there when she needs me, then let her be instead of trying to stop it. My older dd is very emotional too and I find that talking about it too much feeds the drama, and that she needs attention after she's gone through this more than during.

This is what I found also.  Quietly holding my dd and letting her talk after briefly empathizing helps her not fall into a prolonged cycle.  I also disengage after a few minutes and tell her I am sorry she is sad but I need to get xyz done then I offer to let her come with me and help or do another activity to try to distract her.  A tantrum is a very irrational time for my dd and she just can't rationalize things even if she wants to so talking after she is calm helps her more in the long term because she is able to come up with other things she could have done and she does remember them for the next time she is upset about a similar thing.  As she has gotten older she has become much less prone to tears because she has so many solutions she has generated after a meltdown to fall back on when something isn't going her way.