I'm not sure who to turn to and, so, I'm turning to you all.
My first child was born on my 18th birthday. I had absolutely NO idea what birth was supposed to be like. My mother had three children, all of them by cesarean section. I was the first, born in a hospital that let her lay alone in bed for a day and a half, in a room next to a screaming man who had jumped from a balcony while on LSD. My Dad threatened someone into looking in at her and that's when she finally received care. So, she was no help in my first birth. She had also never seen it done as it was intended.
So, with my first child, I had a cesarean because of "major fetal distress". I lay on my back the whole time, couldn't drink anything although my mouth felt like a desert, hooked up to IV, had my water broken, cervix softened - you name it - I had the intervention.
Fast forward 19 years and I'm pregnant with my second child. I'm more learned now and insist on a VBAC. Unfortunately, where I live, no doctor will let you have one nor will the only hospital in our city. So, my husband and I find a VBAC friendly doctor who is two hours away to take care of me.
I have a wonderful pregnancy with a loving, supportive man. I start feeling contractions Saturday morning at about 3 a.m. I continue doing normal household stuff until it starts to get too difficult to do so. We'd already had a couple of false starts and so we wait until we're sure this time. I'm mooing like a mad cow [LOL] while I call my doula and she says "get here now!" And, we leave. It's a long uncomfortable trip. I tried to stop by my chiropractor before we go for one last adjustment; but, we can't reach her until we're almost to the hospital.
We get to the hospital and the doula is wonderful. The nurse tells her not to give me anything to drink; but, she does anyway. We are put into a room and I'm still mooing. The contractions are come in waves; but, that's not the pain that I can't bear. It's the intense pain that is in my hips and running down my thighs. There's no let up. On a scale of 1-10, the contractions are about a 4 to 5 - the pains in my hip and legs are a 12. My doctor arrives and tells me that I need to "rest between the pains". I tell her there IS NO between the pains, it's constant. Okay, I shout it; but, you know what I mean. After a while, she offers me an epidural to rest and I have to take it cause I'm past my endurance. I take the epi and I sleep for a while. After a bit, they then tell me that my baby's heart rate keeps going up as her oxygen goes down. I have to have a c-section. It breaks my heart; but, I don't want to cause my daughter any pain. [I can't help but cry as I type this.] We go in for the c-section and, although it's better than the first one I had, I feel like a failure.
Once it's all said and done, my daughter was born with an apgar of 9 [just like her brother was]. The only difference is that she has a lump on her head now from where they had to suction her back out of the birth canal. Her head was presented incorrectly. It wasn't the top of her head [where it molds] that was being presented; but, off to the side a bit which was causing her to get stuck [as I was told].
I feel robbed. I don't know what happened. Did I REALLY need the c-section? Was she on her way out but progressing slowly? Or, did we do what we needed to do to save her life? I really don't know and I still mourn for the birth I had planned for.
Don't get me wrong, I am VERY grateful for my little girl who is the light of my life and that she was born healthy and well. But, was a traumatized for nothing? Could someone have repositioned her? I have this feeling that it could have been done; but, that I was given the choice of laboring on my own successfully or get a c-section. I just think there's got to be a better way.