I hate nursing him.

[crunchy_mommy]

Well, that's not true. Not always. But right now I really REALLY resent it.

I want sooooo badly to CLW or at least give ourselves the option of CLW... I believe strongly in it but I also believe that for this particular child (my 2yo DS, that is) it is NECESSARY. He is very high-needs and intense and may have some sensory issues... nursing is critical to him. He is still nursing for calories to some extent as well (he really barely ate solids until 18mos and even now still gets at least half his calories from breastmilk.

But he is driving me insane. I'm feeling so, so frustrated and resentful. I feel violated, to be honest -- with all the demanding and pulling on my shirt and hysterical screaming when I ask him to wait a little... I can't take it. Maybe it's normal 2yo stuff or maybe it's the lack of sleep or maybe it's my history (sexual abuse) or maybe it is the whole combination, I don't know. He doesn't sleep. He wakes up several times an hour to nurse most nights. If I so much as walk into the room, he is DEMANDING to nurse. He's going through a tough stage right now (not sure what but he's like a different kid this last week or two, and I DON'T mean that in a good way) so I am trying hard to remember that this stage will hopefully pass & things will settle down a bit but to be honest, I am sick of every 'stage' involving obsessive & demanding increases in nursing. I can't handle it. It's just so physically and emotionally and mentally difficult for me. I feel so distant from him right now, and I don't want to be around him, because of his constant requests. And when he does nurse, he wants to stay latched on forever. He doesn't have the greatest latch and I cannot stand sitting still and it's just a big mess. When I pictured CLW with a 2yo, I thought I'd be nursing 2-3 times a day, maybe once at night, I don't know... I definitely didn't picture 5-10 times a day (with many more denied requests) and 10+ times a night!!

[scottishmommy]

I'm not sure if I'm allowed to post anything that encourages weaning on this particular forum (mods feel free to remove my post), but I think it's time for you to start going down that road. I was in your situation a few weeks ago. I had an obsessed nursling and I just couldn't stand it after I got pregnant. I am a firm believer in trusting your body, and I feel like yours is saying "enough!". In my case, the weaning process was hard at first. My DD had a lot of temper tantrums and seemed very upset about the whole thing. But it is so much better now. I still let her nurse, but only 3 times a day and for a few minutes. To me, that's pretty much weaned. She was nursing at least 5 times a night and 6 times a day before. We started with night weaning, which was surprisingly easy. I simply said that she couldn't have "noona" every time she woke up. She would fuss for a minute or two, and then fall back to sleep. The next feeding to go was the bedtime. My DH started to put her to sleep. Wouldn't you know it, it takes that man 10 minutes to get her to sleep. I used to have to nurse her for at least 45 minutes at bedtime! After that I simply stopped sitting down during the day. That works surprisingly well! So, we've managed to almost wean in a few months. If I were you I would start slowly and see where it goes. Try not to feel guilty. Your feelings still matter even if your a mom! Good luck!

[JMJ]

Hugs to you, mama.  I'm in a very similar situation, feeling like isn't it supposed to taper off... ever?  I'm nursing her more now than when she was a newborn.  I'm nursing her more than every hour.  It seems like everyone else who CLW's is nursing a lot less at this age (DD also just turned 2).  Why did I get the one who has to nurse ALL THE TIME.  I'm afraid to ask for support because (no offense, scottishmommy) I don't want people to encourage me to wean whatsoever.  I want people to help me deal with it because I do want to CLW, or if I have to, wean gently in a mother-child dance.  I don't want temper tantrums.  I don't want fights.  Our nursing relationship is special.  I don't want it to end like that.  I want to wean when we're both OK with it.

First, I'm trying to look at myself and my own feelings.  I'm trying to acknowledge and respect how I am feeling.  If there is somebody I can trust to talk to about it, I do.  I don't try to not feel that way, and I try not to feel guilty about it.  Sometimes, if I acknowledge the feelings for what they are, they're not as bad as I thought before I gave them a name, and if I acknowledge it, I can work through it.  If I dismiss it, it grows.

Second, I'm trying to look at what is actually bothering me.  Nursing is bothering me, but what about nursing?  Is it the fact that she is doing acrobatics at the breast or has a sloppy latch, and it's not comfortable?  Is it the fact that where I am in my menstrual cycle is causing discomfort and some icky hormonal feelings?  Is it because I'm not getting enough sleep?  Is it because I don't like being touched that much of the day?  Is it because I don't like her attitude about my breasts, screaming for them all day?  Is it because I never feel like I get a break because I am needed all the time?  Is it because the reality of my child's needs is not meeting up with my expectations?

When I define the problem as nursing, the only option I can see is weaning.  When I look deeper, I see that there is a lot more I can do.  I can set limits to require that my child treat my body with respect during nursing if she wants to nurse.  I can know that as soon as I'm done ovulating, things will get better.  I can nap during my daughter's nap or spend more time in bed at night by going to bed earlier or sleeping later if possible.  I can address my feelings about being touched and weigh them against my child's need to nurse.  There are times that she can find something else to do, and there are times that I'm the one who needs to make do, but I do it as a choice to meet my daughter's needs, not because I feel that I have to.  I can ask her to ask me nicely to nurse, even if the answer is to wait.  (Thank you for asking nicely.  I would be happy to nurse you as soon as I get the dishwasher running.)  I can make an effort to take some time for myself at a mutually agreeable time (quiet during her nap, walk with Daddy, etc).  I can work to accept my child for who she is, to treasure her for who she is, to find beauty in the fact that she is different than a lot of other children.

...and when I'm old and need a lot of assistance, I'll know to call.

Edited by JMJ - 4/8/11 at 1:57pm

[woodchick]

JMJ, that was a beautiful post! Thank you.  (I can't get 'return' to work.grr.)  My DD2 just turned 2 as well and has been nursing a TON.  I am inclined to blame her two year molars which haven't errupted yet.  Her sleep has been poor, she's been extra fussy at some points during the day and the nursing has ramped up.  I fully expect our lives to calm down once those darn teeth show up.  DD1 is still nursing at almost 5 and  I remember this 'just turned two' age being difficult with her as well.   But really, read JMJ's post over and over. It is great!

[crunchy_mommy]

Thanks guys... JMJ, what an amazing post. I will have to keep re-reading that. I really really don't want to wean him (though, Scottishmommy, having someone give me 'permission' to do so makes it easier to keep doing it... just knowing I CAN stop if I truly want/need to helps me keep going)... It also helps to know that others are going through/have gone through the same thing. Maybe it's because I only know 1 other nursing 2yo (who only nurses 1-3x/day and STTN) but I often feel very alone. I seriously thought maybe there was something wrong with DS, why on earth does he nurse so much and WHY WON'T HE SLEEP for an hour straight???? And it certainly doesn't help to see my friends' newborns who nurse way way less than DS. But I know he needs it and I know it will get better again... it's just that dread of the next stage. I don't like having anyone DEMAND anything of me (especially of my body!) but especially not when it involved hysterical screaming and biting and grabbing!! I will have to save your post, JMJ, and read it every day. Thank you.

[LaurenS]

I didn't have time to read the replies you got, so forgive me if I am repeating what someone already said. CLW means different things to different people. I believe it's okay to set limits if you are not enjoying the nursing relationship. For instance, when DS1 was almost 4, he was only nursing once or twice a week. I figured that he was almost done nursing and DH and I decided to go for #2. As soon as I got pregnant, DS1 wanted to nurse a few times a day. I was fine with it, although I experienced some pain since I was pregnant and since his latch wasn't the best. I talked to him about my pain and told him that when it was hurting me I would count to 10 and then he would have to stop. I was very gentle about it and it was something we could discuss. Then was DS2 was born, DS1 wanted to nurse so much, that I had to set limits. I explained to him that DS2 needed more milk since he was a baby and since he didn't get to eat solid food yet. I still let him nurse, but there were gentle limits set. I have to say that not too long after DS2 was born, I started dreading nursing DS1. I  hated it. But I hid those feelings from him. I don't know why I hated it so much. But I tried very hard to keep it going. I tried to be gentle on myself. I was reading and posting on this forum a lot! DS1 did CLW three months after his brother was born around his 5th birthday. The spacing between DS2 and DS3 is much smaller. DS3 was born when DS2 was 33 months old. Again, i talked to DS2 about sharing the milk with DS3 and that DS3 would need to get more milk than him because babies can't eat solid foods. Though, I haven't felt resentment with nursing DS2 after DS3 was born and I'm not sure why.

I think dialogue is important, though like I said, I didn't share when I had feelings like I didn't want to nurse anymore. But a 2 year old needs lots of repitition. So if you explain to him that you don't  like it when he screams or pulls on your shirt and that it's not okay, it will take time for him to understand. I think it's really helpful to vent on this forum whenever you feel resentment, or anger, etc. Just keep talking about those feeling with other moms who either currently feel that way or have felt that way in the past.

[tibeca]

JMJ put it quite well. The mother-child relationship, and specifically nursing, are about mutual respect. Respect for a person's right to say no and to be in charge of their own body. You have the right to not be grabbed, pulled or de-clothed. I suspect if you work on those behaviors with your son, you'll find that nursing isn't the problem.

[Marissamom]

I don't nurse my almost 2 year old "on demand". if she's screaming at my or climbs on my lap and starts helping herself I don't nurse her, she has to ask, not demand. demanding makes me feel resentful, asking doesn't. I also ask her to wait sometimes if there's something else I need to do. "we'll have baba in a minute, after mama is finished..."

it also really helps if I get some time off from her on a regular basis. an afternoon shopping with my best friend without DD in tow, or DD going over to grandma's so I can get some stuff done around the house or sit on the couch without her climbing onto my lap. 

[JudiAU]

Any chance he has molars coming in? Ear infection? My 20m has recently gotten very demand-y and I finally tracked it down to teething. My first just didn't have the vocab/personality she has. She actually screams out grumpily NURSE during bad dreams which is kind of funny but also wakes me up.

I'd also say there is a difference to on-demand at this age and yes, I am happy to nurse you within some structure. No, I am not nursing you on the potty (yours, mine) or grocery shopping for 10 minutes etc.

[Lotus_J]

I know EXACTLY how you feel. My DD is almost 21 months now and I'm pregnant and I really resented nursing. My DD is very demanding and high need. She was nursing at least 10 times a night.  I was up crying the entire time I was nursing. Its really hard when your child nurses so often for so long. It's exhausting and draining and you feel used and like it will never end. I totally understand.  I have FINALLY been able to night wean her (this took a lot longer than a few days) I had to have my DH help me. I would go to the couch in the middle of the night (or whenever I was on the verge of tears) and he would put her back to sleep. I think she could sense my frustration and resentment and was having a harder time falling back asleep because of it. When I wasn't in the room and she learned that I wasn't going to nurse her she would sleep in 2 hour stretches than 3 hours and so on.  Slowly we were able to get her to stop nursing at night. The night weaning really helped but I still am resenting it a bit because it is so painful now that I'm pregnant. I know I have to begin weaning her because the resentment from breastfeeding is hurting our relationship more than helping it. I should have done this sooner but I kept telling myself the benefits of child led weaning. I realized that if I'm resenting it and turning into a mean mom I'm trying to do more than I'm capable of. I wish I could continue until she decides to wean but I have to be honest with myself on what I can handle. I would def. try night weaning and see if that helps. I just tell my little one that nursing is all done. Good luck. Don't feel guilty about the resentment you're not a horrible mom. It's great that you've been able to breastfeed this long! If you can continue AWESOME If not well know that you breastfeed your child longer than 95% of children in the States (and that's pretty awesome)

[Subhuti]

I think it's Ok to keep nursing but perhaps consider saying your breasts need to rest at night.  Especially since your l.o. is two.  I did extended breast feeding, but fairly early on night-weaned because I had a strange problem -- we co-slept, and my babies wanted to nurse off and on all night -- and I am one of the rare women who can't sleep and nurse.  It keeps me wide awake.

So ... co-sleeping to me was more important than night nursing, so we night weaned and just kept nursing during the day.  That was around 6 months for each. It's early but I began to lose my milk entirely from literally not sleeping.  My husband was key in night weaning -- the dads really have to do it if you are going to co-sleep.  He took over the co-sleeping until the night weaning was done.  

It worked fine...