My kid is LAZY. - Page 3

[hakeber]

Originally Posted by LynnS6 

Quote:

Yes, the reading part could be, but the combination of struggling to complete school work (getting it sometimes and not getting it other times) + the fact that he seems to get really tired while doing simple things like eating make me wonder if there's some underlying physical cause. Hypotonia, for example, can be treated (it requires a lot of regular, physical exercise). Knowing what's going on with this child might help his mom parent him better. If mom knows there aren't physical/neurological issues, then yes, it's a power struggle. But I've seen too many parents spend a couple of years fighting with their child, finally get a diagnosis and go "Oh, so s/he wasn't just lazy/stubborn/whatever." And those couple of years of assuming it was the child's 'fault' did damage to the relationship, and to the child's self esteem.

Our son has some very mild special needs (sensory). Because of those, he has not been able to learn to swim (he can't bring himself to put his face in the water, the sense of floating freaks him out because his vestibular senses are poor and he can't figure out where his body is or what it's going to do.) My brother has very similar issues, and I distinctly remember how frustrated my parents were with him and how he was often accused of not trying. It wasn't that he didn't want to try, it's that his body went into full panic mode when he was in the water. He couldn't try. Because I know my son can't try (at least right now, as he gets older, it gets better), we avoid that power struggle altogether. I still don't know the best way to teach him to swim, but I know that forcing swimming lessons right now is pointless.

So, before declaring this a power struggle, I'd want to know if indeed there was something going on that makes it hard for this child. But jumping to the conclusion that your child is lazy or that you as a parent are making this a huge power struggle, maybe looking for other causes makes sense.

Personally, I'd wait until after the baby is born, and the family has readjusted to let mom's hormones and son's reaction to a new sibling work themselves out. But if the problems persist, yes, I would recommend a medical evaluation.

I understand how getting a disgnosis could help a mom come to terms and stop negatively labelling the child,  but it seems to me to just be replacing one label with another...I guess the point for me is...stop forcing your kids to do stuff they are not interested in.  Why do you need a label to not fight with your kids over reading or swimming or eating or whatever?  I've never had a productive argument with my child.  I have never won an argument with my child.  His vision of the world can be summed up with the quote: "I reject your reality and substitute my own." 

Instead of getting mad, I try to get creative.

Obviously, if a diagnosis helps you find strategies to do that, then fantastic, but labels can come back to haunt a child, so unless something is really glaringly awful, I'd probably start with diffusing the struggle, and THEN go in for a medical evaluation.  

[minkajane]

Just wanted to give a bit of an update - we made a doctor's appointment today for a checkup, showed up, and got told we couldn't be seen because we don't vax. Great. Guess it doesn't matter anyway, because the nurse checked my insurance and even though I was told it was good till the end of the month, it's canceled. So we're SOL until we can get our new insurance set up here.

We've had a few pretty good days in a row. Some tough moments, but overall decent days. He's been happily doing his schoolwork, actually retaining things we teach him, and even eating well. I don't know what's changed, but I'm not complaining! We got some new school supplies today that he's really excited about, so hopefully we have another good day tomorrow too. Something that seems to have helped is that we've started doing week-long units and connecting all of our activities to the same theme. Last week it was George Washington and this week it's farms. Totally random units, but he likes them.

One thing we're still having trouble with is that he seems to get REALLY cranky when we try to do stuff with him. Like yesterday we took him to the park for an hour because he'd done his school stuff so well and he whined about everything the rest of the night. He does that a lot and it really makes us not want to take him places because he gets so cranky and mean after.

Thanks for all the input from everyone. Here's hoping things continue to get better.

[kavamamakava]

Instead of getting mad, I try to get creative.   

YES YES YES. Like when I feel like yelling at my kids out of frustration, my sister taught me to lower my voice instead. I'll grrr and then talk in a low voice and they know that means business but I'm not an out of control screaming banshee, either. Kind of reminds me of how it's better to mooo like a cow during labor than it is to yell that it hurts.  

It sounds like posting about things was the magic that was needed, minkajane.  I've had that happen when my baby wouldn't nap or started biting while nursing. Completely frustrated, I'd get online to post about it and then, whaddya know baby magically stops after I post about it. 

My 6 year old tends to vent a lot, too.  She followed me through the grocery store today whining about everything.  I pointed out to her that she could choose a happy reality instead and talk about things she likes instead of things she doesn't, she'd have more fun.  Luckily she changed her tune because I was feeling harried and stressed just from listening to her. 

[hakeber]

Originally Posted by minkajane 

Just wanted to give a bit of an update - we made a doctor's appointment today for a checkup, showed up, and got told we couldn't be seen because we don't vax. Great. Guess it doesn't matter anyway, because the nurse checked my insurance and even though I was told it was good till the end of the month, it's canceled. So we're SOL until we can get our new insurance set up here.

We've had a few pretty good days in a row. Some tough moments, but overall decent days. He's been happily doing his schoolwork, actually retaining things we teach him, and even eating well. I don't know what's changed, but I'm not complaining! We got some new school supplies today that he's really excited about, so hopefully we have another good day tomorrow too. Something that seems to have helped is that we've started doing week-long units and connecting all of our activities to the same theme. Last week it was George Washington and this week it's farms. Totally random units, but he likes them.

One thing we're still having trouble with is that he seems to get REALLY cranky when we try to do stuff with him. Like yesterday we took him to the park for an hour because he'd done his school stuff so well and he whined about everything the rest of the night. He does that a lot and it really makes us not want to take him places because he gets so cranky and mean after.

Thanks for all the input from everyone. Here's hoping things continue to get better.

I like the idea of a unit of inquiry.  This is a good way for kids to make links and seethe value/purpose what they are doing beyond the gold stars and A+s. (Not that you do that at home, but it's basically what we do in schools is all)

DS gets cranky after doing something fun.  I try to remind DH who gets personally offended by it that it is not a negative thing, he is not being ungrateful (which is what it feels like) but rather exressing his disappointment that life is now going back to normal.  Come to think of it, it got particularly bad right before and right after the baby came...now, after the first year he has settled down a lot. It also helps to make sure that park outings and other adventures always include a snack.  Maybe (for my DS I mean...just processing as I type) it's that it was such a fun escape from the everyday, that it feels really hard to go back to the reality of being a big brother, with big responsibilities, and big chores and big...everything.  It was just so nice to be free and little and the only important one that going back is like a little heart breaking...Good to have done the outing, but hard to readjust.  It really does get better though.  The whininess won't last forever, especially if the outings are not infrequent or only linked to "good" behavior or schooling achievments.  When he learns to trust that he can go again tomorrow, or the next day...this was one thing I think helped DS to remind him that we can go again tomorrow, or any day at all. 

I am SO sorry to hear you are without insurance and that the clinics are not being helpful.  The healthcare in the US is just abysmal without private care.  I hope you get what you need, soon.  That must be very scary to be expecting a little one and not have medical insurance there...no wonder everyone is a little on edge at home.

I hope things keep getting better with your DS! 

Have you tried the high protein breakfast thing?  wait...was that this thread?

[minkajane]

I guess I spoke too soon. Today has been a total NIGHTMARE. He keeps whining about every single thing. We started using the new books that we got him. He was oh-so-excited to use them, until it came to actually DOING something. He starts slumping over sideways, rolling on the floor, saying he can't do it, he's hungry, he has to pee, whatever. And this is after less than 5 minutes. It's not like I'm trying to get him to work for hours on end! The only thing we've gotten accomplished today was a set of 10 math problems that involved nothing more complicated than coloring circles. And even that had to be done in two sessions because he started whining and rolling on the floor halfway through. He uses one of those tables where you sit on the floor and it goes over your lap, so he's constantly laying down and rolling around instead of sitting up where he can see his book. He does it when he's standing too - if I try to talk to him, he'll lean against the nearest surface and start slumping down. If we're sitting on the couch together, he ends up slumped away from me so he can't see the book.

I've tried various types of activities to keep him interested - hands-on, drawing, videos, reading, whatever, it all ends the same way.

ETA: The kid's just trying to prove me wrong now, LOL. He's been in a great mood for the last 90 minutes and has been gladly doing any schoolwork I ask him to do. Gotta appreciate what you can get, right?

Edited by minkajane - 4/15/11 at 2:42pm

[stik]

It sounds like a classic case of a child-parent power struggle.  He's demonstrating his own power by showing that you can't make him do stuff.  I know it seems counter-intuitive, but a lot of the time these issues are dramatically less severe with other adults.  He knows you're a safe adult who loves him unconditionally, so he feels really comfortable acting out with you.

 He might act that way in school with a teacher as well, which is why I would never recommend school to a parent who had posted your exact problem in the homeschooling forum.  But since this is the childhood forum, I hope I won't offend you if I say that he might be much more academically productive with an unfamiliar adult as a teacher and peers around to model learning behavior.  

[pianojazzgirl]

Originally Posted by stik 

It sounds like a classic case of a child-parent power struggle.  He's demonstrating his own power by showing that you can't make him do stuff.  I know it seems counter-intuitive, but a lot of the time these issues are dramatically less severe with other adults.  He knows you're a safe adult who loves him unconditionally, so he feels really comfortable acting out with you.

 He might act that way in school with a teacher as well, which is why I would never recommend school to a parent who had posted your exact problem in the homeschooling forum.  But since this is the childhood forum, I hope I won't offend you if I say that he might be much more academically productive with an unfamiliar adult as a teacher and peers around to model learning behavior.  

Wow - this is exactly what I was thinking and was about to post!

Along those lines... is he involved in any kind of "extracurricular" (ie. not with you) classes?  Music, dance, swimming, sports, anything like that?  If so I'd look at his behaviour in that environment.  If he acts much the same way as he does at home I'd be thinking along the lines of some of the medical/SN issues that pps have suggested.  If none of the "problematic" at-home behaviours go on in an away-from-home setting (or are greatly reduced) then I'd be inclined to chalk this up as more of a power struggle issue (perhaps coupled with boredom and/or craving more social time).

As for the behaviour post-outings it could be a matter of over-stimulation, disappointment at the ending of the outing, hunger or tiredness.  Do you notice a difference at different times of day (ex. he does fine on outings earlier in the day, but if it's closer to bedtime he is more tired and gets more cranky)?

[frugalmum]

A couple of my kids are similar.  You have to find something he does care about and take it away until he decides to be more cooperative and motivated.  Tell him the minimum he is expected to do (help clean up, homeschool lessons etc) and don't let him near video games (or whatever it is he does care about) until those things are done --without whining or giving you a hard time.  VG have to be "earned" on a daily basis in my house by helping out with household chores and completing homeschool.  Anyone who refuses, doesn't play VG or watch TV (which they're not allowed to do until 4pm on weekdays).  This worked really well with my kids, I hardly ever get an attitude from them and they are great with helping out.

Sending him to school could just turn into another battle, dragging him out of bed, forcing him to get dressed, forcing him to do homework.  Chances are it will be worse than homeschool, I know with us it was, because on top of all their other issues, they were exhausted and stressed from a full day of school.

[journeymom]

OP, is your son getting some good physical exertion?  If he spends 15 (or so)  minutes really playing hard, getting his heart and lungs pumping, brain buzzing, he might then be able to focus on a lesson.  Running, kicking a ball, climbing something, swinging, riding a bike/tricycle/scooter in circles.  Do you have a Wii? Could he do Wii Sports or Fit and really play hard before he sits down? 

Along those lines... is he involved in any kind of "extracurricular" (ie. not with you) classes?  Music, dance, swimming, sports, anything like that?  If so I'd look at his behaviour in that environment.  If he acts much the same way as he does at home I'd be thinking along the lines of some of the medical/SN issues that pps have suggested.  If none of the "problematic" at-home behaviours go on in an away-from-home setting (or are greatly reduced) then I'd be inclined to chalk this up as more of a power struggle issue (perhaps coupled with boredom and/or craving more social time).

I was thinking the same thing. 

[Tamee]

It seems to me like he just wants more control over his life. I am not a teacher, but I want to be one. I'm an TA for a Montessori school in Idaho and have had a lot of training and knowledge on the motives of the child.

Let him know what his choices are and let him make one. Don't be emotionally attached to any of them. Accept him how he is. Let there be natural and logical consequences for each choice, ei - you all get so much time for a meal and at the end of such time, the food is taken away. If he doesn't eat while he has food, he can wait til the next meal time. There is much great info out there on this kind of parenting lifestyle. I know a great teacher who I've gotten to know and have learned a lot from and she can definitely help you, I think. This is her site : http://martimonroe.blogspot.com

[stik]

Whatever else you do, please don't take food away from a child who is still eating, even if he is eating slowly.  You don't have to sit there and watch him.  You can leave the table and go on with your day.  Children are not puppies.  Especially when they are having difficulty with motor coordination and concentration, eating can take a while.  It's not natural or logical to give a kid a deadline for mealtime.