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If I told you I wasn't going to attend your wedding because... - Page 2

post #21 of 40

I am really surprised by a couple of things.  I would never expect anyone to pull their kid out of school for a WEEK for a wedding and I wouldn't expect anyone, even close family to go to a lot of expense to attend a wedding.  My husband's brother and his family didn't make it to our wedding - they had three small kids in school and it would've been expensive for the five of them to travel all this way.  His grandparents didn't want to fly.  My own best friend was in finals in nursing school and couldn't make it.  My husband was there, we got married, that's the important part.  I missed my brother's wedding (I was in NY, he was in La) because we were moving on the same weekend they planned our wedding.  We didn't have the time (limited vacation days) or the money (first month, last month, deposit in NYC, plus moving expenses = all the money we had in the world).  My brother understood.  No one was mad. 

 

So to the OP, all your reasons are perfectly valid.  Your husband is going.  Anyone who is going to be huffy with you over not wanting to spend a fortune or pull your kid out of school for a week?  Is being unreasonable.

post #22 of 40

unless you were my sibling, no I wouldn't think it was weird.  

 

When my brother had a late August Sunday evening wedding lots of our cousins left spouses and kids at home and came alone because the next monday was the 1st day of school.  No one was offended at all.

post #23 of 40

I would definitely not yank my kids out of school for a wedding of people that aren't family.  No way.  I am glad to hear I'm not the only one that is out of commission after a flight.  I have such horrible motion sickness from planes that I have to go to bed immediately after getting off the plane so I can get back to normal.  It's awfully annoying.

post #24 of 40

I consider extending an invitation just that.  I don't have expectations that people should rearrange their lives for my event, even for a wedding.  If they can make it and it fits in with their lives, great.  If they can't, so be it.  No harm, no foul.

post #25 of 40

Send DH and stay home.  No one will mind and if they do, eh.  They are his friends, not your joint friends and it sounds like you'd spend most of the time on your own with DS. 


I also would not want to pull DS out the second week of 1st grade.  They are getting settled and learning routines and making friends at that time.  I wouldn't want him to miss it.

post #26 of 40

An invitation is not a command performance.

 

I couldn't even THINK about paying for airfare for anybody's wedding, including my very own. It stresses me out to read how many people think I'd be rude for not going bankrupt to go to a wedding, but I couldn't even consider it beyond feeling extremely frustrated at people's expectations.

post #27 of 40

I wouldnt be offended by it. I wouldnt expect anyone to take their kids out of school to come to my wedding all the way across the country, and I surely wouldnt expect a mother to leave her 6 or 7 year old with a classmate and fly across the country without him.

post #28 of 40
Quote:
Originally Posted by EFmom View Post

I consider extending an invitation just that.  I don't have expectations that people should rearrange their lives for my event, even for a wedding.  If they can make it and it fits in with their lives, great.  If they can't, so be it.  No harm, no foul.



Yes, exactly. I'm actually rather shocked to see anyone in this thread saying that they'd be offended if the OP didn't attend their wedding under these circumstances. Offended, really?!? That someone had the nerve to say "no thank you" to an invitation you extended? I can't imagine even asking a guest why they couldn't be there, much less deciding that their reason wasn't good enough, and then getting offended over it. If I said anything at all it would just be, "Aw, we'll miss you, but I'll send you pictures!" with a smile. 

post #29 of 40

I don't think you need to give an excuse at all. Not wanting to take your child out of school is valid- so is cost of airfare.

If it were your twin sister getting married then I could see some offense but these are your dh's old college friends. No big deal if you aren't there too.

 

post #30 of 40
A lot of groups and cliches get formed the first few days of school. I'd stay. Send dh along if he wants to go.
post #31 of 40
Thread Starter 

Thanks for all the feedback. There are a lot of factors at play and I'll need to figure it out. I do love the groom and he stood up at our wedding, but unfortunately we haven't spent very much time with him in the past decade (we moved across the country) so I guess I"m feeling a bit disconnected.

 

OTOH, there is something special about how weddings bring people together. I also have a job and already am struggling with the first year of keeping DS occupied during the summer, so leaving town just as school starts is not great timing on this end - I'll finally be back to a regular working schedule. I only get 2 weeks worth of paid time off a year (we would probably go Thurs-Mon).

 

Lots to consider, I appreciate all the points of view.

post #32 of 40

I home educated my kids during that age.  Two of my children are now in school.  I would not pull them out for a wedding.  At that age, it takes longer to adjust.  Missing days in elementary school can be harder to catch up, since you are still building foundations.  I personally feel elementary grades are more important than high school because in high school maturity and skills to catch up and figure out what you have missed. 

post #33 of 40

I wouldn't do it either. I'm the parent that has no issues keeping her kid home for a powder day in the winter but right after school starts, nope. DD1 ended up missing 6 days of 2nd grade a little over a month after school started. I wasn't thrilled about it in the least, but it was completely unexpected due to both parents having work trips that did not go the way they were supposed to and the kids got dragged along for the ride. 

post #34 of 40

It wouldn't offend me. Weddings are fun, and I think they are important, but not worth tons of stress and a miserable flight and whatever else.  I would only fly across the country for a wedding if it was a very close friend or immediate family member of dh or I.

post #35 of 40

My husband's brother got married, and I was really excited about going to the wedding, but basically, I wasn't invited.  FIL was trying to figure a way for me to go, using hotel babysitters, but it was clear that most people didn't want me to go because of the fact that it wasn't family friendly.  So I didn't go.  My only regret was that my husband's other brother died a couple years later and he never met our second child.  I wanted to bring my new baby to introduce her to people, but it just didn't work out.

post #36 of 40

Haven't read all the replies, OP, but if this is the wedding of one of your's DH's college friends and you're not positive whether they would miss you if you stayed home from the wedding, I say that you have a very good reason to sit this wedding out.

 

IMO, it's just not a good idea to let a kid miss school during the first few weeks of school. There's so much going on in the formation of the social dynamic of the classroom community in those first few weeks of school that I would be really reluctant to allow my child to miss school. Kinda sounds to me like you don't like the idea of your DS missing school either, and there's nothing wrong with that.  

 

Believe it or not, I have been to plenty of weddings where one spouse/partner attended stag for whatever reason. It's not that uncommon a phenomenon. Heck, I stayed home from my BIL's destination wedding in another country last summer. DH and I couldn't afford to take all three of our kids with us, and even if we could have, I would have been the person missing out on all the fun to tend to the kids. I figured I'd be better off staying behind and having fun with the kids, and the four of us had a great time while DH and BIL's wedding party drank and partied themselves silly 3000 miles away!

 

OP, I say let your DH go and have a great time, and don't feel a bit guilty about staying behind, should you decide to do so. Just express your sincere regrets to the couple in a nice card and send a nice wedding gift, and then enjoy a few days of one-on-one time with your DS. smile.gif

post #37 of 40



 

Quote:
Originally Posted by nola79 View Post

Well, I wouldn't be offended by it. I also wouldn't pull my son out of school for a wedding either, unless it was very close family.


My kids are 14, 10 and 7.  I have pulled them out of school for two things - took dd1 out of (forget if it was kindergarten or 1st grade) to attend a friend's wedding in Canada.  Wedding was on a Friday so with border crossing, we couldn't be sure we'd make it if we left at 3:00.  I actually sent her to school for the morning and we left at lunch.  At the reception, the groom did a toast that I still remember so fondly - he said "all the people I love in the world are in this room".  Isn't that the sweetest?  SO worth taking her out a half day of school!  Oh, and the other thing I took the kids out of school for was when Graeme Base (Australian children's author/illustrator - one of my favorites...) was in town for a book reading/signing at a bookstore 40 minutes from our house.  10:00 a.m. on a school day... who scheduled that???  Maybe the only time they could get him while he was in town?  I considered it worthy of pulling my kids out of school, and still do.

 

Given the situation you describe, I don't think the bride and groom will be offended.  Anything that requires plane tickets is a fairly big deal - which I'd expect for you to do if I was your sister or dear friend, but not dp's college buddy.  Dp should absolutely go - which it sounds like he is.  That is all that is required.  Nice of them to invite all of you, but you aren't all required to go.  However, I wouldn't use school as an excuse - cost, distance, your job wouldn't offend me.  But not wanting to take a six year old out of school for three days might offend me if I were close to you.
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Drummer's Wife View Post

We can have 11 absences before getting a truancy letter.  So annoying. 

Here we can have 11 in a semester (two semesters per school year) before having to go before the attendance board - but this is only upheld in the high school I believe.  Excused (even with a doctor's note) still counts against you.  If the board finds against you, you lose credit for that semester - which means that you wouldn't graduate with your class!  My dd1 is a freshman in high school and missed more school this year than the rest of her years combined I bet.  She had pneumonia twice, strep throat and eye infection once each.  Geez.  We had doctor notes and the board found in our favor.  It was stressful though.
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Viola View Post

My husband's brother got married, and I was really excited about going to the wedding, but basically, I wasn't invited.  FIL was trying to figure a way for me to go, using hotel babysitters, but it was clear that most people didn't want me to go because of the fact that it wasn't family friendly.  So I didn't go.  My only regret was that my husband's other brother died a couple years later and he never met our second child.  I wanted to bring my new baby to introduce her to people, but it just didn't work out.

You were invited.  Your child was not invited.  That doesn't equal most people not wanting you to go.  If you chose not to go because it was adults only, that is your choice.  But you were invited.
 

 

post #38 of 40

 

Quote:

You were invited.  Your child was not invited.  That doesn't equal most people not wanting you to go.  If you chose not to go because it was adults only, that is your choice.  But you were invited.
 

I don't exactly agree with this.  When people decide not to include children or allow people to bring a date, I think it sends a very definite message.  "It would be nice if you showed up, but we really don't care all that much." 

 

Now, I'm all in favor of people having child free weddings if that's what they want, but it does mean that some people who have kids will decline.  The people who have those kinds of weddings need to realize that, and not be offended when people would rather stay home with their kids than attend the wedding without them.

post #39 of 40

I wouldn't pull my child out of school for much and definitely not for that particular reason. Send your dh on his own.

post #40 of 40
Quote:
Originally Posted by sapphire_chan View Post

It's dh's college group? Then send him and tell him to have fun.



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