To have this baby or not?

[Maybe1stBaby]

I'm 27 years old, no kids, this is my first pregnancy and I'm 7 1/2 weeks gone. I have no siblings, and was raised by a single mother. My mother just died Monday April 4th, and I'm still in shock and grief. I flew back to the East coast from Los Angeles to be with my grandparents and take care of her affairs. She is a hoarder and the entire house is very disorganized, so it will probably take months to go through everything. I'm feeling overwhelmed. I am probably going to move back here because my grandparents are getting old and I feel very alone in Los Angeles, and I don't have a job or anything to keep me there. I have no family or roots in Los Angeles so I've been feeling pretty isolated and disconnected and I know my grandparents need me now and I need them.

The overwhelming fatigue from this pregnancy will make the inevitable cross-country move (me moving out of my apartment and driving cross country with my belongings) very difficult; and it will make going through my mother's belongings hard as well. Furthermore, this pregnancy is the result of me coming in contact with a sociopath. I am a firm believer in having children when one is married, but unfortunately I was involved with someone who deceived me so completely, I am still heartbroken. Suffice it to say, he lied about every detail of his life, and about our future (we even went to Tiffany's so I could point out what style of engagement rings I liked). It turns out he is married with children of his own. Furthermore he is denying this child is his, and I'm letting my attorney sort out this mess. My attorney has advised me to not contact this person, and I'm inclined to agree because I am still reeling from a 9 month relationship that was a complete lie.

Now I have this baby growing inside of me and I'm a hot mess of overwhelming emotions, uncertainty, grief, heartache, pain....None of these are the traditional exciting emotions a pregnant women is supposed to feel. I feel like there is a foreign invader in my body, and that my life is no longer my own. I feel betrayed and resentful that I am carrying the child of someone so cruel and deceitful. I feel pain that my mother will never see her grandchildren, and fear of having an abortion. I don't want to regret it. I don't want to be judged. I don't want the pain of it. But I don't want to be a single mother. I have yet to find my career path (I know it's late in life, but I do have a Master's degree) and a stable income. I don't feel a motherly bone in my body. But at the same time I feel if I have an abortion, the loss of my own mother will seem that much deeper, and my grandparents' house that much emptier (my mother was very ill for a long time and she lived with my grandparents). Empty like my body will be, if I have an abortion, and I wonder if I'll be consumed with guilt in addition to all of the other painful emotions I'm currently going through.

Adoption is not an option.  People always come back to adoption as the middle ground choice, but my child will be half African-American, and it's very sad that our society puts a premium on skin color.  There are a lot of unwanted babies up for adoption, and the African-American babies are not high in demand.  It's a very harsh reality.

I'm hormonal and going through a lot right now, and I could really use some support. I've always considered myself pro-choice, and I guess I'm looking for nonjudgmental advice.

[Chloe'sMama]

I don't have any advice, I just wanted to offer hugs.  Good luck finding your path.

[elisheva]

I'm not at all anti-choice, but my mother had an abortion years and years ago and I believe she regrets it every day of her life. 

What a hard situation  I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom and for the struggle you are going through.  

[marinak1977]

I'm so sorry you're going through this time in your life. I'm so sorry for your loss and for getting hurt by a sociopath.
I don't have advice, as this is a choice only you can make, but I am sending my support and I'll support you in any decision you'll make.

[ElliesMomma]

my advice would be to get some professional help. from your description, it seems that you might have some financial resources at your disposal (if you are getting by without having a job?) -- if so, find a good talk therapist and start working through this.

it is very interesting, isn't it, that this happened right after your mother's death. it is *almost* like you have lost one family and have the chance to gain another. 

in most cases, the discomfort of early pregnancy goes away for the second trimester. but going through a hoarder parent's possessions does sound exhausting. can you get some professional help with this as well (i.e., 1-800-GOT-JUNK?)

i wish you the best of luck.

[ZoshaMosha]

Oh, love, that is so much for you right now.  I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother.  My mother is also a hoarder, I totally understand how overwhelming that part of everything is, not to mention the grief.  No one can say whether having this baby is the right thing for you now.  Trust me, this isn't your only chance to be a mother and if now is not the time for you, please be easy on yourself.

I really wish you all the best.  Try to find a good support system for yourself right now, whatever your choice will be.

[coryy]

make a decision based on your own mind, as you have been manipulated and are grieving and have huge external pressure.This computer is completely screwing up this post and won't let me edit, these are the last two sentences!!!!

I just want to tell you that you have NO responsibility AT ALL to go through your mother's things, bills, property, ANYTHING.  if you CHOOSE, you can hire a cleaning company to come in and take care of everything and put the house on the market. But you are not legally obligated to do ANY of that. Whatever the city says, the collection agents say, the mortgage company says, NO LAW can make you responsible for another person's property, liens, or debts, without a power of attorney signed with your agreement beforehand. Take your mom's cleanup as a non-issue.  If you are planning on moving back because LA is not the place for you, and you think it would help you to be near your grandparents, then you can weight that accordingly. But if you think that you are now somehow obligated to take care of them, at the risk of sounding cold, please also take that off the table. You are only responsible for you and possible a child if you decide to have the baby. I would hate for you to move back here, fall into a role of caretaker, and then have a dependent little baby to take care of as well, and let life just swallow you up.  You are reeling from grief (and probably guilt, it's part of grief, too) from your mother's death. You are reeling from the grief of the relationship.  I would take some time away...away from LA, away from your grandparents, away from your court case, and think about whether you could come to love this child without resenting the father subconsciously.  FWIW, I gave a baby up, married the father later on, and 10 years TO THE DAY had another son about a month after my grandmother died on my mom's birthday. I was very very angry for years that my son had to share his birthday with the baby I gave up, and that he had to have a crying mom for years on his birthday instead of a happy one. It's been 10 years again and I'm ok with it, but the first 5 or so were hard.  It sounds like events have pushed you externally for a while now and it's going to be difficult to 

[Halfasianmomma]

My gut instinct would be to seek some counselling ASAP to try to assess if you feel you can handle this pregnancy. You are right in the middle of a tornado of grief right now, and it's difficult to see clearly.

In addition, whether you choose to terminate the pregnancy or not, I would get some professionals to help you sort through your mother's house. It's is not something you should be doing alone.

Finally, regarding the pregnancy, IMO, this new life may bring out in you qualities you didn't suspect you had. Having this baby may be very healing. But again, this is just me and I'm not telling you what you should do.

*hugs* to you

[Phoenix~Mama]

I think all the previous posters have excellent advice for what to do about your Mom's hoarder house and grandparents and counseling.  I second all of it.

I've never been in the exact hard situation you are now with regard to wether or not to have an abortion... I'm pro-choice as well. And here is my story...

I did not get pregnant with my son by choice.  I was in an abusive relationship and was worn down to a shell of a person, and the night I had conceived my son was another night that my ex had worn me down to having sex with him.  It's the most exhausting awful kind of feeling to feel like you have no boundaries and have no other choice but to just give in and let a man have his way with you... that's the place I was in over a year ago. 

When I found out I was pregnant, I wasn't happy.  In fact, I kept it totally to myself for 3 days while I pondered what to do.  I had already been meeting with a lawyer to get things set up to leave my ex... but I just did not think I could leave him while I was pregnant and could not imagine being a single mom of TWO kids!  So I thought and thought, and it came down to my core belief of everything happens for a reason.

I stayed with my ex for a short time and told him about the pregnancy and he made all sorts of empty promises of getting better now that we had another child on the way, etc... but his behavior became worse and worse, and early 2nd tri I left him.

At this point it was too late to have an abortion.  But I was still very much undecided about the pregnancy and how I really felt about it.  I did want more children... but not like that... not on my own, not at that time...  So much wasn't "in place" to have another child, and I never ever wanted to have children alone.

But I marched on... I began planning a homebirth and was extremely excited about it.  Then third tri started and I became sick.  I got pre-eclampsia and was hospitalized.  For a time I was most definitely angry.  Here I was pregnant when I didn't really want to be, it added so many more complications to my single mom budget, I was alone nearly the whole pregnancy, no support other than my midwife... it was far from the ideal pregnancy in my dreams. (neither was my daughter's, since my ex was always an abusive "insert bad name here that I cannot say due to user agreement".)

But when I realized how sick I was and that both me and my son could die... something finally happened, and the only thing that mattered in the world at that time was that my son make it through, and I finally fully accepted my pregnancy and fell totally in love with my son.

I ended up having to have an emergency c-section and he was 2 months pre-mature.  He was in the NICU for a whole month, and I was there everyday by myself taking care of him, learning all about preemies and their conditions, etc...  And I grew the most amazing bond with my son.

One day it really hit me, that things really do happen for a reason and I could not believe that I had actually pondered not having my son.  My pregnancy with him, and his birth, and the time after his birth in the NICU taught me so much about myself that I did not know, and that I had forgotten... it helped give me back my strength as a person, instead of someone's doormat/sex toy/etc...

I now thank God everyday for bringing me my son, and for even giving me the crazy adventure of pre-e/nicu/etc. 

I'm still very pro-choice as I feel each person needs to make the best decision for themselves.  But I really wanted to share my story of how much an unwanted pregnancy in the begining can become a very much wanted and loved little awesome person in your life.  Both of my children are my world and I have a very strong and unique bond with each of them because of what their entrance into this world showed me of who I am.  They both changed my life in very awesome ways.  I really think I'm a better person because I'm a Mom, and I think about things a lot differently than I had before.

I know for myself... I would have always regretted having an abortion.  I'm so glad I didn't...  And as far as the connection of who their father is... it never crosses my mind when I look at them.  I have no kind feelings for their father and the way he treated me... but when I look at my children, I only see them.  They are their own unique little beings, something so precious and amazing.  They make me laugh everyday, and bring so much incredible joy into my life. 

I never wanted to be a single mom and go a pregnancy alone... but I did it... I survived it... and it changed my world for the better.

*hugs*  Good Luck with your decision and the healing process through your grief.  I hope you stick around here and take advantage of the amazing women support.  ;-)

[chiefmir]

I'm so sorry about your mother... you have so much on your plate right now.  A few thoughts...

My mother's husband (not my father, he was her second husband) died somewhat suddenly 6 months ago, 3 months after she had him move out due to hoarding.  in those 3 months, he managed to re-hoard an entire apartment and 5 storage units.  I second a pp who mentioned that you do not have to go through everything your mother hoarded. Of course there is an element of sentimentality, but once  you've done a general survey and taken anything that you definately want to save, you could have others help you.  In our research (me and my sisters) when we were trying to find ways for my mother to get help with her husbands belongings, we found that there are organizers, etc out there who can help... if you think there is enough stuff of value to want to save for sale.  Otherwise, there are probably organizations who would be able to provide someone to box up donations in exchange for the goods... or you could have a "free yard sale" ... just some thoughts.  But, especially pregnant, please don't put yourself through sorting through every piece of paper and box, and physically cleaning it all out if you can find/afford/think of alternatives.

Second, (and I hope this is OK to post...) I was thinking about your concerns about adoption.  I am 1000% pro-choice and I can already tell that any decision you make is a well-thought out one made by a smart woman.  But, I did want to throw out there the idea of actually talking to an adoption agency about their experiences with mixed or bi-racial adoptions to see if your thoughts are in line with what they've experienced.  DH and I were trying to adopt several years ago.  We are both Caucasian, and waited about 7 months to eventually be matched with a baby who was most likely 3/4 African American.  The agency we used said that their "wait list" for Caucasian infants was the longest, for infants of color only was the shortest, but that their list of potential parents who wanted any infant at all was only a little shorter than the Caucasian list.

Wishing you peace on this journey.  Take care of yourself as best you can.

[bananabee]

*huggggs* Come move to my town. We have the awesomest moms group, and people here are soo friendly. I grew up in southern CA, and I will never go back. It is a lonely place. Here I am so much happier. Come live near me and we can help each other. I don't have any family here, either, but I have never felt so surrounded by love.

[*MamaJen*]

You have so much on your plate right now. I'm so sorry about the death of your mother. And I'm so sorry that you were involved with a sociopath. They're experts at duping people, so don't beat yourself up that he had you fooled.

This is an incredibly hard and complex choice that you have before you. There are no right or wrong answers, and ultimately you're the only person who can make the best decision for yourself. You have a few weeks before you absolutely have to make a choice, so give yourself a little time and space. Talking our your feelings with a therapist is a great idea.

I'm 100 percent pro-choice, and I believe that what happens next is your choice. I've also had the experience of an unexpected pregnancy and single motherhood. I won't lie, it's been a hard road at times, but also an incredibly fulfilling and happy one. I was in a different situation though -- the father wasn't a sociopath, and I was at a point in my life where I could imagine being a mother.

It's okay to not be interested in going the adoption route. I do think you might be overestimating the difficulty of placing a biracial baby into a loving adopted home. In fact, if I were in the position of adopting out my baby, I think I would prefer him going to a family that was willing to open their hearts to a baby of any race. But it's okay to not be interested in adoption for other reasons.

Be gentle with yourself, seek out help, and good luck making the best decision for you.

[josybear]

there doesn't seem to be a choice that will leave you feeling good, here. keeping it has some major downsides and a few upsides, losing it has some major downsides and a few upsides. no matter what you choose there is going to be pain, regret, loss and some serious impact to your identity. this might not be helpful, but i think you need to bear in mind that you can't expect the perfect choice to come along and make everything easier. this is one of those brutal choices that grown ups have to make, and i feel for you. but you'll come through this, either with a baby in your arms or not.

the one thing you do have a choice about is this - you do not have to turn into your mother. sure, you could potentially be a single parent like her, but that doesn't mean you're destined to be like her in other ways.

[1stTimeMama4-4-10]

I feel compelled to reply here.  I am so sorry for what you are going through and to me it seems like it is all about perspective.  On the one hand, this is the worst possible time to have a baby and the worst possible father for that baby.  On the other hand, it is the perfect time since it won't interfere with your education or career, the father wants nothing to do with it, so you don't have to worry about custody (you could get child support later via court order), and bringing a new life into the world can be the most incredible joy there is. 

When I was 18, I terminated a pregnancy.  I had lived with my boyfriend for two years and we were just irresponsible.  I didn't think it was possible for me to get pregnant (yeah seriously, and no I'm not mentally impaired). I had taken the Depo shot and bled for nine months straight - I got pregnant shortly after I stopped bleeding. Needless to say, after having a nine month period, I did not get the renewal shot. Anyway, I was shocked to be pregnant. I initially was going to have it because I felt that it was my responsibility - I mean, if I was so irresponsible to get pregnant, I felt like I somehow deserved it.  I was pro-choice, but I thought that "choice" was something that I would never do. So I told people I was going to have a baby.  I cried nonstop for the first month. It didn't help that I had EXTREME morning (all day) sickness. I could not eat anything at all without vomiting it right back up. I was exhausted and though my boyfriend was saying he wanted a baby with me, he started going out every night of the week and not coming home until 2-3am. I started thinking about terminating.  I eventually made the choice when I was 11 weeks pregnant.  I scheduled the appointment - by that point it was a two day procedure.  I didn't ask any questions because I did not want to back out of the termination.  

Afterward, I was so so so sad.  I mourned for several months. I was so ashamed that I had done something I never thought I would do.  But I never regretted it. I am 31 now and I had my first child one year ago.  My second pregnancy was planned and simply could not have been more joyful.  My husband is the most supportive thoughtful person I have ever met and he took care of me in a way I had never even imagined.  I love my daughter more than life. She IS my life.  This pregnancy was so different.  I was so happy and excited.  At 13 weeks we had an ultrasound and I was sort of surprised to see that what was in my belly was a BABY.  It was not a fetus, not a bunch of cells, but a fully formed baby. We saw her arms and legs, and we watched her BOUNCE in my uterus. It was incredible. But it made me so sad. It made me know more fully what I had actually done twelve years ago. 

I am pro-choice, because NO ONE should ever make the decision for a woman. But I know now that I will never do it again no matter what. I know how fragile life is and what is really happening inside the woman's body at 12 weeks gestation.. Birthing my child was the single most important experience of my life.  As much as it pains me to say, I sort of get why there are so many people vehemently opposed to abortion. 

So I am quite sure none of that helps you.  If I had it all to do over again, I would have done it the same when I was 18 because having a baby with that man-child would have been the worst thing I could have done.  I absolutely do not regret it.  But in my 31 year old body, I know I won't ever do it again no matter what the circumstances.  Only you can decide what the right decision is.  

I would strongly urge you to do the research so that you know what your deadlines are, where you would go, how you would pay for it, so that if you choose to terminate, you don't get any surprises. At the same time, you may want to start prenatal care just in case you choose to keep the pregnancy.  Then, give yourself as much time to decide as you can.  You will make the right decision, whatever that decision is.  

[Smithie]

That is a lot to deal with all at once. I have never cleaned out a hoarder house and can't imagine even that small piece of what you currently are facing. 

But. Another way of looking at this is that you have a chance, and a serious prod from both ends of the human life cycle, to leave the sociopath behind and start over. You can tell your lawyer to drop it, pack your car, and just drive away from the terrible year you've had in LA. You have a house to live in, grandparents who love and need you, and a baby who will also love and need you if you continue the pregnancy. You plus baby plus grandparents is a family. Cleaning out the house will be awful, but at the end of the day it's just stuff, and you will get through it all and then it will be gone forever. Hiring professionals is one way to make it much easier, if that's within your budget and your grandparent's comfort zone. 

Also, if what you've heard is that biracial babies aren't wanted in the domestic newborn adoption business, you have heard WRONG. If you think your baby needs a two-parent family (I don't, but I respect that you might), you will have your choice of hundreds of stable, loving married couples who do.not.care. about the baby being biracial, and would consider themselves incredibly lucky to be working with a birthmom who wasn't mentally ill or addicted. They would pay your pregnancy-related expenses and bless you forever. I'm all for babies staying with their biomoms whenever that's a possibility, but I wanted to emphasize that the door to adoption is not closed to you.  

[Jessnet]

The best advice I ever got regarding a termination was to go with your first instinct. Don't try to "talk" yourself into one way or other. What was your first reaction? I mean the split second you registered that you were pregnant. Mine was pure joy...and then a few minutes later came the crashing "omygodhowamigoingtodothis" fear set in and I then started to debate my options for a termination and calling centers. In the end, have never regretted choosing to keep my son.

My friend, on the other hand, her first reaction (as she describes it) was horror. A few minutes later she was hit with her "omygodabortionisainihavetokeepit" thoughts and began making plans to keep it. In the end, she doesn't regret the termination she eventually got.

I hope this classifies as the objective advice you were looking for . Good Luck OP.

[frugalmum]

The choice is yours, but I wanted to chime in that there are many many many people who would be thrilled to adopt a biracial (or any other color) newborn!  I know that the demand is higher for caucasian babies but that doesn't mean there isn't still a huge demand for every other color baby.  

[Snowflake777]

No advice, but couldn't read and not offer hugs. I'm so sorry about your mother, and I wish you the best with whatever you decide to do.

[lunarlady]

Two of my friends (both white) waited over two years to adopt an African American infant. They love her to death and don't care one bit about her skin tone. Another couple I know waited 18 months. The waiting lists for healthy infants of any color are long. Please don't write off adoption as a choice. Please avoid drugs, alcohol and take vitamins while you ponder your decision as it will make your child healthy in case you decide to go this route.

I terminated a pregnancy early in my marriage. Like a previous poster said, my first reaction was telling -- absolute dread. DH had the same reaction. While I sometimes grieve and wonder about the child we terminated, I know I wasn't ready to be a mom and DH wasn't ready to be a dad. Five years later we had our first when we were ready. Although emotionally painful, the procedure itself was actually fairly painless and fast. About one hour start to finish. I was 9 weeks at the time. And yes, in my state they have a law that you must view an ultrasound picture of the fetus before terminating, so I knew exactly what I was doing. I was sad, scared, and upset, but in the end termination was the right choice for me and my family.

Good luck with whatever you decide. Please be gentle with yourself and follow your heart.

[Goodmom2008]

My suggestion would be to get some counseling with a therapist who isn't anti-choice but neutral before making this decision.  You have a lot going on right now, which is making the decision even harder.  Whether or not you would regret the choice either way is only one that you can answer as every person reacts differently to choices made.