adult queen bees

[moss]

this is a constant theme in my life.

i keep butting heads or running away from female bullies in my life. i still havent figured it out.

queen bee moms in homeschooling groups.

my estranged bully sister who is charasmatic and charming and evil and manipulative who spreads rumours about me and wont 'let' the rest of my fam be around me. i really miss being able to be around my other sisters and nieces and nephews. family holidays are always hosted by my bully sister. she always extends an invitation to me thru my mom. when i refuse it makes me look like the bad guy. my family blames me for this rift. and i suppose it is because of me. because i cant figure out any other way to keep from being hurt except to stay away.

the social exclusion is wearing me down. to avoid these mean women i have become such a hermit. i am not charismatic. people dont seek me out.

when i was younger most (all?) of my friends were guys. now all of my social circles are women and theres at least one 'mean woman' in each circle.

my husband tells me to just go anyways. to avoid interacting with the queen. to hang out with the quieter women/the nicer women. it is soooo hard for me to be at ease around someone who has been a bully to me. and there seems to be something about me that makes me a target.

i dont know if im ever going to find a solution to this.

im so sad about it.

[RiverTam]

Your sister will do that until you learn how to defuse her. You can call her on her BS without turning the situation into a huge fight.

Queen Bees and Wannabes  and Queen Bee Moms and Kingpin Dads has  good strategies for dealing with this verbal dynamic. The book is targeted at parents of teen-age girls, but I think the strategy for dealing with those situations works with adults as well. It also describes the dynamic of female bullying in very clear terms.

The "Queen Bees" author basically advocates a strategy similar to the strategy described in the Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense.   GAVSD includes common verbal attack patterns in American English and advice on how to defend against them.  It's verbal martial arts, with a lot of focus on allowing your opponent to throw herself.

Once you know what the attack patterns are and how to defend yourself without attacking, it's actually sort of fun to watch people impale themselves on their own meanness.

[MusicianDad]

Just want to say, what is going on with your family isn't you. It's is all your sister, people like her are expert at manipulating others and that is exactly what she is doing. People in your family either know they are being manipulated and are not willing to become the outcast by standing up to her or siding with you, or they are unaware of what she is doing. 

[moss]

thanks for the book recommendations. i hadnt heard of suzette elgin's approach before. i found her website and it looks like some of her techniques would work especially in parent groups. thanks

i was looking thru the bullies to buddies website again too.

thanks for your kind words musiciandad. you are absolutely right about all the dynamics.

i dont know why this is such an ongoing headache now. when i was younger i was pretty much immune to the whole bullying thing. now it happens far more often than i would like